Trauma Bond Relationship Quiz? Top Answer Update

If you’ve ever been involved in a toxic relationship that you can’t (or don’t want to) get out of — or if you see a loved one suffering in one and have asked yourself, “Why don’t they just leave it?” — you will You might find that the concept of “trauma binding” explains a lot.

A trauma attachment is a deep emotional bond that develops in a relationship that is characterized by emotional, physical, or both. In this one-sided power dynamic, the abuser maintains control through a variety of tactics that ultimately lead the abused person to believe that ending the relationship is a terrifying, if not impossible, prospect.

“Explosive relationships create trauma bonds. These arise when a victim connects with someone who is destructive to them,” wrote Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), who defined the term as mental medical professionals know today. “To be loyal to what isn’t working — or worse, to someone who is toxic, exploitative, or destructive to the customer, is a form of insanity.”

While it may be irrational, being a trauma bond victim definitely doesn’t mean you’re weak, says Terri Cole, therapist and author of . “At least in my practice, the women in trauma-related experiences were often very capable, and that was somewhat embarrassing and humiliating. So it’s doubly isolating not identifying as someone who needs help with anything else in your life.”

Here, experts share signs of trauma attachment and tips on how to deal with them and eventually break a trauma bond for good.

Trauma bonding can occur between parent and child.

While traumatic romance can be particularly exhilarating because of the sexual aspect, “it can happen in any relationship,” says New York-based therapist Imani Wilform, MHC-LP. “Families, friends, cults.” Stockholm syndrome is also a type of trauma attachment, says Wilform. “In the days of US slavery, there were sometimes traumatic bonds between enslaved people and their ‘masters,'” she adds. “Even some who were freed didn’t know how to really escape because that was their narrative.”

The signs can sneak up on you.

“We hear this from narcissists all the time, but the nature of a trauma bondage is usually that it’s fast and furious,” says Cole. In romance, it begins with an intense attraction and love bombardment (more on that below). Whether or not a traumatic relationship is romantic in nature, Cole and Wilform both point to common red flags to watch out for.

The abusive person could:

Outwardly they look very charming

Wave between emotions unpredictably

Blame them for their changing moods

Find ways to isolate yourself from friends and family

Break promises, including vows to treat you better

You might find yourself:

Finding excuses to downplay or deny things the abuser is doing

Use of mood-altering substances such as e.g. alcohol

Become numb to emotional or physical abuse and effectively normalize it

Change behavior so as not to upset the abuser

Lying to loved ones about aspects of your relationship

Beware of love bombing.

In a trauma attachment, “there is abuse, devaluation, and then positive reinforcement. But of course it doesn’t start that way,” says Cole. First, she explains, the abuser typically uses a manipulation tactic known as love bombing, showering you with gifts, excessive praise, and/or constant communication. They may even call you their soulmate early on, instilling the belief that your connection is destined.

“It feels so good, and now oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is pouring out of your brain,” continues Cole. “But once that initial love-bonding stage is over, the devaluation begins.” From there, “the person who flipped the script is always looking for the initial high and trying to go back to the times when things were amazing. ”

This reward-punishment-reward cycle of abuse repeats itself with slight variations, cementing the trauma bond. Often, she says, “there’s this dysfunctional attempt at repair where the other person apologizes, showers love and praise, and says they’ll never do it again.” And so it starts again.

If you’re wondering if it’s love or trauma bonding…

Wilform and Cole agree that if you must ask, love probably has very little to do with your situation. And the fact of the matter is, a traumatic attachment will not turn into a healthy relationship no matter how much the abused person hopes or tries to fix it. “It’s often confused with love,” says Wilform. “But love doesn’t consist in being in a cycle of mental degradation or physical injury.”

Cole asks clients, “If someone you love was in this situation, would you want them to experience the type of relationship you’re in right now?” If the answer is no, that’s revealing.”

It’s not as simple as “just break up”.

It can be hard to understand why someone would just accept the trauma bondage as their reality, no matter how awful things get. “Usually a person in a trauma-related situation is unhappy,” says Cole. “They may not even like their person anymore, but they still can’t really end things.” Keeping the darker parts of the bond a secret from loved ones also minimizes them in their own mind, she adds, and the “selective “Remembering” good times fuels the belief that it’s a livable situation that could (it won’t) get better.

Fear also plays a big part in why they can’t. In a physically abusive situation, they may justifiably fear for their lives. Additionally, Cole says, “If you identify that experience as love, it would be the same fear you would have of losing your love. Intellectually it makes no sense; Love and pain don’t have to go together. But for people tied to trauma, they do.”

You can break a trauma bond with help.

Breaking the cycle of trauma attachment is extremely difficult and requires a multi-pronged plan of action. “The bottom line is you really have to want it,” says Cole. “I’ve known clients who do this dance of breaking up and getting back together.”

Create a safe exit plan.

Prioritize your safety first, which includes creating a safe plan for how you go and where you go. Execute this plan the minute you can financially afford it. “Don’t tell anyone but a close friend,” says Cole. Sharing your plan with your abuser is a dangerous risk, and the impulse to do so is a sign that you’re not ready to walk away. “If someone can really do that and keep it to themselves, I always see that as a sign of willingness.”

Related story Exactly how to ask for what you need – and stand firm

Break your silence.

Open yourself up to trustworthy, nonjudgmental people who understand you’re in a bad situation. “The abuser could try to contact them through a family member or mutual friend,” Wilform warns. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is another excellent resource, and Wilform emphasizes that the hotline isn’t just for those who aren’t being physically abused. It is important to clear your browser and call log after contacting us if you have reason to believe that your communications are being monitored.

Make an “ok” and “not ok” list.

Identify how your next relationship will be different by looking back at what you will not allow again. “If you’ve been using denial as a psychological defense to not take action, it’s really important that we see what’s actually happening in black and white,” says Cole, “so you can’t keep going back to where it was was good 12 years ago.”

No contact is the rule. Period.

If you’re co-parenting, Cole recommends enlisting the help of a therapist, social worker, or mediator to set boundaries. In this one exception, “You may need to communicate via email, but you need to block that person. Even a little bit of contact is poison.”

Find out what drew you to this dynamic.

“No contact is one of the top goals, but you also have to find yourself again,” says Wilform. Work on rebuilding your eroded self-esteem. Your next chapter will require learning the answers to questions like: What brought you into this relationship? What will I not accept in the next relationship? How can I set limits in the future?

This work is critical because, according to Wilform, whether they realize it or not, “the abuser prepared the abused person to continue doing this and possibly become an abuser as well. Unless they seek professional help, it’s just going to be a generational cycle.”

Samantha Vincenty Senior Staff Writer I am the Senior Staff Writer at Oprah Daily, where I write about culture, relationships, health, politics and my experiences as a woman trying to live her best life. My previous jobs have included editor-in-chief and podcast host, crossword editor, and music journalist. I live in Brooklyn, where I can give my unsolicited opinion on where the best ice cream is.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma attachment is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, particularly in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Bonding occurs through a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. After each instance of abuse, the abuser expresses love, regret, and other ways to try to make the abused person feel that the relationship feels safe and needed.

Trauma bonding is one reason leaving an abusive situation can feel disorienting and overwhelming. It involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser, making the abused person feel attached to and dependent on their abuser.

History of Trauma Bonding

The term trauma bonding was coined in 1997 by Patrick Carnes, PhD, CAS. Carnes is an addiction treatment specialist and founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). He shared the trauma bonding theory in a presentation titled “Trauma Bonds, Why People Bond To Those That Hurt Them.”

Carnes defined trauma attachment as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” and considered it one of nine possible responses to a traumatic situation.

He hypothesized that trauma attachment arises because of the way our brains deal with trauma and that this way is due to how we need to adapt when we need to survive. He found the two most important aspects of trauma, how people react to its severity and how long it lasts.

This concept still holds true today, with therapy today often focusing on how victims can break bonds from trauma and not feel ashamed or guilty about how they responded to a potentially life-threatening situation.

Before the term trauma bonding, the only term for emotional bonding in abusive situations was Stockholm syndrome. However, this term did not encompass the many different situations in which attachment can occur or the many different ways in which it can manifest itself.

Trauma Attachment Situations

Trauma bonding can occur in any abusive situation, no matter how long or short it lasts. That said, it’s most likely to happen in a situation where the abuser makes a point of expressing love to the person they’re abusing and pretends the abuse won’t happen again after each time. It’s this combination of abuse and positive reinforcement that creates the trauma bond, or the abused’s sense that the abuser isn’t all bad.

There are many types of abusive situations in which trauma attachments can occur, and emotional attachments are common in abusive situations. They are nothing to be ashamed of, as they result from our brain searching for methods of survival. This phenomenon, also known as paradoxical attachment, can occur due to a variety of situations. Here are the most common:

It can be difficult to understand how someone in a situation as horrific as any of the above could have feelings of love, dependency, or concern for the person or people who are abusing them. Although you may not understand it if you have never been in a situation involving cyclical abuse yourself, it’s pretty simple.

Attachment arises from the basic human need for attachment as a means of survival. From there, an abuse victim can become dependent on their abuser. Add in a cycle in which an abuser promises never to repeat the abuse and repeatedly gains the victim’s trust, and you have a complex emotional situation that affects even people who appear very emotionally strong.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

Because not all abusive situations result in trauma bonding, you may not be sure if this term applies to you. These are some of the signs and symptoms of a traumatic attachment relationship.

An abuse victim covers up or apologizes in front of others for an abuser’s behavior

An abuse victim lies to friends or family about the abuse

A victim does not feel comfortable or able to leave the abusive situation

An abuse victim thinks the abuse is their fault

Effects of Trauma Bonding

The greatest and worst implication of trauma bonding is that the positive feelings developed for an abuser can compel a person to remain in an abusive situation. This can lead to continued abuse at best and death at worst.

Once separated from the abuser, someone associated with trauma can experience anything from ongoing trauma to low self-esteem. One study found that the effects on self-esteem persisted even six months after breaking up with the abuser.

Additionally, the after-effects of trauma bonding can include depression and anxiety. Experiencing trauma attachments can also increase the likelihood of a generational cycle of abuse.

How to break the bond

If you have experienced an abusive situation that led to trauma attachment, your priority now is probably to break through the trauma attachment so you can see the situation for what it was and move on.

If you are already out of the situation, you may not need to take the first step, or you may have already taken it. Additionally, all of the remaining steps can be helpful and beneficial to anyone who has been on the abused side of a traumatic attachment relationship.

Plan for safety

If you are currently in an abusive situation, you should exit it once you have a safety plan in place. This includes going to a safe place with support. You don’t have to figure everything out yourself. There are many support hotlines that can help you and offer 24/7 advice by phone or web. The National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Child Abuse Helpline are two examples.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence or abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained attorneys. For more mental health resources, visit our National Helpline Database.

therapy

Therapy is an incredible tool to help people overcome trauma. Not only can it help you manage the complex and difficult emotions you experience after leaving an abusive situation, but it can also enable you to make different choices in the future.

It can also help you spot red flags of abuse so you don’t get caught in an abusive situation again. There are many different types of therapy, with trauma therapy always being the first choice for people who have experienced trauma such as abuse.

Positive self-talk and caring

A significant impact of abusive situations is that they can lower your self-esteem. Being dependent on an abuser, being mistreated by one, and simply the act of abuse wreaks havoc on a person’s self-esteem. Speaking kindly to yourself and doing your best to believe that the abusive situation was not your fault are helpful tools in breaking your bond with your abuser(s).

In addition, taking care to be kind to yourself through acts of self-care can also facilitate your healing. Putting yourself in situations where your actions are what make you feel good can reinforce the idea that you don’t need anyone else to make you feel good. You have autonomy, and the more you remember it through loving actions, the easier it will be to feel and believe.

support and peer groups

Therapy is a much-needed tool in recovery, but your trauma bonding experience may be one where therapy alone is not enough. In such situations, it can be very helpful to talk to others who have gone through similar things. It can help you feel less alone and less ashamed of having been abused.

If you don’t feel up to a support group, consider sharing what you’ve been through with those close to you and whom you trust deeply. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and the more you hear that, the easier it might be to believe.

Trauma bonding is a human emotional response, not a character flaw, and it can occur within cycles of abuse for anyone. Disclosing your experience can give you a sense of relief when you see how empathetic those around you are about it.

A word from Verywell

If you have been in an abusive situation of any kind, you may have experienced traumatic attachment. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. It’s a natural response to trauma and there is help for you.

Once upon a time I was in what could be described as a hot and cold relationship. It immediately felt emotionally intense. From the beginning we hung out almost every night and I stopped seeing friends, even ending some friendships, because the relationship was so draining. But after that initial period, I was in what could be described as a hot and cold relationship. It immediately felt emotionally intense. From the beginning we hung out almost every night and I stopped seeing friends, even ending some friendships, because the relationship was so draining. But after that initial period of naïve but happily codependent, he became distant and even abusive. I woke up to the toxicity and danger of this situation and tried to work up the courage to leave, but then he pulled me back, told me he didn’t deserve me and promised to be different. What we had was a traumatic attachment relationship — and it’s a lot more common than you might think. Read on to learn all about trauma bonding, including types of trauma bonding you may never have thought of.

What is a Trauma Attachment Relationship?

According to licensed psychologist Liz Powell, PsyD, a trauma attachment relationship reflects an attachment formed through repeated physical or emotional trauma with intermittent positive reinforcement. Simply put, in a trauma bonded relationship, “a lot of really terrible things happen and then occasionally really great things,” they say.

Where does trauma bonding take place?

Trauma bonding doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. You can see trauma attachment marks in dynamics that include:

bully fraternity

military training

kidnapping

child abuse

political torture

cults

prisoners of war

concentration camp

“In cases of domestic violence or abuse, many people find it difficult to leave abusers because they have a strong connection with them that can keep them there even in very bad times,” says Dr. Powell. “During military training [or other group-centric situations], you’re put in these stressful situations to bond with your comrades so you can trust people you know absolutely nothing about. It’s a life-or-death situation.”

Why does trauma bonding occur?

Trauma attachment relationships take shape due to the body’s natural stress response. When you’re stressed, your body activates your sympathetic nervous system and limbic system — or the part of the brain that regulates emotions and “motivated behaviors” like hunger or sexuality. This activation is commonly known as the “fight-or-flight” stress response. “When this sympathetic activation is in control, the parts of our brain that do things like long-term planning or risk analysis in our prefrontal cortex shut down,” says Dr. Powell. “They’re not able to be as effective because our brains are focused on just getting us through that trauma.”

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This helps explain why it’s so easy to attach yourself to anything that helps you get through a traumatic event: your brain associates that thing or person with safety. So when an abusive person decides to comfort you or apologize—even for trauma they’ve been through themselves—your brain resorts to positive reinforcement rather than thinking about the long-term effects it will bring to stay with the abusive person.

“There is an intense connection due to the fact that there is a strong hormonal connection between the abuser and the victim. The feeling is that you need the other person to survive.” – Jimanekia Eborn

Cycles of abuse and manipulation also sometimes result in a chemical bond between the abuser and the victim, says Jimanekia Eborn, a sex educator who specializes in trauma. Hormones bind people in relationships, but in abusive relationships, these chemicals are not properly regulated. The brain can become so exposed to some of these hormones — like oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and dopamine, the “feel good” hormone associated with cravings and motivation — that it actually becomes chemically dependent on them. Therefore, even if someone keeps treating you badly, your brain will not want to leave because it felt so wonderful when they were nice to you.

“There’s an intense connection due to the fact that there’s a strong hormonal connection between the abuser and the victim,” says Eborn. “The feeling is that you need the other person to survive.”

These are common trauma bonding signs

The key to understanding a traumatic attachment relationship is that it can’t be healthy because it’s not the same. “Often when people are traumatized, it looks and feels safe for some,” says Eborn. “But there’s a lot of inconsistency within the relationship, and it can be extremely dysfunctional. There is always some form of manipulation involved.”

It’s also worth mentioning that while relationships with trauma attachments always feel intense, relationships that feel intense are not all unhealthy and do not always involve trauma attachments. And remember, trauma attachments can show up in different forms of abuse: physical, emotional, and psychological. Here are some other signs that trauma might form a bond:

The relationship is moving at an accelerated pace

You feel very close even though you haven’t known each other for very long

You’re making major life changes for a relatively new relationship

You invest time and effort in the romantic relationship at the expense of friendships, family, and other relationships

You are extremely afraid to leave the relationship

You feel like they are the only ones who can meet your needs

The COVID-19 pandemic can make signs of trauma bonding difficult to see

The pandemic itself is causing a kind of collective trauma, says Dr. Powell, because in the beginning there was a very real risk of death or long-term disability just by leaving your home. To survive this threat, we isolated ourselves for weeks or months without seeing friends or family, but since, as they say, “humans are not meant to function,” the dynamic allowed traumatic attachment relationships to emerge.

For those looking for a partner, once they find a connection, the relationship can turn serious very quickly, in part because the easiest and safest way to see someone during the pandemic was (and is controversial) to live with them . “When we are in a traumatic state, we are deeply vulnerable,” says Dr. Powell. And as we form new relationships during this time, we may not be reinforcing the boundaries that we normally would when dating someone for the first time.

The accelerated pace of certain pandemic—or turbocharged—relationships can mean red flags or manipulative behaviors are overlooked and then, once toxic or abusive behaviors unfold, not responded to as usual. “Because of the pandemic and people’s isolation, there has been … an increase in abuse in relationships,” says Eborn.

How to deal with a traumatic attachment relationship

While the presence of the above factors, whether isolated or clustered together, does not automatically mean that a relationship is linked through trauma, if you feel that this is the case, it may be time to end the relationship no small task. It can “feel like parts of you are being ripped out in an extremely violent way,” says Dr. Powell.

To mitigate this effect and help you stay firm in your choices, it’s important to surround yourself with a strong support system. Some examples are:

Trusted Friends and Family: These are your people. Your tribe, so to speak. Sex, relationships and mental health expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT says you should surround yourself with people you’re comfortable opening up to and vulnerable with. This way you will have a strong support system while navigating the trauma bonding vs love realization and healing process as a whole.

these are your people Your tribe, so to speak. Sex, relationships and mental health expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT says you should surround yourself with people you’re comfortable opening up to and vulnerable with. This way you will have a strong support system while navigating the trauma bonding vs love realization and healing process as a whole. Support Group: Some people benefit greatly from being around people who have experienced the same forms of trauma attachment as they have. With that in mind, Wright suggests joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Additionally, she says finding a mentor or sponsor within the group can enhance the healing process.

Some people benefit greatly from being around people who have experienced the same forms of trauma attachment as they have. With that in mind, Wright suggests joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Additionally, she says finding a mentor or sponsor within the group can enhance the healing process. Therapist: While it’s more convenient to talk to a trusted friend or family member, Wright recommends seeking professional help. “I highly recommend you talk to a therapist as well,” she says. “For some, it’s actually easier to educate yourself about this type of issue with someone who they know is a professional and can help them.” Not ready to see a therapist in person? Online therapy services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, and Charlie Health exist to make getting help more accessible and less intimidating.

Although it’s more convenient to talk to a trusted friend or family member, Wright recommends seeking professional help. “I highly recommend you talk to a therapist as well,” she says. “For some, it’s actually easier to educate yourself about this type of issue with someone who they know is a professional and can help them.” Not ready to see a therapist in person? Online therapy services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, and Charlie Health exist to make getting help more accessible and less intimidating. Psychiatrist: In some cases, trauma bonding can produce such disharmonious after-effects that medication may be necessary to overcome the trauma. As such, Wright suggests meeting with a psychiatrist when other support systems don’t seem to be helping or should be evaluated even early in your healing journey.

“Trauma bonding can lead us to question our own reality or to trust someone else’s reality more than our own,” says Dr. Powell. “So getting out of this is often a process of rediscovering who you are and rediscovering what reality is to you and figuring out how to trust that for yourself.” A strong support system – and multiple types of support systems – can help tremendously.

If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence and need assistance, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Share on Pinterest Guille Faingold/Stocksy United Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t usually as easy as walking out the door. Along with concerns about finding a place to live, supporting yourself, or being prevented from seeing your children or loved ones, you may feel attached to your partner and unable to detach. This emotional attachment, known as trauma attachment, develops from a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. The trauma of abuse can create powerful feelings that you may find difficult to understand, especially when abuse is alternated with kindness and intimacy. It’s only natural to bond with someone who treats you kindly. Many abusive relationships begin with a flurry of affection and declarations of love. When the abuse begins, it may surprise you. Afterward, your partner might apologize, vow to change, or insist, “I was just upset.” These attempts at manipulation are often successful as you remember the early days of the relationship and believe they can be that person again . Trauma bonding can also occur between: a child and an abusive caregiver or another adult

a hostage and kidnapper

the leader and members of a sect

Signs of Traumatic Attachment Traumatic attachments can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they usually have two main characteristics. A cyclical nature First, they depend on intermittent reinforcement. In other words, a cycle of abuse. It’s generally easier to leave a situation that’s totally bad, a situation where the abusive person never shows kindness or concern for your well-being. If you don’t think anyone will ever change, chances are you won’t stick with it. But in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally treats you well. They might bring you gifts, call you their soulmate, take you out, or urge you to relax. These gestures can be confusing and disarming, especially when viewed as a sign of permanent change. Eventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you may ignore or suppress memories of your past behavior until the cycle begins again. A Power Imbalance These bonds are also based on an underlying power imbalance. In this dynamic, you may feel like they control you to the point where you don’t know how to resist or break free. Even if you do manage to leave the relationship, you may find it difficult to break that bond without professional help. Without them you may feel incomplete or lost and eventually come back simply because the cycle of abuse is familiar and you don’t yet know how to live without it. Other Key Signs Here’s a look at some other characteristics of traumatic attachments: You feel unhappy and you may not even like your partner anymore, but you still don’t feel able to end things.

When you try to walk, you feel physically and emotionally drained.

When you say you want to go, they promise to change but make no effort to actually do so.

They focus on the “good” days and use them as proof that they really care.

They apologize and defend their behavior when others raise concerns.

You keep trusting them and hoping to change them.

You protect them by keeping abusive behavior secret. Trauma bonds can remain, even long after the abuse. You may find it difficult to stop thinking about someone who has hurt you and feel the urge to speak up or try again. Here’s a test that might help, although it’s not at all conclusive: Ask yourself if you would encourage a loved one to leave a similar relationship. Answer honestly. If you answer yes but still feel powerless to leave your relationship, that’s a good indicator of trauma attachment.

Why It Happens People who have not experienced abuse often have trouble understanding why people stay in abusive relationships. You might believe that you are perfectly capable of walking. In reality, however, trauma bonding makes this extremely difficult. People don’t choose abuse. Nor can they help the development of trauma attachments, which are fueled by some pretty powerful biological processes. The Freeze Response You may be familiar with the fight-or-flight response, your body’s automatic response to any perceived threat. You may even know that humans respond to threats in four different ways: fight, flee, freeze, crawl. When you are exposed to abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse, your brain recognizes the impending exposure and sends a warning to the rest of your body. Adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) rush in, kickstarting your survival instincts and triggering emotional and physical tension. This is where the power imbalance comes in: if you feel like you can’t safely outrun or stand up to the person who’s abusing you, freezing seems like the best option, so stay. When thoughts of the abuse become too painful or hard to bear, choose to focus on the positive parts of your relationship and ignore or block the rest. You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay. Each iteration of the cycle can amplify that feeling of powerlessness, the seeming certainty that you can never escape. You start believing in the false reality they constructed to control you: you need it. they need you You are nothing without her. Nobody else cares. These lies can rip larger and larger blocks out of your identity and self-worth, binding you more closely to the relationship. Hormones also play a role Hormones can be powerful amplifiers. You only have to look at dopamine’s role in addiction to find support for it. Dopamine has a similar function in trauma bonding. After an incident of abuse, the quiet time that often follows can relieve your stress and anxiety. Apologies, gifts, or physical affection offered by the abusive person serve as rewards that help increase the rush of relief and trigger dopamine release. Because dopamine creates feelings of pleasure, it can strengthen your connection with the abuser. They want the dopamine boost, so keep trying to make them happy to earn their affection. Physical affection or intimacy also leads to the release of oxytocin, another feel-good hormone that can further strengthen bonds. Oxytocin not only promotes connection and positive feelings, it can also alleviate anxiety. So, the physical affection of an abusive partner can dampen stress and emotional pain and make it easier to focus on positive treatment.

Breaking the Bond People who experienced abuse in childhood are often attracted to similar relationships in adulthood because the brain already recognizes the ups and downs of the cycle. A history of trauma can make breaking trauma bonds even more difficult, but you can learn to stop this cycle. These tips can help. Knowing What You’re Dealing with Recognizing the existence of the attachment is an important first step. Of course, when it comes to abuse, it’s often easier said than done. To find evidence of abuse and recognize signs of traumatic attachment, try the following: Keep a journal. Writing down things that happened each day can help you identify patterns and identify issues with behaviors that might not have seemed abusive at the moment. If abuse happens, write down what happened and if your partner said anything afterwards to apologize. See the Relationship from a Different Perspective Imagine reading a book about your relationship. It’s often easier to examine negative events when you have a degree of detachment. Pay attention to the little details that make you uncomfortable or stop you. Do they feel healthy to you? Talk to loved ones Opening up about abuse isn’t easy. You may have gotten angry or dismissed friends and family when they raised concerns in the past. Yet loved ones can provide an essential perspective. Challenge yourself to listen and make a real effort to consider the accuracy of their observations. Avoid Self Blame Believing that you caused or caused the abuse can make it more difficult to exercise your autonomy and keep you in the relationship effectively. Remind yourself that abuse is never your fault, no matter what you did or didn’t do

how much you fear loneliness or life without it

How many times have you returned? You deserve better. Replacing self-criticism and blame with affirmations and positive self-talk can help that truth begin to take hold. Cut Contact Completely Once you have made the decision to leave, break the cycle completely by ceasing all communication. If you’re co-parenting, this may not be possible, but a therapist can help you create a plan to maintain only the necessary contact. Create physical distance by finding a safe place to be, e.g. B. with a relative or friend. Also, if possible, consider changing your phone number and email address. If you can’t, block them completely. You may get through with a new number but ignore those messages and calls. They might insist they change, go to therapy, do anything as long as you just come back. These promises can seem quite tempting. However, remember how many times they have already promised to change. Get Professional Help While there are steps you can take yourself to weaken the trauma bond, those bonds tend to be strong. Without professional support, you may not find it easy to break free, and that is perfectly normal. A therapist can teach you more about the patterns of abuse that foster trauma bonding, and this insight can often provide a great deal of clarity. In therapy you can also: Explore factors that promote bonding

work on setting boundaries

Learn skills for building healthy relationships

Face self-criticism and self-blame

develop a self-help plan

Treat mental health symptoms associated with long-term trauma and abuse. It is generally recommended to work with a trauma-informed therapist. Professionals who specialize in identifying and treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly complex PTSD and the aftermath of abuse, can often have the greatest impact on people working to overcome that specific trauma.

Additional Support Resources If you need help recognizing abuse, exiting an abusive situation, or beginning the healing process after leaving an abusive partner, these resources can provide a place to start: Love Is Respect has resources specifically for people developed between the ages of 13 and 26 .

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233 or via chat. The organization also offers a guide to creating a safety plan.

Exploitative relationships create treason bonds. These occur when a victim associates with someone who is destructive towards him or her. So the hostage becomes the hostage-taker’s advocate, the incest victim covers up for the parent, and the exploited employee fails to expose the boss’s misconduct. Dr Patrick Carnes

“Why didn’t he or she just leave?” is a question that makes many abuse victims cringe, and with good reason. Even after years of research into the effects of trauma and abuse, and the fact that abuse victims often return to their abuser an average of seven times before finally leaving, society still doesn’t seem to understand the powerful effects of trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement in one abusive relationship.

according to dr Logan (2018) shows trauma bonding in every relationship, the bond that defies logic and is very difficult to break. The components necessary for trauma bond formation are a power differential, intermittent good and bad treatment, {as well as} high periods of arousal and bonding.

Trauma bonding is a bond that develops when two people share intense, risky emotional experiences together. In the context of an abusive relationship, this bond is strengthened due to the increased intimacy and danger. Much like how Stockholm Syndrome manifests itself, the abuse victim connects with his or her abuser as a source of terror and comfort in an attempt to survive the turbulent relationship. As a result, victims of abuse feel a misplaced, unwavering sense of loyalty and devotion to their abusers that may seem nonsensical to an outsider.

like dr Patrick writes in his book The Betrayal Bond, trauma bonding is particularly intense in situations where there are repeated cycles of abuse, a desire to save the abuser, and the presence of seduction and betrayal. He writes:

“Anyone outside sees the obvious. All of these relationships involve an insane loyalty or attachment. They share exploitation, fear and danger. They also have elements of kindness, nobility, and righteousness. These are all people who want to keep or want to keep in touch with people who are cheating on them. Emotional pain, dire consequences, and even the prospect of death cannot stop their caring or commitment. Clinicians call this traumatic attachment. This means that victims have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs when faced with danger, shame, or exploitation. Often there is deception, deception or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk.”

The role of intermittent reinforcement in trauma bonding

Intermittent reinforcement (related to psychological abuse) is a pattern of cruel, callous treatment mixed with random outbursts of affection. The abuser distributes rewards such as affection, a compliment, or gifts sporadically and unpredictably throughout the abuse cycle. Think of the abusive husband who gives his wife flowers after assaulting her, or the kind words an abusive mother gives her child after particularly harsh silent treatment.

Intermittent reinforcement results in the victim constantly seeking the abuser’s approval while settling for the crumbs of their occasional positive behavior in hopes that the abuser will return to the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Like a slot machine player, despite the massive losses, the victims are unknowingly “addicted” to playing the game for a potential win.

This manipulation tactic also causes us to become more aware of their rare positive behaviors. dr Carver describes this as the small perception of kindness. As he states in his article Love and Stockholm Syndrome:

“In threat and survival situations, we look for signs of hope, small signs that the situation might improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim a small kindness, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait on the part of the abductor, although it is also to the perpetrator’s advantage during a time of abuse) or special treatment are not only interpreted as positive, but as proof that the abuser is not all bad and can eventually correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often credited positively for not abusing their partner when, in a given situation, the partner would normally have been subjected to verbal or physical abuse.

The biochemical element

As I discuss narcissistic abuse in more detail in my books, there is also a biochemical addiction involved when it comes to intermittent reinforcement and trauma attachment. As studied by Helen Fisher (2016), love activates the same areas of the brain responsible for cocaine addiction. In difficult relationships, the effects of biochemical dependency can be even greater. When oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline are involved, the abusive nature of the relationship can strengthen rather than weaken the bond of the relationship in the brain.

For example, dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in our brain’s pleasure center. It creates reward circuits and creates associations in our brains that link our romantic partners to pleasure and even survival. The catch? Dopamine flows more easily in the brain when there is an intermittent reinforcement schedule of affection and attention, rather than a constant one (Carnell, 2012). The hot and cold behavior of a toxic relationship actually worsens, rather than deters, our dangerous attachment to our abusers — creating an addiction not dissimilar to drug addiction.

This is just one of the ways the brain is affected by abuse. So imagine how difficult it can be for a traumatized person to break the bond.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship that you can’t seem to get out of, you are likely experiencing a phenomenon known as trauma attachment. A trauma attachment is a psychological response that occurs when an abused person develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. Trauma bonds can arise in any situation where one person exploits another and is not limited to romantic relationships¹.

Trauma attachments aren’t just a challenging relationship: they’re deeply rooted in our basic need for attachment and security. The abuser wields tremendous power and controls this connection with shame and embarrassment, making it impossible for his abused partner to leave.

If you are stuck in a trauma bondage or are struggling to move on after a trauma bondage relationship ends, there are steps you can take to break free and find healing. You can unlearn the coping mechanisms you developed to survive, learn new techniques, heal the trauma, and break the ties that hold you tight.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an unhealthy connection between an abuser and the abused person. Trauma attachments can occur in a family system, in the workplace, and even in religious groups, but we most commonly associate trauma attachments with toxic romantic relationships. The connection that develops in trauma attachment results from a psychological response to abuse where, over time, the abused person begins to develop sympathy or even affection for their abuser.

Trauma attachments are believed to be the result of unhealthy attachments. As humans, we are hardwired to form bonds with people we see as defenders, protectors, or nurturers in order to survive. Children form bonds with their parents or caregivers, and as adults we form bonds with people we see as sources of support, comfort, and security. The emotional need to stay can be intense when the abuser is also the comforter or caregiver (as with a romantic partner). It becomes difficult to separate love from a trauma bond.

The Science Behind Trauma Bonds

Trauma attachment is more than just an emotional attachment; biological mechanisms at work make these bonds even stronger. When we begin to connect with someone, our brain releases a neurotransmitter called oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “love hormone”². It’s the same hormone released during the birth process, sexual intimacy, and falling in love. Several brain imaging studies have found that the adult brain undergoes specific changes associated with attachment and separation³.

Early experiences also shape the way we connect or connect with others. If we develop unhealthy attachment styles at a young age, these patterns can be repeated over and over in other relationships, leading to a process of revictimization and relationship dysfunction.

The difference between trauma attachment and codependency

Trauma bonding and codependency are similar but differ in the focus of behavior. However, both can exist in the same relationship.

Trauma attachment is rooted in a desperate need to continue the relationship. In a way, it resembles an addiction to the relationship with the abuser. This focus can become so intense that despite the abuse or betrayal, you fail to see that the relationship is unhealthy.

Codependency focuses more on the addiction to taking care of the other person and putting their needs ahead of your own. In a codependent relationship, a person cannot be happy unless they support their partner at all costs, including their own safety and well-being. This behavior often allows the other partner to continue abusive or destructive behaviors with the codependent person.

Love versus trauma attachment

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference between true love and traumatic attachment, especially if you have experienced early trauma and unhealthy attachments. In short, trauma-bound relationships are based on power and control. Loving relationships are based on mutual respect and do not involve abuse, violence, or intimidation.

Healthy loving relationships include⁴:

Physical and Emotional Security

Mutual respect

trust

honesty

Accountability and responsibility for one’s own actions

Healthy Boundaries

Communicative and willing to solve problems together

Unhealthy relationships connected by trauma can include⁴:

intimidation

Emotional abuse, possible physical abuse

Isolation from friends and family

Deny, minimize and blame

Control over decisions and/or finances

threats and coercion

bad borders

mistrust

How to heal from a trauma bondage

Anyone in an abusive relationship can form a traumatic bond with their abuser. If you experienced childhood trauma, you may be more vulnerable to these types of attachments. Your coping skills evolved over time and they eventually protected you. It will take time to unlearn those strategies that no longer serve you and to learn new techniques and tools. The important thing to know is that you can heal your trauma and learn better ways to cope. It takes time and it needs specialized help.

It is difficult to look at one’s own trauma objectively and be realistic about one’s coping patterns. It’s not that you don’t know something isn’t working. On the contrary, you know it well and feel it intensely. What you cannot do on your own is separate the emotion from the behavior. In short, you are emotionally too close to him. That’s where help comes in.

Healing from trauma is not an easy task to tick off a to-do list. Rather, healing from trauma is a process that happens over time and with patience and great care. You must unravel your past and where it all began. This type of healing requires specialized, trauma-informed care from a therapist who understands the complexities of trauma responses. A therapist can help you process your experience and address your emotional connection to your abuser without shame or judgment.

There is no single “therapy” for treating trauma attachments. Rather, there are a variety of trauma-focused therapies that are effective in helping trauma survivors, and these therapies can be used to heal trauma attachments. A doctor can help you move forward with a combination of the following therapeutic approaches.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) focuses on exploring how thoughts and feelings affect behavior and finding ways to change negative thought patterns. This process helps change behavioral responses and develop more effective ways of overcoming challenges. Trauma-focused CBT (tf-CBT) is a specialized, evidence-based form of CBT that specifically addresses the impact of traumatic events.

Dialectical behavioral therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is often used to treat trauma. It’s similar to CBT, but DBT goes one step further and empowers people to change their behavior patterns. DBT strategies like mindfulness, communication, stress tolerance, and emotion regulation can help you learn better ways to manage your emotional responses to stressful situations so you can make choices that are healthy for you.

Trauma Bond Interventions

Aside from professional support, here are some steps you can take yourself to break out of a traumatic attachment relationship:

educate yourself

Learn how to spot the signs of unhealthy or abusive relationships. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like so you can differentiate between the two.

Concentrate on the here and now

Focusing on the present allows you to see the relationship and the abusive person as they are now. Hoping things will be different or remembering the “good times” minimizes present dangers and makes staying in the relationship enticing.

Make room

Sometimes you can be so close to a situation that you can’t see it clearly. Step back and distance yourself from the abusive person so you can see the relationship for what it is. Space creates clarity.

find support

Consider joining a support group. A support group provides you with a place to be open about your experiences and to listen to the experiences of others. Hearing from others who have been through a similar situation can help you realize that you are not alone in your experience.

Practice good self-care

Self-care includes activities that reduce stress and promote physical and emotional well-being. These activities are nourishing, fulfilling, and healthy. Good self-care helps reduce stress, build self-love, and learn to rely on yourself instead of turning to an abusive partner. Some examples of self-care can be:

exercise

write diary

Engage in a hobby or activity that you enjoy

listen to music

Relaxation practices such as yoga, meditation or tai chi

Get a good, restful sleep

eat well

Spending time with trusted friends and family

Make future plans

Think about what you want your future to look like. Allow yourself to envision more for yourself and make plans to make that future a reality.

Develop healthy relationships

Allow yourself to connect with people who are emotionally and physically safe. Practice healthy communication and stand up for yourself. Experiencing healthy relationships helps strengthen your ability to form healthy bonds.

Give yourself permission to heal

You deserve health and happiness. Wanting these things is not selfish. Healing begins with giving yourself permission to do what you need to do to participate in the healing process. You are allowed to grow and move away from environments and relationships that do not serve you.

be nice to yourself

Being in an abusive relationship can be devastating to your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself. Remind yourself often that you have many positive qualities and that you deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself when you stumble. You’re learning a new way of life, and that takes time.

Professional support for healing trauma bonds

When dealing with trauma attachment issues, you don’t have to go it alone. There is help and hope for a fuller, more joyful life without fear.

Our trauma experts can help you take the next step toward healing and recovery. Nestled in the beautiful Rocky Mountains, All Points North Lodge offers a luxurious rehab experience with the perfect environment for healing, personal growth and recovery. Using evidence-based, client-centric treatment approaches, our team of clinicians have the expertise to guide you through treatment and recovery. We also have a robust telemedicine program so you can get the support you need from anywhere in the world.

To learn more about what to expect from your customized treatment plan, contact one of our Contact Center team members at 855-510-4585 or via . Let us help you reclaim your voice and find your way forward.

Relation:

Zopi, Lois. “What is Trauma Bonding?” Edited by Jacquelyn Johnson, Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 11/26/2020, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding. Olff, Miranda et al. “The Role of Oxytocin in Social Bonding, Stress Regulation, and Mental Health: An Update on the Moderating Effects of Context and Interindividual Differences.” Science Direct, Elsevier, 12 July 2013, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453013002369. van der Watt, A.S.J., et al. “Functional neuroimaging of adult-to-adult separation, rejection, and loss of romantic attachments: A systematic review – Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings.” SpringerLink, Springer US, January 3, 2021, https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10880-020-09757-x. “Healthy Relationships.” The Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline, https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/.

Reviewed by Emmeline Massey MSW, LSW

We develop bonds for survival in childhood, usually with our caregiver as the basis of the bond.

When our safety is threatened in any way, we turn to our caregiver for support and protection.

These types of relationships are so difficult to heal.

The damage done puts you in a state of confusion, you had no idea the abuse was taking place; and like the Chinese water torture, it happened very slowly and drove you insane!

During the relationship you told everyone how amazing they were; When it ended, they didn’t understand what happened either.

They may ask you “what happened, you were so happy” and you don’t know.

In a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, CONNECTION takes place during the ABUSE CYCLE.

Bonding occurs in most relationships, but it’s one-sided and it’s trauma bonding.

Patrick Carnes developed the term TRAUMA BONDING as “The misuse of fear, arousal, sexual feelings and sexual physiology to involve another person” during his work with sexual addiction.

Bonding is a process that makes people more important to each other, we develop bonds for survival and it is the basis of bonding.

This is why TEAMBUILDING exercises use BONDING SCENARIOS AND TECHNIQUES. It helps instill trust in each member of the team, bonds are formed during activities that are unique to the individual.

If our security is threatened in any way, we turn to our team for support and protection, and these bonds can be made within hours.

People who have experienced a traumatic situation together always have a survival bond. I saw the film Sully, Tom Hanks plays the pilot who successfully landed a plane on the Hudson River in New York after a bird strike destroyed both engines. The crew made sure that the passengers got off the plane safely and waited with them on the wings and on the watercraft for rescue.

Never in the history of aviation has a passenger plane been known to survive such a landing. At the end of the film they show footage of the plane in a hangar, the pilot Chesley Sullenberger was with the crew, meeting the passengers and their families, during his speech he says “because of the events of January 15, 2009, we will be in our hearts and thoughts to be united”.

Bonding is a very strong connection, it gets stronger when we spend time with someone.

Bonds grow stronger when we love each other and when we have children together.

Bonding becomes stronger when you are together in a stressful situation or when times are tough.

And trauma bonding is why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship.

Trauma bonding makes it difficult to enforce boundaries and makes it difficult to stay away from people we’ve bonded with.

The brain controls the body, and during the very dangerous LOVE BOMBING phase it has received a lot of oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Also known as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” that is released when people connect socially, it can also be released when you play with your dog.

Oxytocin plays a major role during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. The release of oxytocin causes the contractions during labor, softening the neck of the cervix and then helping the uterus to contract after childbirth. When the baby suckles at the breast, the stimulation releases oxytocin, which promotes mother-child bonding.

Oxytocin reduces stress and creates a feeling of calm and closeness. In a romantic relationship, your brain releases oxytocin with physical contact, cuddling, or sex; it’s released when someone shows they trust you, and sometimes even just by talking.

Strong bonds are created early in the relationship, and when they begin to devalue you, it causes great pain and confusion.

When the relationship ends, the bond is so strong and the withdrawal so painful that you look for ways to get the relationship back and get back to where you were when the relationship started.

A toxic relationship is about power and control.

During the IDEALIZATION phase, they position themselves as caregivers, showering you with attention, gifts, meals, day trips, and generating a love you may have never experienced before.

Once hooked on your drug of choice, THEM, they start introducing situations that release stress hormones, they do so with mild knockdowns and create drama and jealousy. When they threaten your safety through their behavior, turn to them, the perpetrator, for help and protection through the bond created. Then you rationalize their behavior into believing that they care about you, release more oxytocin, and create more bonds; That’s why you are so connected to them and when it’s over you have a really hard time imagining life without them.

This pain is very REAL!

Cruel and twisted, isn’t it…

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, the best and most obvious thing to do is to leave. But sometimes that’s easier said than done. When you’re in a trauma bondage, therapists say that leaving that situation makes it even more difficult.

“A trauma bond is an intense emotional bond between people that usually forms as a result of a toxic or abusive dynamic,” Samantha Waldman, MHC, a NYC-based therapist specializing in trauma and relationships, tells Bustle.

A past history of abuse or exposure to it can lead a person to form more traumatic attachments. For example, people who have experienced some form of neglect or abuse since childhood may normalize that behavior as adults because they “learned” it.

like dr Connie Omari, clinician and owner of Tech Talk Therapy, tells Bustle, trauma bonding involves a person’s tendency to connect with others based on the needs of their own traumatic experiences. “Because trauma involves an unmet emotional or psychological need, the relationship serves to meet that need, even if it’s inappropriate,” she says. “It looks very dysfunctional and typically involves one or more forms of abuse.”

These bonds are not limited to romantic relationships. You can form a trauma bond with friends, family members, and even co-workers. When you are in a trauma bondage, you will feel a constant attraction to someone even though they are causing you significant pain.

It’s easy to confuse unconditional love with something more toxic, like a trauma bond. Here are some signs you might be in a traumatic attachment with a toxic person, according to experts.

1 ‘crumbs’ of love and affection make your day Ashley Batz/Bustle “When we find ourselves in relationships where we hunger for love and support, small and rare instances of affection can result in what some call ‘crumbs of love.’ “feeling deceptively satisfying,” says Waldman. For example, if a toxic person normally belittles their partner, a compliment from them would feel meaningful and special. The “affection-starved” partner would then cling to those particular instances in the hope that They’re going to experience it again. Those little crumbs of affection basically keep them hooked.

2 There’s a Predator-Prey Dynamic in Your Relationship Ashley Batz/Bustle A relationship built on a traumatic bond usually resembles a game of ‘prey and prey’. According to Dr, exploiting the vulnerable person’s need for connection. Because of this, there may be some form of abuse in the relationship, such as psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or financial manipulation. “The abused person may or may not even be aware of the abuse.” Omari says, “But they will keep the relationship going because they mistakenly think it satisfies their need for connection, no matter how unhealthy it is.”

3 You secretly crave the drama that stirs up your relationship “Recent research shows that bonding actually happens because we can become addicted to the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster our abuser put us on,” Kati Morton , LMFT, licensed therapist and author of Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health, tells Bustle. Even if the abuse is bad, the love and attention you get afterwards feels so good you forget. According to Morton, your brain can become so used to these “emotional ebbs and flows” that it starts craving them. “The rush of the stress hormone cortisol and a rush of the feel-good chemical dopamine can trigger the reward center in our brains, which can lead you to believe you’re in love with your abuser,” she says. This is more likely to happen when you are younger or less mature.

4 You Feel Like You Can’t Leave Them Andrew Zaeh for Hustle When you’re in a traumatic attachment, you feel stuck in the relationship and don’t see a way out. According to Morton, if you try to leave, you will feel a strong longing to see that person again. “The pain of that longing will always bring you back,” she says. While it may be difficult, it might be worth speaking to a professional or a loved one to help you out of the relationship.

5. They worry about doing things that might upset them. Andrew Zaeh When it comes to abuse, you might be walking on eggshells around it. According to Morton, a key sign of trauma attachment is a concern that you might do or say something to trigger it. Even if you know that person is doing hurtful things to you, it’s difficult to leave because you’re afraid that they might hurt not only you but themselves. Again, talking to a professional or your loved ones can help you get out of this situation safely.

6 You stay because you feel your partner is the only one who can meet your needs. Andrew Zaeh for Bustle Trauma Bonding can feel like love because you’re so attached to that person no matter what they do to you. But like Dr. Omari says it’s very different. “The motivation for a trauma is to serve the unmet need of the affected victim,” she says. You become so attached to this person that you feel like you have nowhere else to get your needs met. They are validated by your partner’s “approval”.

After receiving support from psychotherapy or life coaching, people often find an explanation for behaviors that they have struggled with throughout their lives. For example, a codependent person may recognize that their relationships have similar patterns, yet still feel that breaking these destructive cycles is impossible. By working with a psychotherapist or life coach familiar with codependent thoughts and behaviors, these devastating patterns can be changed for a sustainable, positive future.

The trauma bond

Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which people held captive develop feelings of trust or even affection for the very people they have captured and held against their will. This type of survival strategy can also occur in a relationship. It’s called trauma attachment and can occur when a person is in a relationship with a narcissist.

Within a trauma bondage, the narcissist’s partner — who often has codependency issues — feels loved and cared for first. However, this begins to erode over time, and the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse takes over the relationship.

The codependent understands the change but not why it is occurring. They believe all they have to do is understand what they’re doing wrong to bring the loving part of the relationship back.

If they manage to break free, all the narcissist has to do is return to that courtship stage to win them back. The more the codependent asks the narcissist for love, approval, and approval, the more the trauma bond is strengthened. It also means that if the abuse escalates, the codependent stays in the relationship, creating a destructive cycle.

Breaking out

Professional help in the form of psychotherapy and life coaching is always highly recommended. Not only is he or she a trustworthy, safe person to talk to, but a professional can help the individual develop effective strategies, such as:

Separation. Separation from the narcissistic abuser is key. This means physical and emotional separation, although the physical side of the separation is much simpler.

recognition of their own choice. Exploring the relationship through coaching or therapy to see gaslighting, emotional abuse, criticism, control, and the addictive aspects of the relationship is hard work, but it also provides the codependent with an opportunity to recognize, acknowledge, and empower their own Make positive decisions to get away and avoid being held as an emotional prisoner in the relationship.

Building a support network. Just as the codependent works to get away and become emotionally free from trauma attachments and abuse, the narcissist works to bring the codependent back under their control. It is important for codependents to build a network of professionals, friends, and trusted family members who understand their goals and are active, positive, and compassionate there to support them on their journey forward.

In addition to this work, learning to recognize narcissistic and abusive behavior patterns is a crucial part of not only healing but also avoiding these types of relationships in the future.

What doesn’t kill us can make us stronger as a group, according to new research published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

Research suggests that despite its discomfort, pain can actually have positive social outcomes, as it acts as a kind of “social glue” that promotes cohesion and solidarity within groups:

“Our results show that pain is a particularly powerful component in creating bonding and collaboration between people who share painful experiences,” says psychologist and lead researcher Brock Bastian of the University of New South Wales in Australia. “The findings shed light on why camaraderie can develop between soldiers or others sharing difficult and painful experiences.”

Bastian and his colleagues Jolanda Jetten and Laura J. Ferris from the University of Queensland investigated the link between pain and social bonding in a series of experiments with undergraduate students.

In the first experiment, the researchers randomly assigned 54 students to perform either a painful task or a similar, relatively painless task in small groups. The students dipped their hand in a bucket of water and were given the task of locating metal balls in the water and placing them in a small underwater container. The water was painfully cold for some, while for others it was room temperature.

A second task required students to either perform an upright wall squat (which is usually painful) or balance on one leg, with the option of switching legs and using balancing aids to avoid fatigue.

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Students then rated statements designed to measure how they felt about their group (e.g., “I feel part of this group of participants,” “I feel loyal to the other participants”).

The students who performed the painful tasks and those who performed the painless tasks showed no difference in positive or negative emotion.

However, they showed significant differences in group attachment: Students who performed the painful tasks reported higher levels of attachment than those who performed the pain-free versions, even after the researchers adjusted for the age, gender, and size of the participants in the group.

And the researchers found that shared pain not only increases feelings of solidarity, but can also encourage actual group collaboration.

In an experiment with a different group of students, each group played a game involving choosing numbers between 1 and 7 – if everyone in the group chose 7, they would get the highest payout. But if they chose other numbers, those who chose lower numbers would get a bigger payout. The researchers found that students who completed painful tasks as a group tended to select higher numbers than those who completed the painless tasks, suggesting they were more motivated to collaborate with the group.

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“This result puts the hypothesis ‘pain as social glue’ to a severe test and underlines that people not only feel closer to others, but are also willing to risk their own results for the benefit of the group,” says Bastian.

Shared pain even increased cooperation when the painful task was to eat a very hot bird’s eye chili pepper.

The researchers note that the randomly assigned groups did not reflect any common identity other than their task-related experiences. The pain experienced by some students appeared to serve a unique causal function, drawing students’ attention to shared pain and ultimately promoting group cohesion.

These findings provide insight into many social, religious, and even sexual practices around the world that involve some level of pain. However, the researchers argue that the findings may be relevant to many of our everyday experiences in a much broader sense:

“These kinds of painful experiences can be relatively common,” notes Bastian. “Our findings may therefore have implications for understanding social processes that are exhibited in settings such as boot camp-style physical training programs, team sports, leadership challenges, and other physically challenging experiences shared with others.” Sharing a spicy meal with friends can even have positive social consequences!”

A trauma bond is a very deep emotional bond between two people that is formed through emotional and/or physical abuse. A trauma bondage is very difficult to break, so we did a study of 431 narcissistic abuse survivors to find the 11 most effective ways to break a trauma bondage, and that’s what we found.

An 11-step program for breaking a trauma bond created by 431 survivors

Learn Everything There Is To Know About Narcissistic Abuse Make Sure You Take Care Of Yourself. Keep a journal to avoid confusion. Learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist. Make sure you live in the present Radical acceptance Find a good support group Find a qualified therapist Don’t associate with the narcissist in your life. Know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships

Before we dive into all eleven of these steps, let’s make sure you know everything you need to know about trauma bonding so you have a full understanding of why each of this advice works.

How do you know if you are in a trauma attachment relationship?

It is very unlikely that you can know that you are in a traumatic attachment relationship without having some level of acknowledgment that what you are experiencing is abuse. You can read more about the warning signs in our article What Are the Signs of a Traumatic Attachment Relationship, but three of the biggest are apology, neglect of one’s well-being, and self-doubt and/or self-blame.

Justifying the Abuse You Experience What makes escaping narcissistic relationships so difficult is that they aren’t always abusive. We’ll talk about this later in this article, but narcissists are very good at strategically using moments of empathy and compassion to manipulate their victims into rationalizing, normalizing, and justifying staying in the abusive relationship.

A man in a red shirt justifying the abuse he suffers because his wife pulled him back into the relationship with temporary reinforcement.

Neglecting your own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs Narcissists have a variety of manipulative tactics aimed at silencing you through guilt, fear, and shame. Gaslighting with ultimatums, for example, is when a narcissist forces you to stand up for yourself or set boundaries to associate with fear. You do this by saying things like, “If you bring that up again, I will (blank) do it.” Over time, you decide that you’d rather be silent than face your anger, every time You set a limit or stand up for yourself. Another way a narcissist will force you to neglect your own thoughts, feelings, needs, and emotions is by gaslighting you through minimization. They do this by accompanying their statements with comments such as “You are too sensitive” or “Will you seriously complain if the world goes hungry?” Gaslighting through minimization makes you feel selfish for standing up for yourself or setting a limit.

A man in a green shirt neglecting his own feelings because of his girlfriend’s narcissistic behavior.

Having a significant amount of self-doubt and self-blame Similar to the previous example, narcissists have many tactics designed to consume you in a wave of self-doubt and self-blame. For example, traditional gaslighting is designed to erode your emotional stability to the point that you doubt your own perception of reality. With statements like the following combined with the many other manipulative tactics narcissists employ, you will find yourself constantly doubting and blaming yourself. That never happened. You’re crazy and everyone else thinks so too. Is that really how you remember it? You have a terrible memory!

A woman in a maroon shirt who doubts and blames herself because her narcissistic boyfriend sets her on fire.

An 11-step program for breaking a trauma bond created by 431 survivors

This 11-step program for breaking a trauma bond was created with the guidance of 431 survivors of narcissistic abuse, some of whom have gone on to become therapists, psychologists and domestic violence advocates themselves.

I would like to emphasize that every healing journey will be different and these eleven steps should in no way be used as a substitute for personalized therapeutic guidance.

Against this background, we are always looking for new Unfilteredd participants for our program. Their stories and experiences are what drives this website. So don’t hesitate to click here for more information!

1.) Learn all about narcissistic abuse

The best defense against narcissistic abuse is knowledge. The importance of being able to recognize narcissistic behavior patterns as they unfold is immeasurable.

When you are able to recognize narcissistic behavior patterns, deal with narcissistic abuse, and fully understand the hidden aspects of narcissism, you can take control of your emotional stability and identity.

When you learn about narcissism, you learn that the limitations they have placed on you are only as real as you let them be! A good place to start would be to read our article What are the three biggest things that cause trauma attachments, because the first step to breaking a trauma attachment is to identify how it formed in the first place.

A girl learning about narcissistic abuse

2.) Make sure you take care of yourself

Let’s talk about the egocentricity of a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse revolves around a narcissist’s need for narcissistic care. You can learn more about the different forms of narcissistic supply in our article What Is Narcissistic Supply and Why Do You Need It So Badly, but for now let’s focus on attention.

Narcissists feel entitled to your undivided attention. This pattern of behavior manifests in their need to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with. It shows in their jealousy and paranoia towards other people and so on.

You may be aware that this type of behavior makes you very isolating, but what often goes under your radar is the fact that it makes you neglect your health.

5 Common Health-Related Issues That Can Be Neglected Due To Narcissistic Abuse:

Preventive Health Care Preventive health care includes things like cancer screening, diabetes screening, cholesterol testing, mental health screening, blood pressure testing, visits to healthy children, STI screening, and routine vaccinations.

Medication Compliance The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) explains: “Medication adherence, or taking medication correctly, is generally defined as the extent to which patients take medication as prescribed by their physicians. This includes factors such as filling prescriptions, remembering to take medication on time, and understanding directions.”

Daily Preventative Behaviors These are things you should do daily to stay healthy. Given the current situation with the pandemic, daily preventive behaviors relate to things like washing hands, social distancing, wearing a mask in public, minimizing the number of times you touch your face, coughing/sneezing responsibly, using hand sanitizer, and so on .

Daily Practices These are small things you do every day to acknowledge the things that are important to you. This could be journaling, going for a walk, yoga, reading, spending time with your kids, watching your favorite TV show/movie, avoiding alcohol and other substances, learning something new, and so on.

Safe sex Safe sex is always encouraged, but guilty people are notorious for exposing their partners to high health risks via STIs, so be sure to practice safe sex if you find out your partner has cheated.

Remember, these are ALL things a narcissist will do for themselves. In fact, you can almost guarantee it because narcissists are afraid of the things that come with age. Read our article Do Narcissists Get Worse As They Age: Aging Narcissism to better understand what I am referring to.

Still, it’s so important that you learn to take care of yourself again. You may not neglect every single item on the lists above, but due to the intensity of narcissistic abuse, it is likely that at least one of the items on the lists has been neglected.

The best way to ensure you’re taking care of yourself is to be proactive. The narcissist in your life will not deviate from their self-centered agenda just to help you take care of yourself. You have to be proactive.

4 ways you can start being proactive

If your destination is within reasonable distance, go there instead of relying on the narcissist for the car.

Make sure others in your life drive you to your appointments.

Find ways to do daily exercises and daily preventative behaviors around the narcissist’s schedule.

Remind yourself daily that nobody is responsible for your health but you!

Use alarms to remind you what to do to take care of yourself.

3.) Keep a journal to avoid confusion

As you prepare to break a trauma bondage, you can expect to feel guilt, shame, fear, and doubt simply because narcissistic behavior patterns are designed to make you feel that way.

The moment you implement everything you’ve learned about narcissistic abuse with a narcissist, they will try to manipulate you into letting go of your vigilance.

They will pretend they have changed, they will yell at you until their face turns blue, they will try to play the victim with friends and family, they will even have the audacity to threaten to leave the relationship. As I said before, nobody is perfect and we are all destined to make mistakes.

It’s normal to be overcome with self-doubt and self-blame when making changes in a narcissistic relationship. That being said, it’s important that you acknowledge that what you are experiencing is abuse and that the narcissist in your life is not going to change.

This is where keeping a diary comes in handy…

Narcissists are very, very good at minimizing their behavior to the point where they start using rationalizations and justifications to normalize their behavior.

If you kept a journal, writing down every time they crossed one of your boundaries, abused you, or otherwise made you uncomfortable, you would be a lot less justifying their behavior because you wrote the truth down.

A woman looking at her notes to remind herself of how abusive her partner is.

4.) Learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist

Learning how to set boundaries for the narcissist in their life is immeasurably important. Learning how to set boundaries protects you from manipulation because it teaches you to focus on the narcissist’s behavior patterns rather than their words and how to take your time in making decisions.

Narcissistic abuse is meant to shut you up. When it comes to manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, stonewalling, narcissistic rage, projection, and scapegoating, it is very, very common for those who have suffered narcissistic abuse to feel uncomfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns for fear of their reaction offender.

A woman in a red dress clearly marking her boundaries while her narcissistic father looks on.

Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is a really important skill to master because it will teach you how to feel comfortable using your voice again.

4 Boundaries You Could Set With The Narcissist In Your Life

Refuse to take the blame. One of the reasons narcissistic abuse is so harmful is that they are masters at shifting the blame. They create a pervasive environment of self-doubt and self-blame to make you chronically apologize for things you didn’t do. It’s one of the ways narcissists protect their fake identities from contradiction. Work on becoming comfortable with asking for space. Narcissistic abuse is intense, isolating, and fast-paced. They don’t want you to consult with other people about their behavior, and they don’t want you to think about what’s happening. Asking for space gives you a chance to think about what happened before they manipulate you into repressing it in your psyche. Understand that you have the right to change your mind. Listen, nobody’s perfect, you’re most likely going to cave in on at least one of the limits you’ve set. It’s perfectly normal because it’s a new skill that you need to practice. The important thing is that when you step outside of one of your limits, you feel comfortable changing your mind. You are the only one who can determine what happens in your life, remember! You have the right to express sexual boundaries. A narcissist’s need for power, dominance, and control is one of the main reasons sadism is often associated with people who have narcissistic personalities. For your safety and emotional stability, make sure to express sexual boundaries with the narcissist in your life when necessary.

5.) Make sure you live in the present

Living in the present is another way you can avoid normalizing, rationalizing, and justifying the abuse in your life. The difficult thing about escaping the cycle of narcissistic abuse is that narcissists have four very powerful techniques designed to manipulate your sense of hope: future faking, intermittent reinforcement, typing, and vacuuming.

I’m sure you have a sense of what future faking, intermittent amplification, and vacuuming is all about, but the term typecasting might be something you’re unfamiliar with. Well, we had the privilege of working with Dr. Kerry McAvoy Ph.D. to give you the opportunity to get a full understanding of what typecasting is exactly.

Back to the Love Bombing section: Mirroring is a big part of the Love Bombing phase. It’s when a narcissist gathers an insane amount of information about you. It feels like they know you better than anyone else. Well, instead of using this information to have a healthy relationship, they use it to manipulate you.

When it comes to keeping you under their control, a narcissist’s brain becomes an encyclopedia of information about you that they can use to manipulate you. They won’t remember anything about you during the relationship, but the moment you’re about to leave, they’ll revert back to your Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.

If you make sure you live in the present and don’t believe what they say or do while sucking, faking the future, or using intermittent reinforcement, you’ll be much better able to acknowledge that what you’re experiencing is abuse and escaping the trauma attachment relationship.

A depiction of a woman living in the present, ignoring her narcissistic partner’s attempts to pull her back into the relationship.

6.) Use the Gray Rock method

The most important thing to a narcissist’s well-being is the narcissistic supply, the validation and admiration they receive from others. Narcissistic supply is the fuel narcissists use to maintain their fake identity.

Using the Gray Rock method means refusing to participate in important conversations with the narcissist. You will not argue with them, you would affirm them. You will not try to defend yourself, you will remain calm and collected until you are in a safe place, away from the narcissist, to express your feelings.

A woman who remembers that using the Gray Rock Method means she won’t allow her narcissistic brother to bait her into a fight.

The Gray Rock Method actually gives you a unique opportunity to see the narcissist in your life more clearly. You will notice a steady decline in your emotional stability the longer the gray rocking continues. As her emotional stability wanes, her fake identity begins to unravel and you can clearly see her true identity.

This would be a perfect time to record everything you observe in your journal to validate your experiences. If you pay attention, you might learn some of the hidden aspects of narcissism that will put you in a better position to ensure you never get into another abusive relationship again.

7.) Learn how to use radical acceptance

In the narcissistic realm, when you let go of wanting things to be different by accepting the reality that the narcissist in your life will not change, this is known as radical acceptance. That is not easy.

For many of you, the relationship was real. At some point you may have wished for him to be a loving partner, a beloved family member, a trusted co-worker, or a best friend. In fact, the dynamics of trauma attachment are startlingly similar to addictions to illicit substances. For more information, see our article Why Does Trauma Bonding Feel Like an Addiction?

So writing someone off as permanently damaged is no easy task, but it is one of the best things you can do to break the narcissistic cycle of abuse.

Some of our participants have suggested that when using radical acceptance, you should start with small things. For example, you radically accept that arguing with the narcissist in your life is pointless before trying to radically accept that they will never change and they took a part of your life away from you that you can’t get back.

A woman sitting by a tree on a sunny day teaching herself how to use radical acceptance.

It’s important for you to understand that radical acceptance also means acknowledging that the limitations that narcissistic abuse has placed on you are only as real as you let them be. You will have to work hard to redefine yourself but trust me you have been and always will be an amazing person.

8.) Find a good support group

This is a big part of one’s healing journey! It is so important that victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse find supporters, not narcissistic enablers. Narcissistic enablers are people with a significant lack of knowledge about narcissistic behavior, so they tend to make absurd suggestions and comments because they are approaching the situation as they would in a healthy relationship.

It makes the healing journey so much more difficult because enablers could potentially be just as traumatizing as the narcissistic abuse itself. It is crucial for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse to find supporters, people who understand narcissistic behavior, or at least the victim/survivor’s perspective respect, and remove enablers.

We’ve heard time and time again from survivors of narcissistic abuse that when they confided in others about the abuse they were experiencing, it was not because they knew the abuse was wrong, but because they needed someone to validate their reality. So it’s incredibly important to find supporters who understand narcissism and won’t accidentally push you back into the arms of your abuser.

Having a support group is one of the most important things you can do to heal yourself from narcissistic abuse.

9.) Find a qualified therapist

Finding the right therapist can be really difficult as not every therapist is qualified to help those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. We have had many participants who have been gassed by their therapist for not having the qualifications to help those who have suffered from narcissistic abuse. Finding the right therapist can help you create a solid plan of action to break their trauma bond.

A woman who finds out her therapist has also experienced a narcissistic relationship and feels safe knowing she is in good hands.

There is no denying that having no contact with a narcissist is the best way to protect yourself from a narcissist, having learned about narcissistic abuse of course. But I put it towards the end because not everyone has the ability to cut the narcissist out of their life.

You may have children with you, you may not have the financial means to walk, you may not yet have acknowledged that you are experiencing abuse, and so on.

But for those of you who are in a position to go and never look back… DO IT.

Don’t expect this to be a walk in the park. This will infuriate the narcissist in your life because by cutting them off completely you contradict their sense of specialness, you take away all of their narcissistic stockpile and you release all of their suppressed emotions.

So please make sure you are in a safe place if you decide not to contact us. Have a safety plan ready and make sure you have a very, very good support group around you.

11.) Know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships

One reason victims of narcissistic abuse normalize, rationalize, and justify the abuse they so often suffer is because narcissistic abuse aims to distort perceptions of a healthy relationship.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are a repository for all of their repressed negative emotions. They will project their shame, fears, doubts, insecurities and inadequacies onto you until you start absorbing them yourself.

If you were to leave the narcissistic relationship without a clear understanding of what you were experiencing, you could very well be attracted to another abusive relationship in the future simply because it is familiar to you.

If you’re ready to learn more about the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one, read our articles How to Have a Healthy Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse or How to Know if an Attachment is Trauma or Love, where we get the stories of 431 survivors of narcissistic abuse to create a truly powerful resource you can use to find a happy and healthy relationship.

All content Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for clinical treatment – please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals to ask for help. This article has been reviewed by our editors and approved for publication in accordance with our editorial guidelines.

Recommended reading on Trauma Bonding

Can a narcissist be bonded by trauma?

How can trauma attachments be prevented?

Is trauma bonding intentional?

Why trauma bonding is not the same as Stockholm syndrome

References:

Interview with 431 survivors of narcissistic relationships

Reid JA, Haskell RA, Dillahunt-Aspillaga C, Thor JA. CONTEMPORARY REVIEW OF EMPIRICAL AND CLINICAL STUDIES ASSOCIATION OF TRAUMA IN VIOLENT OR EXPLOITIVE RELATIONSHIPS. International Journal of Psychology Research. 2013;8(1):37-73.

Strutzenberg, Claire, “Love-Bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship Formation” (2016). Human Development, Family Sciences and Rural Sociology Undergraduate Honors Theses. 1.

Breaking up with someone is especially painful if they have abused you.

Paradoxically, this can make us want them even more.

It can be about winning, trying to make amends, blaming yourself, or just seeking comfort.

It’s not necessarily a recipe for disaster, but it’s worth pondering why you’re suddenly so attracted to your ex.

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumbass, breaking up with someone is painful. If you’ve been abused in any way by your partner, letting go can be especially difficult.

Abuse like cheating in a relationship is so damaging because it comes from someone we trust.

Logic suggests that when someone treats you badly, you want to get as far away from them as possible and find someone new. However, it doesn’t always work that way. According to psychotherapist Perpetua Neo, this is because humans are not rational beings, especially when it comes to our romantic aspirations.

People don’t make rational decisions.

Neo told Business Insider that our actions don’t make sense in the first place.

“One of our main assumptions is that humans are rational beings, but we know that doesn’t happen because we do a lot of stupid things,” Neo said. “If you think about people buying things they don’t like or spending money to go out at night and then regretting it the next day and doing it all over again… you can use that as a parallel to explain something that ‘hysterical’ is called connection.'”

Hysterical bonding is an understudied term. However, it is a phenomenon that many people can identify with.

It describes what happens when someone is cheating on or broken up by their partner and they want to do whatever it takes to win back their ex’s affection. It sounds counterintuitive and paradoxical, but that’s because there are many different emotions at play.

For example, to put it simply, your partner is probably the person closest to you. When something traumatic happens, they are the person you turn to for comfort. Even though she was the person who hurt you, the experience can still draw you into her arms for comfort.

Also, finding out your partner has been unfaithful could flip a switch in your brain to suddenly see them as something incredibly attractive.

It often comes down to desire.

“One of the most obvious reasons is this whole desirability thing,” Neo said. “When someone touches your partner, you think it means they are desirable. So that can bring up very different beliefs in your mind. Your hormones are going haywire, and while before you might have hit a dead end and found them dull and boring, now you want them.”

Aside from suddenly seeing your partner as an object of desire, when someone cheats on you is a very traumatic experience.

“It’s a very terrible thing when someone cheats on you,” Neo said. “It’s going to make you feel a massive sense of betrayal and trauma. And when that happens, biological things change in you. Adrenaline, cortisol gets pumped out, your fight or flight hormones, your stress hormones, so your changing biochemistry can cause you to do irrational things.”

Neo says you could start doing things you wouldn’t normally do to cope. For example seducing your partner with adventurous sex.

There are two main forms of coping in psychology: problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping. Problem-focused coping involves actions you take to solve a problem, while emotion-focused coping is anything that makes us feel better, from talking to drinking and drugs to sex.

“Hysterical attachments can be a form of emotional coping,” Neo said. “When we’re very stressed and our whole world is out of whack, humans do a lot of very strange things.”

The person may also believe that if they use up all of their partner’s “reserves,” then they won’t have the energy or desire to look anywhere else.

It depends on what state the relationship was in before.

If the relationship was bad or toxic, or if your partner was abusive, it can be easy for the victim to blame themselves for everything that went wrong. This includes her partner cheating on her.

“You might think, ‘Because I was a prude or because I didn’t have enough sex,'” Neo said. “Suddenly… you realize that everything is dissolving and no longer working. So this could be a wake-up call to do something you would never associate with.”

In more severe cases of abusive relationships, the partner may have tricked the victim into believing that everything is their fault. Sometimes they even think that cheating is a punishment for their wrong behavior.

“It could be a form of masochism,” Neo said. “When someone abuses you, it reinforces the idea that you’re not good enough, or those words we don’t say out loud – ‘I’m worthless, I deserve to be mistreated.’ So how do you reinforce this idea? You let that person hurt you again.”

In relationships with narcissists, they are likely to be very kind and perceptive to begin with, which is partly why the victim will do whatever it takes to try and get that person back. Over time, the relationship becomes poisoned, so that the victim’s worldview has completely changed. The view they have of themselves is so distorted that they become irrational and are willing to accept blame for things that were not their fault.

“Everything is perfect during the honeymoon with a narcissist — so you want to go back to how it was,” Neo said. “You’re not crazy and delusional. It’s not a pipe dream because you’ve seen it before and you know it’s real. So when someone tells you or tries to insinuate that it’s because of your behavior that they’ve stopped being so loving, you have to work super hard, bend over backwards, pedal super hard to go back to those old days.”

Now the victim is stuck in the cycle of trying to make amends with the scammer by becoming hysterically attached to him and trying to meet his every need. But no matter how they behave, no matter how many sexual fantasies they have, the narcissist will not transform back because the person they were in the beginning was never real.

In relationships that were previously healthy and someone made a mistake, things might be different. Some therapists believe that cheating in a relationship can actually be a good thing, opening partners up to positive change.

Whatever it is, if you find yourself in this situation, it’s worth taking a step back and asking yourself why your ex suddenly looks so attractive. Then you can make sensible, considered decisions about what to do from there.

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, the best and most obvious thing to do is to leave. But sometimes that’s easier said than done. When you’re in a trauma bondage, therapists say that leaving that situation makes it even more difficult.

“A trauma bond is an intense emotional bond between people that usually forms as a result of a toxic or abusive dynamic,” Samantha Waldman, MHC, a NYC-based therapist specializing in trauma and relationships, tells Bustle.

A past history of abuse or exposure to it can lead a person to form more traumatic attachments. For example, people who have experienced some form of neglect or abuse since childhood may normalize that behavior as adults because they “learned” it.

like dr Connie Omari, clinician and owner of Tech Talk Therapy, tells Bustle, trauma bonding involves a person’s tendency to connect with others based on the needs of their own traumatic experiences. “Because trauma involves an unmet emotional or psychological need, the relationship serves to meet that need, even if it’s inappropriate,” she says. “It looks very dysfunctional and typically involves one or more forms of abuse.”

These bonds are not limited to romantic relationships. You can form a trauma bond with friends, family members, and even co-workers. When you are in a trauma bondage, you will feel a constant attraction to someone even though they are causing you significant pain.

It’s easy to confuse unconditional love with something more toxic, like a trauma bond. Here are some signs you might be in a traumatic attachment with a toxic person, according to experts.

1 ‘crumbs’ of love and affection make your day Ashley Batz/Bustle “When we find ourselves in relationships where we hunger for love and support, small and rare instances of affection can result in what some call ‘crumbs of love.’ “feeling deceptively satisfying,” says Waldman. For example, if a toxic person normally belittles their partner, a compliment from them would feel meaningful and special. The “affection-starved” partner would then cling to those particular instances in the hope that They’re going to experience it again. Those little crumbs of affection basically keep them hooked.

2 There’s a Predator-Prey Dynamic in Your Relationship Ashley Batz/Bustle A relationship built on a traumatic bond usually resembles a game of ‘prey and prey’. According to Dr, exploiting the vulnerable person’s need for connection. Because of this, there may be some form of abuse in the relationship, such as psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or financial manipulation. “The abused person may or may not even be aware of the abuse.” Omari says, “But they will keep the relationship going because they mistakenly think it satisfies their need for connection, no matter how unhealthy it is.”

3 You secretly crave the drama that stirs up your relationship “Recent research shows that bonding actually happens because we can become addicted to the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster our abuser put us on,” Kati Morton , LMFT, licensed therapist and author of Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health, tells Bustle. Even if the abuse is bad, the love and attention you get afterwards feels so good you forget. According to Morton, your brain can become so used to these “emotional ebbs and flows” that it starts craving them. “The rush of the stress hormone cortisol and a rush of the feel-good chemical dopamine can trigger the reward center in our brains, which can lead you to believe you’re in love with your abuser,” she says. This is more likely to happen when you are younger or less mature.

4 You Feel Like You Can’t Leave Them Andrew Zaeh for Hustle When you’re in a traumatic attachment, you feel stuck in the relationship and don’t see a way out. According to Morton, if you try to leave, you will feel a strong longing to see that person again. “The pain of that longing will always bring you back,” she says. While it may be difficult, it might be worth speaking to a professional or a loved one to help you out of the relationship.

5. They worry about doing things that might upset them. Andrew Zaeh When it comes to abuse, you might be walking on eggshells around it. According to Morton, a key sign of trauma attachment is a concern that you might do or say something to trigger it. Even if you know that person is doing hurtful things to you, it’s difficult to leave because you’re afraid that they might hurt not only you but themselves. Again, talking to a professional or your loved ones can help you get out of this situation safely.

6 You stay because you feel your partner is the only one who can meet your needs. Andrew Zaeh for Bustle Trauma Bonding can feel like love because you’re so attached to that person no matter what they do to you. But like Dr. Omari says it’s very different. “The motivation for a trauma is to serve the unmet need of the affected victim,” she says. You become so attached to this person that you feel like you have nowhere else to get your needs met. They are validated by your partner’s “approval”.

What is love bombing?

“Love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation used to gain power over a person by showering them with seemingly tons of affection and attention,” says Spirit, Ph.D., LPC, licensed consultant and host of OWNs Love Goals mbg. Anyone can love bombshells, but the most common abusers suffer from unhealthy attachment issues or narcissistic traits. Love bombing can appear as if someone is constantly complimenting you or wanting to be around you, making dramatic declarations of love and commitment, or bombarding you with grand gestures or expensive gifts. It can be hard to spot because it looks and feels similar to what many people want in relationships: to feel loved and adored.

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Why love bombing is a red flag.

Love bombing is considered unhealthy by many relationship experts because it makes it harder for the other person to maintain their personal boundaries. According to psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, L.P., the goal of love bombing is to make the recipient feel indebted to or dependent on the love bomber. Love bombing can sometimes be confused with the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but the two have some distinct differences. “In the honeymoon phase, love is demonstrated by a desire to focus on what the other person likes or is interested in,” Spinelli told mbg. “Gestures tend to be thoughtful and not intended to impress.” Love bombers, on the other hand, shower their partner with attention and expect approval from them and others. “Love Bombing is also about control, about dependency and idealization,” adds Spinelli. “The honeymoon phase is all about the buoyant, burgeoning feelings of a new relationship.”

Signs of love bombing.

When a partner exhibits some of these behaviors, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being love bombarded—these are just a few common signs. “First and foremost, trust your intuition when it comes to love bombing,” says Spirit. “If something feels wrong, it probably is.”

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1. They compliment you all the time.

While compliments can be flattering and thoughtful, love bombers tend to offer overwhelming compliments, like “I’ve never met anyone more beautiful than you” or “My life is complete now that you’re around.” Not only will they constantly compliment you, but Spirit says they may tempt you to reciprocate these extreme confessions of attachment.

2. They bombard you with gifts.

Because love bombers want to be recognized for their generosity and attention, they often bombard their partner with extravagant gifts. This can feel like an ideal situation at first, but will eventually lead to control, criticism, confusing behavior, or even withdrawal if they feel they aren’t getting enough appreciation for their gestures, Spinelli says. Importantly, the gifts are less about making the recipient happy and more about making them feel obligated to stay connected to the giver.

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3. The relationship feels intense and unbalanced.

Getting comfortable with someone quickly can be a good sign, but saying “I love you,” making plans to meet parents, moving in together, or getting married early can all be a sign that your partner is overconfident tries hard to get closer before he fully knows you. “Love bombing is hard and fast,” says Spinelli. “Things are going to move faster than they should, which is a huge red flag.” This is especially a reference to love bombing when the feelings aren’t mutual.

4. They expect a lot of attention.

The main goal of love bombers is to generate envy of others and gain attention and affection for themselves. When they give gifts, compliments, and an unwarranted affirmation of the relationship, they expect to be recognized, rewarded, or adored. Eventually, the gifts, attention, and compliments are replaced by gaslighting and criticism, Spinelli says.

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Other common signs:

They shower you with exaggerated gestures.

You say exactly what you want to hear.

They often use terms like “soul mates”.

They push for commitment early in the relationship.

They fret about borders.

You are very needy.

There are many PDAs, physical and digital.

You feel like you have to pedal lightly.

What to do when you think love is bombarding you

If you suspect love is bombarding you, it’s important to set clear and healthy boundaries. According to Spinelli, refusing gifts, setting limits on time spent together, and responding to overwhelming messages at your own pace are good starting points. “You can also firmly communicate that you don’t want to rush things and leave the relationship if your wishes aren’t respected,” she adds. Trust in a support system can also be crucial. Friends, family members, support groups, and licensed therapists can help you understand what kind of person you’re dealing with and how to respond appropriately, Spirit says. “If you think you’re being bombarded by love, focus on getting support for yourself, not the other person.”

The final result.