Top 39 How Does A Lesbian Lose Her Virginity 12858 Votes This Answer

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How Lesbians Lose Their Virginity

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How Do Lesbians Lose Their Virginity? Defining “Sex” Is Personal

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Ask a Homo: When does a lesbian lose her virginity? (VIDEO.)

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How Lesbians Lose Their Virginity

It should come as no surprise to Broadly readers that most of the world is organized around men. A man, Jacques Derrida, even created the word to express the idea: phallogocentrism.

In short, the phallus defines the world, and for millennia it has defined sex. The insertion of a penis into a woman has been the defining line between virginity and its absence. How then, could two women—neither of whom happen to posses a penis—lose their virginity? How do they cross the slippery rubicon from innocence to experience?

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“There is an enduring idea that virginity is a bodily state,” says Hanne Blank, historian and author of Virgin: The Untouched History. “That it’s a physical thing, and that the body changes when virginity is lost.”

For instance, Blank points out, the Greeks thought all the human plumbing was one tube—nose connected to throat connected to vagina connected to butt hole—and that a woman’s whole physiology would thus change after being penetrated for the first time. “They believe a woman’s throat would literally get bigger,” Blank says. “There were virginity tests that would look for that.”

Blank is loath to throw extra shade on the Greeks for their ideas about virginity “because I don’t want people to think, ‘Oh they’re bullshit and I’m right,'” Blank says. “They’re all bullshit.”

I have no idea when a lesbian loses her virginity! And I feel so embarrassed because I have no idea whether I’m a virgin or not!

Still, it’s a question that persists, especially among young lesbians who have few people in their lives they can turn to for answers. “I’d rather ask a bunch of strangers than someone I know,” wrote a teenage lesbian on Yahoo! Answers. “I have no idea when a lesbian loses her virginity! And I feel so embarrassed because I have no idea whether I’m a virgin or not!”

“One nice thing about lesbian sex being so hard to define is that I could have lots and lots of juicy, scary, furtive, lesbian experiences and still pretend no hole had been punched in my v-card,” says queer poet Jocelyn Macdonald. Macdonald grew up in a conservative, evangelical home and considered herself “saved for marriage” while also doing acts that she now considers sex with women.

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Blank says many queer people conceive of having multiple virginities for the multiple genders they fuck. “When I lost my virginity to a guy, this happened, but when I lost it to a woman, this happened,” she says. Gale shared such a narrative with me. “If virginity isn’t penetration but does have to do with the first time getting some pleasure in the genital region by an active force, I’d have to say I lost my virginity to a pool jet,” she says. “If it was a person, it was a d-bag. If we’re talking ladies, it was a sloppy but nonetheless sexual drunken tumble at a party that involved some fingering, some oral, etc.”

Photo by Jovana Rialko via Stocksy

Sociologist Laura Carpenter interviewed 22 LGBT individuals for her book Virginity Lost. “Twenty-one of the 22 gay and bisexual men and women I interviewed claimed that a person could lose her or his virginity through oral and/or anal sex as well as through vaginal intercourse,” she wrote. “However, manual genital stimulation alone was not sufficient to constitute virginity loss in the eyes of even my most inclusive informants.” In other words, you got to put your money where your mouth is (and by money, we mean the exposed genitals of another human being, the greatest currency on earth).

Hair and makeup artist Polly Tyson considers the loss of her lesbian virginity to be the first time she went down on a girl. “I found myself at her cunt, which is exactly where I wanted to be, but I then realized with terror that I had not the faintest idea what to do next,” she says. “I remember thinking to myself, Relax, stupid. She’s going to know you’re trying too hard. It won’t work if you’re trying too hard! Relax, goddammit!” Polly’s partner eventually sensed her fear and they switched to using a vibrator together.

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“Lesbians lose their virginity by having sex,” says Blank, “just like everyone else.” Which of course immediately leads to another question: What is sex?

Again, the act has until recently been defined by penetration. Studies by the Kinsey Institute, the Archives of Sexual Behavior, and the Canadian Journal of Sexuality have attempted to find a universal definition of sex, and all have failed. In a review of previous studies, the Canadian research team found that 97 percent of respondents viewed penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex as sex. However, a study done by the Kinsey Institute in 1999 found that only 82 percent of men over the age of 60 believed PIV sex with condoms was still sex. For them, sex needed to have a potentially procreative aspect or it didn’t count.

The Canadian study, which only surveyed people who identified as heterosexual, found that only “less than 25 percent of participants considered oral genital behavior to be having sex, more than 60 percent thought that the giver or receiver of oral sex was a sexual partner, and more than 97 percent considered a partner who had oral sex with someone else to be have been unfaithful.” In short: The definition of sex changes depending on who’s having it with whom, and when, and how.

“A lot of queer folks feel they lost their virginity the first time they had an orgasm with a partner,” says Blank. “It wasn’t about what acts or even what genders were involved. It’s as valid a definition as any other.”

How Do Lesbians Lose Their Virginity? Defining “Sex” Is Personal

My friends and I were talking about when we lost our virginities recently, and I said, without thinking, “15.” It’s when I first had sex, after all. But I wasn’t expecting the follow-up question — was it with a girl or guy? Can you lose your virginity to a girl if you are a girl? How do lesbians lose their virginity? What counts as sex?

The weird thing is that I hadn’t really thought about it. When it comes to hetero sex, everyone knows what counts, and I just thought it was the same with lesbian sex. You know when you’ve had sex, amiright? But then comes the inevitable, “How does it count, though? How is it different from “real sex”? I find it so frustrating when lesbian sex is compared to “real sex” — because it is real sex! But the number of people who belittle it — or dismiss it outright — would make your head spin. Lesbian fingering, cunnilingus — there are reasons these are called “finger f*cking” and oral sex, because they are sex.

“Our culture is so fixated on vaginal penetration with a penis constituting ‘sex,’ as that was a standard set a long time ago. It may be helpful for legal purposes but not in terms of consensual sexual expression,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “In the age of fluidity and choice, when we look at lesbian relationships it serves as an example that the definition of sex can be broadened,” she adds, noting oral sex, lesbian fingering, or using a sex toy on a same-gendered partner. “They are all sex acts. The real question is… does it matter? Let each person define virginity for themselves and communicate their definition to their partner(s).”

Exactly. I think it’s important not to judge anyone else’s experience. How weird is it to tell someone that what feels like a sexual encounter to them doesn’t actually count as one? We don’t need to be gatekeeping sex acts. Besides, everyone is different: Some people think oral is more intimate than penis-in-vagina sex. Some lesbians use strap-ons or dildos; others don’t. They’re not doing it in a “I just wish this was more like sex with a man” kind of way. So we need to stop comparing.

So How Do Lesbians Lose Their Virginity?

It’s deeply personal. Honestly, I really wish we could de-mythologize the concept of “virginity” — lesbian or otherwise. But its position as some kind of marker seems to remain. So I would say that anything that involves genitals probably counts as lesbian sex. And, yes, I know there’s the argument that a lot of people don’t count fingering, sex toy play, or oral sex as “sex” with a man, but if you’ve been intimate, if you feel like you’ve had sex, then you’ve had sex.

Sources:

Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure

How do lesbians lose their virginity?

It’s a no-brainer, right – had a penis in your vagina? Not a virgin. But who cares about penises. We’re here to chat vag on vag.

Warning: contains a discussion regarding rape and sexual assault and how that relates to virginity, at the very end of the article.

How do queer ladies lose their virginity if there are just two vaginas to wet the stamp?

There are a few key ways that lady lovers may get it on together, often involving fingers, tongues and objects. There may be penetration, there may be anal, there may be scissoring.

All of these activities involve sex, because the behaviour is sexy in intention, but settling on a definition of ‘sex’ is pretty hard. This gets even harder when we start talking virginity.

The concept of virginity starts to leak through the underwear of our culture with two main opposing views: save it or lose it. How we rate sexy activities on the virginity and ‘was it real sex’ scale looks different depending on who you ask.

Whether you have ‘had sex’ or not is tied up in our beliefs about virginity and sex. This needs reassessing for many reasons, including keeping ourselves safe.

If we don’t think it’s sex, then we may not protect ourselves, for example. Sex research has focused some attention on what we do and don’t consider to be ‘sex’ by asking a bunch of young ‘uns.

This segues into what behaviours could possibly be capable of causing the loss of virginity. Technically speaking, if a person has had ‘sex’, they have lost their virginity as the baseline. Right? Well, sort of.

But what is ‘sex’?

Eating someone out in a bathroom at a party? Maybe. Making sweet love to your girlfriend in your shared bed? Sure. Using a dildo to masturbate? No. Sex is understood as something you do with someone else, generally, so wanking is out.

When it comes to the crunch, we all have pretty wide views about what is and isn’t sex, and this colours what activities we think can cause a loss of virginity, and which ‘preserve’ us.

Lesbians, queer folks and virginity

Some queer folk may dream up multiple virginities. For example, if you had any kind of sex with a woman for the first time, that’s one virginity down the tubes. A man, another.

If you have a threesome for the first time, one more virginity is lit on fire, and so on. Some lesbians say that they consider they lost their virginity when they had their first orgasm, or had oral sex, or anal sex.

Lesbians who have never had a penis in their vagina may consider themselves to remain a virgin, despite sex with women.

Depending on who you talk to, losing your virginity as a lesbian may include:

First orgasm

First orgasm with a woman

First time you had good sex with a woman

First time you had sex with a woman

First time you had sex with anyone

First fingering that resulted in an orgasm

First fingering

First oral sex that resulted in an orgasm

First oral sex

First anal sex

And whatever thousand other variations you can dream up

Conclusion, virgins? You lose your virginity when you say you do.

What more general research tells us about what we reckon is ‘sex’

There is no research really on gal-on-gal action in terms of virginity – it’s not niche exactly, but as we know, past researchers were almost all exclusively men, and newer sex researchers have bigger fish to fry. Watch this space.

A 1996 study found that many college students did not consider someone a sexual partner if they had only given or gotten oral sex. When asked ‘is oral sex ‘real’ sex?’, about half of women and men said yes.

Turns out a lot of the time, we don’t think sexy stuff is sex unless it fits a certain arbitrary criteria. This criteria is very personal and therefore completely made-up.

Here’s the nuts and bolts of the research:

In a study entitled Would you say you ‘had sex’ if… we found the following droplets of data-driven juice for us:

Almost everyone agreed that penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse qualified as having ‘had sex’

Eighty-one per cent said anal sex (penile-anal) counted as sex, but 19 per cent did not count anal sex as ‘real’ sex

Deep kissing was almost always not sex, but a wild two per cent said it was

Same with boobie touching – three per cent said it was sex

Fingering/handjobs was also not high up on anyone’s list of real sex, with just 14 per cent saying yes, it’s having sex

About 40 per cent said that they had ‘had sex’ if oral sex was involved, but 60 per cent did not count oral as ‘real’ sex

Seventy-four per cent of women and 80 per cent of men had previously had p-in-v sex, and about the same amount had had oral sex

Whether people had had sexual experience of the oral or p-in-v variety before did not colour what they determined as ‘having sex’

If a person had only experienced oral sex, ever, they were much more likely to say oral sex was definitely not sex

What we think of sex when we are abstaining

Twenty-four per cent of college students in one study said that anal sex kept their virginity intact

Thirty-seven per cent regard oral sex as abstinent behaviour

And 10 per cent said that vaginal intercourse was not sex

Wet kissing and wanking another person off were considered abstinent behaviour (75 per cent and 61 per cent respectively)

___________

Do you lose your virginity if you are raped or sexually assaulted?

This is where things get a little trickier, but illustrate a point well: virginity, while based in physical sexual acts, is a made-up idea that we decide when is ‘lost’. Many research respondents have argued that you can’t lose your virginity to rape or sexual assault.

Basically, that’s not fair and you can’t lose your virginity to something like that. It also plays into the notion that sex is something you do with someone else, not to someone else.

If you don’t participate willingly, then it doesn’t count, which fits in with our general ideas about what is sex and what isn’t.

References

Bersamin MM, Fisher DA, Walker S, Hill DL, Grube JW. Defining virginity and abstinence: adolescents’ interpretations of sexual behaviors. J Adolesc Health . 2007;41(2):182–188. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2007.03.011

. 2007;41(2):182–188. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2007.03.011 Bogart LM, Cecil H, Wagstaff DA, et al. Is it “sex”?: College Students’ Interpretations of Sexual Behavior Terminology. Journal of Sex Research. 2000;37:108–116.

Carpenter LM. The ambiguity of “Having Sex”: The subjective experience of virginity loss in the United States. The Journal of Sex Research. 2001;38:127–139.

Laura M. Carpenter, Associate Professor of Sociology at Vanderbilt University, author of Virginity Lost: An Intimate Portrait of First Sexual Experiences.

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