My Husband Won T Stand Up To His Ex Wife? The 165 New Answer

—Alex, 24

2. She was so much fun. “She was so positive and up for anything. She was also very spontaneous; We did last minute trips and impromptu weddings and birthday parties. It was crazy, but it definitely kept the thrill alive in the relationship. I liked the element of surprise and not knowing what crazy thing she’s planning next.”

– Thomas, 28

3. She was very caring. “She was very nice and caring. She always took care of me, cooked for me and cleaned things around the apartment to keep her looking spotless. I definitely miss being spoiled like that — she was a very generous person, I think she had a sort of radar that made it clear to her who needed what and then gave it to them.”

—Paul, 27

4. She kept me on the ground. “When I was acting crazy or irrationally, she knew how to calm me down and had a way of calming me down. I’m in a bad mood so she always told me what I needed to hear to keep me in check. I have a hard time finding that in another girl right now, honestly very few girls are willing to put up with me.

– David, 30

5. She was smart and funny. “It was really impressive how smart she was and how knowledgeable she was. It was easy to take her anywhere and count on her to be a part of every conversation; Politics, sports, geography and just about any topic you can think of. It was definitely refreshing to have someone so articulate and knowledgeable – I felt special.”

— Ryan, 28

6. She was tough. “I like how she challenged me. She didn’t always agree with me and she knew when to step on the gas. I like that she loved me but wouldn’t let me get away with it all. I’m used to girls just letting me do whatever I want, so it was refreshing to hear the word ‘no’.”

— Mark, 32

7. She comforted me like no other. “It was a bad time in my life and I don’t know if I would have survived it without it. She made me believe in myself and lifted me up every time I was down. She saw me at my worst and loved me anyway. That is simply priceless.”

— Anton, 25

8. She pushed me to succeed. “She was the one who pushed me to move to another city for a better job, although it hurt our relationship, but she was desperate to see my success and always told me that my career should be my focus. She was very understanding and supportive and never made me feel like I wasn’t a good friend because I was working too much.”

Damien, 32

9. She was my buddy. “I loved how relaxed she was, she was more like my mate. I enjoyed having a beautiful girl as my girlfriend and also my best friend. Sometimes we even wrestled for fun. She was definitely the coolest girl I’ve ever been with.”

– Nate, 26

10. She never held grudges. “We used to fight a lot, but she never resented or resented those fights. Once I apologized we would return to normal. It was such a good quality because we knew how to quickly get over our arguments and enjoy our time together.”

– Mike, 25

11. She was bossy. “She was a fitness trainer, so she’s used to telling people what to do. I liked that she took the lead most of the time, it gave me peace of mind and gave me a break from all the “struggles” in the relationship. I enjoyed sitting in the back seat for a change.”

—Travis, 27

12. She fought for me. “She’s the one who followed me and kept fighting for me until she caught me. I liked that she didn’t take no for an answer and was confident that she wanted me, she did after we got together. She was resolute and made sure everyone knew that. I loved that she wasn’t passive towards me or the relationship.”

– Joe, 24

13. She was family oriented. “She was so loving and caring and always took care of her family; her mother, her father, her younger brother and her cousins. She felt her pain and they went to her whenever they had a problem. It was truly adorable to be with someone willing to do anything for their loved ones because I knew she would do the same for me.”

– Nick, 30.

It can feel like they don’t care. And while deep down we know it’s just the stereotypical approach men have to dealing with disruptive things; It can really hurt to cover up that something is wrong in the first place and move on with it.

But science is here to remind you to care; and in fact, they’ll care a heck of a lot longer than you. Because according to a study that began in 2000 that assessed the emotional state of 2,000 divorced men and women once before they revisited them between 6 and 9 years later, men tend fail to properly process their past significant relationships.

The women in the study showed evidence of becoming more extroverted in the years following divorce, while the men became more emotionally unstable as the breakup progressed.

Proving that while a breakup hits women harder initially, they get over it in the long run, while men will hold onto the sad feelings of the breakup for years to come.

Giphy

And another study supports the theory. Conducted by Craig Morris, a research associate at Binghamton University, it surveyed 5,705 participants from 96 countries on how quickly they got over their previous partners and found that men suffer longer on average than women.

“The man is likely to feel the loss deeply and for a very long time as he sinks into the fact that he has to start all over again to replace what he’s lost — or worse, comes to the realization that the… Loss is irreplaceable,” explains Morris.

So just remember that next time your heart hurts and you think he might not care. It just hurts different people in different ways.

Follow Cat on Twitter.

Like this? Visit us on Snapchat Discover.

Catriona Harvey-Jenner Features Editor Cat is Cosmopolitan UK’s features editor, covering women’s issues, health and current affairs.

This content is created and maintained by a third party and imported to this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may find more information about this and similar content on piano.io

Narcissists treat their exes horribly – Here are 6 examples of what they do to their exes after the breakup

1) They dive in and out of their lives

Narcissists are far from predictable, and they love to keep their ex-boyfriends on their toes by regularly ghosting them and popping back into their lives. At some points, they bombard their exes with messages telling them how much they miss them, while at others they remain silent for weeks. The instability they inflict on their partner means they are in control and constantly in the driver’s seat, picking and choosing when to communicate.

>>> Discover the reasons why ghosts keep coming back

2) They will try to befriend them

They will no doubt claim they don’t want drama and insist that they want to be consensual about things moving forward. By reinforcing the idea that they want to remain friends, they actively leave the door open to getting back together whenever they choose. The truth is that their sense of superiority means they believe they can restart relationships at any time, regardless of what happened.

3) You will flirt with them

Flirting involves playing with people’s emotions and piqued their curiosity, and it’s an area where self-obsessed narcissists excel. They love to feel sexy and wanted because it boosts their ego and self-esteem. Also, by flirting with their ex, they reinforce their role as puppeteers and therefore believe that they are the architects of their future.

4) They spread lies about their exes

By turning to the darker side of a narcissist’s personality, we soon realize that they are extremely bitter exes and will always seek revenge. Now they’re never even a bit concerned about hurting someone’s feelings or having regrets about their actions, no, they’re more concerned about saving face. In fact, they care so much about maintaining their reputation that they become even more ego-obsessed and fabricate lies about it. Also, nothing is off-limits to them, who will do anything they see fit to get back at their exes.

5) They will play mind games

Narcissists are known to play mind games because they help increase their hold over their current or past victims. They will resort to love bombing, self-deprecation, and emotional manipulation to keep their ex under control. The truth is that these games send subliminal messages to the victims that they will never truly break free and get their lives back. Here we are dealing with emotional torturers who will stop at nothing to crush people they believe have betrayed them.

6) You will blackmail them

Whether they have compromising text messages or photos of their ex, they will use any material they have against them, and of course, they will enjoy watching them squirm. They get their sick kicks from threats and will do whatever they have to get their former lovers to do exactly what they want, which means breaking the cycle of abuse can be overly difficult.

Do narcissists miss their ex?

This question is certainly not easy to answer because absolutely nothing is easy with these bullies. While narcissists are incapable of loving anyone but themselves on paper, they struggle with the idea of ​​change. So when someone they previously relied on suddenly disappears, they can be sad, although they won’t admit it. These slippery snakes need a stable network of people around them to feed their grandiose ideas and theories. Now they won’t miss their ex romantically, but they will miss being able to manipulate and play with them.

Editor’s Opinion – Talk About Your Issues If you’re still being emotionally harassed by a bitter ex, then one of the best ways to ensure your safety is to seek support in the form of friends, a group, or even law enforcement. Opening up may be difficult, but it’s an essential step in protecting your mental health.

🤗 Understand yourself, accept yourself, be happy… Let’s do it here and now!

#BornToBeMe

Also read these articles;

Loyalty conflicts are inevitable but exponentially worsened when the ex-wife/biological mother has narcissistic traits such as lack of empathy for others, self-centeredness, feeling special and being admired regularly by her children, and having misguided great images of it themselves including their parenthood.

The stepmother is consequently in a precarious position with her stepchildren. As will be described, the children’s birth mother not only sets her against her remarried father, but consequently also against his new wife, the children’s stepmother.

Adjusting in any divorce situation is difficult for all adults and children involved, but it gets worse when one parent, especially the divorced one, is narcissistic.

Related: How Does Narcissism Affect Relationships?

Although the title of this article is how the stepmother should cope, it is imperative that she understands everything that I am going to explain first before making any recommendations on how to live her life sensibly as a new wife and stepmother.

Description of PAS

Parental Alienation Syndrome is a psychological situation in parental conflict related to separation/divorce in which one parent, in this case the ex-wife who is the biological mother, manipulates the children into indoctrinating them with a disparaging view of their father that is a distortion of reality.

Beliefs, attitudes and memories are manipulated by the mother, who is often narcissistically egocentric, to the point that the children dislike, disrespect and even fear the formerly loved father. The formerly nurturing father who nurtured and protected the child now turns against that child without any basis.

The alienating mother, narcissistic ex-wife, seems unguilty as she extends her slur to the estranged parent’s extended family. This practice is symptomatic in high-conflict custody cases.

The child suffers from severe internal conflicts that block positive memories of the estranged father, in this case the remarried husband. The child begins to doubt his own thoughts and feelings and may sever all ties with the estranged father out of loyalty to the mother. The child experiences fear, identification with and dependence on the mother.

Related: How a Narcissistic Parent Affects a Child

When the child is alone with their father, the alienated parent, they can respond positively to him, but when the other alienating parent, the narcissistic ex-spouse, is like a light switch on the scene, the child transforms to reconnect with him to ally or himself with the alienator, the mother. The estranged father suffers extreme feelings of rejection, failure as a parent, and loss of authority.

Ignorance of this phenomenon in family courts can lead to the destruction of the family’s mental health. Parental influence processes must be fully understood to prevent the long-term consequences of PAS.

With psychotherapy, the scapegoat father, the remarried husband, can regain positive self-esteem as he remembers everything he has done for his children.

With psychotherapy, the child can regain a realistic view of both parents. This requires that both the therapist and the attorney are familiar with this form of emotional abuse, or he/she can be co-opted into the slur by the alienating mother.

The children

Children affected by this form of abuse lose the ability to endure the fear of mixed feelings that naturally form towards either parent. They find the alienator, in this situation the ex-wife and birth mother, beyond reproach and repulsive to the estranged father.

There is black and white thinking with no in between. This can impair the child’s ability to eventually reason with good judgment in other situations, creating an emotionally based cognitive deficit.

In addition, as the child learns to loathe the estranged father, he loathes himself because that father is internally a part of them.

The result for the child is a fragile sense of self-worth and possibly, especially in teenagers, an identity disorder. At the extreme, the child is ruthlessly cruel to the vilified parent, such as the father who believes that the estranged father was brainwashed by the alienator, the biological mother who is an ex-spouse.

The child involved in PAS can be viewed as both a victim and a perpetrator. The child is turned against his inner self (Austin, 2006). Judgment is severely impaired. Self-doubt and an ineffective moral basis can be found.

Some believe that PAS should be an official diagnosis in the DSM-IV, which can currently be inferred under the diagnoses of Parent-Child Relationship Difficulty or Disintegrative Childhood Disorder. It is believed that if PAS were a primary diagnosis, it would be more easily understood and identified by psychotherapists and attorneys in the family court system.

This would help the children who are burdened with deep conflicts of loyalty that can lead to possible school difficulties and self-esteem issues.

The legal system

Legally, alienators have sought justification for defaming their ex-spouse using a First Amendment argument for the right to free speech with the child. The Florida Supreme Court dismissed such a claim. Family courts in New York have recognized parental alienation syndrome and validated claims that children’s views of a parent are unrealistic and cruel.

Forensic psychiatrists reported on the children’s unhealthy isolation from normal social life along with the influence of the alienating parent on the children’s dismissal of the good times shared with their alienated parent.

Custody agreements may be amended to reflect this finding. The family law system upholds the protection of children’s “best interests” (Lorandos, 2006).

It is important that family law professionals prevent practices that discourage the alienating parent from unethical behavior, including but not limited to filing false allegations of abuse and forcing false allegations on children.

Legal disputes in which targeted parents must defend themselves against baseless allegations need remedy. Otherwise, there are common practices to award custody to the alienator. The judge overhears the children saying that they hate their estranged parent and, unaware that this is a symptom of the alienator’s brainwashing of PAS, the judge awards custody to the vilifying parent.

The estranged parent, the father

The role of the alienated parent is multifaceted. It is important that he does not start believing the allegations and accusations that are sent to him. This is very difficult when the alienator and children are requesting an investigation by Child Services to undermine the alienated.

CPS usually reports that after investigation the case is unfounded, but during the trial it is difficult to hold on to the estranged father’s self-respect and self-worth. First, the estranged father needs support from other friendly parents who saw his good upbringing.

Second, the estranged father does not need to emotionally surrender to the estranging mother/ex-spouse.

This can be accomplished by empathizing with children’s predicament when they begin to defend themselves against accusations. That is, the estranged father can point out to his child how difficult it is to be in a serious conflict of loyalties.

The father can remind the child of the good times they had and how he took good care of them. The estranged father must remind the children that he loves them regardless of their current beliefs.

This is how the estranged father maintains a connection with his child. When children visit the alienating mother, then leave and return to the alienated father, they are not allowed to talk to the latter and turn their head and body away.

It helps if the estranged father doesn’t read this as if he’s an actual failure or unloved and rejected. Most likely, the child is stunned by the experience of the alienating ex-spouse, the biological mother, who denigrates her other parent, her beloved father.

They cannot allow themselves to feel the affection and love of the father they are returning to, for this brings them into deep conflict. However, after a few hours, the children may be able to regain the love and affection they released earlier in the day.

The Alienating Parent: The Narcissistic Mother

The alienating parent is a troubled individual, often a self-absorbed narcissist, who sees themselves as the center of their children’s lives. In fact, she sees herself as the center of everyone’s life.

She loses sight of the complex nature of her children and ex-spouse and sees that they are one-sided in meeting the demands she expects of them.

This process of disparaging the ex-spouse usually begins long before the separation and divorce. The alienator has drawn at least one child away from the other parent by tricking the child into believing the other parent is malicious, worthless, and possibly even dangerous.

The alienating parent also seeks control of their spouse long before the divorce. They could be the result of coming from parents who were also trying to control them.

The alienator’s/mother’s extended family supports her adult child in her efforts to discredit the ex-spouse. This dismantling of the former son-in-law relationship may have a long history. The alienating parent and their original family may be characterized by a lack of guilt or shame, and a lack of sympathy and empathy.

The fate of the stepmother

The stepmother is torn apart. She loves her new husband and wants to extend her love to his children. She is seen as an outcast by the children’s mother and does not have to believe what she is accused of.

Like her husband, it is crucial for her to empathize with her stepchildren and let them know that no matter what others say, she will always be there for them. She may be able to develop individual relationships with each stepchild if she consistently empathizes with them and does not show her anger towards her mother to defend her new husband.

This is difficult at best. Secretly, she can comfort her husband, constantly reminding him that he is a good father and that she really loves him, no matter what his ex-wife accuses him of.

This stepmom needs to be as patient as possible, even for years, to give her husband the loving support he needs as she tries to create a strong and loving new marriage.

The stepmother’s most difficult task is not to argue with the mother of her new stepchildren. The children will be very sensitive to this new relationship. It’s extraordinarily difficult to be polite and respectful to the woman your new husband divorced when she’s self-centered and coldly dismissive of your new part in the family dynamic.

Finding your own therapy for ongoing support can become essential. So easily, yet unintentionally, you as a stepmother and new wife can exacerbate all of the multiple conflicts your stepchildren and new husband face when the children think you are taking sides.

Empathy for the children is key. Punishment for their misbehaviour such as disrespect to you or your new husband may be totally inappropriate as this behavior is the result of the children acting out their mother’s wishes.

If you, as a stepmother, can see every behavior as sending the children through their actions messages that they cannot put into words, they will believe that you are on their side.

The stepmother’s new role is tricky by all accounts, but certainly when she’s fundamentally confronted with a narcissistic enemy who all too easily blames her for dragging her ex-husband away from her, and the imaginary beliefs of those Mother that the stepmother wants to take her place.

It is of the utmost importance to have quality time with each stepchild individually so that each child can get to know you as a real person, not who your mother claims you are or pretended to be.

Learning to be a good listener without any judgment, no matter how caustic the kids may be, is your best ally.

Listen continuously, even when yelled at, tell the children you’re sad about what they’re feeling, and after they’ve said their thoughts, remind them that you’re there for them no matter what is.

Let them know that you know they love their mother and that you cannot replace them in any way, just an extra adult to count on when needed.

When the children see that you love their father with tender affection and support when he is melancholic, this will set the example of how they too can still love their father.

Tolerating that your new relationship with your husband will no doubt be marred by his ex-spouses’ behavior will take a long time, but having other support to express your honest feelings, be it a therapist and/or friends, will help tremendously .

Being polite and polite to your husband’s ex-spouse is the ONLY way to proceed. You can’t win arguments with her. She doesn’t think empathically or rationally. Reminding them that their children are being hurt is only taken as an accusation, not helpful advice, so refrain from doing so.

Similarly, defending your husband in front of their mother’s children will only further alienate the stepchildren from you. They can provoke you into it. Do your best not to become a target, just an empathetic listener. This is a daunting task, but it will have a positive outcome. The kids will see that you don’t break up, can keep your respect for everyone and is actually a new secure adult to love and rely on.

Conclusion

While I have described the individuals in the family separately, they are actually all in an interlocking family system in which an affected parent becomes the scapegoat to maintain a new balance after the family suffers a divorce. The other victim, of course, is the new wife, who wants her new husband’s children to love her and hopes to be motherly towards them.

Either the divorce crisis or previous interlocking pathologies of family members, or both, can lead to interactions that lead to PAS. For example, the child may have been too dependent and infantilized on the mother from an early age. The child may have slept with the mother or frequently gone to activities alone with that parent, except for the father. The younger the child, the easier the onboarding process.

During the separation and divorce crisis, this child may be drawn even closer to his mother, who has already tricked the child into scapegoating the father.

In every possible scenario, it will further aggravate the seeds that existed prior to the divorce.

In conclusion, both the psychiatric community and the justice system need to become aware of the process of parental alienation in order to help the family successfully manage their changing circumstances in an emotionally healthy and legally ethical manner. Overcoming PAS ignorance is the first step.

Austin, R (2006). Pas as a child against himself. The International Handbook of Parental Alienation Syndrome . (Eds. R. Gardner, S. Sauber, D. Lorandos). Charles C. Thomas Publishing House, Springfield, Illinois.

Lorandos, D. (2006). Parental Alienation Syndrome in American Law. The International Handbook of Parental Alienation Syndrome. (Eds. R. Gardner, S. Sauber, D. Lorandos). Charles C. Thomas Publishing House, Springfield, Illinois.

Forget co-parenting; Aim for parallel parenting

When I left my husband, I had never heard the term “narcissistic personality disorder.” A friend suggested I google it, which I did, and then I spent the next few weeks on the internet. My learning curve was enormous. I encountered strange acronyms, new mental health terminology, and descriptions of disturbed people that sounded just like my husband.

I felt like a billion lightbulbs had wiped the fog out of my brain.

Of course, I knew my husband was rigid, had high expectations, lacked empathy, seemed to get hot and cold, and easily dismissed people for bizarre reasons. Plus, he wasn’t friends with any of his exes, told a bewildering array of stories about someone else wronging him, seemed to make and break all the rules, and — come to think of it — I’d never actually seen it done , apologizing to anyone in the six years we’ve been together.

But the idea that my husband could have a personality disorder absolutely blew my mind. While I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and hadn’t imagined his odd behavior, I was also devastated because a diagnosis of personality disorder meant my husband was unlikely to ever change.

In the two years since I left my ex-husband, I have dealt with police reports, a restraining order, the family court system, a custody evaluation, various therapists, and supervised visitation requests to protect my children. If you are dealing with a narcissist, know this: Divorcing with a narcissist is not like other divorces. A custody battle with a narcissist is not like other custody battles. A narcissist is self-centered, highly abusive, and lacks empathy or self-esteem. He will seek to punish and control anyone who violates his fragile ego. He is incapable of putting another person’s interests ahead of his own, and that includes the welfare of his children.

Looking back, I had no idea what was in store for me when I left my husband. The journey of leaving a narcissist is a seemingly never-ending path of stress, exhaustion, sadness, and confusion. And for those of us who share children with a narcissist, that grief and stress is compounded exponentially. So from one solo mom in the trenches to another, here are some ways you can keep your sanity while trying to be with a narcissist.

Embrace parallel parenting

Even though most ex-boyfriends talk about co-parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible, so forget that. Parallel parenting is your best bet. The concept of parallel parenting is this: your house, your rules, your peace. His house, his madness, his circus.

If your children change homes on a regular basis, they undoubtedly face a whole host of dysfunctions while they are with the narcissistic parent. Aside from documenting or pursuing legal action, when extreme (or illegal) issues arise, the best way to counteract the madness is to offset it by building safe and healthy homes for your children. Strive to build your home on a foundation of everything the narcissist’s home is not—empathy, unconditional love, appropriate boundaries, using vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness, and the security to express genuine feelings.

Record, document and document even more

When you’re forced to circle around a narcissist, craziness and gaslighting are the order of the day. Documentation becomes an important lifeline. During my custody battle, my memory was so clouded by years of narcissistic abuse that I relied heavily on my Google Calendar and journal to remind me of what had happened that week.

If you’ve been down this path for a while, you know how tedious documenting is. It’s an extra chore on top of all the other responsibilities you’re responsible for as a solo mom. Not only does it feel like the narcissist is manipulating your children, but it also interferes with your free time, your ability to relax and enjoy your life, and your brain power. But whatever you do, keep documenting.

The unfortunate part of sharing children with a narcissist means you’ll likely find yourself in court again. And depending on the state of his finances, you might end up in court more often. As a stable, responsible parent, it’s your job to document every time the narcissist is late to visit, says manipulative things to your child on the phone, keeps your child away until 11pm. on a school night, or he chooses to go on vacation with his new girlfriend instead of taking the time to visit the kids. Whether you’re jotting down your notes in a journal, emailing yourself, or recording voice, your documentation could prove essential for your future case. Also, check the recording laws in your state. If you live in a one-party consent state, you can legally record phone conversations and conversations in which you participate.

Stick to the plan

In a normal coparent relationship, there is give and take. The parenting plan signed by both parties serves as a guide. In a truly amicable breakup, there may not even be a parenting plan. But when you’re dating a narcissist, you need a parenting plan made of steel. And the best thing to do is stick to the plan. If the parenting plan calls for an after-dinner call, do that. If the parenting plan calls for 14 days of leave per parent, don’t comply with their request for 18 days. If you don’t have an ironclad parenting plan, the narcissist will try to interpret and exploit any fuzzy language in the plan to their advantage.

natural consequences

Parallel parenting with a narcissist requires you to apply the core principles of love-and-logic parenting, but modified to accommodate the toddler who lives in the body of this adult male known as the narcissist. Repeat after me: natural consequences, natural consequences, natural consequences.

In the parent language, this means that if Johnny forgets his football uniform, he will not be able to attend the game. In the language of co-parenting with a narcissist, if the narcissist confirms parental leave two days late, they will have to wait until next week.

Don’t feed the narcissist

Narcissists feed on chaos and energy. As such, the narcissist will try to roll over you at every opportunity. He will create mountains from molehills. He will ignore court orders. If you’re in the middle of a divorce or custody evaluation, he’ll procrastinate. He’s late with the paperwork. He might refuse to fully communicate (like my narcissist), or he might send out a dozen emails a day of rambling nonsense. As much as possible, find a way to let the little things roll off your back.

Email only

The general rule of thumb when breaking up with a narcissist is no contact. That means exactly what it sounds like: no communication with the narcissist at all. But when you share a child, no contact is harder to achieve. Refuse to engage with the narcissist as much as possible. Insist on written communication only. The narcissist will fight this (mine still does) because they know it’s a lot easier to disorient someone over the phone or in person than it is over email. Stand your ground Solo Mom.

focus on you

I know the idea of ​​focusing on yourself sounds crazy. You with a kid or two pulling on your pant leg. You, with a full-time job, an ex-narcissist determined to make your life miserable, and a sink full of dishes. I get it – I also have a hard time concentrating on myself.

In the world of solo moms recovering from narcissists, we toss the term self-care around but often forget to explain what it means. I like to think of it as doing something good for myself. Treat me kindly as if I were my own child. If that means a candy bar in the bath after the kids go to bed, do it. If that means Monday afternoon yoga class while the kids are at school, sign up. Knit a hat, write a story, go for a run or doodle in an adult coloring book.

You may be interested in the article “What I Know About a Narcissist Now Two Years After Divorcing” by the same author.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us with any comments or questions.

Angered and outraged by her behavior, Charles sought help on how to deal with her. Obviously what he did in marriage wouldn’t work now so he needed some new strategies. Those are the things he remembered daily until they became a habit.

Realize that they will not change. Just because there was a divorce doesn’t mean the narcissist gains any insight or responsibility. Instead, in some cases, things will be more the same, if not worse. They have not changed in marriage and will not divorce. Remember that a divorce has taken place. Some narcissists like to think that their ex-spouses are still theirs. The idea of ​​sister wives is very attractive to them because they can remain the center of attention in two relationships. Therefore, many narcissists are happy to continue a sexual or inappropriately intimate relationship with their ex-spouses. plan responses. Even after a divorce, narcissists expect instant replies to their text, phone, or email messages. Any delay will likely escalate into some form of verbal attack. Start by waiting 15 minutes to respond and then work your way up to a 12-24 hour response time. This sets more reasonable expectations. But no longer than 24 hours. Only answer what is asked. Again there was a divorce. There is no need for constant explanations of expenses, whereabouts, and other relationships as if the marriage were alive. Instead, answer only the question that is asked, using as few words as possible. Do not tolerate abusive behavior. One of the reasons for the divorce was likely the narcissists’ abusive behavior. There is no reason to continue to tolerate it. Walk away, hang up the phone, block them if necessary, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance line to a more comfortable place instead of where it was during marriage. Appreciate the silence. Narcissists will remain silent or absent after a divorce when someone else is captivated by them and is feeding their insatiable need for attention. This is a good time to take a deep breath and gather strength. Eventually, when the relationship goes awry, the narcissist will redouble their focus on their ex-spouse. Use the hamburger method when something is needed. The Hamburger Method is a way of communicating that makes it easier to take criticism. The ingredients are compliment, confrontation and compliment. Imagine a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine come down. Since the narcissistic ego needs regular caresses, this almost always works. limit interactions. Try as much as possible to reduce the number of face-to-face interactions. If they are needed, do so with another person present or in a neutral setting like a coffee shop. The more involvement with a narcissist, the more they want and that defeats the purpose of a divorce. ignore threats. If the narcissist feels they are losing in any way, they will make threats. Sometimes these are benign and nothing comes from the threat. In other cases there is a full attack. Marital behavior is the best judge of that in a divorce. Avoid any embarrassment. The best way to ignite a narcissist is to publicly embarrass them. Unless full war is desired, it is not recommended. Instead, take the main road. In this way, if the narcissist tries to humiliate, they will come across as petty to others and the narcissistic traits will be revealed.

While these strategies didn’t stop Charles’ ex-spouse from behaving inappropriately, they did help keep his own emotions in check. That way, he could deal better with any surprise she gave him.

1

2 shares

Is it okay if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? It is normal? Or something to worry about? And what can you do or say? What if your boyfriend doesn’t stop talking to his ex, what then?

Well my friends, in this post we will answer all that and more. So let’s break it down. Here’s what to do if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex.

Is it okay if your boyfriend still talks to his ex?

First, let’s look at this: Is it okay if your boyfriend still talks to his ex?

Well, it really depends on a few things. So let me ask you some questions…

Should he still talk to his ex?

Why is he talking to his ex? Do you have children together? Is there a need? Or is he saying they’re just friends? How long have you been together? What’s the story there? And how did it end? Why did it even end? Does he tell you he’s talking to his ex? Is he open and honest about it? Or did he hide it? Did he talk to his ex behind your back? Do you know what they’re talking about? Have you ever seen the news? did he show you Or did you snoop / did you have to ask? Does this create tension in the relationship? How is he with you when she grows up and vice versa? how do you usually react When he says they’re just friends – have you met them before? Did he introduce you? Have you made an effort to feel reassured and safe? How do you feel about this? And have you spoken to him about how you feel about it?

See, whether it’s “right” or “wrong” depends entirely on how the situation is and how you’re feeling. If you’re not sure what to think, then let’s dig a little further.

What to think if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex

As we’ve discovered, there are many factors that contribute to why your boyfriend might still be talking to his ex. There are also many variables that affect how you think/feel.

Watch for some – this might not be a big deal. It can also be completely harmless and nothing to worry about. A few examples:

If the relationship with his ex was not serious. Yes, technically she’s an ex. But they haven’t been together long, it’s been a long time too. And they’ve been friends ever since.

Likewise, if your friend is still talking to their ex, but they’ve introduced you, she’s in the friend group, they’re all connected, and you can see there’s nothing — that shouldn’t be a cause for concern either.

Another situation that often comes up is when a friend is still talking to their ex when they have a child together. Well I know this can feel confrontational. In her eyes, “they have a child together, that’s a big deal!” And it is. But that doesn’t mean anything is between them, and just talking about and because of that child together doesn’t have to get in the way of your relationship.

What to do when your boyfriend is talking to his ex

You see, the biggest challenge you’re likely to struggle with when your boyfriend is still talking to their ex (but it’s completely harmless) is your own fears and insecurities. So I want you to:

Step back. Look at it from the outside – is there really anything to worry about here? Check out why it bothers you. What are you scared of? how does that make you feel What is the worst that can happen here and how likely is it that it actually happens? Talk to him about it. You have every right to feel uncomfortable. That is not the problem. But it doesn’t have to be a problem. But communication is everything. As a partner, he should listen to you, he should do what he can to make it easier for you (when he desperately needs you in his life) and you can use that to actually empower both of you – that’s what you rely on. Because that’s another matter.

do you trust him Is there anything he’s done that suggests you shouldn’t trust him? You should be a little suspicious? And how does that affect the state of your relationship as a whole? Because now let’s look at the other side…

What to do if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex

Some of the situations that are likely to make you uncomfortable (and rightly so) when your boyfriend is still talking to his ex include:

When they talked behind your back. It was dishonest, even suspicious.

If you know that inappropriate messages have been sent (either from his end, her end, or both).

If he’s mysterious. He becomes defensive. He acts like he’s hiding something.

When the breakup was fairly fresh. Or there’s a lot of history and potential feelings there.

When he suddenly started talking to an ex again. They are not friends, there is no reason or need. And, in some cases, you’re going through your own relationship problems at the same time.

These are just a few examples, but can you see the difference? These reasons are justified, there is a degree of dishonesty.

You also probably feel that it is difficult to talk to or approach your friend. This is not how a healthy relationship should be.

What to do if you want your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex

If you want your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex, you must:

Understand how you are feeling. Before you approach him, you need to be clear about how you’re feeling, where it’s coming from, and how you want to convey it. Make sure you don’t let your insecurities get the best of you. If you are, work on it, see if you can work through it, and only approach him after you’ve tried things on your part. Talk to him about it. The next step is to just talk – to have an open conversation about it. Don’t go into it and blame him or be confrontational. This will only straighten his back and get you both nowhere. Instead, keep calm. Be reasonable. And just talk it through.

What to do when your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex

If you’ve followed the process above and find that your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex, you’ll feel a little torn.

Maybe he says he doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t have to, or he blames you and thinks you’re unreasonable. Or maybe he just refuses to talk about it at all. They argue. Or get the silent treatment.

Whatever it is, I want you to:

Think again. Not to change your mind, but to reaffirm that you still feel the way you do, even after listening – and accepting – what he said and his side of the argument. Talk to others about it. If you start to doubt yourself, get a second opinion – from friends, family or myself as a dating and relationship coach. Own what you feel. If you then still know that he shouldn’t talk to his ex, somehow it’s wrong and you want him to stop, don’t back down and don’t compromise. Express it again. make it clear These are your relationship standards and you will not be in any relationship without trust or mutual respect. You don’t make unnecessary demands, but you expect to be treated the way he would like to be treated. And that’s not right for you.

If your boyfriend still won’t stop talking to his ex after all of this, then I know you have a tough decision to make. But think about what you would do in his place and how much he means to you.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, everyone deserves to be loved equally in return. If he’s not willing to cut an ex out of his life for a future with you, then girl, he doesn’t deserve you.

ARE YOU IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP? CLICK HERE FOR A FREE RELATIONSHIP TRIAL

Should you give him an ultimatum?

So let’s say your boyfriend is still talking to his ex, and — despite talking about it — nothing changes.

He’s not trying to make you feel better, you seem stuck and he won’t stop talking to her. Should you then give him an ultimatum?

Well, no, not exactly. You shouldn’t have to, you shouldn’t want to and it has to come from him. But you have to make it clear that this is a problem for you, you’re not going to just sweep it under the rug and you have to work through it.

See what he has to say, see what he proposes, see if he cares enough for you and will fight for you. This should of course lead to a compromise or change. And if not, evaluate your relationship as a whole and decide if maybe you should walk away.

Deep down you will know the answer. You’ll know if this is being brought up out of jealousy/insecurity on your part or if it really is just the last straw for the two of you. Either way, be brave. know your worth

That’s all for this one

So there we have it. What to think/do if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex and, what’s more, what to do if your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex.

I hope it doesn’t come to that. But a few recommended readings that I think will really help from here:

Take care!

Love,

Ell_xx

Getting through a breakup and dealing with the aftermath, how you’re going to stay friends (if that’s what you want at all), what you’re going to do when you see each other, how you deal with social media and more is enough to get us all going , in sch*tty relationships forever. It’s hard (and frankly, a lot more effort than any of us want to put in) figuring out the nitty-gritty details of post-breakup life, especially when we’re dealing with how the heck we’re going to live without the other person in order in the first place that we have probably built our lives and that we can possibly envision a future with. But we can’t stay in this cycle of confusion and stress forever.

Not knowing exactly how to approach this problem either (I’m studying with you here, Everygirls), I turned to expert advice on why we should set limits and how we actually do it. I spoke to Heidi McBain, a mental wellbeing consultant who focuses on women’s mental wellbeing, about breakups — here was her top advice:

Take your time and ask for help

We all know that you need a little time to heal after a breakup, but this time is especially important if you intend to stay friends or maintain a relationship. McBain explained the importance of grieving and understanding that a breakup is a loss, even if you were the one making the call. “It’s not just a loss of how you hoped things would happen in the present, it’s a loss of future hopes and dreams that come with that relationship,” McBain said.

Taking time for yourself doesn’t have to be a month of face masks and spa visits and Netflix movie nights. McBain suggested seeing a therapist or discussing the grief of this relationship through therapy. She said it could be a great place to grieve and process what went wrong in that relationship and what went right in that relationship so you don’t make the same mistakes in the future.

Understand why you need boundaries

If you think that you and your ex don’t need to set boundaries, then you and I have a lot in common, and one of those things is that we’re wrong. Setting boundaries is important in any relationship, especially one that just ended. “Setting healthy boundaries with an ex gives both of you space to mourn the loss of the relationship early on, but also gives you both space to move forward and date other people as well (when you’re ready),” she said McBain.

Boundaries are there to help both of you navigate the breakup and whatever relationship you want to have. will you still talk How often do you text or call each other? Will you follow each other on social media? How will you manage to be together in social situations or hang out with mutual friends? Will you unfriend/unfollow their family or friends on social media? There are dozens of situations that will change after a breakup, and while it may seem awkward, in the long run it becomes a lot easier to set expectations for how you both will act.

talk to them

When the time feels right, you should be able to talk to your ex about the boundaries you want to set, and they should be able to discuss the same with you. Your opinions and ideas may differ, and that’s okay. Focus on making compromises in a way that is beneficial, easy, and works for both of you. According to McBain, this conversation should be “open and honest.”

Block them if you must

If you’re stressed about seeing your ex on Instagram or realizing they’ve seen your stories, it’s okay to ban them from your story or ban their account altogether. Focus on your sanity here instead of worrying that blocking your relationship will cause a riff. According to McBain, if the other person doesn’t respect the boundaries you set, blocking them and making more time for yourself could be a good next step.

However, she also suggests being mindful of your intentions. If you’re blocking them to show or be petty (guilty!), that’s a different situation. If you’re just planning on blocking them temporarily, be mindful and set a schedule for when you’ll unblock and reevaluate your relationship with social media. Don’t be afraid to talk to them about it. You should understand that having them as friends or following them on social media can be triggering for you and that it is about your mental well-being.