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Contents
How do you apologize for being too needy?
Having Feelings
“I’m sorry I’m so needy. I’m sorry I’m clingy today. I’m sorry I’m down today.” No! If you did something wrong, took something out on your partner, acted inappropriately, or felt like your mood was upsetting your partner, you can apologize.
Why is being needy a turn off?
Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch. Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It’s like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don’t understand why.
How do you play hard to get after being needy?
- 1) Say “NO” to some dates. …
- 2) Don’t reply to messages too fast. …
- 3) Tease him then stop. …
- 4)Trigger his hero instinct but hold the urge to give him more than what he’s giving you. …
- 5) Let him know you’re not rushing to find love. …
- 6) Don’t kiss on the first date. …
- 7) Don’t rush into sex.
How do you change needy behavior?
- Allow My Partner Freely Perform These Actions.
- Create and Follow Boundaries.
- Determine My Attachment Style. Anxious Attachment. …
- Identify Clingy Behaviors.
- Pinpoint Why We Are Clingy.
- Put Our Phone Down.
- Stay Busy. Find new hobbies. …
- Take New Relationships Slow.
Why am I so needy in a relationship?
Being needy in a relationship can often stem from a person’s lack of other interests and hobbies. Strive to have your own life away from your partner and make your personal passions and pursuits a priority.
How do I stop wanting a relationship?
- Keep dating. You don’t need to put your dating life on hold to stop wanting a relationship! …
- Be fussy. …
- Keep being yourself. …
- Focus on yourself. …
- Spend time with loved ones. …
- Be realistic about past loves. …
- Fill the gaps. …
- Remember why single life rocks.
Can being needy ruin a relationship?
It can come as a surprise when your partner asks for space. While clingy tendencies may have been “ok” in your previous relationship, being overly needy is generally considered a toxic dating habit.
What does needy behavior look like?
Some of the behaviors that could be labeled as needy in a relationship, but in reality point to something else, include: a push for continuous conversation (texting, calling, emailing, social media posting) persistently asking for reaffirmations of love. seeking out compliments.
Can you come back from being clingy?
After acting clingy, you need to back off if you have any hope of winning him back. Instead of constantly calling him and begging for his forgiveness, take a step back and leave him alone for a while. There’s no tried-and-true rule for how much space to give him or how long you should leave him alone.
How do you change needy behavior?
- Allow My Partner Freely Perform These Actions.
- Create and Follow Boundaries.
- Determine My Attachment Style. Anxious Attachment. …
- Identify Clingy Behaviors.
- Pinpoint Why We Are Clingy.
- Put Our Phone Down.
- Stay Busy. Find new hobbies. …
- Take New Relationships Slow.
What is being needy with a girl?
Simply put, being needy is caring more about how people perceive you rather than how you perceive yourself. Because of it, your behaviors and actions will revolve around pleasing others rather than satisfying yourself. By this definition, it’s not about the actions you take but why you take them.
10 easiest ways to get her back after being needy – Love Connection
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- Summary of article content: Articles about 10 easiest ways to get her back after being needy – Love Connection Remember that being needy is never attractive to her as a woman, and it makes you look needy if you keep reaching out for attention. Along with being … …
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- Table of Contents:
1) Be the man she fell in love with
2) Be patient and respect her boundaries
3) Get your inner hero involved
4) Become less involved in your relationship
5) Understand what caused your needy behavior
6) Be more assertive and less needy in your relationship
7) Back off for some time
8) Understand your emotions better
9) Show her that she’s important to you
10) Prove that you’re no longer a needy boyfriend
Short conclusion
Can a relationship coach help you too
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10 easiest ways to get her back after being needy
10 easiest ways to get her back after being needy
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So you’re in a needy relationship.
But have you ever wondered how you can get her to love you again after being needy?
Yes, it’s hard to admit that your relationship might need a little help.
However, if you’ve been constantly reaching out for attention, she probably doesn’t feel loved and appreciated.
So what do you do to get back to being the man she fell in love with?
Read on to learn the most effective ways to get her back after being needy, starting with the top 10 easiest ways.
1) Be the man she fell in love with
Do you remember how you used to behave when she fell in love with you?
Did you give her everything she wanted?
Did you pay attention to her, listen to her, and show her that she was important to you?
Whatever your answer is, the truth is that it doesn’t really matter how you acted back then. What matters is that she fell in love with you for a reason. But now you’re acting differently, right?
You’re being needy, and needy people don’t usually like being in relationships with needy people. It’s sad, but this is the truth.
And guess what?
That’s why you should try to become the man she fell in love with.
If you’re needy, she might think you’re not the man she fell in love with. So, try to take on a more responsible role and start being the man she fell in love with.
You may have to do some work and make some sacrifices, but it will be worth it.
Remember that being needy is never attractive to her as a woman, and it makes you look needy if you keep reaching out for attention.
Along with being responsible, you also need to be kind and loving. You can’t show her that your relationship is still important to you by being mean-spirited or selfish.
She might think that this is just how you are now when really it’s because of your lack of confidence or because of what happened between the two of you while being needy.
Be caring and loving, even when there are problems in your relationship. So if she fell in love with you because of your kindness, generosity, and love, then the only way to get her back is to re-create that feeling.
2) Be patient and respect her boundaries
When it comes to needy relationships, respecting each other’s boundaries is probably the most important thing to remember.
Why?
Because every couple needs to feel like they have a little bit of space to breathe. They need to know that their partner is not going to do anything crazy or go off the rails, just because they are being needy.
And you know what?
If you don’t respect her boundaries, she will feel trapped and like she has no options or choices when it comes to you.
So how do you do this?
You just need to be patient and wait for her to feel comfortable with you again. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with you, then she won’t want anything from you anymore, and there’s nothing that will make her change her mind about that.
You also need to realize that needy people tend to get very anxious when things aren’t going their way. She might not want anything from you at all but still be in a needy state of mind.
So it’s important for you not only to be patient but also forgiving and kind in this situation.
Remember that you need to respect her boundaries and act like a responsible adult in your relationship with her.
If she’s not ready for a relationship with you, it’s better to respect that and let her know right away.
She might think that if she gets back into a needy relationship, she’ll have no chance of getting out of it again.
So this is one of the best ways to get her back after being needy once she decides that enough is enough and wants out of your relationship for good.
3) Get your inner hero involved
If you want to get your needy girlfriend back, then you need to get your inner hero involved.
As simple as it sounds.
You need to be confident, self-assured, and emotionally independent.
The truth is that by showing that you’re acting based on your hero instinct, she’ll easily understand that you’re no longer a needy boyfriend that she has to be dependent on.
But how can you do this?
There’s a new theory in the relationship world that’s causing quite a stir – it’s called the hero instinct.
Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept finally explains how men should think and feel in relationships.
And it’s something most women have never even heard of.
According to James Bauer, men don’t actually need a lot to feel content in their relationships. In fact, what they need has nothing to do with sex.
Men have certain innate drivers. And when a woman comes along and triggers them, it causes a powerful response. The result is a man who loves harder, commits wholeheartedly, and truly dedicates himself to the relationship.
That’s why you should let her trigger your hero instinct.
The easiest thing to do is to watch this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.
The truth is, once you understand how the hero instinct works, there’s no telling what heights your relationship can reach.
So if you want to give her what she truly wants from you, make sure to check out James Bauer’s excellent video. In it, he reveals the exact texts and phrases you can use straight away.
Here’s a link to the free video again.
4) Become less involved in your relationship
Have you ever tried to show her that you’re an emotionally independent man who can do things on her own?
Well, needy people usually can not handle that. They need you to be their “best friend” all the time.
And the more you’re involved in your relationship with her, the more uncomfortable she will feel.
So what can you do?
You just need to become less involved in her life. What’s more, you should become an emotionally independent partner who doesn’t need her to be his “best friend” all the time.
If you want her to trust you again, then you need to stop being needy and become less involved in your relationship with her.
After all, being needy was the main reason why the problems in your relationship started.
So don’t call her every day and don’t give her advice about how she should live her life or what she should do with herself.
You need to stop giving advice and start trusting that she’s going to make good choices on her own without your help or advice.
But keep in mind to show her that you care even though you’re not always with her.
You need to be there for her when she needs help, but you also need to let her know that you’re not going to be there all the time.
You have your own life and you have your own things that you have to do. This is something that needy people don’t understand.
And that’s how she will understand that you’re not being needy in your relationship anymore.
If you’re not willing to take this step, then it will be very difficult for you to get out of the needy relationship and get back into one with a healthy woman who is willing to be friends with you without being needy at all times.
5) Understand what caused your needy behavior
Now let me explain the most important step that you need to take if you want to get out of a needy relationship and get into a healthy one with a woman who is not needy at all times.
Just stop being needy and understand what caused your needy behavior to start in the first place.
If you want to get out of a needy relationship, then you need to understand why you were so needy in your relationship with her.
And if you want to get into a healthy relationship with a woman who is not needy at all times, then you need to understand what caused that behavior in the first place.
And this is something that most men don’t know how to do.
Most men have no idea what caused their needy behavior.
What’s worse, they don’t even realize that they’re being needy.
And this is what makes it very difficult for them to get out of their needy relationships.
And guess what?
They have no idea how to stop it from happening again.
But if you’re willing to take this step, then it will be much easier for you to get out of the needy relationship and into one with a woman who is not needy at all times.
So, try to understand the things that trigger your needy behavior. For instance, in what situations did you become needy?
What things did you do that made her feel like you don’t respect her boundaries?
Why did you do those things, and why were they so important to you?
And what caused your needy behavior in the first place?
If you’re willing to take this step, then it will be much easier for you to get out of a needy relationship and into one with a woman who does not feel the urge to be needy at all times.
And then do the things that you need to do to stop the needy behavior and start being more healthy with women.
And this is what will help you get out of a needy relationship and into one with a healthy woman who is not needy at all times.
6) Be more assertive and less needy in your relationship
Ever tried to talk to her about why she needs some space in your relationship or why she needs to be more assertive in your relationship?
Well, if you haven’t done it yet, then you need to try it.
Because this is one of the most important things that you can do to get out of a needy relationship, turn your relationship into a healthy one. And keep it that way.
And this is not something that you should take lightly.
Because if you try to talk to her about these things and she doesn’t want to hear them, then you will be in the same situation as before.
But if you try talking to her about these things, and she’s willing to listen, then this can be the turning point for your relationship.
And if you do it right, then you will have a healthy relationship with a woman who is not needy at all times.
Why am I so sure?
Well, the fact of the matter is that communication is key when dealing with a needy relationship.
If she feels that you’re always asking for something, she might think that you don’t respect her enough as an equal partner in the relationship. She might also start thinking that you don’t care about her or the relationship.
So, if you want to turn your relationship into a healthy one, then it is important that you communicate with her in a way that helps her understand what she needs to do to make the relationship work.
And this is why I think it’s so important for you to learn how to be more assertive and less needy in your relationship.
Because when you’re more assertive and less needy, she will feel respected and loved at all times in the relationship. And this will help her feel safe enough about the relationship so that she does not have any feelings of being needy at all times.
And then she will feel more comfortable around you, which will help keep your needy behavior from reoccurring.
So, try being less needy in your relationships, and see how that makes her feel.
And also try being more assertive and showing her that you don’t need her constant validation.
If you’re willing to do this, then it will be easier for you to get her back after being needy.
7) Back off for some time
Okay, I get that you want to get her back right now, but what you need to do is back off for a little bit so that you can gain some perspective on the situation.
Why?
Because when you feel needy, it’s really hard to think clearly and make good decisions.
But if you take some time off from your relationship, then you will be able to think clearly and make a better decision.
So, what you need to do is go away for a few days, or even a week.
And after you’ve had some time to cool down, you can come back and enter the relationship again in an assertive way.
The truth is that sometimes it’s important to step back from a situation in order to gain some perspective.
Try doing this when you’re feeling needy and see how it goes.
Just take some time off from her for a couple of days or even a week or two.
And then when you come back, see if she still has feelings of being needy in the relationship. If she does, then all you need to do is show her how much better your relationship will be with her if this goes away.
And if she doesn’t have those feelings anymore, then she will be more likely to get back with you after being needy in the relationship.
So, if you want to get her back after being needy in your relationship, just take some time off and see how things go when you come back.
And then, after a little bit of time has passed, try being more assertive and showing her that you don’t need her constant validation.
If you’re willing to do this, then it will be easier for you to get her back after being needy.
But what if you already tried to back off a bit but it didn’t work?
Then, here’s what you can do:
While this article will shed light on the easiest ways to get her back after being needy, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to your unique situation…
Relationship Hero is a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues, like being needy or losing connection with each other. Their popularity boils down to how skilled their coaches are.
Why am I so confident that they can help you?
Well, I recently experienced a tough patch in my own relationship, and I reached out to them for help. From the moment I got in touch, I was given genuine, helpful advice, and was finally able to see my relationship issues with real clarity.
I was blown away by how kind and empathetic my coach was.
Within minutes, you could be receiving life-changing advice on how to navigate, repair the issues you’re facing, and get her back after being needy.
Click here to get started.
8) Understand your emotions better
Now let me explain another step that you need to take in order to get out of a needy relationship with a woman who hates it when men are needy.
The simple truth is that when you’re in a relationship with someone needy, it’s very easy for you to become emotionally attached to her and start having feelings for her that go beyond friendship or platonic love.
But if she’s not needy, then it’s very unlikely for her to have these same feelings for you all the time.
She’ll only have them when she needs something from you or when she feels like being grateful towards someone for some reason.
And this is what makes it very difficult for you to recover from being needy when it’s not reciprocated by her.
You see, when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s needy, you start having feelings for them that go beyond their boundaries.
You start to feel like she’s the only person who understands you and cares about you.
And this can make it difficult for you to recover from being needy when it’s not reciprocated.
Because your emotions are involved, getting out of a needy relationship is very difficult for men.
But the good news is that there’s a simple way to get back on track, regain control of your emotions, and get your head back in the game.
The solution is really simple: learn how to control your emotions better so that they’re not clouding your judgment when it comes to being needy or losing connection with other women.
And for this, you need to first understand how you feel and what triggers your emotions in the first place.
You need to understand the difference between your feelings when you’re acting needy and when you’re not.
Once you understand your triggers and how you feel differently when you’re acting needy, then you can start controlling your emotions better and get back on track with your woman.
Once you understand this, then you’ll be able to better control when a particular feeling comes up and also be better equipped to handle it accordingly.
9) Show her that she’s important to you
Want to hear the most common reason women get tired of needy men?
Well, it’s because they don’t show her that she’s important to them.
All they do is be needy and expect something in return.
She’ll feel like a doormat when she tries to please you with everything she does.
And this is what makes her tired of you and your needy ways.
But this isn’t enough for her.
She wants to feel important to you too. She wants to know that you think of her as the most important person in the world.
This is why she always asks you questions like: “What do you see in me?” “What makes me so special?” or “Why are you with me?”
Or sometimes, she’ll ask you if there’s something wrong with her… just to hear your response because deep down inside, she knows that there’s something wrong with herself… and this is what makes it impossible for them to get over being needy if it hasn’t been reciprocated by a woman yet.
So the key to getting her back is showing her that she’s important to you.
This means doing things for her that make her happy and making sure she feels appreciated for everything she does for you.
If you can do this, then it will be easy for her to get back on track with you and not get tired of being around you all the time.
And remember the more attention she receives from you (whether it’s physical or emotional), the more attention she’ll give to you too.
She will feel loved and appreciated again and will start giving you more attention in return.
How do I know this?
I’m sure we’ve all experienced it before – when someone cares for us, they give us more attention. But they give us some space too instead of being too needy.
If you want to find out how to get your ex back, then you have to start giving her more attention. And when she feels that, she’ll eventually come back to you.
This is how you get her back and how to get your ex back for good.
10) Prove that you’re no longer a needy boyfriend
And let’s explain the last easy way to get her back after being needy.
Here’s the thing: she’ll always be upset with you if you’re still needy.
If you’re still a needy boyfriend, then she’ll always feel like she’s doing all the work and that she’s being treated unfairly by you. This will make her feel guilty and resentful towards you, and this is something that cannot be fixed by just giving her attention again.
And you know what?
That way, she’ll never even think about getting back to you. After all, your neediness was the reason why she broke up with you in the first place.
But if you can prove to her that you’re not needy anymore, then she’ll start giving you more attention again. And when she starts giving more attention again, she’ll start loving you again too.
And this is how you get your ex back and how to get your ex back for good.
You have to stop being needy.
This means not expecting anything in return for everything that you do for her. If she gives you something, it doesn’t matter because it’s only fair if you give something back to her too… or in other words, it’s only fair if she feels appreciated when she does something for you.
You have to stop expecting things from her because this will make your relationship unsustainable when one of those things isn’t reciprocated by her anymore.
And this is what makes women get tired of their needy men.
So, prove that you’re no longer needy, and she will eventually feel appreciated again.
Short conclusion
It can be hard to get back into the dating rhythm after a breakup.
This is especially true if you’ve been needy or clingy during the relationship.
But if you’ve been putting your partner through a lot, it might be time to get some sympathy and understanding from her again in an easy way:
I touched on the hero instinct earlier – it’s the perfect remedy for the situation you’re facing.
Why?
Because once your hero instinct is triggered, she’ll only have eyes for you. You’ll reach a part of her that nobody has ever managed to reach before.
And in return, she’ll be compelled to get back to you and love you like she’s never loved another man.
So if you’re ready to take that plunge and reach new heights in your relationship, make sure to check out relationship expert James Bauer’s invaluable advice.
Click here to watch the excellent free video.
11 Things You Don’t Have To Apologize For In A Relationship
Relationships are a big part of life, but they’re not life. Not your whole life, anyway. Your life is still very much your own, no matter how intimately connected it is to your partner, and you never have to apologize for doing your own thing. Because whether you stay together forever, or you’re in the first of a string of a hundred different relationships, you can’t ever break up with yourself.
It’s a classic move (and a problematic one for many) to get into a relationship and to make that relationship their whole life. Then, that relationship ends and they’re so distraught because they’ve literally lost everything, including their identity. Don’t be one of those people who came seeking my advice when I was a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Educator because they were completely lost in their relationships and didn’t know who they were anymore. That’s not cool.
And while we’re on the subject, you’re also the boss of your own life. Sure, you have to compromise and make joint decisions together, but when it comes down to it, your life is yours, and your decisions are yours. You don’t have to apologize for wanting to have your own identity outside of the relationship. Here are some other things you never have to apologize for in a relationship.
1. Not Wanting To Hang Out
Alone time. It’s a glorious and sparkling piece of magic that you have the right to carve out of your life. Even if you live together, you still don’t have to apologize for wanting your alone time. I live in a shoebox one bedroom apartment and when I need my own space, I chill in my bed with my headphones on. You don’t owe your partner all of your time and attention.
2. Not Liking The Same Things
You don’t have to start wearing cowboy (should’t we call these cowperson?) boots just because you’re dating a rodeo rider. You don’t have to sit through football games every Sunday if you’d rather put needles in your eyes than do sports. You don’t ever have to apologize for not being interested in something your partner is interested it. You can say, “that’s just not my thing, but I like that you’re so into it.” Of course, sometimes you endure, because that’s compromise, but if you feel like saying “deuces” and doing your own thing sometimes, that’s cool, too.
3. Having Goals
Psh. You’re a boss. And you should never be sorry about that. You don’t have to apologize for working hard, working late, making sacrifices, and going the extra mile to get what you want out of life. You do need to make time for your partner and make sure they feel like a priority in your life. But any partner who doesn’t support your goals, especially during the tough times, isn’t the partner for you.
4. Not Agreeing With Their Opinions
You don’t have to apologize for your opinions. The other day my wife was going on about how she wants a motorcycle and my anxiety heart just lost it’s sh*t. But I had to tell her “my opinion is that motorcycles are dangerous wastes of money that make me think you’re going to die, but I don’t own you, so if you want to save up your spending money and get one, that’s your life to live.” No apologies for not wanting her to get one. And no apologies from her for still wanting one even though I disagree. You’re never obligated to share your partner’s opinions or change your own. And they’re not obligated to miss out on something they really want because your opinions differ. Exceptions apply, of course, but for the most part, you shouldn’t have to apologize for your opinions.
5. Being Attracted To Someone
Human beings are beautiful. Seeing an attractive human and having a biological response happens, and it doesn’t mean you’re going to cheat. It doesn’t mean that you don’t think your partner is attractive. It doesn’t mean anything, really, other than you saw an attractive person. I saw so many couples grapple with jealousy issues when one partner looked at someone else or mentioned that another person was attractive. As long as you’re being respectful and honoring your partner’s boundaries, you don’t have to apologize for being human. If I got mad every time my wife got distracted by another stunning creature, I’d be mad every day. And vice versa. Agree to disagree, if you must, but odds are, it’s going to happen whether you notice it or not.
6. Having Feelings
People of the world, hear me now. Please stop apologizing for your feelings. “I’m sorry I’m so needy. I’m sorry I’m clingy today. I’m sorry I’m down today.” No! If you did something wrong, took something out on your partner, acted inappropriately, or felt like your mood was upsetting your partner, you can apologize. But being human and having needs is not something you’re doing wrong. If you had a sh*tty day, and you need some cuddles, get some cuddles. And don’t feel the need to apologize for that.
7. Wanting To Break Up
You don’t have to have anyone in your life who you don’t want in your life. True story. You could be dating the most wonderful person in the whole world, but if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. You should be mature and kind when you let them know that you’re ending the relationship, but after that, you don’t owe them anything. If you don’t want contact for a while (or forever), you don’t have to apologize for that either. It’s OK to break up with someone for any reason, if that’s what you truly want or need.
8. Being (Or Not Being) In The Mood For Sex
You’re not a sex factory. You’re also not a person who isn’t supposed to have any sexual desires. If you’re just not feeling it and you tell your partner that sex is not in the cards at that moment, that’s an acceptable thing to say and feel. On the other hand, if you want sex, don’t apologize for letting your partner know. There’s no shame in expressing your sexuality. And if you’re in the mood and they aren’t, they don’t have to apologize either.
9. Not Looking Like A Magazine Cover
Sweatpants. Dirty hair. Yesterday’s make up. Eating a waffle and reading the paper. If that’s how you do Sunday morning or Tuesday afternoon, then you enjoy. You’re not under any obligation to maintain supermodel status at all times for any person. If that’s what you’re into, then by all means, rock it. But if you’re a regular person, odds are there are going to be times when you’re just like “this is as good as it’s getting today” and that’s totally cool. Don’t ever apologize for how you look, especially in your own home on your own down time. That’s just real life. Your primary goal in life doesn’t have to be curating your appearance for the enjoyment of others unless you want it to be.
10. Not Inviting Your Partner
Part of being a healthy person in a healthy relationship is that you continue to maintain your relationships with your friends or family members. That means sometimes they’ll want to see you or spend time with you on a solo basis. Any loving, supportive partner will understand that sometimes you just need time with your people. Because sometimes they’ll need their own time with their people. If your partner feels left out or hurt by this, remind them that it’s healthy and encourage them to do the same. But you don’t have to feel bad for sometimes not wanting them to come along.
11. Your Personality
You are who you are. If your partner isn’t cool with your personality, then they shouldn’t be your partner. I tell terrible jokes, dance in my underwear, make inappropriate comments, lose my phone every 3 minutes and foster an irrational hatred of shows about real-life murders. That’s who I am. If my partner asked me not to make stupid jokes or asked me to put pants on while I dance, I’d be like “sorry not sorry.” There are some core aspects of your life that, if they’re not hurting anyone else, you don’t have to apologize for or change. Period. (As if anyone wouldn’t want their partner to underwear dance…). We all change each other in relationships. It’s reality. But never change what you don’t want to change.
And most of all, stop apologizing for living. It took me years and the help of a therapist to stop saying “I’m sorry” a thousand times a day for things I had no business apologizing for. You can do it, too!
Images: Pexels (12)
Why neediness is unattractive
Why neediness is unattractive
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Let’s play a mating game.
Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person’s forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their ‘attractiveness’.
You’re not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can.
Ready? Go.
Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention.
If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach – not so much.
People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you’ll probably never settle for less than a ten.
But for everyone else, you’re forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you.
This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you’re better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that’s what they’re conveying.
Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we’re wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You’re trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have.
You can’t help being influenced by this, and it’s one reason why ‘playing it cool’ is such an attractive trait, even if it’s such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch.
Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It’s like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don’t understand why.
If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.
Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.
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