Top 20 How To Respond To Personal Attacks The 197 Top Answers

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How To Respond When Someone Verbally Attacks You | Ask Beard Strokings #8

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How To Calmly Respond To A Personal Attack

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Summary of article content: Articles about How to handle a personal attack | Linden Clinical Psychology Psychological therapies such as EMDR and Schema therapy can help you recover. Personal attacks can create painful feelings including shame, particularly in … …
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How to handle a personal attack | Linden Clinical Psychology

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how to respond to personal attacks

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Summary of article content: Articles about How To Depersonalize a Personal Attack – Art of Change Skills for Life Yet when someone attacks you personally, it may feel like your reputation is on the line. Inevitably, that feeling could make you want to defend yourself. But … …
Most searched keywords: Whether you are looking for How To Depersonalize a Personal Attack – Art of Change Skills for Life Yet when someone attacks you personally, it may feel like your reputation is on the line. Inevitably, that feeling could make you want to defend yourself. But … The point is to disrupt the attack long enough for the person to regain some self-control. Persist in this pattern, and the person is likely to be stopped in their tracks long enough to get their ability to think back!
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How To Depersonalize a Personal Attack

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Dan O'Connor - How to Respond to Personal Attacks and Personal Questions at WOrk — Dan O’Connor – How to Respond to Personal Attacks and Personal Questions at WOrk

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Summary of article content: Articles about Wikipedia:No personal attacks – Wikipedia Personal attacks harm the Wikipedia community and the collaborative atmosphere needed to create a good encyclopedia. Derogatory comments about other editors may … …
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Contents

What is considered to be a personal attack

Why personal attacks are harmful

Avoiding personal attacks

Responding to personal attacks

Consequences of personal attacks

How To Calmly Respond To A Personal Attack

Some time ago, I experienced a personal attack. It arrived in the form of a letter written by another psychologist. The psychologist believed I had spoken badly of them and their letter contained accusations and judgements about my character and professionalism. My hand trembled with shock as I read the letter. Why would someone send me such an aggressive letter?

One of the upsides of being a clinical psychologist is that you learn from helping others how to deal with similar situations that may crop up in your own life. I knew from clinical experience, that even though the attack shook me, this letter said more about the letter writers emotional needs than it said about me as a person. I also knew that the letter required a careful and considered response. I wanted my response to be a reflection of my values, rather than a reaction to the attack.

When we feel attacked, we often experience an instinct to attack back to defend ourselves. However, attacking back generally does little more than solidifying the attackers view of us as a person. It can also lead to regret if you behave in a way which is inconsistent with your values.

Another common response is to ignore the attack and refuse to dignify the accusations. At times this is the best course of action, however, it can leadyou to wonder if the attacker may think that your silenceacknowledgesguilt or the truth of the allegation.

These tips can help you calmly respond to a personal attack:

Try not take the attack personally. Try to detach yourself, recognizing the attack as more about the attackers emotional needs and communication skills. The attack is not a reflection on you.

Detach from the need to have everyones positive regard. Accepting that not everyone will like or value you all the time is helpful as it will free you from needing the attacker to think well of you. This helps if you know who you are and can see yourself and your values clearly.

Accept that it is normal to be angry when you are personally attacked. Its what you do with your anger that counts and it will be the anger that will allow you to act and move forward.

Acknowledge any feelings of shame the attack may have created. Feelings of shame can occur even if there is no truth in the attackers claims. Shame can make you want to hide and avoid dealing with the personal attack whether the attackers words are true or not.

Ask yourself why you feel so bad about what the attacker is saying about you if underneath the hurtful communication lies some truths, is it something you can live with or something you would like to change not for their benefit, but for yours. If its not true either let it go or work out a plan to move forward. Either way, by taking the shame head on, you will learn that it does not need to control you.

Check in with Your Values. Personal attacks may cause you to question your values. You may feel shame, pain, anxiety and rejection. Reacting in this space may see you take actions that are not consistent with your values, and end up confirming the perspective of the attacker. Instead, use this experience to solidify your values and recommit yourself, to become that much stronger in what you believe. This will ultimately make it much less likely to be shaken from your values

Review values-guided actions you regularly undertake. Connecting your values to concrete acts that you can point to as evidence for yourself when needed, and for everyone else. Its the difference between saying, Im a helpful person, and actually being helpful by assisting others, helping a neighbour out etc. So when someone attacks you, you can find all the things that you have done and will continue to do and you wont need to fight back because your actions speak for you, and you have nothing to prove.

How did I respond to the personal attack? I showed the letter and discussed my shocked response with trusted colleagues. I reviewed what I knew about my general character and demeanour. I then wrote a short and kindly worded letter in response indicating that I felt there was another explanation possible andoffered to meet and discuss further.

Did I hope the letter writer would retract their accusations or even apologize? Yes. Did it happen? No. To this day I don’t understand why the person chose to send me the letter. I am at peace with that though because I know I responded in a way which was consistent with my values.

The personal attack made me stronger and to my surprise, I am now grateful that it happened. Something I could never imagine the day the letter showed up on my desk.

If you liked these tips, please join my mailing list to receive the latest from me by visiting my website unshakeablecalm.com

How to handle a personal attack

Recently, I experienced a personal attack. It arrived in the form of a letter written by another professional and was filled with accusations, comments and judgements about my character and values. The author also made other negative comments about me which were unrelated to their actual complaint.

Instantly I recalled a book I had read as an 8 year old, called the Mystery of the Spiteful Letters, and it seemed my memory was somehow linking the shock I felt at receiving this letter out of the blue with the shock the letter receivers in the book had also felt. I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it, why would someone send me such an aggressive letter? To give my letter writer credit, unlike in the Mystery of the Spiteful Letters, they did sign their name to the letter. If you have experienced a personal attack/s in the past or more recently, you may feel traumatised by this experience. Psychological therapies such as EMDR and Schema therapy can help you recover. Personal attacks can create painful feelings including shame, particularly in those with schemas such as the defectiveness/shame schema, mistrust/abuse schema and those with a punitive inner critic.

One of the upsides of being a clinical psychologist, is that you have often helped others to deal with similar situations that may crop up in your own life, and you have studied human behaviour and motivation extensively. As such I knew that this letter said more about the letter writer’s coping mode in response to their vulnerabilities and emotional needs than it said about me as a person. I also knew that I had to be careful and considered with how I responded, that I wanted my response to be a reflection of my values, from my Healthy Adult mode, rather than a reaction to their actions.

When we feel attacked, it can trigger old pain held in our vulnerable part and we often experience an instinct to attack back in order to defend ourselves. This is normal and natural. However, attacking back generally does little more than solidify the attacker’s view of us as a person. It can also lead to regret about what was said when you were in attack mode and it may result in you behaving in a way which was inconsistent with your values.

Another common way of responding is to ignore the attack and refuse to dignify the accusations. At times this may be the best course of action however it can lead you to feel like the other person may think that your silence acknowledges guilt or the truth of the allegations.

So how can we effectively respond to personal attacks from a Healthy Adult perspective?

Try not take the attacks personally. Try to detach yourself, recognising the attack as more about the attacker’s emotional needs and communication skills, rather than a reflection on you.

Detach from the need to have everyone’s positive regard. Accepting that not everyone will like or value you all of the time will be helpful as it will free you from needing the attacker to think well of you. This helps if you know who you are and can see yourself and your values clearly.

Accept anger. Accept that it is normal to be angry when you are personally attacked. It’s what you do with your anger that counts and it will be the anger that will allow you to act and move forward.

Acknowledge any feelings of shame the attack may have created. Personal attacks evoke a shame response, and feelings of shame can occur even if there is no truth in the attacker’s claims. Shame can make you feel like hiding and avoiding dealing with the personal attack whether the attacker’s words are true or not. Ask yourself why you feel so bad about what the attacker is saying about you – if underneath the hurtful communication lies some truths, is it something you can live with or something you would like to change – not for their benefit, but for yours. If it’s not true either let it go or work out a plan to move forward. Either way by taking the shame head on, you will learn that it does not need to control you.

Check in with Your Values. Personal attacks may cause you to question your values. You may feel unnerved shame, pain, and rejection. Reacting in this space may see you take actions that are against your values, and end up confirming the perspective of the attacker. Instead, use this experience to solidify your values and recommit yourself, to become that much stronger in what you believe. This will ultimately make it much less likely to be shaken from your values

Remind yourself of values-guided actions you regularly undertake. Connecting your values to concrete acts that you can point to as evidence — for yourself when needed, and for everyone else. It’s the difference between saying, “I’m a helpful person,” and actually being helpful by assisting others, helping a neighbor out etc. So when someone attacks you, you can identify all of the things that you have done — and will continue to do — and you won’t need to fight back, because your acts speak for you, and you have nothing to prove.

So what did I do to deal with my personal attack?

Firstly I showed the letter and discussed my shocked response with a number of trusted colleagues. I did not let this experience shame me by making the whole letter incident a secret, unlike the characters in The Mystery of the Spiteful Letters. I reviewed what I knew to be true about my general character and demeanour.

I felt strongly I did not want to attack back, because I wanted to be able to hold my head up high should I meet this person again. Importantly I wanted to continue to live to my value of respectful and considered communication with others. So I wrote a short and kindly worded letter using my Healthy Adult part, in response indicating that I felt there was another explanation possible and offering to meet and discuss further. Did I kind of hope the letter writer would retract their accusations or even apologise? Maybe a little. Did it happen? No. I can live with that though because I know I dealt with it in a manner which was consistent with my values.

Disclaimer: material provided in this blog is for information purposes only. It is not a substitute for proper diagnosis, treatment or the provision of advice by an appropriate health professional.

How To Depersonalize a Personal Attack

Your reputation is incredibly important. And you can do a few things well to maintain it. Be great at what you do. Focus on service. Be approachable. Work (and play)well with others. Build your network of support, and develop your personal relationships.

Yet when someone attacks you personally, it may feel like your reputation is on the line. Inevitably, that feeling could make you want to defend yourself. But the problem is, too much defending and you actually may look guilty of the personal accusations. There’s got to be a better way of dealing with this, and there is.

Have you ever found yourself on the receiving end of a personal attack? It’ usually happens at the end of a string of events in which the person attacking you feels angry, misunderstood and underappreciated, and associates these feelings to you. You don’t have to respond at all. You could just walk away. But sometimes, deciding to stay can have greater benefits, to you, your reputation, and to the person who is up in arms and aiming at you.

Because rightly or wrongly, once they’ve made the association, they are going to act like it’s true, accusing and insulting you, and then look for proof of their accusation in your response. So the key to dealing with this kind of behavior is to disrupt the attack and neutralize the association.

First, though, you might consider:

1. Who is this person taking shots at you? All opinions are not created equal, and if the person berating you isn’t someone you serve, need or care about very much, or if they are already held in low esteem by the witnesses to their behavior, discretion is the better part of valor, and you might want to walk away.

2. Is there anything useful in the accusation? The only value of feedback in life is if it helps you improve. It may not be constructive, but if you can find a way to make it instructive, hanging in there may be the better choice.

3. Have others come to the same conclusion about you? If you’ve heard it before, even if you hate it and don’t find it true, learning more will help you do more to prevent it from happening again than any other choice you could make. On the other hand, if this is a novel set of accusations, learning more may be a low yield goal, and hardly worth the trouble. Still, depersonalizing it before walking away will be better than leaving it on the minds of witnesses.

4. How much do you care? You can’t please all the people all the time. Turning a personal attack into feedback is a valuable choice when the attack comes from someone with whom you may need to get along in the future, or someone you serve, or work for, or who works for you.

Assuming that responding is worth it to you, there are two elegant responses to personal attacks that have the desirable result of depersonalizing and defusing. You can use either of them, or both of them, to great effect.

The first is to use a question for disrupting the pattern. For the question to be effective, you have to be heard as acknowledging the essence of the insult, while using the question to take their thoughts in an unexpected direction. In this case, that direction is back to the beginning.

Let’s say the person’s facial muscles and diaphragm contract which drives their voice up, and their intense internal emotional state causes an adrenalized rapid speech pattern. And let’s say that the accusation is that … “You’re arrogant, irresponsible and impossible to deal with!” Here’s the question.

“When did you first begin to think of me as arrogant, irresponsible and impossible to deal with?”

It’s essential that you say this directly, with a tone of curiosity. If you’re too passive, or too aggressive, you’re likely to intensify the attack. Instead, underplay their aggression assertively, and ask this open ended question as if you really want to know the answer. Then wait. Repeat the question if necessary.

By asking for the origin of the idea they hold about you, you take them in an unexpected direction. Don’t be surprised to watch them slip into a state of confusion, as they try to figure out how to respond.

Of course, the response may be another attack. “Don’t you dare try to change the subject,” or “I don’t have to answer that!” followed by a repetition of the same string of insults/accusations. Notice that a person on the attack tends to verbally divide the world into us/them or me/you, and that their words reflect this, in the liberal use of “I” and “You”.

But you don’t have to respond in kind. Instead, go into a neutral stance with your response. Remove all the us/them language, depersonalize the personal remarks, and respond as follows:

“Many people understandably find it difficult to deal with people that they think are arrogant and irresponsibile.”

Rather than defending, explaining, justifying or excusing your own behavior, you can talk about the accusation from a dissociated place. The point here isn’t to have a reasoned discussion. When people are emotional, you can’t reason with them.

Instead, the point is to disrupt the attack long enough for the person to regain some self-control. Persist in this pattern, and the person is likely to be stopped in their tracks long enough to get their ability to think back!

Once you’ve depersonalized the comments, you can go deep and find out the source material that they used to create the association. “Tell me more, I’m listening,” is a great place to start.

I’d love to hear your comments and feedback, examples and experiences!

Be well,

Rick

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