Dua To Save Marriage From Divorce? The 224 Detailed Answer

A wife must always ensure that she is following the Qur’anic paradigm while sleeping with her husband. She must be loving, understanding and kind to her husband during this act. We will discuss how to make love with your husband in Islam.

A husband and wife should have love in their hearts all their lives. You should look at some Quran verses about love.

“The most perfect believers are those of the most perfect character; and the best of you are the best of you for your spouses.” – Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban “And of His Signs is this: He created for you spouses from within yourselves that you might find rest in them, and He has love between you and mercy commanded. Please refer! verily in this are omens for a people who ponder.”

– Quran 30:21

6 Techniques To Tell You How To Make Love With Your Husband In Islam

“One of you should not satisfy his (sexual) needs like an animal from his wife, but there should be foreplay of kisses and words between them.”

– Musnad al-Firdaws of al-Daylami; 2/55

1. Be willing to serve your husband if he wishes

One of the ideal ways to make love to your husband is to serve him sexually whenever he desires. Provided you are in good health, you must accept his plea for love. Your carelessness or hesitation can be a reason to pull your husband away from you. If you, as a wife, refuse to have sexual intercourse with your husband, you will be cursed by the angels.

عَنْ أَبِي ا ا ا قَ قَ قَ رَسُوocket ا صَ صَ ا ا ا عَ عَ عَ عَ عَ عَ إِذَ ا مْرَأَتَهُ فِرَ غَضْبَ فَبَ فَبَ عَ عَ َعَنَتْهَعَ َعَنَتْهَ ا ا ا ا تُصْبِحَ (بخ بخ ،)

As narrated by Abu Hurayrah from Prophet Muhammad SAW (peace be upon him): “When a husband calls his wife to bed and she refuses and [as a result] the husband spends the night in anger, then angels curse the wife all night until dawn. ”

It is important that you understand the following –

They bound both husband and wife to preserve each other’s chastity. You and your husband should legitimately satisfy each other’s sexual urges. In order to maintain family unity and create a sustainable family, it is important for a husband and wife to protect their chastity. If either you or your husband are genuinely ill, cranky, or tired because of a mutual decision, you can refuse to meet each other’s needs. This will not incur the wrath of Allah SWT.

2. Clean yourself before and after making love

It is obligatory for you and your man to clean yourself before proceeding with lovemaking. We therefore recommend taking a shower beforehand. This ensures that you feel fresh and smell good at the same time.

Looking good is the first step to pleasing your husband. This is undoubtedly one of the best qualities any husband would be looking for.

3. Duty of foreplay before lovemaking

It is very important that you engage in foreplay during intercourse. This is especially important for the wife. Foreplay is a crucial ingredient to a happy marriage. So couples should never neglect it.

It ensures that the wishes of the man and the woman are fulfilled. The consequences of not meeting your husband and your needs throughout the marriage can be dire.

It is precisely for this reason that Prophet Muhammad forbade sexual intercourse without forms of foreplay. Spouses have every right to have sexual pleasure in lovemaking.

As stated by Imam Ibn al-Qayyim in his famous; Tibb al-Nabawi – “that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) forbade sexual intercourse before foreplay.”

– Al-Tibb Al-Nabawi, 183, from Jabir ibn Abd Allah

Islam clearly emphasizes the importance of mutual sexual gratification for partners within marriage. More importantly, in Islam it is obligatory to fulfill half of your deen through marriage.

“It is lawful for you to go to your wives on the night before (daily) fasting; they are like a garment to you, and you are like a garment to them. God is aware that you would have deprived yourself of this right, and so in his mercy he has reached out to you and removed this need from you. You can now lie skin to skin with them and make use of what God has ordained for you.”

– Quran 2:187

4. Islamic ways to make love to your husband

According to Sharia, husband and wife are allowed to simulate each other –

See

kiss

Touch

Odor

Stimulate (any part of each other’s body)

Based on Sharia ruling, “oral sex” means inserting the penis into the woman’s mouth. This can result in semen or pre-ejaculatory fluid getting into her mouth. In this case it is not allowed.

It is recommended not to use foreign objects during foreplay.

“There’s no problem as long as he uses any part of his own body on her, but he shouldn’t use anything other than his body on her.”

– by Imam ‘Ali ar-Reza (AS)

5. Intending to make love to please your husband

To be an ideal wife according to Islam, you should always aim to please your husband in everything you do. This also applies if you make love to him. It is extremely important that you take all necessary measures to please your husband.

“When a woman prays her five (prayers), fasts her month (Ramadan), keeps her chastity and obeys her husband, she is told (on the Day of Judgment): ‘Enter Jannah through one of his (eight) gates.’

– Reported by Abu Hurairah by Prophet Muhammad SAW (PBUH)

6. Wear perfume when making love

You should smell nice while sleeping with your husband. According to Sharia, it is not permissible for a woman to wear a perfume that is too fragrant. Because this could expose you to the general crowd.

You can only use perfume if you want to please your husband. You should use a perfume that triggers your man’s desires.

Actions that are strictly forbidden in lovemaking in Islam

● Sexual intercourse facing the Qibla

The direction of the Qibla is sacred to the Muslim Ummah. If you face him while praying. You cannot compare praying Salah with any other action. So you should not have sexual intercourse while facing the Qibla.

● Not accepting the husband’s request

It is unacceptable for a woman to refuse her husband’s request to make love. You should never intentionally refuse your husband’s request to make love unless you are going through your monthly menstrual cycle. It is your responsibility as the legal wife to fulfill his wishes.

● Sexual intercourse during the period

It is forbidden to make love during the period. Because this will hurt you. You should temporarily refrain from sleeping with your husband until you are clean again.

“Muslims are advised to avoid sexual intercourse during menstruation in order not to make the woman uncomfortable”

– Quran 2:222

● Making love in front of others

Making love in Islam is a private act. This is something that even the angels are not allowed to see. So you are forbidden to sleep with your husband while others in the household can hear you.

● Making love while naked

According to Islamic law, you and your husband should not be completely naked when making love. You both need to make sure that you cover yourself preferably with a blanket. It is considered a sin in Islam to make love while remaining completely naked.

● Outdoor intercourse

The process of lovemaking in Islam is a sacred and private act in Islam. So, it should only be done in your bedroom. You are forbidden to make love “in the open air”. This is an act that Allah SWT likes least.

● Performing anal intercourse

After the judgment of Yusuf al-Qaradawi. It is not permissible for your husband to refrain from anal intercourse, regardless of whether the wife consents to it.

“I strongly advise against anal intercourse”

– Maulana Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi“Woman is a means of your pleasure, so do not harm her.”

– Imam ‘Ali ar-Reza (AS)

frequently asked Questions

1. Is it lawful for a wife to refuse her husband’s demands?

When either the husband or wife refuses sex without good reason; rather, if they use it as a weapon, then it will be considered a sin in the eyes of Allah.

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira narrated that according to the Messenger (PBUH) of Allah SWT –

“If a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she rejects him and he spends the night in anger, the angels curse her until morning.”

– Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, Riyad al-Salihin, No. 281

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira narrated that according to the Messenger (PBUH) of Allah SWT –

“By the one in whose hands my life is, there is no man who calls upon his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, except that Allah gets angry with her until her husband is satisfied with her.”

– Sahih Muslim, No. 1436

Based on the above narrations from Allah SWT, this clearly means a woman’s need to obey her husband’s desires for sexual intimacy. It is considered a grave sin when the wife refuses her husband’s wishes. Especially if the husband is acting illegally as a result.

2. Is it permissible to have sexual intercourse during the nights of Ramadan?

Spouses are allowed to have sexual intercourse during Ramadan only after Iftar (sunset) and before Fajr. That means exactly when none of them are fasting.

Allah SWT mentioned –

“It is lawful for you to approach (intercourse) with your wives on the night of fasting. They are your clothes and you are their clothes. Allah knows what you used to do secretly among yourselves; but he turned to you and forgave you; So dwell with them (your wives) and seek what Allah has ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white thread of the dawn appears separated from its black thread. Then complete your fast until night appears; but do not live with your wives while retiring in the mosques. These are limits (set by) Allah. approach not near it. This is how Allah makes His signs clear to people so that they learn self-restraint.

– Sura al-Baqarah, verse: 187

In the verse mentioned above, Allah SWT clearly mentions that it is permissible for spouses to have sexual intercourse during the month of Ramadan.

3. What should I do if I miss Fajr Salah due to intimacy?

You should keep in mind that Fajr can be prayed until sunrise. So if you are planning to postpone Fajr until sunrise, then you should make it easier for your husband to do so. However, if you postpone Fajr prayer until after sunrise, it becomes Qadaa (performance outside of the set time frame). If this is the case, then it is permissible not to comply with your husband’s request. You should prioritize Fajr Salah and not perform Fajr Salah as Qadaa.

Prophet Muhammad SAW mentioned –

لا طاعة لمخلوق في معصية الله عز وجل

“There is no obedience to creation unless one disobeys Allah SWT, the Exalted and Magnificent.”

You should also try to perform Fajr Salah before your husband wakes up. It is important that you discuss the importance and virtue of performing salah with your significant other.

It also recommended that you recite the du’a below in abundance.

«ر مِنْ مِنْ ل نَ أأوَ أأوَ وذُرِّيّ وذُرِّيّ وذُرِّيّ وَ وَ وَ وَ وَ وَ جْجْمًمًمًanz ea

“O our Lord! Grant us from our wives and our offspring, which shall comfort our eyes, and make us leaders of the pious.”

– Surah Al-Furqan, verse 74

4. Is oral sex allowed?

There are two aspects to consider when considering oral sex.

Moral aspect – The act of oral sex itself is a shameful act. Your mouth is holy when you use it to perform the dhikr of Allah SWT and greet the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Also, we recite the Holy Quran with our mouths. So oral sex causes your mouth to get dirty. Actual Verdict – Based on Sharia ruling, the term “oral sex” can mean kissing the privates or even swallowing the dirt. When “oral sex” means inserting the penis into the woman’s mouth. This can result in semen or pre-ejaculation fluid getting into her mouth. In this case it is not allowed.

Conclusion

Sex is an act that must remain between a man and his woman. Making love to one’s husband is one of the basic needs in Islam and Islam teaches all believers to fulfill their desires in a halal way. Halal sex includes some key rules; these are as follows –

Refrain from anal intercourse

Avoid sex before or outside of marriage

Avoid penetrative sex during the menstrual cycle

They strictly prohibited the consumption of pornography

Sexual intercourse is nothing to be ashamed of as a Muslim couple as long as you meet your needs in a halal manner. However, it should not be taken lightly, nor should we concern ourselves with it excessively.

As narrated under the authority of Anas ibn Malik, the Prophet Muhammad SAW (peace be upon him) reportedly said:

“One of you should not satisfy his (sexual) needs like an animal from his wife, but there should be foreplay of kisses and words between them.”

– Musnad al-Firdaws by al-Daylami, 2/55

Finally, we also encourage you to follow some of the tips on how to come to terms with your husband in an arranged marriage.

Your ex-spouse’s remarriage: what to consider beforehand

Remarrying an ex-spouse is quite unusual, but it does happen. This typically occurs in couples who married young and have been divorced for a long time. People grow older and wiser, realizing their mistakes and changing their future based on the experiences they have had since that relationship ended.

According to a study by Nancy Kalish, a professor emeritus at California State University, 6 percent of couples say they have married, divorced, and remarried the same person. 72 percent of these people stay together after remarriage.

remarriage after divorce

People choose to remarry for a variety of reasons. Some fall in love while others try to avoid loneliness. Everyone has their own reason for remarrying, but children shouldn’t be one of them. Many divorced couples who have children together feel an obligation to their child’s other biological parent. The misconception of the “perfect family” is still stuck in their heads. This guilt can lead to former couples reuniting for the sake of their children. That’s not a good reason for remarriage. Children can sense a forced relationship between their parents, and seeing them happy is more beneficial than seeing them together.

thinking about the past

It’s a good idea for ex-spouses to sign up for couples counseling before saying “yes, I do” for the second time. The advice of a third party can help shed light on problems that existed in the past and those that may still exist today. Even though time has passed, old wounds may not have fully healed, and hastening a marriage without examining the root causes of previous problems may aggravate them in the future.

Consider a prenuptial agreement

While signing a prenuptial agreement can be a touchy subject, more and more couples are deciding that prenuptial agreements are in their best interest. Prenups are legal documents that can outline expectations of marital responsibilities and what will happen in the event of a divorce. It can seem awkward to sign a document that addresses a possible divorce, but it’s better to be prepared. Signing a prenuptial agreement can also help calm fears of divorce.

Contact a DuPage County family law attorney for help

A. Traub & Associates handles a variety of family law matters for married and divorcing couples. Prenuptial agreements are one of the most common requests for those remarrying a former spouse. If you are considering remarriage and the creation of a prenuptial agreement, contact our Lombard, IL Family Law Office at 630-426-0196.

Sources:

https://www.chicagotribune.com/living/ct-xpm-2012-10-23-sc-fam-1023-divorce-reunite-20121023-story.html

https://www.verywellmind.com/is-a-second-time-around-realistic-2300932

After receiving the divorce decree from the competent court, if you wish to remarry to the same person.

If you want to get married according to the special marriage law, you must apply to the registry office, with the appropriate form and also with affidavits of both parties with witnesses from both sides.

The registrar sets a date and issues a notification for 15-20 days. If there are no objections, the marriage will be concluded the next day.

According to the statements of scholars on this subject:

The angry person’s divorce is valid according to the people of knowledge except when the angry person loses his mind due to his extreme anger and that is when the anger reaches its peak and the anger takes control of his mind and body that he don’t know what he’s saying.

If he is not angry in this way, and the man divorces his wife more than once in one session, then this is a controversial issue. The majority of scholars and the four schools of thought say that when the man divorces his wife and he says to her: You are divorced, divorced, divorced, and if he meant by the word divorced, ensure the second and third time (meaning starting a new divorce) then he has made a very big statement and he cannot take his wife back after that.

And if the husband meant divorced the second and third time to confirm (meaning confirming the previous word and not making a new divorce), then in this case only divorce occurs, and he has the right to take it back.

Sheikh Al-Islam ibn Taimiyah has said that declaring divorce three times in one session is only considered as a divorce, whether his intention was to confirm or effect a new divorce and, in his opinion, anyone to his wife says you are divorced ×3 times only one divorce counts and he can still divorce her 2 times if this was the first time he divorced her hence he can take her back, as long as their waiting time has not expired.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taimiyah says:

Divorce that takes place without a doubt is the divorce that Allah SWA has allowed and allowed and that is to divorce her if she is clean before he sleeps with her or after she has confirmed her pregnancy one Divorce as for the “forbidden divorce” for example if he divorces her while she is menstruating or he divorces her after touching her and before her pregnancy is clear because this type of divorce is banned and the scholars have agreed on it. If he divorces her three times, in one word or several words in one session, then according to the majority this is also forbidden and they disagree on whether this is considered a divorce or not. It has been said that three divorces take place and some have said that only one divorce takes place. The second opinion is closer to the evident evidence in the Book and the Sunnah.

And after the third iddat, the man and woman cannot remarry unless the woman first marries someone else, and only after her marriage to another person is dissolved can the couple remarry. The difference between ‘talaq-e-ahsan’ and ‘talaq-e-hasan’ is that in the former there is a single pronunciation of ‘talaq’ followed by abstinence during the period of ‘iddat’, while in the latter there is are three utterances of ‘talaq’ interspersed with abstinence. Unlike talaq-e-ahsan, which is considered the “most correct” form of divorce, Muslims regard “talaq-e-hasan” only as “the correct form of divorce.”

65th chapter of the Koran

Page from an 1874 Koran; Sura At-Talaq is in the middle of the page

“Divorce” [1] (Arabic: الطلاق‎, aṭ-talāq) is the 65th chapter of the Quran with 12 verses (ayat). At-Talaq is not only the name of this sura but also the title of its subject as it contains commandments about talaq (divorce) itself.[2] Abdullah ibn Masud (died c. 653) reportedly described it as the shorter Sura An-Nisa.[3] The sura also defines the period of mourning (iddah) as three menstrual periods. For premenarche girls and postmenopausal women – three months. In case of pregnancy after delivery of the child.[4]

After raising the issue of divorce and a range of other resulting family problems[5] in the first 7 verses[6], the sura urges people to follow God’s regulations and guidance, recalling the fate of previous disobedient people who Apostates and disobedient were punished for their sins.[7] The 11th verse describes the attitude required of true believers, admonishing them to believe in the Messenger and the corresponding gifts.[8] Finally, God’s power and knowledge are emphasized at the end.[9]

Summary[edit]

1-7 Certain limitations of the Divorce Law 8-10 The apostates and disobedient being punished for their sins 11 True believers being exhorted to believe in Muhammad 12 God created the seven heavens[10]

See also[edit]

One of the benefits of living in Southeast Texas is the diversity of the people who live in our community.

A group of people who are often discussed but not understood are our Muslim neighbors. Today’s blog post from the law firm of Bryan Fagan, PLLC aims to introduce divorce into the Islamic faith.

Divorce Basics for Practicing Muslims

Divorce is not forbidden in Islam. According to the Koran, a husband can leave his wife for up to four months in a probationary separation. After this four-month period, the husband and wife must reunite to continue their marriage or to divorce.

When the spouses seek a divorce, the Qur’an encourages the parties to try to resolve their issues rather than rushing into a situation where there is a contested process. Both spouses must appoint an arbitrator to determine how property is to be divided and how matters relating to their children are to be decided. Both spouses and the community are involved in this process.

How can a marriage be dissolved in Islam?

Aside from death, divorce is the most common form of marriage dissolution. Spouses can consent to a divorce and have it obtained in any court of competent jurisdiction. The other method would be for the husband or wife to file for and obtain a divorce from their spouse. More often than not, a husband will file for divorce rather than the other way around.

A woman can only obtain a divorce from her husband by filing an application with the court. Historically and traditionally, the reasons a woman can get a divorce are fairly limited. Physical or mental disorders, inability to consummate the marriage, or desertion are among the reasons a woman may seek and obtain a divorce from her husband.

The Qur’an recognizes the third type of divorce in Islam, known as consensual divorce. If both spouses feel that they cannot perform the duties they promised to each other upon marriage and that their obedience to Allah would be compromised by continuing the marriage, then an amicable divorce is possible.

Special requirements of a Muslim woman in her life after divorce

After a divorce is obtained, Muslim women must practice abstinence and are not allowed to remarry for a period of time.

This is to identify the father of a child with whom the mother may be pregnant at the time of the divorce. If, after the divorce is completed, it becomes known that a Muslim woman is pregnant, then the ex-husband has the opportunity to reconcile with his spouse and invite his ex-wife back to the apartment.

The Impact of Islamic Marriage Contracts in the United States

The purpose of marriage in the Islamic world is to enable a man and woman to have sexual relations in order to legally have children. Traditionally, any Muslim who has reached the age of puberty and consents to marriage can enter into a marital relationship.

For a marriage proposal to be valid in the Islamic world, the proposal and acceptance must be made in the same session. Witnesses to the marriage must also be present.

Before marriage, the couple must agree on the language in a marriage contract. A sum of money must be paid to his wife to ensure that she is financially secure if the marriage ends in divorce or death. When confronted with this part of a marriage contract, American family judges will address them from the perspective of common English law, not Islamic law.

For example, if this part of an Islamic marriage contract is similar to a marriage contract, you as a wife would only receive what was promised to you in the marriage contract. This would nullify your ability to collect property based on Texas community property laws. This can put you in the wrong position when it comes to dividing assets in a divorce.

If an American judge considers the marriage contract to be a simple contract, the religious language contained in the marriage contract can cause it to be declared void. Then you would not receive anything that is required by the marriage contract. If you made that contract while living abroad in a Muslim country and never expected to come to the United States (let alone get a divorce here), it can cause a lot of problems.

We hear about Sharia in the media and the potential impact on our legal system. Usually concerns about its implementation in the United States are exaggerated and unrealistic, although it should be noted that our legal systems are quite different.

Our courts in the United States are essentially ignorant of how to interpret a Muslim legal contract for marriage, and even less of its relevance to Islam. Suppose you have entered into a prenuptial agreement. In that case, you know all too well the difficulties involved in living under American secular law and having a marriage contract that originated in Sharia law.

The purpose of a marriage contract in the Muslim world is to enable men and women to live together as a successful and happy married couple. In the event of a divorce, the provisions of the marriage contract apply. Once in the United States and subject to our legal system and its marriage and divorce laws, it is critical for women that judges understand the importance of the marriage contract and its ability to affect a divorced woman’s future finances.

Marriage Contracts vs. Islamic Marriage Contracts

Prenuptial arrangements in Texas typically divide the common property of two soon-to-marry people. Private property is designated as such, debts are accounted for and divided, and property is distributed according to individuals’ desires.

This Agreement may vary from Texas community property laws. This enables both spouses to negotiate certain aspects of their assets to their advantage and disadvantage in order to reach an agreement that suits both parties.

This is in contrast to an Islamic marriage contract. A wife in this type of contract never anticipates or negotiates a contract with the thought that she is waiving any rights to her separate property or future amounts of what we would call spousal support or alimony. In Islamic law there is no concept of communal property or other methods of property division. As a result, the methods used in the Islamic world to protect women in divorce can be overridden by construing an Islamic marriage contract as a type of marriage contract.

The bottom line is that Islam, at least from the point of view of Muslims worldwide, attaches great importance to future financial stability in the event of the death or divorce of the spouse in these contracts. Well-meaning judges in America run the risk of misinterpreting and overturning this protection simply by applying the law most commonly used in our country to a document that is ignorant of our legal traditions.

Questions about how the American legal system may affect an Islamic marriage? Contact the law firm of Bryan Fagan, PLLC

If you have questions about how your Islamic prenuptial agreement in another country may affect your Texas divorce, please contact the Law Offices of Bryan Fagan, PLLC.

We represent people of different faiths and cultural backgrounds and we are proud of it. A consultation with one of our licensed family law attorneys is free and available six days a week.

Marital conflict is one of those “make you or break you” phenomena. It has the ability to devastate a couple and land them in a heartbreaking divorce, or it has the ability to deepen a couple’s bond to the point that they feel what appears to be a foretaste of Jannah. On an individual level, marital conflict can lead a person to maturation and self-improvement. What most couples don’t realize is that conflict doesn’t have to drive them. Humans are not the pawns of their feelings, meant to argue and fight because they can’t help how they feel unless they choose to be.

Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship. It is impossible for two people to be emotionally close without some inherent differences, leading to anxiety. This fear is characterized by feelings of fear, anger, frustration, or disappointment and is very natural. Differences you can live with when it comes to a friend or even a relative can shake your world when it comes to your spouse because you have to live with that person every day – you want to be very close to them but the Love you share with them is not unconditional. Having a difference with a spouse can also be a bit of a reality check, because it makes you realize that just because you believe something isn’t right. Although we logically know that some differences may be valid, we still feel insecure when we have such a difference with our spouse. These differences can be related to beliefs, family, upbringing, culture, politics, intimacy, or even something as trivial as food or favorite book genres.

Husbands and wives in conflict often sound like tearful or angry children when they share their problems with a third party. He will complain that she never wants to be intimate and she will complain that he is lazy around the house and still attached to his mother’s apron. Perhaps they come to a compromise that both will start serving each other’s needs more, but both always keep a watchful eye and a tight score, and as soon as one falters, the other backs down.

While it is important for us to understand our responsibilities to our spouse, if we never go beyond that, we will have a technically functioning marriage but an emotionally dysfunctional marriage. Many people meet the fiqhi requirements of marriage but are still unhappy. They are unhappy because even though they are meeting each other’s needs, they still have conflicts about those needs and don’t understand why or how to resolve it. For example, a couple may have intimate relationships on a regular basis, so technically this aspect of their marriage is fulfilled in a fiqhi perspective, but they may still have a major conflict over it. There’s a whole emotional side of marriage that can be turned on its head even by taking care of the formalities. This daily emotional interplay is not properly understood by many couples, despite our insights into the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.

When it comes to dealing with conflict, the first thing we need to do is stop focusing on our spouse and start focusing more on ourselves. Even when our spouse does something that we consider reprehensible, we still focus on our own reactions first to correct the situation. Because although we believe our spouse is doing something wrong, we have usually enabled and even encouraged their behavior without realizing it. When it comes to conflict, the only person we can change is ourselves. So the first step in overcoming marital conflict is to change our own part in a destructive pattern of behavior.

Let’s understand this with an example. Let’s say a husband is angry with his wife and frustrated because she always gets upset when he goes out with his friends. She becomes passive-aggressive when he comes home, and a fight usually ensues at the end. He accuses his wife of wanting to control his time and he believes she is far too needy. So now he either has to choose between his wife and social life, or so he thinks. If he takes a step back and looks at this situation, he might realize that he himself made some mistakes that caused this problem. Maybe his wife wouldn’t mind if he spent time with his friends, if he gave her notice beforehand, or if he got home on time. She may be annoyed that he always makes time with his friends on Friday nights or other prime times, while the time with her seems to be spent on mundane tasks on weekdays. It can’t be that his wife would object to him spending time with his friends if only he had been more considerate of her when planning it. Instead of just reacting to them and making assumptions, he needs to discover something in peace.

We tend to enable behavior in our spouses that we dislike by going to great lengths to eradicate it. Whenever we want to blame our spouse for a problem, we need to stop, step back, and look at ourselves honestly. Are things really the way we interpret them? Are these simple character flaws in our spouse or a reaction to a more complex issue in which we are both involved?

Next we need to consider our efforts to communicate with our spouse about a problem. This includes bringing up the issue and telling our spouse how their behavior is affecting us. This includes being calm, honest, and tactful with our spouse when speaking to them. It asks us to eliminate emotional games, vindictive arguments, hurtful language, or passive-aggressive behavior. In other words, if we want conflict to refine our relationship and strengthen our bond, we must let go of any spiteful attempts to “punish” our partner or take our anger out on them. We don’t have this conversation with our spouse to make them feel guilty, but to overcome a problem as a couple. This type of conversation can only take place between two people who are mature enough to put aside petty attempts to hurt one another.

After presenting ourselves authentically to our spouse, we need to calmly accept what they have to say to us. This can be an emotional tirade trying to draw us into a familiar argument, or it can be valid criticism. In any case, we must maintain our resolve to remain calm and respectful despite our partner’s behavior and to be open to whatever they have to say. Our spouse may not agree with us (yet) or be ready to change, but at least we have given them food for thought and set a better tone in our marriage. And after the discussion is over, we really need to end it, even if we didn’t agree at the end. Marital conflicts often have no right and wrong, but involve two valid differences. A partner may think he doesn’t overspend while his wife thinks he does. In reality, the definition of overspending is relative. So while she can tell her husband what she thinks about his spending habits, she has to accept that this person comes from a different family and has different ideas about money. He may never agree with her, so she has to learn to live with it. Of course there are subjects where Allah has limits (e.g. physical strength), but these are few compared to things in marriage which are determined by a person’s ‘urf, which in our case is less related to custom of society as a whole and more to do with personal upbringing (because our society is so diverse).

Throughout this process, we must keep one thing in mind – that each of us as individuals should contribute our best to our marriage at all times, regardless of what our spouse is doing. And even if only one spouse takes this approach, they will have the personal satisfaction of knowing that they are fulfilling half of their deen in a way that is most pleasing to Allah and remain a constant source of positive growth for their relationship.

MARRIAGE DISCORD (An Nushuz) IN ISLAM

part of the wife

Here are some definitions by the scholars of nushuz when it is committed by the wife:

“It is the woman who leaves her husband’s house without his permission and keeps her husband away from her without due right.”

“It is the woman who deviates from the obligatory obedience to her husband, she prevents him from staying in bed, she leaves the house without his permission to a place that she knows he would not allow her to do, she leaves Allah’s rights on her, such as purifying ghusl or fasting in Ramadan, and she locks the door on her husband to keep him away.

“It is the woman who disobeys her husband and rises above what Allah has imposed on her and rises above the performance of her obligatory duties.”

“It is the wife’s disobedience to her husband in respect of those acts of obedience obligated to her by the rights of marriage.”

“Here the wife rises above her husband and is reserved towards him in the sense that she will not obey him if he calls her to bed or if she leaves the house without his permission and so on. It is when she withholds from him his right to obedience to her.”

From all the different definitions, we see that nushuz on the woman’s part revolves around one of four characteristics:

She doesn’t dress up for her husband when he asks her to.

She disobeys her husband when it comes to coming to his bed and she refuses to answer his calls.

She leaves the house without his permission or without a legal right to do so.

She does not perform her obligatory religious duties, such as failing to perform some prayers, fasting in Ramadan, or other obligatory acts of Islam.

She doesn’t cover herself up properly, insisting on posting pictures on social media for everyone to see – this isn’t allowed, even if the husband wants it or orders her to.

A REMINDER HERE – As you can see, the woman’s disobedience to her mother is not something that is considered nushuz. The wife is not obliged to obey everything the mother-in-law says, it is good manners to do so and it helps in gaining her husband’s respect, but the fact remains that it is not an Islamic obligation on her .

This topic will be covered in a bit more detail in tomorrow’s class.

Nushuz on the man’s side

The jurists have defined nushuz when it comes from the husband as follows:

“Here the husband hates his wife and harms her.”

“The husband offends and harms his wife by boycotting her, hitting her in a way not required by law, irritating her, abusing her, slandering her by cursing and insulting her, etc.”

“For the husband to transgress her by hitting her, harming her, or behaving very badly toward her.”

“It’s up to him to harm her by hitting her or making her life difficult or preventing her from fulfilling her rights like fair sharing between fellow wives, support, etc.”

So Nushuz when committed by the husband revolves around the following point:

The husband rises up unjustly and arrogantly above his wife and the duties that Allah has imposed on him towards her.

He violates her by hitting her, harming her, slandering her, mistreating her, and not treating her properly.

He does not meet his mandatory obligations towards her, such as maintenance, etc.

He becomes shy and indifferent towards her, boycotting her in conversation or in bed, refusing to talk to her, etc.

The remedy for Nushuz when it comes from the woman

When a woman is in a state of nushuz, the husband can address it with the following three steps:

admonition and guidance. Boycott hitting

What follows is a detailed discussion of each of these three steps.

The first step: Verbal admonition and guidance

The first thing a husband should do when his wife commits nushuz or the steps leading up to it is to try to warn her verbally, using the Qur’an and the Sunnah to remind her of her duties to Allah and her to remind husband. Allah said:

“As for the women whom you see misbehaving, admonish them…” [Noble Quran 4:34]

Admonition is a gentle and mild cure. Its aim is to replace alienation and rebellion with love, compassion and togetherness in obedience to Allah Most High. All scholars, early and late, agree that this admonition is valid only so long as it conforms with Sharia. Otherwise, the husband has no such right under the principle: “There is no obedience to the created if it involves disobedience to the Creator.” (Sahih Hadith). Here are some of the definitions of the scholars of this exhortation (mau’idha):

“Advice and reminder of the result of his actions.”

“Reminding people in a way that softens their hearts by reminding them of the rewards or punishments.”

“The husband makes her fear Allah Most High. He reminds her of what Allah has enjoined on her regarding his rights and obedience. She is to be told the consequences of her sin and disobedience and then lose her rights to subsistence and clothing. And she should be told how that allows him to hit her and boycott her.”

It is narrated from the Sunna that the Prophet ﷺ said:

“If you fear Nushuz on their part, then advise them, boycott them in their beds and beat them in a way that is not harmful…” [Musnad Ahmad]

The Companions, the devotees and all who have come after them to this day agree that when a woman commits Nushuz, this admonition is sanctioned by law. No one has ever opposed this, and it’s a consensus point.

The second step: boycott and avoidance

Sometimes a verbal admonition has no effect in ending their state of alienation and disobedience. In fact, it may reinforce her abstinence due to emotions overcome her, a defiant reaction, or perhaps she was deceived by position, wealth, or beauty into believing herself to be better than her husband. The husband may be partly to blame if he allows his own emotions to interfere with his wife’s best admonition. In any case, the next step in trying to end her stubbornness is to boycott her and avoid her “in bed.”

Linguistically, this “boycott” (al-hajr) is defined as “avoid, break off and no contact with the boycotted”. Allah recommends this with the addition: “in sleeping places” (fiy al-madhaji’). This could mean either avoiding her completely and sleeping somewhere else, or it could mean sleeping in the same bed but staying away from her and not speaking, etc.

The Qur’an, the Sunnah, the consensus of the scholars and common sense indicate that when verbal admonition does not produce a positive result, it is permissible and one of the means of disciplining the estranged woman. Allah said:

“…and avoid them in sleeping places…” [Noble Quran 4:34]

Imam Ahmad reports in his Musnad that the Prophet ﷺ separated from his wives for a month. (Although this was NOT done for Nushuz reasons, it still demonstrates the permissibility of the act.) The jurists agree that it is permissible if it results in the woman correcting her ways and returning to right guidance. It is a method that is effective for a woman who loves her man.

The verse in Surah An-Nisa is ambiguous whether it means avoiding the bed and bedroom completely and sleeping elsewhere or it means avoiding them IN the bed. The latter method is preferable because it avoids making children and other family members aware of the existence of the problem and because it provides a more positive atmosphere for actual reconciliation.

The boycott may include boycotting their speech, but this should not last more than three days, according to the hadith in Sahih Muslim: “It is not lawful for a Muslim to boycott his fellow Muslim for more than three nights.”

As for the boycott in bed, this can go on for as long as he believes it can still make her stop her nushuz actions, but by no means more than four months. This is the strongest opinion among the statements of the scholars. It is based on the time limit imposed by Allah al-Ilaa’ – where a man takes an oath to end his relationship with his wife. There was no limit to this in the Jahiliya, so a wicked man could leave his wife ‘hanging’, unrelated to him, but not divorced, for as long as he wanted. Allah limited this to four months and said:

“And for those who sever relations with his wife, there is a waiting period of four months. Then when he returns, Allah is indeed Hearing and Knowing.” [Noble Quran 2:226]

The woman who does not change after four months of boycott is not and will not change. She deserves the divorce and there is no need to continue this “suspended” situation. This is because her constant estrangement and non-cooperation, despite knowing full well that this will result in divorce, clearly shows her unwillingness to respond to the action taking place and return to a correct Islamic marriage. At least it can be said that she will not be able to live comfortably and adequately with this husband.

The third step: you hit

In some cases, solving the problem may require some hardness and tenacity. This is because there are some people who, when doing something wrong, cannot be put right by good behavior and gentle advice alone. Kindness and softness only make such people more arrogant and ignorant. Some of these people respond when encountering toughness by calming down and ending their defiance. In general, it is not recommended for a husband to ever hit his wife and it is reported that the Prophet ﷺ said of those who do so that “they are not the best of you”.

In some cases, however, resorting to harshness, including hitting, can be a useful remedy that actually brings partners back together in love and compassion. In these cases it can be a positive healing tool and spiritual discipline. It is not intended for revenge or punishment. Whoever does this commits a sin and transgresses his wife. Rather, it should restore what has become improper and end the disturbance. Although it is a bitter medicine, in many cases it can be less damaging to all involved than destroying the foundation of the family.

It should be clarified that “Beating his wife is NOT permissible in Islam. The hitting mentioned above should be no more than a tapping with a siwak.

Narrated Mu’awiyah ibn Haydah: “I said: Messenger of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? take food, dress yourself when you dress, do not abuse her face and do not hit her. (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)”

Abu Hurairah (Allah be pleased with him) reported from Allah’s Apostle ﷺ as saying: “Whoever believes in Allah and the hereafter, when he witnesses something, he should speak about it in a good manner or keep silent. Act kindly to women, for women is created from a rib, and the crookedest part of the rib is its tip. If you try to straighten them, you will break them, and if you don’t, their curvature will stay there. So act kindly to women. (Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3468)”

“Oh you, who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Also, you should not treat them harshly so that you can take away part of the dowry [money given to the woman’s husband for the marriage contract] that you have given them, except when they are guilty of open fornication, on the contrary, live with them on a basis of kindness and righteousness. If you dislike them, you may reject something, and God will do some great good. (The Noble Qur’an, 4:19)”

The remedy when nushuz is from the husband

Islam has provided remedies for cases where nushuz comes from the husband in a way that suits both her feelings and sensibilities as a wife and her respective roles, rights, and duties as husband and wife. She can search for the reasons for his behavior and admonish him with Islam to try to put things right between them. However, Islam has not given her the right to address this issue by boycotting him or hitting him as was given to the husband. This is because her nature is different from man’s and she does not have the same power and authority in marriage as he does.

It should do some or all of the following:

Try to find out the reason for his alienation and/or bad behavior.

Admonish her husband and remind him of his responsibilities before Allah towards his wife, such as B. Good manners and kind treatment.

Try to please her husband to make things right. This can be as simple as showing kindness and caring, and can also involve jeopardizing some of their own rights for the sake of harmony.

“And if a woman fears cruelty or abandonment on the part of her husband, it is no sin for either of them to make an agreement, and an agreement is better…” [Noble Quran 4:128]

When she realizes that the signs of Nushuz are being confirmed and he turns away from her out of dislike for her and wants to be away from her, then there is no sin on either of them when “peace terms are worked out”. This means that they may give up some of her rights to remain in the marriage, for example she may give up some of her rights to maintenance, lodging or equal nights accommodation with other wives to remain under his protection and in the marriage, or she may give up part or give up her entire dowry in exchange for him divorcing her.

Ibn Abbas said: “Saudah feared that the Prophet ﷺ would divorce her, so she said to him: “O Messenger of Allah, do not divorce me but keep me and sweeten my day for Aisha.” The Prophet ﷺ did this and the verse was revealed about it.” (Bukhari)

‘Umar said: “Whatever points they agree on, they are permissible.” Al Baihaqiy

Problems of modernity and ways to overcome them.

A cheating husband.

Remember that what the man does by having a haram (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram is a treason to the rights of Allah before it is a treason to the rights of his wife . If you see that he still loves you and there is a possibility that he may regret the traps of Shatiaan he fell into, then the following steps are advisable:-

Talk to him and remind him that these are haram and punishments from Allah. Don’t let many people know about it, otherwise he may repent and you may choose to forgive him. Offer lots of dua. Don’t Leave Him Alone for Shatyaan – Fill His Time with Useful Things (Islamic & Social)

Finally, if the above does not result in ending this haram relationship of his with this woman, then you have two choices:

You can advise him to marry her in accordance with the laws of Allah may He be exalted to save him and her from this haram relationship, on condition that his relationship with her does not reach the level of zina (adultery). has – Allah forbid – because it is not lawful to advise someone to do something that is haram, since their marriage will not be lawful until they repent (from zina).

Or you can ask for divorce (talaaq) but start with the threat of asking for it, then if he stays the way he is you have the right to seek a way out of the calamity you are facing by turning to divorce ask. It will protect you and your children from the possibility of fitnah (tribulation) due to your husband’s wrongdoing and his haram relationship, whether that protection is related to your religious obligation, honor, or health.

Click here for more information on the above information.

Husband watches porn

Viewing pornographic websites and engaging in sexual activity are haram; it is a disease, not a cure. The one who does this is grieved and should try to heal himself by repentance and giving up, not by making excuses. All sinners make excuses for themselves. The one who drinks alcohol or takes drugs or commits adultery – they all claim that they are under pressure and that they cannot escape it except by doing something forbidden.

Now if you want to help him fight this disease, below are some recommendations:

Confrontation, sister, you must confront your husband about this. He needs to know how you feel and how concerned you are about your marriage. In sha’Allah, your honesty and concern will help him and give him the strength to break this ugly habit. Especially if he is addicted, in sha’Allah, seeing how much it affects you and your marriage might give him the strength to leave it.

You are a team, it is always better to face these challenges as a team. In this regard, you should do everything you can to help him and support him to overcome this addiction. Offer your help and your support to overcome them together. However, in order to do this, you need to be open and honest with him about it. But also make sure you don’t make him feel like you’re okay with it. He must always understand that you reject that part of him, but be willing to do whatever it takes to help him leave that.

Dua’a, make sure you keep making du’a’ for Allah to help your husband stop this behavior and strengthen your marriage. Try to perform Tahajjud prayer regularly. All help and success comes from Allah alone.

By threatening him (more of a final warning or stern advice), you can make it clear that this is something that is simply not acceptable to you and is hurting your self-respect to a level that he just doesn’t understand. So you should threaten him that if you see him doing it again, you’re not sure you can refrain from telling others about this habit, lest his self-esteem be threatened as well. But make sure you do this in the right tone, you don’t want to allow shaytaan to play with his mind and make him do this even more because of the way you spoke to him.

Educate yourself about addiction, there are many resources available for people who have this type of addiction.

AGGRESSION MANAGEMENT

One of the rights of spouses is to overlook petty mistakes, especially words and actions that were not intended to cause harm. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Those who suppress anger and forgive people; Verily Allah loves as Muhsinoon (the Benefactors)”. [Aal Imran 3:134]

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2501; Sahih al-Jaami, 4/171).

Both husband and wife must put up with one another, because every child of Adam can slip up, and the one you need to be patient with the most is the one you live with and interact with the most. Neither party should resort to a tit-for-tat response. If a spouse sees the other person getting very angry, he or she should hold back their own anger and not react immediately. Because of this, Abul-Darda said to his wife: if you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together.

Anger is one of the shaytan’s most powerful weapons against us. It causes people to lose control and say and do things they deeply regret moments later. This is even more true in the case of trouble between spouses. Shaitaan loves when there is discord between husband and wife (based on a hadith in Sahih Muslim). In general, being quick to anger is a trait disliked in Islam and a disease of the heart.

A man said to the Prophet ﷺ: “Give me some advice.” He ﷺ said: “Don’t get angry.” He repeated his question several times and said: “Don’t get angry.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 5765)

Advice from the Sunna on controlling anger

Seek refuge from shaytaan: When we feel anger overcoming us, the first thing we should say is: “A’uthu billahi min ash shaytaan arRajeem” (I seek refuge in Allah from the cursed shaytaan). (Bukhari) Silence: Speaking in a hurry out of anger can have devastating consequences. The best thing to do is that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “If any of you get angry, let him be silent.” (Ahmad) Sit or lie down: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said to us: “If one of you gets angry while standing, have him sit down, and if that doesn’t take away his anger, then have him lie down. ” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, 4782). Changing one’s position forces one to de-escalate one’s arousal state and control one’s actions. Think of the reward for staying calm: Controlling your anger when you are in a position of power or position is a truly admirable achievement. Keeping calm is something so important that the Prophet ﷺ said: “Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act on it, Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection.” (Tabarani classified as Sahih) Perform Wudhu: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Verily wrath comes from Shaytaan and indeed Shaytaan was created from fire and indeed fire is quenched with water. So if any of you should get angry, perform ablution.” (Ahmad and Abu Dawud)

General rules to keep in mind to avoid marital disputes

1. When speaking to your spouse, don’t point your finger. The moment you point your finger (even if it’s not pointing in the same direction it’s still connected to you), the conflict begins. Ex: “Honey, you never take out the wastebasket.” Said the woman. “I took it out last week,” says the husband. fire lit. The right thing to say for the wife is, “Honey, I’m tired, can you please take the trash can out for me today?” The husband’s normal response should be “yes.” The woman should say, “‘Thank you!”. That way, the man will feel valued and will do it more often, and the woman has more time to treat himself or tidy up for him.

2. Fight as equals. If the fight has already started, sit down and discuss as equals. If your spouse isn’t willing to sit down, be the “bigger person” in the conversation and politely ask them to sit down.

3. Do not strive for trifles. For example, your husband could put some of the pillows on the other chair when he comes home from work every day and you put them back every day. Make it a habit! Don’t attack your husband for it. Also, if your wife wants to rearrange your mail, give it to her to put in order so that both of you are happy. Nagging about what the other is doing doesn’t help one bit.

4. Appreciate each other. A thank you for something nice here and there never hurt anyone. Also, apologizing to someone, even if they made the mistake, can make a big difference.

5. Let the other make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes. Don’t hold the other person down unless you want to be held down for making a mistake.

6. Try not to be angry all the time because the only one who should be angry more is you. Okay, we all have our bad days, but make sure the spouse isn’t having a bad day.

7. Spend time together. What was the real reason you married the person? Have kids and that’s it? I highly doubt that’s why most people get married. For many people, the person you married is a companion they want but sometimes never get. Someone who is your best friend when your best friend is not around. Back to reality, spending time with your significant other doesn’t mean going 5 hours shopping or going to a baseball game that only one could enjoy. It means taking the time to enjoy the weather, chat, play, stroll down a country lane or even race the go-karts.

8. Understand each other. Listen to what the other says. for example, women exaggerate. Men, on the other hand, sometimes just say things openly but without drama and sometimes only half of what they want to say. Sometimes it can even be the other way around, but listen and watch their body language. If they look at you when they say it, then they know what they want. But if they tend to look away, they’re more likely to be embarrassed or too shy to say it than not knowing what to say. Don’t accuse them of hiding something because sometimes things are hard to put into words.

9. Don’t snoop on each other’s past lives. The moment you tie the knot is the moment you start a new life. Prying into their past will lead to misunderstandings. Truth be told, they were once human too. They grew up in a different world than you, but you both came together to create a new world. Why try to bring back the old when the new has a lot more to see?

10. Let it go! The bravest thing you can do is forgive the other person and move on like nothing happened. It may be hard, but if you forgive them, the world will look like a better place to you and you will feel a lot better.

11. Don’t sit idle. Yes, spending time alone every once in a while is good, but spending too much time alone is not good. When you’re alone and thinking about what the other person “did me wrong,” inner anger tends to build up and you might explode. So the best thing to do is invite some friends over or go out with them and relieve some of the tension. You and your friends will find relief and laughter.

12. Stay away from the people trying to control your marriage. These people will destroy it. It’s okay to get tips on how to avoid problems and how to get out of stains, but when someone says, ‘Oh, my wife is in the kitchen all day preparing food! Women should always be in the kitchen!” This is a sign that the person (best friend or not) is not a good person. You can be very honorable if you listen to this and go home and do this. Also, if someone says, “Oh, my husband will buy me this and that,” that is a signal to make jealous and ask your own husband, “Why don’t you take care of me?”. (This provision is not the provision of shelter and food, but of worldly material). If you don’t want to stay away from these people, change the subject. Take control of your marriage. No “Okay, test drive possible!”

13. Keep the green-eyed monster away. Like the last two steps, jealousy and lazy thinking go hand in hand. Plus don’t jump to conclusions. This is because many marriages break up out of jealousy and people jump to conclusions without listing them. If you see them cheating on you or they themselves said they did, it’s your decision. But if you just see her talking to a random stranger, you never know it could be directions or a special gift for someone. Always think positive. If they love you, they probably wouldn’t do anything to hurt you…just test yourself.

14. Be honest with each other. If there is something that you disagree with others about, say politely, “I don’t agree with you. The reason is…”

15. Here’s the big point: CHOOSE LUCKY INSTEAD OF BEING RIGHT! Okay, we all want to be right, but sometimes being right at the wrong moment can destroy a relationship. Let the other person get away with being wrong and thinking they’re right half the time. Don’t worry there are 4 benefits, happiness, learning to compromise, knowing you were right when they realize they were wrong and coming to apologize and you will laugh about it. But all in all, it’s not good to always be right. Let some mistakes happen.

16. When you fight, don’t drag others into it. It is a conflict between you and your spouse. Not you, your spouse and best friend/mom/dad/child/etc. They probably don’t know the whole story anyway.

Tomorrow’s course will be “Dealing with society as a couple” where we will also deal with problems of in-laws.

The following article is from Judy Starr, the Christian woman mentioned in last Sunday’s sermon who was tempted to commit adultery while doing missionary work in the Caribbean. The article is full of practical biblical wisdom. Although addressed to wives, it applies equally to husbands.

Protect your marriage through daily times with God. I cannot stress enough that your personal, daily time with the Lord creates a tremendous wall of protection around your marriage. Daily time with the Lord directly affects your relationship with your spouse. When you fail to meet God, your heart hardens before the Lord and His truths. And once that snowball of sin begins to roll, your marriage is in immediate jeopardy. But if you cling to Him every day, you will confess your sin and continue to grow in Christ’s image. As you keep God in His rightful place, not only will your marriage experience dramatic differences, but all of your relationships will be affected.

Protect your marriage by protecting your relationships with other men/women. You should never spend time alone with any man other than your husband. This includes sporting activities. Many an affair has started with the “harmless” act of a leisurely jog together in the evening. If your husband cannot participate in the activity with you, do it alone, in a group (preferably with women), or not at all.

Protect your marriage with workplace boundaries. If ever a situation called for solid walls of protection firmly anchored around it to prevent infidelity, it is the workplace. Such protection requires predetermined choices, all of which are sustained by accountability to your husband and other women. The practices of erecting an invisible wall and avoiding personal contact and conversations with other men are extremely critical. Without first committing to following these safety precautions, you will effectively brace yourself for a fall.

Protect your marriage with discretion in dress. Men are easily sexually aroused by the stimulation of vision. So what we wear is very important. Attracting men sexually through the clothing you choose is to cheat them because you can’t (or shouldn’t!) fulfill the desire you’re creating. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 tells us, “For this is the will of God…that each of you should know how to possess your own vessel in sanctification and honor…and that no one should transgress and deceive his brother in this matter. ”

Protect your marriage by protecting your eyes and ears. As in all of the Christian life, the key to protecting our eyes and ears is that each of us remains receptive to the Holy Spirit. We must be careful not to engage in anything that will turn our minds and hearts away from the Lord and our husband. By guarding what we see and hear, we keep impurities out and strengthen the walls around our marriage.

Protect your marriage by shielding yourself from the lure of the internet. Any married woman who seeks to meet her emotional needs through an online relationship must realize that her pursuits will only lead to heartbreak and enormous disappointment. True divine love – every heart’s desire – can only be found in a committed relationship based on unconditional love. And while an online love affair may be based on fantasies, virtual infidelity causes actual pain. The devastation to the spouse can be just as painful as if the spouse had been involved in a sexual affair. The broken trust and regret are just as difficult to repair.

Protect your marriage by spending time together. One of the best safeguards against infidelity is getting your emotional needs met in your marriage. That means sticking to the plan of spending alone time together every week! If we don’t protect this time carefully, all of life’s little “urgent” needs will erode our marital intimacy like termites slowly eating away the foundation of a house. What can be more urgent than protecting your marriage?

Virtually all relationships begin with both partners feeling in love. However, over time, as needs go unmet and conflicts arise, many couples lose love. Suddenly you wake up and realize that you are in a loveless marriage.

What is a loveless marriage?

A loveless marriage is a relationship in which one or both partners do not feel in love. Instead of being romantic lovers, they often feel more like roommates or siblings. Being in a loveless marriage often leads to isolation, resentment, and hopelessness.

Don’t despair though, the rest of the article will cover four ways you can bring love back to your marriage!

Loveless Marriage – 4 steps to undo it

1-Understand the love bucket model

All spouses have different needs in marriage, and we can choose to meet or neglect those needs. I see it as lovesickness. We all have a bucket of love within us, and our spouse is like a faucet that fills it. When we first date, our partner excels at filling it up. Soon our love bucket is full and that makes us fall in love with her. However, over the years, whether intentionally or unintentionally, our spouse turns off the faucet and only drips water into our love tub. At the same time, they start exhibiting behaviors that we don’t like, creating a hole in the bottom of our bucket and water leaking out. As less water goes in and more water goes out, our bucket gets deeper and deeper until it eventually dries up, causing us to stop falling in love with her. Therefore, one of the most important things I help partners do in couples counseling is to recognize what are the most important things that fill their love bucket and the most important things that empty it. If we can determine and implement these things, love buckets can be refilled and couples can fall in love again and stay in love.

2 fillers

The list of fillers below are common ones I’ve seen partners want in marriage. Fillers are all the behaviors you desire to make you feel loved and content. Fillers can be things that your partner did when you first started dating, but have stopped over the years. They can be things they still do and you want them to keep going. Or it can be things you’ve never done before and you’ve given up. Bring back this item. The sky is the limit. What are the top three fillers you need to feel loved and content in your marriage? What are the top three behaviors below that would make you feel like you’re not in a loveless marriage?

Quality Time – This person feels loved and close when they have your undivided attention.

Affection – Nonsexual touch makes this person feel loved and close.

Adoration – This person feels loved and close because they are valued and hearing why you love them.

Emotional Intimacy – This person feels loved and close because they share and hear their inner thoughts and feelings.

Recreation – This person feels loved and connected through shared physical activities such as hiking, biking, swimming, etc.

Sex – This person feels loved and connected through shared sexual activity.

Supporting my interests – This person feels loved and close to questions about important things in their life.

Physical Attraction – Optimizing your appearance makes this person feel loved and close.

Thoughtful Gestures – This person will feel loved and close when you make kind gestures.

Write down the top three fillers you want your spouse to have, and then give them a number of how well they’ve filled your love bucket with each item over the past seven days, with zero being the worst and ten being the best. For example, if one of your fillers is affection and you feel that your partner has met that need well over the past week, you would give them a five. If they showed incredible affection, you would give them a ten. If they didn’t show affection, you would give them a zero. Remember, you are only evaluating what was under your control. For example, if your partner was in bed with a bad cold part of the week, they wouldn’t have been able to show affection and it was out of their control, so you wouldn’t take points for it.

Access Dr. Wyatt’s Keep the Glow app here to track your buckets of love!

3 drainers

Fillers fill our love bucket and drainers drain it. A drainer is anything your spouse does that makes you feel negative about them. Drainboards create a hole in the bottom of your love bucket, allowing water to spill out. So if your partner is doing a great job filling your love bucket but doing a lot of draining at the same time, the water won’t stay in your bucket. The drainboards pick up the fillers. Consequently, just tracking fillers is not effective. We must pursue both fillers and emptiers to successfully fill each other’s love bucket.

Here is a list of common drainers and their explanations.

Parenting – This person doesn’t like their partner’s parenting style.

Defensive – This person dislikes it when their partner isn’t committed to their role in conflicts.

Finances – This person doesn’t like the way their partner handles money.

Hard Anger – This person doesn’t like the way their partner gets hard with their anger.

Passive – This person dislikes how their partner is passive in certain areas of life.

Control – This person doesn’t like that their partner doesn’t share the power to make decisions.

Addiction – This person dislikes how their partner’s addiction is affecting their relationship.

Uneven Workload – This person dislikes how they work more than their partner overall.

Sloppy- This person doesn’t like the way their partner leaves their stuff all over the house.

Write down your partner’s top three withdrawal symptoms that make you feel negative about them, and then give them a number for each; However, the rating is the opposite. For the drainers, zero is best and minus ten is worst. Zero means your partner didn’t perform the drainer behavior at all, so no water was drained from your bucket. Minus ten means they have been showing the drainer behavior a lot in the last 7 days, draining a lot of water from your bucket.

4- Love Bucket Goal

The goal with the love buckets is that you get eight to ten on each filler and zero to minus two on each drainer. Doing this consistently will make you irresistible to your partner and your loveless marriage will turn into a loving one! Your current behavior in your marriage has been burned into your brain. Therefore, it will take time to develop new neural pathways, much like a hiking trail. The dominant trail is well trodden, and you follow it without even thinking about what your current marital behavior is. However, creating a new trail takes time to wear down the grass before it becomes the new dominant path that is your new marital behavior. Usually when couples first make their list and get numbers, they do a lot more drain behavior than fill behavior. From my experience working with couples, when they are both making a genuine effort to fill their partner’s love bucket, it typically takes six to 12 weeks for filler behaviors to become common and drainer behaviors to become rare.

Access Dr. Wyatt’s Keep the Glow app here to track your buckets of love!

summary

Maximizing your partner’s desired fillers while minimizing the drains they don’t like is the quickest way to make him fall in love with you all over again. It’s the way to fill her love bucket and keep it full. When both partners commit to it, it becomes the answer to undoing a loveless marriage.

Further reading:

falling out of love

How to fall in love again

How long does it take to fall in love

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What else would you recommend for undoing a loveless marriage?

In Islam, “halala” is a term that has its roots in “halal” which translates to “something lawful” and therefore “legal.” In the context of marriage, this means that a divorced woman can become halal (legally) to her husband again after Nikah Halala is completed.

Islam dictates that a Muslim man has the freedom to divorce and remarry the same woman twice. However, if he decides to dissolve the marriage for the third time, he can only remarry the same woman if she first marries another man, consummate the marriage, and only if the man dies or voluntarily asks for a divorce can the woman return theirs first husband and marry him again.

The Indian Muslim jurist Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi (1863-1943) clearly explained the concept in Bahishti Zewar (a comprehensive manual of Islamic beliefs and practices): “A person utters an revocable (raji) talaq. He then reconciles and resumes living together. Two or four years later, under provocation, he pronounces another revocable talaq. After recovering from the provocation, he resumes living together. Now two talaqs are over. Thereafter, whenever he utters a talaq, it is counted as the third talaq, which will immediately dissolve the marriage and should remarriage be desired by the parties, requiring halala (intermarriage).”

According to the Talaq statement, the wife becomes haram (unlawful and therefore forbidden) to the husband.

A lockdown was imposed in connection with the divorce to ensure that the husband did not use her as a tool to torture his wife (by marrying and divorcing her as many times as he wished). It was the rule of irrevocability. This rule was instituted to maintain strict discipline and ensure marriage was not reduced to mere mockery.

It is said that this rule was established by the Prophet himself. dr Furqan Ahmad, a research fellow at the Indian Law Institute, wrote in Understanding Islamic Divorce Law that “the Prophet sought to put an end to [this] barbaric pre-Islamic practice” of “divorcing his wife and take her back several times to mistreat her”. The Prophet clearly indicated by the rule of irrevocability of the third proclamation that such a practice could not be continued indefinitely. So if the husband really wanted to take the wife back, he should do so; if not, the third pronouncement after two reconciliations would act as the final bar.”

Lawyer Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi further explained in Bahishti Zewar that if the husband and wife wanted to remarry for the third time, this was only possible on one condition: the wife must marry another man and have sex with him. “Well, if the second husband dies after intercourse or divorces her,” Thanvi wrote, “then she can remarry the first husband after the completion of the iddat period. But if the second husband died before intercourse or divorced her, then it does not matter, and she cannot marry the first husband in such a state.”

This law, followed by a small part of the Muslim community, is called Nikah Halala.

In India, personal laws regarding divorce and marriage are rooted in religion. Triple talaq (where a man can divorce his wife by saying “talaq, talaq, talaq”) is a serious, contentious issue that the central government believes Muslim women should push back. At the Uttar Pradesh rally in 2016, Prime Minister Narendra Modi said such laws would deny Muslim women their basic rights. “The life of Muslim women must not be ruined by triple talaq,” he said. Amidst this, the government is also urging the Supreme Court to wipe out Nikah Halala and polygamy in India. But many Islamic authorities and religious leaders believe the BJP’s push to abolish the triple talaq in India is a political ploy.

The All India Muslim Personal Law Board (AIMPLB) defended its strict religious laws, previously saying that any deviation from such a Qur’anic injunction (validity of the triple talaq) would violate the mandate of the Almighty Himself. “Such an act would go against the very integral practice of Islam and disregards the precise instructions of Allah and also of His Messenger, which is nothing but a sin,” the body was quoted as saying.

Nikah Halala is a law that requires a woman to marry and sleep with another man in order to return to her first husband. There have been cases where the husband regretted divorcing his wife by triple talaq and, in the hope of reconciliation, gave his divorced wife to another man for marriage on condition that the next day he divorced the wife divorced. However, muta (conditional marriage) is considered a sin in Islam and Sharia does not allow it. The husband is therefore considered a sinner. The second Caliph of the Rashidun Caliphate, Umar (AD 579-644), regarded such husbands as sinners and said: “I will stone such persons to death”.

In modern India, Nikah Halala has been manipulated and abused. In October 2016, an Indian Muslim woman alleged that her husband’s boyfriend raped her. The husband had lost his wife to his friend while gambling and therefore had to divorce her. In order to get her back, the husband asked his friend to sleep with the woman. The defendant (husband’s friend) called it part of the “Nikah Halala” so that her ex-husband could take her back.

In the midst of this, several websites and social media pages have sprung up offering halala marriage services to women who have been divorced from their first husbands. For example, a Twitter page called Halal Nikah states: “Assalamu’alaykum Alhmadulillah, this is a wedding service for Muslims worldwide. Take advantage of it now.”

Such sites feature men willing to get married and have sex with the client (in this case, a troubled and divorced woman) for a fee. Many women who turn to these services are either blackmailed or taken advantage of. Many are asked to pay large sums. In 2016, a BBC reporter went undercover posing as a divorced Muslim woman seeking a halala marriage service via Facebook. The reporter was asked to pay a sum of £2,500 for a sham marriage where the man on the Facebook page offered to marry her and sleep with her.

In patriarchal societies, religious laws were often one-sided and favored men. Laws like Triple Talaq and Nikah Halala are not only archaic but also debilitating for Muslim women. The legality of such laws must be challenged and then overturned.

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The word “talaq” simply means “divorce” and gives Muslim men the power to dissolve a marriage instantly by saying the word “talaq” three times. This can be done by letter, phone, face to face and increasingly, as technology has now advanced, by men via text messaging, WhatsApp and Skype.

Traditionally, when a man presents a talaq to his wife, there should be a waiting period of three months. The three-month period is intended to give the couple an opportunity to reflect on the marriage and possibly attempt a reconciliation. The three month period is also a time to ensure that the wife is not pregnant. If after three months there is no reconciliation and the wife is not pregnant, the couple is considered divorced and can remarry. It is worth noting that this is the procedure for a talaq, but more and more men simply say talaq to their wives three times and then consider themselves divorced. This of course puts women in a very vulnerable position as they will have no financial or emotional support after an immediate talaq. There were cases when women did not even know that their husbands were divorcing them.

Most Islamic countries, including Pakistan and Bangladesh, have banned the instant triple talaq, but the custom continued in India until recently, when the Supreme Court ruled by a 3-2 majority that the instant triple talaq was “un-Islamic, arbitrary.” and unconstitutional”. This was a landmark decision for Muslim women in India, who have said they have lived their lives with the threat of instant divorce hanging over their heads like a sword.

Many have supported the Indian Supreme Court’s ruling, calling it a “historic day”. The decision ends the struggle faced by many Muslim women in India, as they now have the assurance that if their husband wishes to use the triple talaq procedure, he will meet the traditional three-month deadline along with the provision of adequate financial support in must claim.

It is safe to say that the Triple Talaq conflicts with many countries’ own legal systems. India is the 23rd country to ban triple talaq. As the UK has its own divorce procedure, a triple talaq is not considered legal, however there have been instances where people consider themselves divorced after saying ‘talaq’ three times. In reality, the couple may not be legally divorced, and if they decide to remarry, they are committing the criminal act of bigamy.

If you require divorce, financial or child support, please contact our Family Law team on 0345 20 73 72 8 or email [email protected]