Top 36 How To Get A Guy Back That Pushed You Away 8014 Good Rating This Answer

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Contents

What do you do when a guy pushes you away?

If you’re being pushed away

Ask how you can support them. Maybe they need a little more communication, or a little more physical reassurance (like a kiss, embrace, or casual touch) to feel more secure with you. …
Avoid over-reassurance. …
Cultivate patience.

Why does a guy push you away?

Someone can push their partner away by saying they are busy with work or other activities, so they don’t have the time needed to invest in getting close to others. They can also create unnecessary tension by starting arguments or not putting in any effort, meaning the other person will eventually give up the pursuit.

How do you get a guy back that used you?

How To Get Revenge On A Guy Who Played You (17 Ways To Make Him Pay)

1.1 1. Block him everywhere.
1.2 2. Put frozen fish or meat in his apartment.
1.3 3. Get that revenge body.
1.4 4. Dress well.
1.5 5. Do you.
1.6 6. The no-contact rule.
1.7 7. Delete important work files from his laptop.
1.8 8.

How do you get a guy back when he pulls away?

There are 7 fool proof steps that you can take to deal with it.

Remain Calm. …
Take Some Time To Reflect. …
Check In With Him. …
When He Pulls Away Do Nothing (Don’t Pursue or Chase Him) …
Focus On Connecting With Yourself. …
Be Open Minded. …
Communicate Your Needs. …
The First Step Is Not To Freak Out.

Is it possible that he will come back?

If you’re wondering, “Will he come back?” — the answer is yes, they always do. Ex-boyfriends seem to have a knack for making a reappearance after breaking up with you — especially just when you’re finally feeling like you’re getting over the whole thing and are ready to move on with your life.

How do I stay in his mind?

Be a good listener. Wait to hear all he has to say and don’t interrupt. Use the opportunity to talk as an opportunity for him to tell you more about himself, not as one for your own stories. For yourself, don’t reveal too much too soon, as a sense of mystery will definitely leave you on his mind, wanting to know more.

Why do guys push you away and then come back?

Guys pull away and then come back for many reasons. Men pull away and then come back because they are not sure how to feel about you yet. Men may pull away because they want the freedom of being single, or because they still have feelings for someone else and don’t know what to do with two women in their lives.

How do you trigger hero instinct on a guy?

How to trigger Man’s Hero Instinct?

Asking for his Help. While he may have thought you an enticing woman because of your independence, you must also be obsession compelling. …
Show your Appreciation. …
Encourage him to pursue Betterment. …
Make sure he knows that He Makes You Happy.

Why do guys get scared and back off?

Perhaps the biggest reason why men pull away early in a relationship is because they are scared of how they feel. Whether or not they were actively searching for love when you met them, the feeling of suddenly falling for someone is full of uncertainty. Some men simply find this difficult to process.

How do you make a guy regret ignoring you?

15 tips to make him regret ignoring you

Express your feelings (to him) One of the most direct ways to learn how to make him regret ignoring you is by being upfront about it. …
Get your story straight. …
Be less available. …
Spend time with friends (especially mutual friends) …
Block him. …
Pursue other options. …
Conclusion.

How do you make a guy regret playing you?

Get your sweet revenge on him with these 16 ways to make him regret not choosing you.

Understand Why You’re So Hurt. …
Enjoy Your Single Life. …
Trigger his hero instinct. …
Try New Exciting Things. …
Work On Your Body. …
Try Out New Styles. …
Invite His Friends For A Hangout. …
Still Be Friendly With Him…

How do you know when a guy regrets hurting you?

25 definite signs he regrets hurting you (complete guide)

2) He tries to make up for the wrongs he had done to you. …
4) He is more sensitive to your feelings and wants to avoid hurting you in any way. …
6) He is more understanding of your moods and wants you to understand his as well.

What to do when he goes silent?

6 Ways to Respond to the Silent Treatment

Take some time to cool off.
Give your partner space to think.
Don’t apologize unless you’re truly sorry.
Apologize if you’re truly sorry.
Ask yourself whether it’s just a personality difference.
Set rules for healthy communication.

What to do when he stops texting?

What to Do When He Stops Texting

Keep it Cool. You should come first when it comes to yourself. …
Resist the Urge to Keep Texting. …
Keep Your Texts Brief and to the Point. …
Never Text First. …
Don’t Send Risque Texts to Get Attention.

How do you know a guy is losing interest in you?

Overall, if he’s losing interest in you, you’ll notice he becomes more distant. That’s one of the biggest signs he’s losing interest. You don’t spend as much time together, or when you do – you’re together but not really together. He’s disengaged, there but not really there: not fully present.

How do you tell if a guy is pushing you away?

15 Signs Someone Is Pushing You Away

They aren’t present when they’re with you. …
They barely talk to you. …
They don’t show you affection. …
They frequently start a fight. …
They cancel on you. …
They blame you for everything. …
They had a difficult childhood. …
They don’t like you.

Why do guys push you away and then come back?

How do you give him space and make him miss you?

20 ideas to give a man space to fall in love again

Don’t call or text but be there. This is all about not panicking and not forcing yourself on him when he needs space. …
Reconnect with yourself. …
Be exciting. …
Be empathic. …
Listen to what he needs. …
Self-care. …
Personal goals. …
Sit with your fears.

How To Get A Guy Back Who Pushed You Away | Try This!

He May Have Pushed You Away, But Here’s How To Get Him Back – Bolde

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Table of Contents:

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Most searched keywords: Whether you are looking for Pushing People Away: Why It Happens and How to Stop Updating Find yourself pushing people away just as you’re getting close to them? Here’s what might be going on. pushing people away
Table of Contents:

Signs

Why it happens

How to start letting people in

If you’re being pushed away

The bottom line

Pushing People Away: Why It Happens and How to Stop

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Table of Contents:

Anxiety can sabotage a relationship

It starts with the relationships we have with our caregivers

Other relationships can play a part too

There are things you can look out for

Save your energy for people that matter

Why Some People Push Away the People They Love

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Table of Contents:

17 Ways To Get Revenge On An Ex

FAQs

In Conclusion

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Most searched keywords: Whether you are looking for What To Do When He Pulls Away (Exact Steps To Stay High Value) Updating Wondering what to do when he pulls away? Follow these exact steps that work every time, when the man you’re with fades away or goes silent.
Table of Contents:

The Top 3 Reasons That He Pulls Away

When You’re in a Relationship and He Pulls Away

1 Remain Calm

2 Take Some Time To Reflect

3 Check In With Him

4 When He Pulls Away Do Nothing (Don’t Pursue or Chase Him)

5 Focus On Connecting With Yourself

6 Be Open Minded

7 Communicate Your Needs

When You’ve Had A Few Dates and He Pulls Away

1 The First Step Is Not To Freak Out

2 Find Your Perspective

3 Do Not Chase Him

4 Girl Get A Juicy Life!

5 Shake Up Your Daily Routine

6 Go On Dates (With Other Men)

Getting Him Back After He Pulls Away

Final Thoughts About How To Deal With Him Pulling Away

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He May Have Pushed You Away, But Here’s How To Get Him Back

Getting the cold shoulder from someone after it was once hot and heavy is the worst. Do you put it all out on the line for love and risk making a fool of yourself or play it cool with no guarantee they’ll change their mind? It’s hard to decide how to strategize once you’ve been turned on. Here are 8 tips on what to do if a guy you’re interested in starts distancing himself.

Start living your best life…hard. If it’s not even for the purpose of getting him back, just do this for you! Seriously, go out, have fun, set goals, and actually make them happen—and don’t be afraid to do a little bragging on your accomplishments along the way. He might see you winning and feel like he lost out for sleeping on you. No one regrets leaving behind dead weight, so make sure he knows for sure what you had to bring to the table. Make him want to beg for you back in his life.

Act really unbothered. Being clingy, desperate, and needy is extra and simply unattractive. He’ll be happy to have left a hot mess behind if you exhibit those emotional states in response. What he won’t understand is why you don’t care (if you’re able to act like you don’t, that is). It’ll make him question himself and why he wasn’t good enough to make you come running after him. People are seriously confusing in this way—want them back and it’s a turn-off, but act like you don’t and they end up wanting you! Don’t question the game, just play it.

Give him space but don’t totally exit his life. He may not have pushed you away because he entirely wants you gone. He may not even be sure exactly what he wants. Give him enough distance to allow him to miss you, but there’s a fine balance with this one. You don’t want to be so far removed you end up being “out of sight out of mind” and forgotten. If he gets too comfortable with your absence, it may just feel like work to start all over again to integrate you back into his routine. Be present but not stifling.

Start seeing other people. Jealousy is a natural human tendency. People just want what they can’t have and tend to get stuck in comparing themselves to others. It’s easier to take someone’s presence for granted when you feel like they will always be there at your disposal. Knowing other men have your attention and someone may claim you for their own will motivate him to step it up if he’d been dragging his feet before. Even just the thought of you being with someone else might prompt him to determine if he had feelings for you already or not. In any case, just being on the dating scene will generally make you appear more attractive. It’s the same concept as holding onto a job while you’re applying for others.

Work on you. Potentially uncomfortable to admit to yourself, but he may have pushed you away because you’re not the best catch right now. People seeking healthy relationships usually want to date someone on their level, not someone they have to save or have a supreme amount of understanding for. After dealing with the same nuances over and over, you just get the point where you stop making excuses for others and start adding to your list of dealbreakers. He may just view you as being too much of a project and not see a practical future with someone in your current place in life. If you step your game up a little bit by reaching some goals and smoothing out some wrinkles, he may start seeing you in a new light. Even if he doesn’t, you’re improving your life, and that can only be a good thing.

Create boundaries in your relationship. He’s not going to respect someone he can just stomp all over like a doormat. He might have pushed you away because you let him come in and out of your life. The more behaviors you overlook, the worse he’s going to treat you over time. It may feel scary to say “no” and set limits because you might wonder if that will drive him away, but if it does let that toxic mess go. More likely though, you’re just enabling him to take advantage of you and he will have more respect and better behavior if you put your foot down a little more and structure your interactions. He may not actually want to lose you completely so an ultimatum could be for the best.

Be more of who you were when he met you. Sometimes relationships can turn you into someone you don’t even recognize yourself. When you first met him, you were spontaneous and easy to talk to. Now all you do is nag him and try to catch him doing something wrong. You never want to go out anymore and give him a hard time about doing anything for himself. He may have pushed you away not because he doesn’t like you but because he doesn’t like the version of you that morphed out of getting close to one another. Do a self-check and be honest about your dateability. Would you want to take yourself out? If not, some personal changes may be in order to remind him of what attracted him to you in the first place and get that honeymoon phase bliss back.

Do your homework. He may not even be pushing you away or it may not be entirely personal and untypical behavior on his part. Have you even checked his zodiac sign? Taurus men, for example, are known to “test” the loyalty of someone who likes them before committing to giving all of their own loyalty away. On the other hand, Cancer and Scorpio men are likely to push you away simply because they’re dealing with their own emotions and trust issues. Sometimes you just need to understand their tendencies, not take their patterns personally, and ride it out instead of immediately throwing in the towel based on your perceptions. Alternatively, researching what attracts this sign is also a helpful step. You could be doing everything that turns them off and need to find out what they even like in a woman.

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Pushing People Away: Why It Happens and How to Stop

Share on Pinterest 904821404 Getty Images We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Here’s our process. You’ve started growing closer to your partner when suddenly they begin to behave in ways that seem calculated to push you apart. This distance leaves you hurt and confused. You thought the relationship was progressing well, and suddenly it isn’t. Or maybe you’re the one who pushes people away. You start shutting down when a relationship starts to become serious or pull back when friends and other loved ones approach things you’d prefer not to share. If you catch yourself repeatedly falling into this pattern, you might worry you’ll never build the intimacy you desire. Attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance can affect the quality of your relationship and how you feel about it, but don’t despair. It’s possible to change. With some dedicated effort, you can learn to let people in.

Signs Something may have changed in your relationship. Maybe you notice: increased physical and emotional distance

terse communication

less interest in the other person’s needs, problems, or plans

unusually rude or unkind words

unwillingness to share feelings and problems

a sense that one of you is not prioritizing the other

showing a lack of respect

one person taking their anger or frustration out on the other There are many reasons why this can happen.

Why it happens Generally speaking, people don’t end up avoiding intimacy because they truly dislike others or want to be left entirely alone. So, why does this happen? And do those reasons matter? Often, yes. If you don’t know why you push people away, you might find it more difficult to change that behavior. Identifying possible reasons can be an important first step toward regaining intimacy in your relationships. People often push others away for the following reasons. Fear of intimacy Pushing people away is one way of avoiding intimacy. In fact, this avoidance can act as a defense mechanism for people afraid of getting hurt in relationships. This could be because a past relationship ended badly, perhaps with rejection or even bereavement. Even if you think you’ve healed from a past relationship that ended badly, worries about further rejection or loss might linger in your subconscious. If you’ve lost someone through bereavement, you might find that numbing your feelings makes them easier to cope with. As you begin developing a relationship with a new partner, the instinct to protect yourself begins to take over. You don’t want to experience loss or rejection again, after all. Maybe you don’t actually think, “If I push them away before they get too close, they can’t hurt me,” or purposely attempt to drive them away. Actions like starting arguments and avoiding emotional intimacy sometimes happen more unconsciously — but the end result is usually the same. The thought of a close intimate relationship makes you uncomfortable, so you do what you can to avoid intimacy as a means of self-preservation. Attachment issues Attachment style can also play a part in intimacy avoidance. Experts have described three attachment styles: secure

anxious

avoidant Very often, your early years will play a role in determining your style. If your parent or primary caregiver didn’t reliably meet your needs for intimacy and other emotional support in childhood, you may grow up with a disorganized or avoidant attachment style. As an adult, you want to develop close relationships with friends and romantic partners but simultaneously fear they’ll let you down, just as your caregiver did. You might tend to develop low involvement or casual relationships that you can back out of when things get too intense. Or you could also alternate between the urge to pull partners close or cling to them and the need to push them back. It’s worth noting that excessive clinginess can drive partners away, too, especially when relationship behaviors shift abruptly between a strong need for closeness and a sharp rejection of it. Learn more about different attachment styles. Low self-esteem or self-confidence People who lack confidence or have a hard time with self-esteem may also end up pushing people away. They may have developed an avoidant attachment style because of low self-esteem. In turn, a lack of self-confidence and avoidance can affect the outcome of future relationships, leading to more avoidance and low self-esteem. Maybe you can’t be sure someone really cares for you, or that you can really care for them. Maybe you doubt you have the skills to sustain a long-term relationship or friendship. You might believe: You’ll make a mistake or let them down.

They don’t actually like you.

They’ll eventually leave you for someone else.

You’ll hold them back because you aren’t good enough.

You don’t deserve a healthy relationship with a loving partner. If you live with anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition or physical illness, you might also have some concerns about your ability to support their needs and stay present in the relationship (even though that’s probably far from true). Trouble trusting others Trust is essential to a healthy relationship, but not everyone finds it easy to trust. When trust is not present, it can lead to avoidance, anxiety, jealousy, and even abuse in some cases. Trust issues are pretty common among those who’ve experienced the pain of betrayal before. If a past partner cheated or lied to you, it’s understandable you might have a hard time recovering from that betrayal. Broken trust is hard to repair, and its effects can linger, following you from one relationship to the next. What if you achieve the closeness you want, only to learn they’ve deceived you, too? Trust doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s absolutely normal to need some time before you feel able to trust someone. Still, a persistent lack of trust in someone who has never given you cause for doubt can eventually cause some bumps in the road. Maybe you constantly question them or check up on them, or you simply struggle to open up emotionally — neither of which are helpful for building a healthy relationship. You could also, of course, have some difficulty trusting yourself. This often ties back to self-confidence. If you made mistakes in the past, you might worry about messing up again and hurting your current partner. Guilt and self-doubt might leave you pushing them away to protect you both.

How to start letting people in While recognizing your tendency to push people away marks a key first step toward change, it’s just that — a step. Learning to let people in will take time and practice, but these strategies can help. Take it slow When you truly desire a close, intimate relationship, you might want to rush to get there quickly. Yet real intimacy takes time, especially when your relationship history involves heartbreak or betrayal. Forcing yourself to dive in before you’re really ready can leave you flailing to regain your ground when your fears and doubts come rushing back. Pushing your partner away might make you feel safer, but it probably won’t inspire the development of trust. Instead, try the cautious approach: Work on developing your bond with your partner slowly but steadily.

Enjoy the time you spend together instead of fixating on hopes or fears about the future.

Note the things you like about them to remind yourself why you value the relationship.

Look for specific behaviors that help reinforce their trustworthiness and reliability. Talk about it Healthy relationships require good communication. Along with talking about day-to-day life and your general feelings about the relationship, you’ll also want to share your thoughts on any issues that come up. Talking with your partner about a habit of avoiding intimacy might feel a little scary, but it can make a big difference for your progress. Explaining why you find intimacy challenging can help your partner understand why you hesitate to open up, so you might consider sharing a few details about your past experiences. For example, you might say: “I thought my ex was the one I’d spend my life with, but they cheated. Worrying about another betrayal sometimes gives me the urge to wreck relationships before I get hurt again. I’m working on talking about my fears and fighting the urge to push people away when I begin feeling scared.” If something in particular makes you feel uncomfortable, let them know: “Growing closer makes me really happy, but I’m not ready to talk about future plans just yet.” Aim for balance If you’re trying to reign in the impulse to push people away, you could end up overcompensating by opening up too much or clinging instead of respecting your partner’s boundaries. Striving for balance can increase your chances of relationship success. Balance might mean: sharing past experiences naturally instead of immediately divulging your full life story

expressing interest in their life without prying or demanding to know every detail

sharing your emotions with your partner while also making sure to ask about their feelings Your goal is interdependence. That means you establish a bond and work to support each other without depending on each other entirely. You share a life, but you still remain your own person. Balance can also mean working to become comfortable with normal conflict. If you fear rejection, you might run on high alert for any little sign that your partner’s just not feeling the relationship. But disagreements happen from time to time, even in close relationships. Feeling frustrated with a loved one doesn’t mean you want them out of your life, as you probably know from your own experience. Avoiding conflict by pushing your partner away won’t strengthen your relationship — but learning to navigate conflict in more productive ways might. Practice self-compassion Overcoming long-standing patterns of behavior often proves challenging, so remember to treat yourself kindly. It may not seem like much, but the fact that you noticed the problem suggests you have the self-awareness needed to establish lasting change. Your reasons for pushing people away might have an impact on how quickly change happens. Still, as long as you’re willing to work at it, chances are good that your efforts will pay off. Talk with a therapist Having trouble identifying your reasons for avoiding intimacy? Not sure how to break the habit of pushing loved ones back when what you really want is deeper intimacy? The support of a mental health professional can have a lot of benefit. You might notice some progress navigating these issues yourself, certainly. When you’re trying to navigate underlying factors like relationship anxiety, attachment issues, or mental health symptoms, however, you may find it hard to address these alone. Therapists have plenty of training and experience in helping people address avoidance and other intimacy issues. There’s no shame in needing a little extra support with exploring potential causes or developing intimacy skills.

If you’re being pushed away When you get the impression a friend or partner is trying to create some distance, try a direct conversation to get some insight on what’s happening. They may not realize exactly how their actions affect you, for one. They could also be coping with something completely unrelated to your relationship. Remember, people deal with challenges differently. A response that doesn’t make sense to you might feel perfectly natural to them. Conversation starters to consider include: “I’ve noticed we aren’t connecting on an emotional level lately, and I’m wondering if there’s anything on your mind.”

“We seem to have a lot of disagreements lately. How can we work together on better communication?” Once you express your feelings, give them a chance to explain and hear them out. Ask how you can support them Maybe they need a little more communication, or a little more physical reassurance (like a kiss, embrace, or casual touch) to feel more secure with you. They might find it helpful if you point out when they start shutting down — but not always. That’s why it’s always wise to ask what they need, since the wrong assumption might further complicate things. Avoid over-reassurance If your loved one pushes you away because they fear rejection, the solution might seem clear: Simply reassure them of your love on a regular basis. It’s normal to talk about your feelings over the course of your relationship, but providing constant reassurance of your affection may backfire. It can leave them needing this reassurance more and more. A couples counselor can offer more guidance on navigating this effectively. Cultivate patience When you feel your loved one pushing you away, fear of losing the relationship might lead you to try making up the distance yourself. Yet clinging to them or pressuring them to open up will probably make them want to shut down further. Instead, let them know you’re there for them and ready to go at a pace they feel comfortable with. Then, show them you mean it by offering the space they need to feel more comfortable with intimacy.

Some people consistently push away the people they love — here’s why

Some people can’t help but push their partners away because of a fear of intimacy.

Sometimes this is because they had a tough upbringing, and find it difficult to connect with people.

Others may have been through trauma later on, such as an abusive relationship.

The best way to become comfortable with intimacy is to work out your vulnerabilities and learn to use them as a power.

We’ve all been there — you start dating someone and they act a bit too keen. They’re messaging you at all hours, and cannot wait to meet up again.

It can be a bit off-putting if someone is clearly over-stepping your boundaries, so it’s understandable if you want to cut things off with them. After all, it could be a warning sign.

However, some people push others away more often than seems obviously justified. Sometimes it can feel like somebody loses interest even though things were going perfectly.

If you feel someone pulling away once your relationship has started to get a little more serious, it could be because they have a fear of intimacy.

Anxiety can sabotage a relationship.

According to psychologist Hal Shoreyin in a blog post on Psychology Today, about 17% of adults in Western cultures fear intimacy and avoid closeness in relationships.

Perpetua Neo, a psychotherapist and coach, told Business Insider that when people have anxiety in a relationship, it’s about how they are going to perform in that relationship, and this extra layer of tension stops them from really being present.

“You’re out on a date with your partner and you’re supposed to be having a good time, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing them, but in your head you’re thinking, maybe I’m doing this wrong, and checking yourself all the time,” she said. “This anxiety is going to stop you from actually being intimate, because you’ve got all these standards you’re raising for yourself, and that’s going to sabotage it.”

In one way, this can be explained by perfectionism, of which there are two main types: productive and unproductive. The productive group get things done to a high level every time, whereas the unproductive types put things off and procrastinate. Perfectionist anxiety can sometimes be the root of intimacy fears, Neo said.

However, at a deeper level, this fear is usually a result of what Neo calls our “stories.”

“We are run by stories, and we don’t know what kinds of assumptions rule us until we pause and reflect,” she said.

“In therapy we call these stories ‘core beliefs’ … but I say we are run by stories. It could be upbringing, it could be a difficult experience, or attachment, that can lead to stories about us, such as ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I’m not worthy,’ ‘I’m unlovable.'”

When you are run by these stories, Neo said, it is very hard to be intimate, because intimacy requires vulnerability. If you always fear being unlovable or unworthy, you are always on your best behaviour, which translates to great standards, perfectionism, and anxiety. This means you cannot be vulnerable, and you cannot show who you really are.

It starts with the relationships we have with our caregivers.

So where do these stories begin?

Neo said that a lot of research on attachment has involved children, as it is a pattern that develops as an infant that we are wired to have in order to survive.

The term “attachment theory” was first coined by British Psychologist John Bowlby in the 60s. His work established the idea that how a child develops depends heavily on their ability to form a strong relationship with at least one caregiver — usually a parent.

Neo said that as a species, humans are very slow to develop. Compared to something like a gazelle, which is walking within a few minutes, it takes us over a year to get to that stage. We can barely do anything on our own as an infant, which is why we have evolved attachment behaviours in order to survive.

This attachment to the person who cared for us influences our attachment behaviours once we have grown up. Neo said these behaviours can either be secure or insecure, depending on how your relationship was with your caregiver.

“A person in a secure attachment pattern or relationship will tend to feel ok if their partner is not in the room with them, or if their partner goes away for extended periods of time,” she said. “They are able to speak about what makes them unhappy, and stick to their boundaries, and their partner understands what they want. So if you have a secure pattern of attachment, it’s easy for relationships because you can be intimate.”

However, if you had a tough upbringing during these early attachment stages, you’re more likely to develop an insecure pattern of relationships.

For example, if a parent is dismissive or angry when their child is upset, this leads to them to believe their feelings are negative and will be punished. The child eventually learns that the easiest way to deal with emotions is to not feel them — so they are effectively acting to regulate their parent’s feelings, rather than the other way around.

If the parent is neglectful, a lot of the child’s effort growing up may be poured into trying to gain their affection and approval. Those who have strong bonds with their parents are more likely to be adventurous, because they know they have a back-up of support waiting for them. Those who don’t are less willing to try new things, and perhaps throw themselves into relationships.

“This can mean a fear of being intimate, or to mesh with another person on a deeper level,” Neo said. “It can be easy to talk to a person, but it’s not easy to tell them the truth. It can be easy to sleep with a person, but it doesn’t mean that person really knows you.”

Other relationships can play a part, too.

Sometimes people have a good, stable childhood and still end up damaged somewhere along the way. This can happen if you become attracted to an abusive person and end up in a relationship with them.

Neo said if you end up in an abusive relationship, your whole world can feel thwarted and destabilised, especially in the aftermath.

“Most women who have been in abusive relationships, they don’t understand life anymore, because everything doesn’t feel real anymore,” she said. “People go about life thinking that good things happen to good people, the future will be bright or at least okay, but when something bad happens — not just abusive relationships, it could be a job loss or a death of a partner — this will shatter our world of assumptions.”

Some people fail to rebuild themselves and their lives after a trauma, and this means their outlook on life shifts to one that is uncertain and scary, where bad things happen.

Whenever they meet someone new, they expect the worst of them, and this begins a vicious cycle of never getting close to anyone. They are always looking out for something to go wrong.

“If I meet someone and act suspicious, I’m not going to interact well with this person,” Neo said. “And what’s going to happen is they’re not going to like me because they’re going to pick up on the fact I’m suspicious and hostile. So it’s a vicious cycle. If we don’t manage to build our sense of coherence and meanings about the world, we will have this fear of intimacy.”

Neo says identifying the red flags of an abusive partner is important, but you shouldn’t actively search for them. Rather than thinking “please don’t end up being a narcissist,” you should think “please be wonderful, kind, and funny.”

There are things you can look out for.

Shannon Thomas, a clinical social worker, told Business Insider that there are several methods people use to sabotage intimacy in their relationships.

“One is that we become critical of another person who is trying to bond with us,” she said. “We question their motives of trying to be close. We may tell ourselves that they don’t really care but are pretending. What we think is what we feel and will influence our behaviours.”

Someone can push their partner away by saying they are busy with work or other activities, so they don’t have the time needed to invest in getting close to others. They can also create unnecessary tension by starting arguments or not putting in any effort, meaning the other person will eventually give up the pursuit.

“Survivors of abuse have learned in real life that some people are not safe,” Thomas added. “This can create a fear response when a new relationship starts to feel ‘too close.’ Survivors of abuse will subconsciously keep people at an emotional distance. They set up barriers for the exact purpose of limiting connections so not to be hurt again.”

Save your energy for people that matter.

Abusive people don’t prey on the weak — they like a challenge, so they often go for those who are smart, confident, and strong, largely because it makes them feel superior.

Neo said this is important to remember, because it helps identify where you were vulnerable. If can be painful working out why you were a target, because it can come with a lot of self-blame. However, once you identify it, you can then use it as a superpower.

“People with high levels of empathy are often not aware of boundaries, because we give and give,” Neo said.

“But when you don’t have good boundaries, it leaves you open to abusers. Imagine if you’re in a war zone and you don’t have a fort, then all these bad people are going to come in. The really important thing is to emphasise that if you can keep your energy for the people that matter, the real genuine people, it means you can help yourself and help them. How can I heal from that horrible experience and use it to create something beautiful and better in life?”

Thomas added that it’s really important to choose emotionally healthy people to connect with, because unhealthy people will only reinforce beliefs that getting close to people is damaging.

“Once we have established that someone has the emotional intelligence and maturity to bond, we need to be honest that we struggle with fears of being close,” she said. “[We] will need their help to create a safe environment so we can learn to trust other people again.”

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