How To Ask For A Gift Back? Top Answer Update

American colloquialism

Indian giver is a derogatory term used to describe a person who gives a “gift” and later wants it back or expects an equivalent return for the item.[1] It is based on cultural misunderstandings between the early European colonizers and the indigenous people with whom they traded.[2] Europeans often viewed the exchange of items as a gift, believing that they owed nothing to the native people in return. On the other hand, the indigenous people saw the exchange as a form of trade or equivalent exchange and therefore had different expectations of their guests.[2]

The phrase is used to describe a negative action or shady dealings. It is considered disrespectful and its use is offensive to many people of Indigenous backgrounds.

Etymology[ edit ]

The phrase, according to researcher David Wilton, arose from a cultural misunderstanding that arose when European settlers first encountered Native Americans after they arrived in North America in the 15th century. Europeans thought they received gifts from Native Americans, but Native Americans believed they were involved in what Europeans called bartering. As a result, Native Americans found European behavior ruthless and offensive.[3]

usage [edit]

The phrase was first mentioned in 1765 by Thomas Hutchinson, who characterized an Indian gift as “a gift for which an equivalent consideration is expected”,[4][5] suggesting that the phrase originally referred to a simple exchange of gifts related However, in 1860, in John Russell Bartlett’s Dictionary of Americanisms, Bartlett said that the phrase was used by children in New York to mean “one who gives a gift and then takes it back”.[6]

In 1969, American bubblegum pop band 1910 Fruitgum Company released the album Indian Giver, whose song Indian Giver peaked at #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #1 in Canada.

As late as 1979, the phrase was still being used in mainstream media publications,[7] but in the 1997 book The Color of Words: An Encyclopedic Dictionary of Ethnic Bias in the United States, author and editor Philip H. Herbst says that although the phrase often used innocently by children, it can be interpreted as offensive[8] and The Copyeditor’s Handbook (1999) describes it as offensive.[9]

See also[edit]

Gift tax is a tax on the transfer of property from one person to another without receiving anything in return or less value. The tax applies regardless of whether the donor intends the transfer as a gift or not.

Gift tax applies to gifts of any kind. You make a gift when you give away property (including money) or the use or income from property without expecting anything in return of at least equal value. If you are selling something for less than its full value, or if you are providing an interest-free or reduced-interest loan, you may be making a gift.

See Form 709 and its instructions for more information.

The Rules is a Moneyish series where we define the rules around sticky money or workplace issues such as:

Mothers-in-law often give gifts to change their not-so-good daughters-in-law. Not mine. She’s trying so hard to please my taste that it’s actually very cute.

I am the proud owner of two cats, so her gifts are often (always) cat-themed. Cat clothes, cat-print cashmere socks, meow t-shirts. Cats with a little jazz and sparkle. However, that took it to new heights with her latest gift: a $695 Anya Hindmarch “Kitsch Cat” mesh tote bag, which is teal with a giant cat print on the front.

She strolled to my recent baby shower wearing the giant Bergdorf Goodman box it was locked in, complete with a big red bow. She is fabulous. And generous. That’s why it’s difficult; What was meant to be a designer diaper bag just wasn’t my style. Before I even opened it, my husband laughed, “So when are you returning it?”

Two days later I was in the Fifth Avenue dealer’s customer service department hoping they would take it back without the receipt which I had lost. They asked for basic information, asked for photo ID, and I left with a $695 plus tax gift card. Then the guilt set in. She picked this expensive gift just for me, and here I brought it right back.

Then again, who hasn’t perfected their “I love it!”? Face? Returns are so common that UPS has even informally declared a National Returns Day – a date in January after the December holiday, when shoppers return around 1.3 million packages. One study reports that 48% of women return gifts they receive.

Which is fine if you handle it properly.

Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette expert Emily Post and co-president of the Emily Post Institute, explained to Moneyish how to deal with an awkward return.

“Giving back a gift doesn’t destroy the spirit of the gift,” says Lizzie. “If the gift came with a receipt, she probably knew you were going to return it. If not, just say thank you and, in a nice tone, say, “It’s not quite my color,” or some other polite explanation, and ask, “Would you mind if I traded it for something that suits me better?” ?” She’ll probably win.” I don’t mind.”

Me? I was too scared to tell her. And I was almost outed when the saleswoman at Bergdorf asked if she should “warn” her about the return by email. Uh, no thanks! But now I guess I have to tell her something.

Etiquette expert Diane Gottsman told Moneyish that honesty is the best policy here.

For example, if someone gave you a two-piece swimsuit that you would never wear, you might say, “Say, ‘I’m excited for our family vacation to the beach, but I’m really not a bikini girl. Would you mind if I traded it for something else to use or carry on our trip?’” she suggested.

But if you know that expressing displeasure about the gift will cause more drama than it’s worth, keep it and don’t say anything and use it when your mother-in-law visits you. “It really depends on the relationship you have with her and her daily closeness to you,” Gottsman said.

Just don’t give or give it away if there’s a chance the giver will find out. Instead, you can always gently nudge her in the right direction for future gifts.

“You can either give subtle hints or tell her directly what’s on your wish list,” Gottsman said.

If you decide to take it back, read the retailer’s return rules. By law, stores post their refund policies at checkouts, at checkouts, or on the items themselves. And while the return or exchange window is typically 30 days, experts say it’s important to return things as soon as possible, as retailers often face fraudulent returns are.

ALSO READ: 5 Stores That Make Refunds Easy

According to a 2015 Consumer Returns Report, total merchandise returns account for more than $260.5 billion in lost sales for US retailers annually. “If Merchandise Returns were a company, it would be number three on the Fortune 500 list,” the report said. Returning gifts, in particular, is the 5th reason goods are returned, totaling approximately $64.1 million per year.

You can return an item for cash or store credit with a receipt at any time within the exchange window, but consider if the value of the gift will increase over time. “If so, it might be worth holding on to,” said Douglas Boneparth, financial advisor and founder of Bone Fide Wealth. Take a Hermes Birkin Bag, for example, which costs around $20,000 on the lower end. If you keep it, it’ll be worth a lot more years later if it’s still in perfect condition. (Which it will be if you hate it and never use it.)

But think again if the giver’s emotional fallout is worth the fluke of selling an unwanted gift. “An angry family member may not be something worth returning or redeeming for an expensive gift,” Boneparth said. “Before you take cash, think about whether it’s appropriate and whether or not you’re ruining the spirit of the gift.”

There’s no doubt about it – breakups are excruciating. Whether you were blind, saw it coming, or were the one to end it, the situation is not easy for everyone involved. Throw in a society that relies on technology and social media and it’s almost impossible to move on and heal.

That’s why there’s really only one effective solution to a breakup: the power of silence. Think about what usually happens after you break up with someone. You could post about it on Facebook, drink too much and send an emotional message, or check your ex’s Instagram followers to see if there’s anyone to worry about. It is exhausting! (Not to mention unhealthy and emotionally draining.)

Rather than agonize over a breakup, the most important thing you can do is remain silent — and we’re talking radio silence! You’ve probably heard the term ghosting, which refers to someone abruptly cutting off all contact with someone they’re dating. This is the mindset you need to channel! Think of it as “ex-ghosting”. Instead of cutting off communication with someone you’re dating, you cut it off with someone you broke up with. This is the only way you can help yourself in the long term.

If you decide to get back together with an ex, Relish’s relationship coaching app can help make it work. Download the app to get personalized lessons, insights and relationship advice from real experts. Your first week is free!

Why the power of silence is so important

Taking a step back after a breakup is a great way to really reflect on what happened and what went wrong. Instead of continuing to talk to your ex — which will cause even more heartbreak — you give yourself time to get your head back on track. This way, if you decide to resume communication, you will have a cool head and a better understanding of the situation.

Silence can also help you feel empowered. You take responsibility and show your ex that you are able and willing to live life without him. Whether you’re the one who got hurt or the one who ended it, cutting off communication after a breakup puts you in control. It sends a clear message that you will not let the breakup take hold of your life and gives you a chance to find perspective and heal.

Finally, whether you want to get back with your ex or not, the power of silence is guaranteed to make her miss you! As counterintuitive as it may sound, if you want to get back together, you have to pretend you won’t. If you don’t text, plead, or beg to see them again, they’ll wonder what you’re doing and if you moved on. Once they start missing you more than they can take, they will be the ones to reach out.

bottom line? Staying silent after a breakup, as hard as it may be, is the only way to self-reflect and recover from heartbreak. On the other hand, if you’re the one who ended the relationship, it’s only fair of you to cut off all contact with the person you hurt. If you really don’t want to be with them, continued contact will only delay the grief and cause unnecessary pain.

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Tips for harnessing the power of silence

If you’re going through a breakup and are dying to embrace the power of silence, here are some tips to help you get through it:

1. Delete them from your phone

It’s so tempting to text or call an ex after a breakup, so it’s best to delete it from your phone. Sure, you may have memorized their number, but it makes contacting them that much harder! (Especially if you drink.) Making a conscious effort to enter her phone number should give you enough time to realize you’re making a mistake.

2. Block them on social media

Easier said than done, but part of being completely non-contact involves removing them from your social media. Don’t just unfriend them – block them. The worst thing you can do after a breakup is follow their posts, friends, or activity online. All it does is add to your grief and potentially expose you to things you don’t want to see (like a new partner). Getting rid of every trace of your ex online will help you not stoke the emotional fire.

3. Write down your feelings (instead of texting them)

You’re going to have a lot of mixed feelings after a breakup, but sending them all to your ex will only cause more problems. Journaling is a great way to process your feelings! When you bottle them up, it’s hard not to let them out one way or another, so try to put pen to paper instead of further complicating things with your ex.

4. Avoid places where they hang out

It’s a game straight out of the Heartbreak Handbook – “accidentally” bumping into your ex in public. We all know it wasn’t an accident (and neither did your ex). Since you used to be a couple, you are both very familiar with where you meet. As tempting as it may be to “blow into her” when you’re feeling lonely, all that leads to is an awkward encounter for you and everyone around you.

5. Resist the urge to reach out to your friends

Let’s face it – the real reason you reach out to your ex’s friends is so they find out you did! There’s absolutely no need to contact your ex’s friends for any reason (unless they’re each other, which can be tricky). Your ex’s friends will not give you any information, and if anything, they might take your contact as an act of desperation.

6. Be honest with yourself

Use the power of stillness to truly focus inward and see the truth of the situation. If you were the one who got hurt, do you really want to beg for someone who doesn’t want you in their life? What’s in it for you to come forward aside from personal agony? If you were the person who broke it off, what is your motivation for keeping the communication open? Isn’t it just fair to give them time to move on?

By accepting the seriousness of the situation, you can begin healing. A one-sided romantic relationship rarely works, and you don’t want to force someone to be with you after they’ve ended the relationship. By harnessing the power of stillness, you create the distance you need to clear your mind, focus on yourself, and realize that you are worthy of so much better.

There’s no easy way to deal with a breakup, but staying silent does speak volumes to your ex. After all, actions speak louder than words! By staying silent, you are telling your ex that you are strong, resilient, and independent. You rely on yourself – and no one else – for your own happiness.

Find happiness in your relationship with the help of Relish’s relationship coaching app! Get expert advice on communication, conflict, intimacy and more. Take our relationship quiz to unlock all of this and more! Get 7 days of free full access!

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When things end between you and an ex, it can feel like your world is crumbling around you.

It’s especially hard when the two of you were so close together. There are so many mixed feelings and you just don’t know what to do or how to move on.

It can be difficult to know where to start and even more difficult to know where to stop.

When you’re still so connected, it’s the small decisions that can feel like big ones. You don’t want to put your ex out, but you’re also not sure how to make it right again.

And while you may not realize it, there are some subtle signs that your ex is still keeping you on the back burner. Read on to learn more about what it is and how to tell if your ex is keeping you as an option.

1) They contact you more often than you contact them

When it comes to ex-boyfriends you keep as an option, this is the number one sign.

But why is it a problem?

It’s simply because you’re the person looking for closure and a reason to keep going.

Unless you both still have a lot of unresolved issues, it would make more sense for you to check in more often than they do.

But if you find your ex calling more often than you do, then it’s safe to say things are still a bit unresolved.

It’s also worth noting that there are very few people who keep their word when things end.

Even if your ex was the one who wanted to work things out, he probably won’t be the one to keep his promise.

Even if your ex is the one who ended things, he will probably still want you to reach out more. And when they’re not, that’s a sign they want you to reach out more than anything, which isn’t a good thing either.

2) They find excuses why they can’t hang out anymore.

So you’ve been hanging out with your ex more than once, but suddenly they start making excuses.

“Sorry, I can’t go out tonight. I take care of my sister’s children.”

Or maybe they’ll say something like, “I’d like to see you, now that you mentioned it! But on Tuesday my boss lets me work from home a bit.”

They may even find an excuse to cancel plans or take a break right after meeting you.

While that’s not as big of a deal as the first hint, it’s still a sign that they want you as an option.

If your ex were genuinely interested in moving things forward, they would make time for you…and they wouldn’t have to make excuses for why they couldn’t.

3) You keep your relationship a secret

If you’re still hanging out with your ex, then you probably don’t want things to remain secret forever.

But if your ex is keeping the relationship a secret from at least one other person, there’s a good chance she’d want it to remain an option.

But wait – there’s more:

If they told everyone that you both work things out, they wouldn’t be able to keep you on the back burner that way.

If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try this “Jealousy” text

— “I think it was a great idea that we decided to go out with other people. I just want to be friends now!” —

Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.

By giving your ex this text, you are communicating to your ex that you are actually wanted by others. We are all attracted to people that others are looking for.

By saying you’re dating again, you’re pretty much saying “It’s your loss!”

After sending that text message, they’re attracted to you again because of “fear of loss.”

I learned from Brad Browning, hands down my favorite online “get your ex back” coach.

Here is a link to his free online video. In this video, he shares a number of useful tips you can use right now to get your ex back.

4) They use you as a “willing support” for their other things

If you want to know if your ex is using you as a backup or not, then look at how hard he tries to include you in his interests.

For example, if you have a lot in common with your ex, it would make sense for him to include you in his interests.

But if all of her friends are the same type of people, then why would they bother hanging out with you?

That’s because they’re trying to use you as a backup.

Even if they want to include you in their life, they still don’t want to include you too much.

If your ex is trying to get you into sports or shows he enjoys, it probably means he’s not at all interested in being friends with you.

If your ex is trying to get you to go on vacation with them, then it probably means your ex is trying to use you as a surrogate.

They don’t really want to be with you, they just want someone else there to show off by taking pictures.

That doesn’t mean that if you go on vacation with your ex, you’ll get back together.

It just means that your ex is still interested in getting closer to you.

They may be trying to figure out how to get back into your life, and this is one possibility.

5) They don’t tell you when they’re dating someone else

If your ex really wants to be friends, then they want the best for you and they want you to know if they are dating someone else.

They want you to know that you are open and available in case something happens between them and the new person.

Obviously, if you wanted to be friends with a person who is dating someone else, then that’s not the issue here.

The simple truth is:

This is where that clue gets a bit tricky, because it’s easy to think that if your ex doesn’t tell you he’s dating someone else, he still genuinely wants to be friends.

But really, they don’t want to risk that you’re not an option if things don’t work out with the new person.

One way to test this cue is to text your ex on the night of a breakup saying things like, “Hey, I just wanted to say I hope you’re dating someone who’s something.” is special to you. You deserve that!”

This text will evoke a reaction from your ex.

If they don’t respond and seem upset, then they’re not really interested in being an open option.

6) You take no real steps to move on

You can always tell how badly your ex wants to get back together by seeing how much they invest.

After an unsuccessful breakup, your ex will often give you all the reasons why you both should get back together and give you a list of things he will change.

But then, when it’s time for them to actually start making those changes, they don’t do any of it.

If your ex really wanted to get back together, they would take real steps to make that happen.

These steps can include counseling sessions, working on your relationship with someone else, or just getting on dating apps and giving things a real chance.

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But overall, the only way to find out if your ex still wants you is by listening to what they say and how they act.

I mentioned relationship expert Brad Browning earlier.

He specializes in helping people reconnect with their exes and supporting them in building healthier, happier relationships.

He has helped thousands of couples get back together. So if you want a chance to do the same, start today by clicking here to watch his incredible free video.

7) Your ex thinks things are wrong

If all the signs point to your ex not being interested in you, then all the signs point to fake.

When your ex thinks things wrong, they try to keep up appearances.

They try to give the impression that you are still an option for them and that there is nothing wrong between the two of you.

This tactic is commonly used when people want to get back together with someone else. . . and then try to sabotage those attempts to keep their ex around.

For example, your ex will keep telling you that he loves you and wants to be with you.

But as soon as you two move back together, or if they start dating someone else, they’ll pull the “I don’t love you anymore” card and try to move on.

This is a common tactic used by people who want to keep their options open when they aren’t really interested in their current relationship.

8) They don’t reply or text you back for days

You can tell a lot about your ex just by looking at their phone messages or texts — if they even bother to reply to your messages.

If your ex doesn’t even bother to text you or call you back, that’s a very good sign that he’s using you as a backburner option.

If they really wanted to be friends with you, they would try to keep things as open as possible so they have that option available.

But if your ex doesn’t even bother texting you back, then that’s a dead sign that the only thing he’s trying to “save” is his own pride.

As an open option, if your ex doesn’t reply to you for a few days, take it as a clue and do something fun with friends. Don’t text them and try to make plans to meet up.

Think about it like this:

Instead of trying to make it seem like you’re an option for them, they just keep their distance and try to avoid you altogether.

If your ex refuses to answer you for days, it means you should do something else to let him know how you are.

9) They rely on you for benefits, not love

If an ex is silent on you, even going so far as to avoid you completely, then you need to take that as a warning sign that he’s moved on with someone else.

The best way for your ex to move on with someone new is to find someone who makes them feel confident, safe, and secure.

If your ex hasn’t found that person, he’s still using you as an evasive maneuver. . . and no further.

In fact, they might even try to use you to make themselves feel better.

For example, if your ex knows someone else wants them and thinks they can’t get that person, then they may go to things you like or do things for you to make them feel good.

They want you to feel rejected by them so they will feel less rejected by someone else… but the truth is, you’re the only one feeling rejected.

The way to avoid this feeling of rejection is to find someone who is willing to give you all the things you are looking for.

Even if your ex tries to feel good about using you, they won’t be able to because they know they can’t get you at all.

10) You will only be called for last minute plans

The advantage of being a backup is that it becomes clear when you are needed as a “last minute replacement”.

In other words, if you have to call your ex at the last minute and he’s not really interested in being friends, then he’ll just want to see you in person.

They might even tell you that you don’t understand the “friends” rules and will make it difficult for you.

Or they just hang out with other people without telling you or mentioning how to celebrate another bachelorette party with their friends.

So what’s the point?

It’s not a good sign if you don’t get a call until the last minute. If your ex calls you to hang out, don’t be afraid to tell them you can’t do it.

If they only call you when they can’t find another, then chances are someone else is more willing to date or be with them.

The fact that our ex only called us when she had an emergency made it clear that we weren’t her first choice.

Short-term texts and phone calls can be an indication that you are being used as an emergency backup plan in case their other contacts fall through.

11) They don’t give you any real reasons to hang out

Just because your ex hangs out with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t date other people. And as obvious as that may be, it happens all the time.

So your ex might be calling you to hang out, but if he doesn’t give you any real reasons to hang out with him, then that’s a dead sign that he’s tensing you up while he’s trying to find someone else.

Don’t be fooled by them telling you that you’re good looking, or that they don’t meet anyone, or that they’re going on vacation to do something.

If your ex is trying to drag something with you all the time, then he is still using you as a backup option. They just want to waste your time and tense you up until someone better comes along.

If your ex has no real reason to hang out with you just to hang out with you, then he’s probably not trying to get back together with you.

12) One-way traffic during conversations

Communication in a healthy partnership will always be open and clear.

Who are they to us if we cannot openly express our thoughts, feelings, and emotions to them?

Having a one-sided conversation with your ex is a solid sign that he or she is using you as a surrogate for thought.

Think about what it might mean when your partner or ex loves to talk and hear themselves talk, but has little time to listen to your problems.

Sharing everything with our significant other is the best part of building a relationship.

According to some, not listening is a sign that a partner is being treated as less than equal and, as a result, is expecting more attention than they are willing to give.

The relationship can get in trouble if you engage in a lot of one-way communication in other areas of your life.

Final Thoughts

It can be quite difficult to let go of a relationship.

It’s even harder to know if you’re over or if your ex is over.

But if there are signs of a reignition, then you have to start thinking about what it will be like over the long term.

If you really want your ex back, you need the help of a professional.

I mentioned Brad Browning in this article – he is the best at helping couples overcome their issues and reconnect on a real level.

His proven methods will not only get your ex interested in you, but also help you avoid making the same mistakes you’ve made in the past.

So if you really want to try getting back together with your ex, check out his excellent free video below.

Here is the link again.

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You could say, “Yikes! Well, as I knitted this I envisioned it really fitting – not just going over one arm… Maybe I just started a trend!” or you could follow with “I’m just kidding! Here’s yours true gift…you like scented candles don’t you?”

A healthy dose of laughter can often save anyone from an awkward situation. Let’s say you gave your gift to a friend only to have it rip, break, or be completely useless. You did your best, but your skills just weren’t up to par. Laugh mercifully at it instead of making the recipient tend your wounds. You might even be able to convince her that this is a gag gift after all by following up with a just-in-case gift.

While offering good advice for every gift you receive, the thank you card has additional meaning for the gifts you can’t take. It will remove some (if not all) of the worries the recipient had about your attitude towards the gift (or the recipient). Send it a week or so after you receive the gift. As with receiving, mention the thought behind the gift more than the gift itself. In hindsight, be non-specific about your involvement in the gift, perhaps no more than “I enjoy it.”

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gift it again If you really aim to engage directly with the gift, you can always pass it along. But be careful: don’t get caught. Even if you’ve been open about your feelings from the start, it’s still perceived as cheesy and insincere to pass on a gift that’s already been given. At the very least, make sure that the person you are passing it on to appreciates it greatly. Your only defense in a situation like this is to honestly insist you gave it to someone who might actually enjoy it. Either that or donate to charity.

Saquizeta/Getty Images

Few moments are more awkward than receiving a gift from someone you didn’t buy one for.

What can a recipient do without a gift? Do you act like you absent-mindedly left your gift at home? Just say “Thank you” and accept defeat as gracefully as possible?

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Don’t stress. Even etiquette experts feel uncomfortable when they’re on the receiving end of an unexpected gift, as do social psychologists, including Susan Newman, author of The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it – and Stop People-Pleasing Bis in alle Eternity.

“I’m definitely embarrassed when I’m surprised in this way,” she told HuffPost. “It happened to me once when I was celebrating Christmas with a family who are not related to us. My girlfriend’s mother gave me a gift that I certainly didn’t expect.”

In response, Newman offered some honesty. “I said to the woman, ‘I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts. I feel terrible I have nothing for you but I just love this gift. Thanks,’ and I left it at that.”

Newman believes that’s all you have to do in a situation like this. Don’t apologize and definitely don’t pretend you have a gift at home with your friend’s name on it.

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“Telling you that you forgot the gift is not truthful,” she said. “Plus, you’ll feel just as guilty, angry, or embarrassed as you would about not having a gift for that person. You’re being pushed into what you think is proper social etiquette, but it’s something you don’t have to do.

And as Texas-based etiquette expert Diane Gottsman said, chances are your boyfriend just wanted to treat you to something nice with no expectations.

“People are happy to show their love, support or appreciation by giving gifts, especially during the holidays,” Gottsman said. “Knowing how to accept graciously is a skill we would all benefit from.”

Instead of focusing on that beautifully wrapped but totally unexpected gift, try focusing on showing your gratitude.

“Respond in the same spirit as the gift,” Gottsman said. “Smile, make direct eye contact, show genuine appreciation, and say, ‘You’re so thoughtful. Thanks for thinking of me.’ Decide later if you want to give them a gift in kind, but there’s no obligation.”

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To show your gratitude even more, follow with a “thank you” note.

Still unnerved by the idea of ​​going without a present this holiday season? It’s a good idea to keep a few well-loved gifts in your closet just in case, said Jacqueline Whitmore, an etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School in Palm Beach, Fla.

“I usually buy $10 coffee vouchers in advance. After all, who doesn’t like coffee or tea?” she said. “I also keep a collection of small gifts in my closet for times like these.”

The big lesson here? You can’t go through life without avoiding awkward moments entirely, but you can be a little more prepared. Happy gifting (or just receiving)!

synonyms

Donor noun someone who gives, especially to charity

donor noun someone who gives things like money or goods to an organization, especially one that helps people

supporter noun someone who gives help or money to a plan or organization

source noun a person, place, or thing that provides something you need or want

supplier noun a company, organization, or country that supplies or sells a product or service

Contributor noun someone who gives money, goods, or their time or effort to help accomplish something

payer noun someone who pays money for something

Paymaster noun someone who gives money to make things happen and therefore has a lot of control

Meal card noun informal someone or something you use to get you all the food or money you need instead of doing it for yourself

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The Rules is a Moneyish series where we define the rules around sticky money or workplace issues such as:

Mothers-in-law often give gifts to change their not-so-good daughters-in-law. Not mine. She’s trying so hard to please my taste that it’s actually very cute.

I am the proud owner of two cats, so her gifts are often (always) cat-themed. Cat clothes, cat-print cashmere socks, meow t-shirts. Cats with a little jazz and sparkle. However, that took it to new heights with her latest gift: a $695 Anya Hindmarch “Kitsch Cat” mesh tote bag, which is teal with a giant cat print on the front.

She strolled to my recent baby shower wearing the giant Bergdorf Goodman box it was locked in, complete with a big red bow. She is fabulous. And generous. That’s why it’s difficult; What was meant to be a designer diaper bag just wasn’t my style. Before I even opened it, my husband laughed, “So when are you returning it?”

Two days later I was in the Fifth Avenue dealer’s customer service department hoping they would take it back without the receipt which I had lost. They asked for basic information, asked for photo ID, and I left with a $695 plus tax gift card. Then the guilt set in. She picked this expensive gift just for me, and here I brought it right back.

Then again, who hasn’t perfected their “I love it!”? Face? Returns are so common that UPS has even informally declared a National Returns Day – a date in January after the December holiday, when shoppers return around 1.3 million packages. One study reports that 48% of women return gifts they receive.

Which is fine if you handle it properly.

Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette expert Emily Post and co-president of the Emily Post Institute, explained to Moneyish how to deal with an awkward return.

“Giving back a gift doesn’t destroy the spirit of the gift,” says Lizzie. “If the gift came with a receipt, she probably knew you were going to return it. If not, just say thank you and, in a nice tone, say, “It’s not quite my color,” or some other polite explanation, and ask, “Would you mind if I traded it for something that suits me better?” ?” She’ll probably win.” I don’t mind.”

Me? I was too scared to tell her. And I was almost outed when the saleswoman at Bergdorf asked if she should “warn” her about the return by email. Uh, no thanks! But now I guess I have to tell her something.

Etiquette expert Diane Gottsman told Moneyish that honesty is the best policy here.

For example, if someone gave you a two-piece swimsuit that you would never wear, you might say, “Say, ‘I’m excited for our family vacation to the beach, but I’m really not a bikini girl. Would you mind if I traded it for something else to use or carry on our trip?’” she suggested.

But if you know that expressing displeasure about the gift will cause more drama than it’s worth, keep it and don’t say anything and use it when your mother-in-law visits you. “It really depends on the relationship you have with her and her daily closeness to you,” Gottsman said.

Just don’t give or give it away if there’s a chance the giver will find out. Instead, you can always gently nudge her in the right direction for future gifts.

“You can either give subtle hints or tell her directly what’s on your wish list,” Gottsman said.

If you decide to take it back, read the retailer’s return rules. By law, stores post their refund policies at checkouts, at checkouts, or on the items themselves. And while the return or exchange window is typically 30 days, experts say it’s important to return things as soon as possible, as retailers often face fraudulent returns are.

ALSO READ: 5 Stores That Make Refunds Easy

According to a 2015 Consumer Returns Report, total merchandise returns account for more than $260.5 billion in lost sales for US retailers annually. “If Merchandise Returns were a company, it would be number three on the Fortune 500 list,” the report said. Returning gifts, in particular, is the 5th reason goods are returned, totaling approximately $64.1 million per year.

You can return an item for cash or store credit with a receipt at any time within the exchange window, but consider if the value of the gift will increase over time. “If so, it might be worth holding on to,” said Douglas Boneparth, financial advisor and founder of Bone Fide Wealth. Take a Hermes Birkin Bag, for example, which costs around $20,000 on the lower end. If you keep it, it’ll be worth a lot more years later if it’s still in perfect condition. (Which it will be if you hate it and never use it.)

But think again if the giver’s emotional fallout is worth the fluke of selling an unwanted gift. “An angry family member may not be something worth returning or redeeming for an expensive gift,” Boneparth said. “Before you take cash, think about whether it’s appropriate and whether or not you’re ruining the spirit of the gift.”

Saquizeta/Getty Images

Few moments are more awkward than receiving a gift from someone you didn’t buy one for.

What can a recipient do without a gift? Do you act like you absent-mindedly left your gift at home? Just say “Thank you” and accept defeat as gracefully as possible?

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Don’t stress. Even etiquette experts feel uncomfortable when they’re on the receiving end of an unexpected gift, as do social psychologists, including Susan Newman, author of The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it – and Stop People-Pleasing Bis in alle Eternity.

“I’m definitely embarrassed when I’m surprised in this way,” she told HuffPost. “It happened to me once when I was celebrating Christmas with a family who are not related to us. My girlfriend’s mother gave me a gift that I certainly didn’t expect.”

In response, Newman offered some honesty. “I said to the woman, ‘I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts. I feel terrible I have nothing for you but I just love this gift. Thanks,’ and I left it at that.”

Newman believes that’s all you have to do in a situation like this. Don’t apologize and definitely don’t pretend you have a gift at home with your friend’s name on it.

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“Telling you that you forgot the gift is not truthful,” she said. “Plus, you’ll feel just as guilty, angry, or embarrassed as you would about not having a gift for that person. You’re being pushed into what you think is proper social etiquette, but it’s something you don’t have to do.

And as Texas-based etiquette expert Diane Gottsman said, chances are your boyfriend just wanted to treat you to something nice with no expectations.

“People are happy to show their love, support or appreciation by giving gifts, especially during the holidays,” Gottsman said. “Knowing how to accept graciously is a skill we would all benefit from.”

Instead of focusing on that beautifully wrapped but totally unexpected gift, try focusing on showing your gratitude.

“Respond in the same spirit as the gift,” Gottsman said. “Smile, make direct eye contact, show genuine appreciation, and say, ‘You’re so thoughtful. Thanks for thinking of me.’ Decide later if you want to give them a gift in kind, but there’s no obligation.”

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To show your gratitude even more, follow with a “thank you” note.

Still unnerved by the idea of ​​going without a present this holiday season? It’s a good idea to keep a few well-loved gifts in your closet just in case, said Jacqueline Whitmore, an etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School in Palm Beach, Fla.

“I usually buy $10 coffee vouchers in advance. After all, who doesn’t like coffee or tea?” she said. “I also keep a collection of small gifts in my closet for times like these.”

The big lesson here? You can’t go through life without avoiding awkward moments entirely, but you can be a little more prepared. Happy gifting (or just receiving)!

The story behind the phrase “Don’t be an Indian donor”

“You can’t take it back! Don’t be an Indian giver.”

Sound familiar? It’s the schoolyard taunt used by generations of children (and others) to describe people who are so involuntary that they take gifts back as soon as they get them, or immediately demand a gift in return.

Comedian Louis CK calls the phrase “one of the most offensive things you can call someone”.

Enlarge image Toggle caption Flickr Flickr

“It’s supposed to be that someone gave you something and then changed their mind,” the comedian explained. “We equate that with the Indians because we feel like they gave us America and … then they changed their minds about it and it’s so offensive when you consider the truth.”

But where does the concept of “Indian giving” actually come from? Was there actually a case where a gift was given to a white settler only to take it away?

The answer to that is…not really. What white settlers considered rudeness and a lack of generosity was most likely due to a series of cultural misunderstandings.

The concept of an “Indian gift” or “Indian giver” dates back at least to the 18th century. In his 1765 History of the Province of Massachusetts Bay, “Thomas Hutchinson defined an Indian gift as a gift ‘for which a corresponding return is expected'”.

During their legendary westward voyage in 1804, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark often encountered Native Americans during their travels. The picture the couple paints of the Indians and their culture was not a pretty one. Lewis and Clark frequently suspected Native Americans of either stealing their belongings or plotting to do so. Gifts in particular, as Thomas P. Slaughter points out in his book Exploring Lewis and Clark: Reflections on Men and Wilderness, often caused problems for explorers.

Slaughter writes that in one instance a group of Native Americans offered Lewis and Clark some roots, which the explorers refused because they felt that “the expectation [of the Native Americans] for these gifts with a few roots was three or four times higher is like its real value”. However, the gift’s refusal offended their hosts, prompting Lewis and Clark to describe the Indians in their journals as “forward and insolent and thieving.”

Author David Wilton, in his 2004 book Word Myths: Debunking Linguistic Urban Legends, argues that the concept of a “Native American gift” arose when white settlers misinterpreted the Native American concept of barter:

“For an Indian, gift-giving was an extension of this trading system, and a gift was expected to be returned with something of equal value. Europeans who encountered this practice misunderstood it, considering it rude and impolite. Trade was conducted with money and gifts were freely given without expecting anything in return. Thus, this native practice got a bad rap among the white colonists of North America, and the term eventually became a playground insult.

This definition stuck, and the term “Indian giver” first appeared in linguist John Russell Barlett’s Dictionary of Americanisms in 1848.

In the early 1900s, it was commonplace to see the words “Indian Donor” in a newspaper or magazine. “Indian Giver, Says Ex-Wife, Of Hubby” was a headline in a 1919 Detroit Free-Press article about a husband who demanded that his wife return some gifts during divorce proceedings. The phrase seemed to pop up a lot in coverage of divorces and messy breakups. “Indian Giver Defeated in ‘Dream House’ Suit” was a headline in the Los Angeles Times describing actress Iris Ashton Evens’ 1930 victory over her former lover, mine owner Walter J. Browning.

In 1969, bubblegum pop group 1910 Fruitgum Company saw their undeniably catchy song “Indian Giver” climb the Billboard charts, peaking at No. 5 (Me.«). And perhaps the most memorable reference came from a 1993 episode of Seinfeld, where insulting the term was the focus of the joke.

The term largely faded from widespread usage in the ’80s and ’90s, and many millennials today first heard it during Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ divorce of all places. The phrase made an unfortunate comeback in 2011 when reality TV star Kris Jenner told Good Morning America that she “hates an Indian giver… it’s a gift, you should keep your gift,” while referring to her soon-to-be Ex-son-in-law demands return of $2 million engagement ring he gave Kim Kardashian

Toggle label Wikimedia Commons

While reporting the fallout from Kris Jenner’s comments, blog Native Appropriations wrote:

“…I think we can all agree that it’s probably not the best term to describe a negative act, given that it stereotypes Native Americans as deceitful and not generous (not generous?), what if you ever in was a native church is just about the furthest from the truth. Ever heard of giveaways?

Unfortunately, it is not true that “we all agree” that the expression is inappropriate. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an “Indian giver” as “a person who gives to another and then takes it back or expects something in return”. The term, according to the lexicon in italics, is “sometimes offensive”.

Sigh. Even now, in 2013, the dictionary definition of the phrase only occasionally finds it offensive. While it’s always amazing to discover ingrained racism in a dictionary, the definition from William and Mary Morris’ 1962 Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins is even more stunning.

The entry begins on a progressive note (for 1962) as the writers applaud the recent trend in film to reject “the old concept of the Indian as a ruthless, bloodthirsty warrior.” However, the conclusion of the article is amazing:

“If you are willing to admit that the Indians occasionally used tricks in their dealings with the whites, you will understand why the whites came to use the word Indians as a synonym for ‘wrong’, or to use a favorite children’s adjective , ‘pretend.’ So an Indian donor is just a ‘fake donor’ in a youth’s language.”

emphasis from me. Notice the use of the words “deception,” “false,” and “pretend.” It should also be noted that the dictionary in which this passage appeared sat right on the shelf of my local library – a stark reminder that as language evolves, the reference section doesn’t always catch up. William and Mary Morris probably didn’t realize it at the time, but in that one paragraph they managed to neatly summarize about 200 years of stereotypes about Native Americans.