How To Respond To Someone Making Amends? The 127 Detailed Answer

A 12-step program is designed to promote long-term sobriety by fostering a spirituality for recovery. Each step represents a new challenge to reflect and/or act in a way that changes old ways of thinking and behavior that once fueled the addiction. Through support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, members learn and practice these spiritual steps and principles to stay sober and help others do the same.

Of all 12 steps, step 9 is often cited as the most challenging. To understand why, you need to take a closer look at what Step 9 is, its goals, and its possible outcomes. We’re also including a corrective letter for step 9 for anyone who wants to implement this step but isn’t sure how.

What is step 9 of the 12 step program?

According to AA.org, Step 9 of the program is to “wherever possible, make direct redress to such individuals unless it would harm them or others.” This step can be useful for those struggling with shame, pride, or entitlement , be incredibly difficult.

But as difficult as it is to complete this step, it can give an immense sense of relief and renewed hope for the future. Central to this step is the need for forgiveness and restoration—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and making amends. The ninth step is essential on the road to recovery.

What does step 9 (reparation) have to do with sobriety?

After acknowledging how actions related to their addiction have negatively impacted the people in their lives, those in 12-Step Recovery programs commit to making direct amends whenever possible.

For many living in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, abusing property, or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence. The guilt may have been genuine, but the apology brought no lasting change.

Reparation requires the individual to correct their mistake. This action can demonstrate the person in recovery’s new way of life. It goes beyond just apologizing to take steps to right a wrong. Whenever possible, those in recovery are encouraged to make amends directly, face-to-face with those who have harmed them during their lifetime of addiction.

For example, someone living with an addiction can make amends by apologizing for stealing property and then make amends by giving back what they took.

Along with reinforcing new behaviors and attitudes, making amends can also reduce stress. Many who have lived with addiction have past behaviors that they are not proud of. By proactively correcting past mistakes, those in recovery can prevent future conflicts that could trigger relapse.

Where do you start with step 9 AA?

Before approaching Step 9, you must complete the inventory in Step 8. This is a list of all the people in your life that you feel you have harmed. Writing a list can be challenging, even for those who want to accept forgiveness and inner peace—but the list is important. It represents many of the feelings and struggles you’ve had. By working through the list in Step 9 and making amends with each person named there, you are restoring a piece of yourself with each conversation.

However, a willingness to make amends is also a necessary condition for completing Step 9. Hopefully, that willingness has developed in the process of completing Step 8 (when you have written down the names of everyone you hurt). However, if you are not yet ready to make amends, review the guidance from Step 8: “Unless we have the will” to make amends to those we have harmed, “we ask until it is ready. ” Not everyone is immediately ready to make amends. The way to prepare is to ask and keep asking your Higher Power for a willingness to make amends—and then wait for that willingness to come.

What should be the goal of making amends?

The goal of redress, according to The Big Book, is “freely acknowledging and apologizing for the harm we’ve done.” In some cases, redress may mean that we pay or promise to pay “any obligation, financial or otherwise, that we owe,” says the Big Book.

Let’s say you’re preparing to make amends with a former colleague you once robbed to pay for drugs. In addition to apologizing and asking for forgiveness for the incident in question, you could offer to pay him back in full the money you stole.

The spiritual purpose of indemnity is to find inner peace, freedom, liberation, and rebirth. While this step involves a direct exchange with another person, its goal has everything to do with healing and addiction management on the part of the person making amends.

How do you make amends?

One of the most important words in Step 9 is the word “direct”. In some programs, you are encouraged to forgive others or process guilt and shame you feel toward others without involving the other party. However, to be truly successful in forgiving and letting go of past wrongs, you must reach out directly to the person you have hurt. If you go directly to the person, true spiritual transformation is more likely to take place.

They also face the problem directly. That means you can’t brush it aside or avoid it out of embarrassment. The problem is there, and that person is right in front of you. You cannot (and should not) avoid the pain.

Different types of changes

There are three main types of amends, and it is important to recognize which one is appropriate in a given situation. Understanding some examples of reparation can help individuals correct past behaviors.

Direct redress refers to going directly to the person who has been wronged, apologizing, and taking whatever action is necessary to rectify a situation. If a person has damaged another person’s home while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, direct redress may require going to the property owner, apologizing, and repairing the damage. Those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends whenever possible.

Direct redress isn’t always possible or practical, but that doesn’t mean the person can’t show changed behavior. Indirect reparation may be a better course of action when the injured person is unwilling or able to see the person recover or when they were unaware that they were harmed and discussing the incident could be harmful to them. Volunteering for a good cause or supporting a charity can be a valuable way to make amends.

Living amends is a third option for those in the ninth step of recovery. With this option, the person in recovery takes steps to improve their relationships and demonstrate their lifestyle change. They may visit family and friends more often, make time for their partner, or donate their time to a good cause.

What do you say when you make amends? – The change letter from step 9

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to say when preparing to make amends. It can be so often when we feel like we’ve let someone down that it can be difficult to know where to begin. We wish to express our deepest regrets, but fear that our words will not be enough.

Consider writing a letter to the person you are making amends with, and then share it with them by reading it aloud. Here are some initial guidelines for writing your letter:

Be specific and avoid global guilty pleas. It can be tempting to say things like, “I’m sorry for everything I did to you,” but try to avoid these blanket statements. You miss the opportunity to really think about how your wrongdoing has affected the other person and can be misinterpreted. The other person may hear the same statement as annoyance at them or as minimizing the way you hurt them. Instead, try to relate to specific times when you hurt and/or let down the other person. Being more specific also makes the amends you offer more achievable. You may not be able to make up for “everything” you did to the other person, but you can make up for certain mistakes.

Explain how you personally accept responsibility for the damage you cause. Making amends means apologizing, but it goes one step further—doing everything in your power to repair the damage, restore the relationship, and/or replace what you took. When you write a letter, whether you mail it or give it in person, spend some time thinking about and sharing the actions you are taking to right the wrong(s) committed.

AA Step 9 letter examples

Examples of redemption abound. Here is a sample letter distributed by AA members, from a father to his daughter. Let’s return for a moment to the ex-colleague whom you (above) hypothetically robbed to get money for drugs. If they are willing to meet with you, you may want to write the following letter in advance (which you can deliver to them personally):

Dear Sandra,

I am very sorry that I stole money from your desk last year to fund my drug addiction. I failed you and destroyed our friendship. Remembering how I stole from you saddens me and fills me with shame. Although I did these things in active addiction, that doesn’t change how wrong they were and the pain and sense of betrayal you must have felt as a result of my actions.

To the best of my knowledge, I have calculated the total amount that I have stolen from you so that I can repay you. Here’s $200, and if I’m wrong and owe you more, I’ll pay the rest back.

I can’t go back and change the past, but I can take responsibility for my actions. I am now in recovery and working on a 12 step program. Every day I ask my Higher Power for the power to help me stay sober and live responsibly and honestly. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but if not, I understand.

sincerely,

marcy

When should you reach out to someone to make amends?

When should you resign?

There are many situations in which individuals who take this step meet receptive, willing individuals. These are often the people you feel you have hurt or let down the most. they listen to you; they want to work with you. You are also willing to accept the amends you make and work to rebuild your relationship. In some cases, this rebuilding takes time, but they don’t repel you or tell you “no”.

An important part of Step 9 is not making amends to people who may suffer from the process. Making that determination can be difficult. Of course, some people in recovery just want to apologize — no matter what pain or injury they caused. But there are times when it’s best not to make amends:

When you have physically harmed the person and they are afraid of you

The person has been traumatized by your addiction or your actions

cases of abuse of any kind

Instances where your actions have destroyed your marriage, such as: B. an affair

Any instance of someone telling you they don’t want to see you

To know if you should make amends, ask yourself why you want to contact the person. For example, if you’ve had an affair for three years during an active addiction, visiting your ex to admit it and say you’re sorry won’t help you. it will hurt them. Are you taking the step of clearing your conscience at someone else’s expense? If this is the case, you should avoid approaching this person.

Don’t hold back – it’s too easy to get out of this step

Across the street are these people who just say, “All my amends would hurt people. I’m just not going to talk to anyone.” Avoid the temptation to back off from this step. Instead, acknowledge the value of Step 9 to yourself.

When you make amends, you take a step toward solving a problem so it doesn’t hurt you again later. If you don’t make amends, the problem could appear later and trigger a relapse. Amends help you avoid these situations forever.

How making amends helps both you and them

If you’re undecided on step 9, remember that making amends can help you and the other person. They too can experience healing in exchange.

Making amends changes the way you see and feel about situations. You can get clarity about what happened and what should have happened. You will also get some relief from the guilt you are feeling. Letting go of that guilt can be very healing.

Some of these things can happen to the other person in the process. You can find solution and understanding for the past. They may also discover that they can forgive. Or they can gain better insight into addiction and commit to being a more supportive person in your recovery.

understand results

It would be nice if the above results were universal – but they are (of course) not. Redemption won’t necessarily play out like the ending of a Hallmark movie. Sometimes the result can be uglier and downright disappointing. For example, the other party may not be receptive. They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to you.

Still, you’ve done everything you can to take responsibility for the past – and therein lies a measure of peace and freedom. How the other person responds to our redemption is beyond our control. At least you did your best and now you can move on. Completing Step 9 is the next step in recovery, regardless of how the other person reacts.

It is not possible to forget what happened. But by facing reality and the long-term effects of your actions, and making amends for those who have hurt you, you can make peace with the past and put it behind you and move forward.

A very effective way to make amends is to go to treatment. Learn more about Step 9 and how to deal with the worst experiences at FHE Health. For many, this is one of the most important components of recovery because it allows them to work to rebuild their relationships and let go of those they can’t fix. Our team will work closely with you throughout this process to help you achieve your recovery goals.

Our 12-step series:

How to respond to a manipulative apology

Manipulation is when someone exercises their power over another person. Manipulators tend to attack another person’s emotional and mental sides to get what they want.

What they do is create a power imbalance by exploiting the victim’s weaknesses for their own benefit. This can happen in romantic relationships, friendships or family relationships.

They can also appear in casual relationships, but they are most common in close relationships.

Signs and tricks of a manipulator

Intentional or not, there are signs as to whether someone is a manipulator or not. They will use certain tricks and behaviors to get what they want from other people.

Below are some of these behaviors that are commonly associated with those who manipulate others.

fault

Compare

lying

Deny

Whine

These are common tricks used by manipulators to make others feel insecure and irrational. They do this by using the above tactics to trick their “victims” into feeling influenced or to convince them to act in a certain way.

Manipulators have a few other tactics to watch out for. The main thing to remember is that their actions will always be an attempt to undermine your rational thinking. Some of these other tactics are:

Know Your Weaknesses: The manipulator will know your weaknesses and how to exploit them to get what he wants.

The manipulator will know your weaknesses and how to exploit them to get what he wants. Insecurities: They will also know all about your insecurities and use them against you. Sometimes they do this discreetly, so you may not even notice.

They will also know all about your insecurities and use them against you. Sometimes they do this discreetly, so you may not even notice. Make you dependent on them: They can make you give up on people or things that are important to you and slowly isolate you so that you become dependent on them.

They can make you give up on people or things you care about and slowly isolate you so that you become dependent on them. Hyperbole and generalization: They use vague accusations like “no one cares about me,” which makes you feel sorry for them.

They use vague accusations like “nobody cares about me” which makes you feel sorry for them. Cruel Humor: You sometimes do this in front of others, poking out your insecurities to make others laugh.

You sometimes do this in front of others, venturing out on your insecurities to make others laugh. Gaslighting: This is a very common behavior where they turn things around and make you question your reality. Often this happens when you confront the abuser.

While there are many other behaviors and tactics to watch out for, these are some common ones.

Manipulative Apologies

The words “I’m sorry” carry a lot of meaning, and being truly sorry means that you feel regret and grief for the wrongdoing and hurt you caused.

Apologizing means you accept responsibility for your actions, no matter the consequences.

Unfortunately, not all apologies are genuine, and people in unhealthy relationships are more likely to apologize when they are manipulating their partner, rather than expressing genuine feelings of regret.

Some reasons why a manipulator might apologize are below:

To make you feel better: They’re unlikely to be sorry in this situation, they just don’t like feeling guilty, so say they’re sorry to make themselves feel better.

: They’re unlikely to feel sorry in this situation, they just don’t like feeling guilty, so say sorry to make them feel better. To end the argument, they could apologize for ending the conversation as they don’t care anymore.

: They could apologize for ending the conversation as they don’t care anymore. Take Control: Apologizing can also make them feel in control again. By apologizing, they feel like they’re more likely to get what they want from you after the apology.

How to respond to a manipulative apology

Before figuring out how to respond to this type of apology, it’s important that you acknowledge that it is a manipulative apology. If it falls into the categories above, then you know it is.

Another way to tell if this is the case or not is to think about their past behavior. Have they been manipulative in the past?

Will they derive something from this apology that will benefit them? Once you’ve determined if the behavior is manipulative, there are a few ways you can respond.

While it may be tempting to accept the apology and avoid conflict, doing so will only cause the manipulation to continue.

call it

A good first step is to acknowledge that you are aware that you are being manipulative. Be respectful but firm in your language and use “I” statements to avoid confrontation.

Be sure to explain that you think their apology is not genuine. You can refer to past experiences with that person to explain your point.

While it’s tempting to accept their apology because you want to think they’re genuinely sorry, saying you won’t accept it this time is a step in the right direction.

Let her know how you feel about it

If you have stated that you will not accept this apology, explain why. If they’ve done this before, apologized, and then repeated the same hurtful actions, explain how it made you feel.

Again, use respectful language and don’t blame, as this can lead to a confrontation. Instead, you can try approaches like this:

Acknowledge her feelings and perspective: “I know you’re stressed because you’re busy, but I’m disappointed because…”

: “I know you are stressed because you have a lot to do, but I am disappointed because…” Explain to them how this behavior is affecting you and the relationship: “When you say sorry without meaning to , repeat the same actions, and it makes me feel…”

Explain what you want from them

One way to measure progress is to explain what you expect from him after that apology. You can outline some positive actions to follow that will make you think they are truly sorry.

This person may not realize that they are not sincere. So if she has some kind of guideline, if she apologizes sincerely, she can stick to it. Some people need a little guidance and some behavior patterns to follow.

This is also a way you can measure their progress. After setting out what you want them to do, you can determine if the following actions align with the ones you’ve set.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with someone who is manipulative is never easy, whether it’s a friend, partner, or family member.

It is always best to be honest and open about how their behavior makes you feel and never give in to their manipulation as this sets the tone for how they will treat you going forward.

If you’ve tried being open with them and their manipulations continue, then maybe it’s time to consider whether this person is serving a good cause in your life.

While this is more difficult with family members, if their presence only serves you negatively, it may be time to decide to limit your interactions with them as much as possible.

This article was co-authored by Julianne Cantarella and wikiHow contributor Megaera Lorenz, PhD. Julianne Cantarella is a Dating Coach, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Social Worker, and CEO and President of New Jersey’s Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping women heal heartbreak and build healthy long-term relationships. Julianne has developed a comprehensive dating coaching program from First Date to Soulmate™ that has helped hundreds of women find love. She holds a Bachelor of Social Work (BSW) from Ramapo College of New Jersey and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from Fordham University. Julianne has contributed to numerous media such as Your Tango Online Magazine, 24Seven Wellness Magazine and Talk of The Town Magazine. She has also been featured as a relationship expert on CBS, iHeartRadio and PBS’ This Emotional Life Project. This article has been viewed 78,915 times.

Forgiving yourself for hurting others can be easier if you take action to make amends first. In fact, according to a recent behavioral study, this may be the driving selfish factor that drives many people to make amends in the first place so they can have the “moral OK” to forgive themselves.

We’ve seen it a dozen times. Guy insults girlfriend. girlfriend is upset. Guy tries to make amends…and his girlfriend says, “You’re only doing this to make YOU feel better.”

A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology suggests this hypothetical girlfriend may not be wrong.

Researchers at Baylor University in Waco, Texas, launched two studies examining what allows for self-forgiveness.

The first study involved 269 volunteers who were asked to recall a past crime they had committed in their life. The researchers defined a “crime” as something like romantic betrayal, causing physical harm, or emotionally hurting another person.

According to the study, these participants were asked to answer a series of questions about how much they forgave themselves, how much they felt the other person forgave them, how much effort they made to actually make amends accomplish, and how much they felt their own self-forgiveness was “morally appropriate.”

Predictably, those who reported making the most efforts to make amends also felt that those efforts made it appropriate to forgive oneself. Self-forgiveness was reportedly even easier when the other person also forgave them, but this was not necessary in many of the reported situations.

Interestingly, a second study by the researchers, using hypothetical situations and the same questions, showed even more clearly that trying to find an apology for self-forgiveness was much more important than the victim’s forgiveness.

The researchers found that women are also less self-forgiving than men, although why this is so remains unclear.

The study was published in the May issue of the Journal of Positive Psychology.

step 8

Made a list of everyone we had harmed and became willing to make amends for them all

6:1 The LORD spoke to Moses, saying:

6:2 “If anyone sins and transgresses the faith of the LORD, by cheating his neighbor of a deposit or security, or by robbery, or by oppressing his neighbor

6:3 or found something lost and lied about it and sworn falsely – in all that men do and sin thereby –

6:4 if he has sinned, and has recognized his iniquity, and will restore what he has stolen, or what he has obtained through oppression, or the pledge that was entrusted to him, or the lost thing that he has found

6:5 or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and add a fifth to it and give it to its owner on the day when he knows his guilt.

6:6 And he shall bring to the priest a ram from the flock without blemish, or its equivalent, as a trespass offering as his indemnity to the LORD.

6:7 And the priest shall make atonement for him before the LORD, and he shall be forgiven for whatever sin is committed by any man.

The principle of indemnity goes far back in the scriptures. This passage is from the book of Leviticus, one of the books of the law written by Moses, and is one of many passages from that book that tell of the requirements of the law of Moses to make amends. In this case, it is the sin of stealing, cheating, or gaining from threats or lies. The order is to refund the amount to the person and then pay an additional 20% of the value of the goods. It is also necessary to offer the priest a sacrifice for this sin, a trespass offering. If we believe in Christ, then first of all we should praise God that Jesus made this sacrifice for sin for us. We should recognize that this grace has come at a tremendous cost to Christ for us, and we should not take this lightly. If we are Christians, then we believe that there has been a new dispensation, a new covenant between God and his people as given in the New Testament. However, the character of God remains the same in the New Testament and the Old Testament, as does the nature of man for the most part. Although Christians have a new dispensation in the New Testament, this commentator believes that this principle of indemnity from the book of Leviticus can and should still be fruitfully applied in our lives. In verse 6:7 we are told that after the processing of indemnity there would be forgiveness. Thus, Christian indemnities can be pursued with the goal of bringing about more forgiveness and peace in our relationships and in the world, which are strong values ​​found in both the Old and New Testaments.

12:1 And the Lord sent Nathan to David. He came to him and said to him: “In a certain town there were two men, one rich and one poor.

12:2 The rich man had very many sheep and oxen,

12:3 but the poor man had nothing but a little lamb that he had bought. And he raised it, and it grew up with him and with his children. It used to eat from his morsel and drink from his cup and lie in his arms, and it was like a daughter to him.

12:4 Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he would not take one of his own flock or flock to judge for the guest who had come to him, but he took the poor man’s lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.”

12:5 David’s anger was very hot against the man, and he said to Nathan, As the LORD lives, the man who did these things deserves to die.

12:6 and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this and because he had no mercy.

12:7 Nathan said to David: You are the man! Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel: I have anointed you king over Israel and delivered you out of the hand of Saul.

12:8 And I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your arms, and I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if this were not enough, I would add so much more to you.

12:9 Why have you despised the word of the LORD to do what is evil in him? You killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, took his wife to be your wife, and killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.

12:10 Now the sword shall not depart from your house, because you despised me and married Uriah the Hittite’s wife.

12:11 Thus says the LORD: Behold, I will stir up evil against you out of your house. And I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he will lie down with your wives in the sight of this sun.

12:12 For you did it secretly, but I will do it before all Israel and before the sun.

12:13 David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said to David, The Lord has taken away your sin also; you shall not die.

12:14 But because you have despised the LORD in this deed, the child who is born to you shall die.

In this passage we have an example of what you might call “forced indemnity,” if you will, based on God’s judgment rather than a willing heart. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had Bathsheba’s husband (Uriah) killed in battle to cover up his (David’s) sin. When Nathan the prophet makes a parable about what David has done, David becomes angry and sees the great injustice of it all and says that indemnity should be fourfold. Then Nathan utters those lines that have been used in many literary works since You Are the Man. Indeed, our sin may or may not be the same as David’s, but as addicts we can certainly find instances where someone can point to us and say, “You are the man” (or the woman). We are guilty of taking the goodness and grace of God and others and abusing, ignoring, or manipulating them into something selfish, arrogant, ugly, and evil. we are the man In this case, David had to pay fourfold for his sin, just as he himself proclaimed in his judgment. In David’s case, the verdict included violence that did not leave his own home, and sexual immorality that was rife in his own family, and David’s shame made public to Israel. In this we see that God is a God of righteousness, regardless of what relationship we may or may not have had with God before. When we believe in Christ, we have a legitimate hope of mercy through the blood of Christ. At the same time, the same God is the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament, so we can legitimately expect judgment mixed with that mercy as well. Reading through the events that followed in David’s life, one might surmise that David would have been more diligent in eradicating sin and becoming more aware of sin in his life and those around him (to become aware of sin in our own lives and the lives of others can often go hand in hand), then we can imagine that some of the devastation could have been avoided later in his life. This is what we can hope for from Christ—that through His grace we can be more diligent, careful, and effective in eradicating sin from our lives and seeing it more clearly in the world around us. We have this additional grace through Christ. But indemnities have yet to be made, the consequences have yet to be endured as we remain true to Christ. God will still have to prune us to bear fruit for Him. If we willingly embrace the idea of ​​making amends and make a conscious effort, it can open a window for God’s mercy and grace to flow into our lives and may even allow us to avoid judgment from the Lord. At least we can grow in Christ and our knowledge of Him while enduring whatever sufferings may come in our lives.

16:6 By kindness and faithfulness wrongdoing is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns from evil.

16:7 When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies at peace with him.

When we make amends, we “cleanse” iniquity. The NKJV translates this verse “In mercy and truth is atonement for iniquity…”. In other words, when we live in mercy and truth, we make atonement, we purify injustice from our lives and from the lives of others. That’s what making amends is about – about removing injustice, removing the poison that our addictive behaviors have brought into our own lives, the lives of others, and our relationships. In 16:7 we see a possible consequence of this cleansing of iniquity and that is that those who were once our enemies can become those who are at peace with us. Our relationships can be restored to those of peace, harmony and trust where once there was strife and mistrust.

33:14 Even though I say to the wicked, You will surely die, if he turns from his sin and does what is just and right,

33:15 If the wicked return the pledge, return the robbery, and walk in the statutes of life, and do no wrong, he shall live safely; he shall not die.

16:7 None of the sins that he has committed shall be imputed to him. He has done what is just and right; he will surely live.

In Ezekiel 33 the Lord speaks of His standards of forgiveness and righteousness and repentance. We are told several times in this chapter that if we fall into sin, we cannot rest in our righteous deeds and expect to be immune from judgment. Nor is it hopeless when we fall into sin, since there is a way through repentance by which we can return to righteousness. These verses also indicate that repentance can include reparation – “replace the pledge, restore what he has stolen” (33:15).

19:8 And Zacchaeus got up and said to the Lord, Behold, Lord, half of what I have I give to the poor. And if I’ve cheated someone out of something, I’ll give it back fourfold.

19:9 And Jesus said unto him, Today salvation has come to this house, for he also is a son of Abraham.

19:10 For the Son of man came to seek and to save the lost.

Zacchaeus was “the chief of the tax collectors, and he was rich” (Luke 19:2). In Israel in Jesus’ time it was common for tax collectors to collect additional taxes for themselves to line their own pockets. We don’t know if or how many times Zacchaeus himself did this, and perhaps he didn’t even count. But when Jesus came to his house, Zacchaeus became a different person. He wanted to make things right, and part of making things right was paying back everything he’d been wronged to get — and not just paying it back, but paying it back QUAD. This is an example of spontaneously wanting to make amends. And note Christ’s response to that announcement. Christ blesses him. It’s often easy once we’re past our addictive behaviors to just move forward and forget about people we may have hurt in the past. But here we see how blessed it can be to go further and take the step of making amends for those we have wronged. In the case of Zacchaeus, it led the Lord to declare, “Today salvation has come to this house…”.

12:18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live peacefully with everyone.

In Step 8, we begin trying to make peace with those around us that we may have hurt. Here we are exhorted by the apostle Paul to “live at peace with all.” By making amends, we do our part to bring about peace where resentment, hurt, and destruction can result from our addictive behaviors. The added wisdom of this verse also bestows this limitation – “as much is in you.” We can do our best to make amends, and those amends may not be accepted by others. It is the right of others to choose whether or not to forgive us. What we have control over is correct amends. How others react to our redemption is up to them.

Did you know that addiction is the number one health problem in the United States? Over 22 million people suffer from the effects of alcohol abuse and 8 million from drug abuse.

Addiction is a disease that affects the brain. This causes those who have become addicted to do and say things they would not normally do, which inevitably leads to strained and broken relationships.

During your worst periods of addiction, you may have made a long list of people you’ve also caused pain to. You may be wondering how to reconcile with loved ones in your recovery time? Read on to find out.

What does it mean to make amends?

Making amends isn’t as easy as apologizing. An apology expresses the fact that you regret the choices you have made, while making amends seeks to right a past wrong.

Direct reparation involves actively righting the wrong. For example, if you damaged someone else’s house while under the influence of alcohol. Direct redress would be to meet the homeowner in person, admit you were wrong, and repair the damage.

Indirect redress is more about the thoughts and attitudes behind your behavior. For example, if you have stolen money from someone, you should not expect that person to lend you money again. Or if you need to borrow money, create a repayment schedule to show you’re reliable.

How to make amends step by step.

Repairing the damage caused by addiction does not happen overnight. Read this step-by-step guide to help you heal the wounds of those you’ve hurt.

1. Make a list

Make a list of the people you’ve hurt in your active addiction days. It may be painful, but it’s all part of taking responsibility for your actions.

2. Admit your mistakes

Take responsibility for your behavior, meet the person you hurt, and own up to your mistakes. People need to hear that you admit your mistakes and want to be forgiven. This will start the relationship on the path to healing.

3. Be specific

Don’t just say, “I’m sorry for what I did,” and be specific about how you caused them pain. Although it will be difficult to bring up some of the things you have done in the past, they will no doubt appreciate your effort and courage in confronting them.

4. Be honest

Addicts often say or do whatever gets them what they want. Because of the times you lied and manipulated them, your friends and family probably won’t believe a word you say. Even if they have a hard time believing you at first, keep at it. Be honest in all things, big or small. In time, your loved ones will believe in you.

5. Find a cure

Find a suitable means of smoothing things out. It could just be an apology, or it could pay back the money you stole. Whatever the cure is, try to find it and do it.

6. Acceptance

Accept the person’s reaction, whether it’s good or bad. In some cases, they never forgive you no matter how hard you try. Accept her answer. Who knows, maybe over time they’ll change their minds.

7. Be patient

You may be sincere, but your loved ones may need time to fully trust you. Everyone heals in their own way and at their own pace.

It is not too late

It is never too late to turn back and make amends. Keep making positive changes in your life and in time you will regain the love, trust and respect your family had for you before you trod the dark path of addiction.

If you or someone you know needs help on the road to recovery, please contact us. We are ready to listen to you.

One of the hardest but most important things we can do during recovery is try to make amends with the people we’ve hurt because of our addiction. This can be extremely scary and difficult. We are filled with remorse and regret. We feel ashamed and guilty for our actions. We are deeply ashamed. Making amends is part of the process of not only asking others for forgiveness, letting them know how sorry we are, but also working to forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness is a crucial part of recovery. Without them, we’re likely to fall into our old patterns of dealing with the pain.

When we make amends to other people, we know they may not forgive us, but the important thing is that we tried. It’s so important for us to know that we were able to apologize and that our apologies were heard, even if they weren’t accepted. We have no control over whether or not the other person forgives us. All we can control is how we handle the situation once we have gained enough clarity to know that we need to apologize for our wrongdoing. It can be therapeutic to know that we’ve done our best to make amends. We can’t undo the damage we’ve done, we can’t make it all go away, but we can express our sincere remorse and hope that the other person appreciates our honesty, humility, vulnerability, and courage.

Sometimes the process of making amends for the people we’ve hurt is something we put off, even for years. Fear of it makes us want to avoid it altogether. When we embark on the emotional work of recovery, it can be one of the most difficult things we have to do because we are dealing not only with ourselves but also with other people’s pain and anger. We cannot predict their answers. We cannot prepare for them. All we can do is hope that our attempts to make peace will be accepted and that our intentions will be understood – that we care about the mistakes we have made and how we have affected other people, and that we will sincere desire to right our wrongs.

Whether our apologies are accepted or not is less important than the fact that we had the courage to make them, that we humbled ourselves enough to reach out to the people we had wronged, that we were willing to be honest and forthcoming enough to face our mistakes. When we make amends, we are more able to forgive ourselves, and this can make all the difference in our ability to move forward.

Riverside Recovery’s treatment programs include various types of therapy and recovery meetings to support you in your recovery goals. Call (800) 871-5440 for more information.

Published December 7, 2020

Most of the time, we equate redemption with apology. But there’s so much more to it than just apologizing. Making amends means doing things right. It is the desire to mend broken relationships. Especially the last part makes it more difficult.

You see, relationships are like fragile ceramics. Once it breaks, it’s impossible to get it back the way it was. Yes, you can patch it and glue the pieces back together. But the cracks will still be visible. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try to put the broken pieces back.

Yes, trying to mend a broken relationship is no easy task. Even the act of apologizing and acknowledging our mistakes takes an incredible amount of courage. But if you are genuine in your intention to set things right, no task is too daunting. Plus, deciding to make amends with the people you’ve hurt is already a big step.

If you’re still not sure how to proceed, here are some tips on how to make amends and heal broken relationships:

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable

Opening up and making yourself vulnerable may be the hardest thing you will ever do. But being honest with yourself and the person you hurt is the first step to healing.

Since childhood we have been programmed to contain our emotions. There’s always the notion that wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you look weak. This is the first hurdle you must overcome.

If you really want to make amends, you have to tell the other person how you really feel. Tell them your regrets and your hopes. This will help the other person understand your side of the story. Pour your heart out and cry all you want. It will not make you a lesser person. If anything, it makes you that much stronger.

2. Ask yourself why you are making amends

Why do you want to make amends? Are you just doing it because you need a favor from the other person? Or is it because you sincerely want to make things right with them?

If you are doing this for selfish reasons, you may need to reconsider your intentions. Sooner or later, the other person will know what you’re really up to. And when that happens, you may never have

3. Consider the reason for the fallout

Most broken relationships are not caused by a single conflict. It is the result of many little issues left unaddressed that have evolved into what it is now.

So before you ask for forgiveness, think about what really caused the conflict. Was it because of a recent argument? Or is it due to underlying issues that you both ignored to the point of overdoing it?

When you know the real reason for the fallout, you can choose your words. Including these reasons in your apology also shows the other person that you are genuinely serious about making amends.

4. Apologize sincerely

An apology, if not sincere, is just a waste of time. The other person may accept it, but it can never make things right between the two of you. It will be like putting a plaster on a suppurating wound.

For an apology to be effective, it must come from the heart. You don’t need too many words or big gestures. You just have to show true remorse for what you did.

Relationships are the main victims of addiction, and with good reason. Loved ones who would do anything to help can eventually become overwhelmed by the reality of addiction. Those affected by this disorder behave in ways that are inconsistent with their values, religious beliefs, or moral codes. They can lie, cheat, and steal to keep up their supply of drugs and alcohol. That’s why the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous encourages us to make amends during the recovery process. But what does redemption mean and how is it different from a simple apology? Read on for the answer and an AA change script.

Change definition

Merriam-Webster defines redemption as “doing something to right a mistake you made or a bad situation you caused”. When you make amends, go beyond just “I’m sorry.” You acknowledge your mistakes and then take action to make up for what happened in the past.

Steps 8 and 9 both deal with repairing relationships. In Step 8, people in recovery look back at their actions and identify where they went wrong and what can be done for the future. Then, in Step 9, they begin making direct amends whenever possible.

Apologies vs. Amends

Making amends is more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” It goes the extra mile to get things right. By making amends, you clearly demonstrate the difference between how you acted before and how you will act now. Apologies do not address the undercurrents of our addiction choices, nor illustrate our intentions for the future.

Some examples are:

Spend more time with your kids to catch up on missed football games, graduations and study hours.

Keep your promises and show up for events instead of sacrificing commitments.

Repaying outstanding financial debts to loved ones.

How to make amends

The idea of ​​making amends can stir up difficult emotions. While some people are excited about this process and want to dive right in, others hesitate and even struggle to admit what they’ve done. No matter which camp you fall into, the instructions below will help you get started with Step 8 and Step 9.

Be intentional and realistic

First, it’s important to restrain yourself. Avoid the urge to say or promise things impulsively. This is a delicate process that requires forethought, reflection and strong commitment. Leaping to get things right is a great instinct! Just make sure you can practice what you preach for years to come.

Acknowledge that this is an ongoing process

Remember that part of making amends is demonstrating changed behavior. Even concrete steps like paying off a debt aren’t done once you’ve handed over money; You must also avoid betraying that person in the future. Because of this, changes are an ongoing process with no end date.

Work with a sponsor

Sponsorship is critical to all 12 steps, but it’s especially helpful at this stage. A sponsor can offer guidance, expert input, and information from their own experience with these steps. You can identify gaps in your logic, places where you hold back, and ill-advised decisions (like making amends with someone who doesn’t want to hear from you).

do no harm

Sometimes trying to make things right can cause sorrow to others. There are times when reaching out to someone, even to apologize and let them know you’ve changed, can be painful. Additionally, revealing the things you did without the knowledge of a loved one often leads to agony, not healing. Before adding changes to your list, think about your motives for contacting this person and work with your sponsor to determine next steps.

AA changes script

While there is no set “script” for this process, there are a few important points to keep in mind. Work with your sponsor, treatment center, and the 12-step group to determine which parts of this are right for you.

Explain your intentions

Set up a conversation with the other person – although COVID-19 has made this process difficult, it is recommended that face-to-face amends be made. Telephoning can also be an option. If necessary, you can let the person know how making amends relates to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you did something wrong and want to make it right.

Own your actions

Apologize for what you have done and accept your role fully. Avoid the temptation to evade responsibility by blaming or justifying your actions.

offer return

At this point, you may offer any redress you deem appropriate. For example, if you are behind on child support payments, you can give the other person a payment (instead of just having the conversation about missing payments).

“What can I do to make this right?”

This part is perhaps the most daunting, but also the most important. Have the other person explain how they are feeling, how they were affected, and what they need to do to move forward.

Repairing Relationships in Recovery

At Augustine Recovery, we understand how addiction impacts family unity. That’s why we’ve developed a unique approach to the 12-step treatment. Those who participate in our treatment programs will go through all 12 steps while in our care. They will also have access to robust family programs that provide ample opportunities to make amends, learn about addiction, and repair relationships.

To learn more about Augustine Recovery, contact our admissions team.

The making amends process is an important part of our recovery work. It’s hard to heal and move forward if we haven’t made amends for the people we’ve hurt. We instinctively want to right our wrongs and seek redemption when there are things we feel guilty and ashamed of. It’s second nature to wanting to make things right. We want to restore the connection between us and repair the damage we have caused. Our addiction has caused so much turmoil in our lives and inevitably impacted our relationships in very damaging and destructive ways.

But when is it not a good idea to make amends? Are there cases where we should avoid making amends? Read on to learn when making amends may not be the best decision.

Unhealthy relationship dynamics

Many addiction recovery programs recommend that we do not make amends if doing so would cause more harm to a person. Sometimes our relationships have an ongoing problematic dynamic. There could be persistent toxicity that’s still prevalent, or patterns of codependency that prevent us from thinking clearly about how things are affecting us. For example, we might be so attached to another person that we are blind to their emotional abuse. When we are in an unhealthy relationship of any kind, trying to make amends with the other person while we recover would sometimes be more detrimental than helpful to our progress. It can hinder rather than help our recovery.

More harm than good

Sometimes when we recover, we have relationships that have been estranged for so long and have suffered so much damage that they can no longer be repaired. One or both of us may have finally found happiness and inner peace, partly because the relationship is over. In such a situation, we may not want to make amends if it would bring up past wounds and hurts that none of us can relive. We may instinctively know that we are healthier apart. In some cases, the relationship can be too unhealthy for us to communicate at all. The reparation process in such cases can be harmful, and contact with the other person could hurt them—or us—more than it would help.

Assessing the needs of the other person

The purpose of making amends is not just to ease our guilty conscience and overcome past mistakes. It’s also about expressing our regret and remorse in a way that shows the other person how important they are to us. We want to let them know how sorry we are for the things we’ve done – that we care so much about them and their feelings that we want them to know how sorry we are. When we make amends, the other person’s feelings are just as important as our own.

If we are determined to apologize, but the other person would be better off left alone and/or contact with us would be detrimental to their well-being, we should attend to their needs. We must not allow our needs to cause us to harm others more than we have harmed them over the years. We should assess their needs to determine if our reparation would be in their best interests.

Driven by urgency and desperation

If we want to make amends, we want more than just an apology. We have a strong need for clarity and openness between us. We want honesty between us – finally. At times we may be desperate to make amends because unresolved issues with people we care about can be incredibly confusing and challenging. We may feel overwhelmed by our need for salvation. We may feel like we are drowning in shame. When we have not yet forgiven ourselves, we feel a sense of urgency for the other person to forgive us so that we can move forward in our lives with a clear conscience.

When we’re in this place, it may not be time to make amends—we seek clarity and resolution in the relationship if we haven’t already created it for ourselves. We need to get to the point where we are clear about everything we hope to make amends for. We like to feel like we came up with our own solution without needing it from anyone else. We want to be independent in our thinking and not tied to someone else in codependent or dysfunctional relationships. We want to be able to forgive ourselves without needing approval or validation—or even forgiveness—from anyone else. Before we are able to make amends, perhaps the most important thing we can do is to feel clear and strong inside, and to feel like we love, accept, and forgive ourselves. If our past mistakes still bring us down, if we feel despair and neediness, we may not be ready to make amends.

self-healing

As important as it is to make amends, it is even more important to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves that is based on self-forgiveness and self-love. Until we are able to, our recovery work will be incomplete and disingenuous. We will make amends to feel better instead of repairing the damage we caused. We only apologize so that we no longer feel guilty, and not because we want to heal the wounds we caused. If we are unwilling to make amends – or if it would be detrimental to everyone involved – it may be better to continue to focus on healing ourselves and our relationship with ourselves before attempting to make amends and relationships to save other people.

At Guest House Ocala, you will be treated with dignity, respect and compassion at every stage of your recovery. Call 855-483-7800 today or visit www.theguesthouseocala.com today for more information on our treatment programs.

There is no worse feeling in the world than hurting someone you care about. If you said or did something to upset a girl in your life, you should apologize in the right way so that she is more willing to forgive you. Saying sorry over text can be difficult, but it’s not impossible if you do it right!

Here are 10 tips to keep in mind when apologizing to a girl via text message.

Step 8: “Made a list of everyone we had harmed and prepared to make amends.”

Whether you are doing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Al-Anon, or any other program, Step 8 can be humbling, but it can also lead to growth. The eighth step involves making amends with others who may have been harmed by your alcohol or drug use. Taking this step is a chance to strengthen and improve your relationships with your friends and loved ones—which will only help you further your recovery.

The goal of this step is to end isolation from others. Not only is this an appealing target, but it also targets one of the reasons people drink often.

You will notice that the term “God” is used in the original 12 steps and God is referred to as “he”. Today, these terms are being redefined to suit the person using them. For example, some people replace the word God with Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, or Higher Power and remove the masculine pronoun.

12 Steps Defined According to Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps are as follows: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives were beyond control. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore sanity to us. We have chosen to entrust our will and our lives to the care of God as we have understood him. A thorough and fearless moral inventory made by ourselves. Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Were perfectly willing to let God remove all those flaws of character. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Made a list of people we had harmed and was willing to make amends for them all. Wherever possible, direct redress will be made to such persons unless it would harm them or others. We continued to take personal stock and when we were wrong we immediately admitted it. Striving through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we have understood Him, simply praying for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we sought to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

How it works

By the time you’ve completed your inventory in step four, you’ll probably have most of your list. However, like most of the 12 steps, this is not necessarily a one-off event. It’s a process that will continue to unfold as more is revealed.

The list usually starts with friends and family members you’ve harmed and expands to include others like neighbors and co-workers as recovery progresses.

For many Al-Anon members, the first person on their list is a relative with an alcohol use disorder. As they begin to focus on themselves and take stock of their own, many find they owe redemption to the family member with a drinking problem who they blamed for all of their family’s problems.

Categorize your list

When making your list, you need to include anyone you may have hurt while actively using alcohol or drugs. Once you’ve created this list (which may be longer than expected), divide the names into one of four categories:

Make amends now

Make partial amends

Make amends later

May never be able to make direct personal contact

become willing

When you become “ready” to make the necessary amends, you do not yet have to “do” anything of the sort. But you have to be honest with yourself.

In order to make a list of the people you have harmed, you must examine and deal with your behavior without apologies.

As you compile your list, ask yourself the following questions:

Were you kind, tolerant, and considerate of others?

Were you mean, temperamental, impatient and selfish?

What were your motives in dealing with family members, friends and colleagues?

Were you only concerned with getting what you wanted, not what was right?

Have you poured out self-pity on those you thought you could gain sympathy from?

By asking yourself these questions, you can create a more complete list of those you can make amends with now or in the future.

Search for additional help

For some people, step 8 can increase negative self-talk and emotions and induce cravings for alcohol or drugs. When this happens, it’s important to seek help. Whether it’s a friend or family member, a sponsor or a psychiatrist, count on someone who can support you as you work through the steps and avoid relapse.

A word from Verywell

Like any part of a 12-Step program, Step 8 requires commitment on your journey to lasting recovery. Step 8 forms the basis for all future relationships with ourselves and others; When we can let go of our past hurts on others, we can begin a new facet of sobriety.

Published December 7, 2020

Most of the time, we equate redemption with apology. But there’s so much more to it than just apologizing. Making amends means doing things right. It is the desire to mend broken relationships. Especially the last part makes it more difficult.

You see, relationships are like fragile ceramics. Once it breaks, it’s impossible to get it back the way it was. Yes, you can patch it and glue the pieces back together. But the cracks will still be visible. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try to put the broken pieces back.

Yes, trying to mend a broken relationship is no easy task. Even the act of apologizing and acknowledging our mistakes takes an incredible amount of courage. But if you are genuine in your intention to set things right, no task is too daunting. Plus, deciding to make amends with the people you’ve hurt is already a big step.

If you’re still not sure how to proceed, here are some tips on how to make amends and heal broken relationships:

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable

Opening up and making yourself vulnerable may be the hardest thing you will ever do. But being honest with yourself and the person you hurt is the first step to healing.

Since childhood we have been programmed to contain our emotions. There’s always the notion that wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you look weak. This is the first hurdle you must overcome.

If you really want to make amends, you have to tell the other person how you really feel. Tell them your regrets and your hopes. This will help the other person understand your side of the story. Pour your heart out and cry all you want. It will not make you a lesser person. If anything, it makes you that much stronger.

2. Ask yourself why you are making amends

Why do you want to make amends? Are you just doing it because you need a favor from the other person? Or is it because you sincerely want to make things right with them?

If you are doing this for selfish reasons, you may need to reconsider your intentions. Sooner or later, the other person will know what you’re really up to. And when that happens, you may never have

3. Consider the reason for the fallout

Most broken relationships are not caused by a single conflict. It is the result of many little issues left unaddressed that have evolved into what it is now.

So before you ask for forgiveness, think about what really caused the conflict. Was it because of a recent argument? Or is it due to underlying issues that you both ignored to the point of overdoing it?

When you know the real reason for the fallout, you can choose your words. Including these reasons in your apology also shows the other person that you are genuinely serious about making amends.

4. Apologize sincerely

An apology, if not sincere, is just a waste of time. The other person may accept it, but it can never make things right between the two of you. It will be like putting a plaster on a suppurating wound.

For an apology to be effective, it must come from the heart. You don’t need too many words or big gestures. You just have to show true remorse for what you did.

Relationships can be wonderful buffers against stress, but relationship conflicts can also cause significant emotional pain and stress. Knowing how to apologize — and when — can repair damage in a relationship, but not knowing how to apologize genuinely can actually make things worse.

A sincere and effective apology is one that expresses genuine empathy, remorse and regret, and a promise to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you need to genuinely believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the pain you caused. Here are some simple steps to help you apologize sincerely and effectively.

Recognize the reasons for an apology

If you’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing you can:

Acknowledge that you were wrong

Discuss what is and isn’t allowed in your relationship

Express your regret and remorse

Learn from your mistakes and find new ways to deal with difficult situations

Open a line of communication with the other person

A sincere apology can also bring relief, especially if you feel guilty about your actions. An apology by itself doesn’t erase or make up for the pain, but it does show that you know what you did or said was wrong and that you will do better in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Not apologizing when you’re wrong can damage your personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that can only grow over time.

Research suggests that some of the top reasons people don’t apologize are because they don’t really care about the other person, the apology threatens their own self-image, or they believe that an apology won’t do any good anyway.

Know when to apologize

Knowing when to apologize is just as important as knowing how to apologize. In general, if you suspect that something you did, intentionally or accidentally, made someone else feel uncomfortable, it’s a good idea to apologize and clear the air.

If what you did would have bothered you if it had been done to you, an apology is in order. When you’re not sure, apologizing not only gives you an opportunity to “make your own” mistakes you’ve made, but also to restore what you thought was okay. If you feel the other person is being unreasonable, a discussion may be appropriate. After that, you can decide how you feel about the apology.

While a sincere apology can go a long way toward repairing a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take that step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humiliating.

Researchers have found that people who believe personality is mutable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel change is possible, they see taking blame for their mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow.

To take responsibility

Taking responsibility means acknowledging mistakes you made that hurt the other person, and this is one of the most important and neglected parts of most apologies, especially those in the media.

Saying something vague like, “I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said,” implies that the hurt feelings were an accidental reaction on the part of the other person. Saying, “When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings and I’m sorry,” confirming that you know what you said that hurt the other person and you take responsibility for it.

Don’t make assumptions or try to shift the blame. Make it clear that you regret your actions and that you are genuinely sorry.

express regret

When learning to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad for hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they would like to know that you feel bad because they feel bad.

What to say when you want to apologize “I wish I could take it back.”

“I wish I had been more thoughtful.”

“I wish I had thought about your feelings too.”

These are all expressions of regret that add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know that you care.

make amends

If you can do something to change the situation, do it. Knowing how to say a sincere apology is important, and part of being sincere is taking action.

What to say when making amends If you broke something: “How can I replace it?”

If you said something hurtful: “I know my words hurt you. I should never have spoken like that to someone I love and respect. I will do my best to think before speaking in the future.”

If you broke the trust: “Is there anything I can do now to rebuild your trust?”

Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.

reaffirm boundaries

One of the most important parts of an apology, and one of the best reasons to apologize, is to reinforce boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship.

When you get into conflict with someone, a line is often crossed. When a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps reinforce what future behavior is preferred.

Discussing what kind of rules the two of you will abide by going forward will restore trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It offers a natural transition out of conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.

For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member may discuss things that you do not tolerate, including:

disrespect

Cheat

lying

gas lighting

mistrust

Scream

Additionally, you can work together to set expectations about how you should interact with each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you’re having trouble agreeing on these boundaries, you and your loved one may benefit from seeing a family therapist or couples counselor.

Commit to your part, not hers

Remember that by apologizing you are taking responsibility for your part of the conflict. That doesn’t mean you admit that the entire conflict was your fault. People often fear apologizing first because they think whoever apologizes first is “more wrong” or the “loser” of the conflict.

Apologizing, even if only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility, is okay and often healthy. It allows you to identify what you regret about your own actions, but also validates your own limitations.

It’s important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don’t take all the blame unless it’s all your fault.

Apologize for the right reasons

Apologizing for what you did makes it easier for you to move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person’s actions. When we apologize, we can more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.

The other person can be persuaded to apologize for their actions as well. While an apology is often nice, it’s important to remember that this isn’t always the case. Trying to elicit an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.

Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person might be inspired to do the same. But be careful not to apologize just because you expect an apology.

Let go of the results… to an extent

Although an apology can be a way to maintain integrity and refrain from actions we are not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes that doesn’t happen.

If the apology was sincere and contained the necessary ingredients, your chances of being forgiven are greater, but sometimes the other person just isn’t willing or able to forgive and move on. Or they forgive you but remain vigilant. Or they are unaware of their own role in the conflict. You can’t control her reaction, and if you’ve done all you can, stop now.

Press Play for Advice on Apologizing This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, hosted by Editor-in-Chief and Therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, explores ways you can apologize effectively and sincerely.

Now follow: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

Choose your method

Verbal apologies are appropriate in most cases, but written redress can also have benefits. Many people are uncomfortable with a personal apology, and while that discomfort alone isn’t a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor — especially if your discomfort is interfering with your ability to express yourself.

Writing your apology in a letter, email, or even text message can give you the time to carefully craft your apology, take responsibility, express remorse, and reinforce boundaries.

On the other hand, written apologies can be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if no response follows the written apology, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.

This is how you will know if your apology has been accepted

In general, you can tell if your apology has been accepted if the person has taken the following steps:

Heard your apology or acknowledged having read your apology

thanked you for your apology or showed appreciation

Responded to your apology by saying, “It’s okay,” or “Please don’t ever do that again,” or even “Thank you, but I need more time to think.”

It’s important to remember that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re willing to forgive you. True forgiveness can take time, so keep calm and be patient.

A word from Verywell

Sincere apologies aren’t always easy, but it can be an important part of repairing or maintaining important relationships. With empathy, an open heart, and a dose of courage, you can take the necessary steps to apologize sincerely and honestly.

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