Dua For Marital Problems? The 191 Correct Answer

2. Recognize when you are at a standstill

One of the most common hurdles in solving marital problems is when you and your partner disagree on your marital issues. One spouse is willing to discuss the issue and the other doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

When you’ve hit a dead end, it’s important to take a break. Forcing your opinion on things will not change the situation. By taking a break, you give each of you time to put things into perspective.

3. Express yourself constructively

When you’re fighting with your spouse, it’s easy to let your emotions run free. You could end up saying hurtful things that only make the problem worse instead of fixing it. Try to avoid this route if possible.

When you talk about your marital problems, focus on being constructive. It’s also important to stay on topic and not hark back to previous issues.

4. Break the curse of intimacy

Married couples who have been together for a long time have the mistaken belief that they know each other very well. However, this can often be the root of the problem in a relationship.

Never stop asking questions or trying to get to know your partner. This will help you better understand her needs and avoid conflict or understand her perspective when it comes to discussing issues in your marriage.

There will be less conflict in your relationship if you know where your partner is from.

5. Make decisions together

When solving marital problems, you must face them together and decide on the best solution as a couple. A spouse cannot be authoritarian and make decisions for both of you. In fact, this is something that causes marital problems in the first place.

By making decisions together, you can both have peace of mind knowing that you have considered your partner’s feelings and concerns. Avoid the urge to insist on what you want or to do things your way. Keep an open mind and encourage your spouse to share their opinions.

If you’re having a heated argument, think about ways to de-escalate the conflict and try to keep things light.

6. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings

Have you ever found yourself opening up to your feelings and then having those feelings shut down or dismissed? It’s not a good feeling. It makes you feel undervalued and unnoticed.

You don’t want your spouse to feel this way. As you try to resolve conflicts in your marriage, you need to encourage each other. Give your spouse the opportunity to speak up and express their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with her, don’t dismiss her feelings. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand why they feel the way they do. Check out what you can do to deal with these feelings. That’s what couples in healthy marriages do.

7. Understand it’s not a competition

It’s not uncommon for spouses to feel the need to “win” an argument. It feeds their ego and makes them feel good when they prove their spouse wrong about certain things.

This attitude should not solve your marital problems. When you win an argument, your relationship often loses. It shouldn’t be about who wins or loses; Focus on solving problems in your marriage so you can be happy and healthy.

8. Keep a positive attitude

This might sound like an obvious tip, but most couples who are fighting find it difficult to stay positive. Successful couples are the ones who can maintain a positive perspective throughout their relationship, even when it comes to marital issues.

The fact that you and your partner are taking steps to address your issues is a good sign. This should inspire you to think positively about the future of your relationship. Hold onto that positive attitude and find ways to salvage your relationship, especially if you both think it’s worth saving.

9. Give your partner space

Most spouses are so desperate to resolve issues in their marriage that they end up smothering their other half. However, if you deal with marital problems in this way, things will only get worse.

Give your spouse space to think and reflect. It also gives you a chance to see things from their perspective. When you give each other space, you don’t act on feelings, but on logic and reasoning.

verse in the Quran

4:34 in the U.S. script

Recitation of 4:34 in the Quran

An-Nisa 4:34 is the 34th verse in the fourth chapter of the Qur’an.[1] This verse judges a man’s role as his wife’s protector and provider and how he should deal with unfaithfulness on her part. Scholars differ widely on the implications of this verse, with many Muslim apologists arguing that it serves as a deterrent to anger-based domestic violence;[2] while some Muslims, such as Islamic feminist groups, argue that the text is a Justification for domestic violence is violence.[3] The translation of the verse is also the subject of debate among Muslim scholars, which may read “beat them [wives]” or “(lightly) beat” or “hit” or “flagellate” depending on the translator. Also, as stated in a hadith transmitted by Abu Huraira, it was forbidden to slap anyone in the face.[4]

English translations[edit]

Arthur John Arberry:[5]

Men are the stewards of women’s affairs because God generously chose one of them over another, and for this they spent of their wealth. Righteous women are therefore obedient and keep the secret of God’s guardianship. And those who fear you can be rebellious, admonish; banish them to their couches and beat them. If they then obey you, do not seek a way against them; God is all-high, all-great. – Arthur John Arberry, The Koran Interpreted, Sura An Nisa Ayat 34

George Sale:[6]

Men should be given priority over women because of the advantages by which Allah allows one of them to excel over the other and what they spend of their possessions to support their wives. The honest wives are obedient, cautious in the absence of their husbands so that Allah preserves them by entrusting them to the care and protection of men. But blame those whose depravity you will fear; and put them in separate dwellings and chastise them. But if they obey you, seek no cause for quarrel with them; for Allah is high and great.

Marmaduke Pickthall:[7]

Men are responsible for women because Allah has made one of them to surpass the other and because they spend from their wealth (for the sustenance of women). Such good wives are the obedient ones who secretly guard what Allah has guarded. Those from whom you fear rebellion she admonishes and banishes to separate beds and scourges. If they then obey you, do not seek a way against them. Please refer! Allah is always high, exalted, great.

Muhammad Taqi Usmani

Men are providers of women because Allah has caused some of them to excel the others and because of the wealth they have expended. So the righteous wives are obedient, (and) guard (the property and honor of their husbands) in (their) absence with the protection granted by Allah. As for the women you fear rebelling against, persuade them and put them in separate beds and beat them. Then, if they obey you, do not seek a way against them. Verily, Allah is the Highest, the Greatest.

dr Mustafa Khattab

Men are the providers of women because men have been provided for by Allah through women and have been commissioned to support them financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and protect what Allah has entrusted to them when they are alone. And if you notice bad behavior from your wives, advise them “first” “if they insist” not to share their beds, “but if they still insist” then “gently” discipline them. But if they change their ways, don’t be unfair to them. Verily, Allah is Most High, All Great.

Abdullah Yusuf Ali:[7]

Men are the protectors and preservers of women because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and they support them with their means. Therefore the righteous women obey with all their hearts and guard in (the absence of the husband) what Allah would have them guard. As for the women on whose part you fear infidelity and bad behavior, (first) admonish them, (first) refuse to share their beds, (and last) hit them (lightly); but when they return to obedience, do not seek means (of anger) against them: for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all).

Sahih International, on Quran.com:[8]

Men are responsible for women by [right] what Allah has given to the other and what they spend [for sustenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in [man’s] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] counsel them; [then if they persist] leave them in bed; and [finally] beat them. But if they obey you [once again], do not seek any means against them. Verily, Allah is always Exalted and Great.[9]

Ahmad Shafaat:[10][better source needed]

Men are (supposed to be just and kind) keepers of women because God has favored some more than others and because they (i.e. men) spend of their wealth. (For your part) righteous wives are (should) be devoted and guard what God has guarded (willed) even when it is not visible (of the husband). As for those (women) from whose part you fear evil intentions and behavior, admonish them (first), leave them alone (next) to beat them in beds (and last), or separate them (from you ). But if they obey you, then seek nothing against them. Behold, God is Most High and Greatest.

Muhsin Khan, on Quran.com:[8]

Men are the protectors and preservers of women because Allah has made one of them to surpass the other and they spend from their means (to support them). Therefore, the righteous wives (Allah and their husbands) are devotedly obedient and guard in the man’s absence what Allah commands them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). As for the women whose side you see bad behavior on, admonish them (first), (first), refuse to share their beds, (and last) hit them (lightly if useful) , but when they return to obedience, do not seek means (of anger) against them. Verily, Allah is the Most High, the Greatest.

Muhammad Tahir-ul-Qadri:[11][better source needed]

Men are keepers of women because Allah made one above the other and (also) because men spend their wealth (on them). So the pious women are obedient. They guard (their chastity) in the absence of their husbands with the protection of Allah. But those women you fear will disobey and oppose them, admonish them; and (if they do not reform) separate them (from you) in beds; and (if they still don’t mend) turn away from them and make a temporary breakup. Then, when they become cooperative with you, don’t seek a way against them. Verily, Allah is the Highest, the Greatest.

Laleh Bakhtiar, PhD:[12][13]

Men support wives because God has given some of them an advantage over others and because they spend their wealth. So those who agree with morality are those who are morally bound, those who keep the secret of what God has protected. But those whose opposition you fear, then admonish them and leave them in their sleeping place, then go away from them; and if they obey you, certainly seek no way against them; verily, God is exalted, great.

Maulvi Sher Ali on behalf of the Ahmadiyya religion:[14]

Men are guardians over women because Allah has caused some of them to excel others and because they (men) spend from their wealth. Thus, virtuous wives are those who are obedient and keep their husbands’ secrets with Allah’s protection. And those whose disobedience you fear, admonish them and leave them alone in their beds and discipline them. If they then obey you, do not seek a way against them. Verily Allah is high, great.

verse [edit]

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ ۚ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ ۖ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا

transliteration[edit]

ar-rijālu qawwamūna ʿala -n-nisāʾi bimā faḍḍala – llāhu baʿḏahum ʿala baʿḍin wa bimā ʾanfaqū min ʾamwālihim fa-ṣ-ṣāliḥātu qānitātun ḥāfiẓātun l-il-ghaybi bimā ḥafiẓa -llāhu wa-l-lātī takhāfūna nushūzahunna fa-ʿiẓūhunna w-ahjurūhunna fi-l-maḍāji’ w-aḍribūhunna fa’in ‘aṭa’nakum falā tabghū ‘alayhinna sabīlan ‘inna -llāha kāna ‘alīyyan kabīran

Verses in context[edit]

Do not covet something in which Allah has made some of you superior to others. Men have a share of what they have earned and women have a share of what they have earned. Pray to Allah for His mercy. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing of everything. For everyone We have made heirs in what was left by parents and next of kin. To those to whom you have made a promise, give them their shares. Verily, Allah is witness over everything. Men are providers of women because Allah has caused some of them to excel the others and because of the wealth they have expended. So the righteous wives are obedient, (and) guard (the property and honor of their husbands) in (their) absence with the protection granted by Allah. She persuades women from whom you fear rebellion, keep them in separate beds and beat them. Then, if they obey you, do not seek a way against them. Surely Allah is the Highest, the Greatest. If you fear a division between them (the spouses), send an arbiter from his people and one from their people. If they want to put things right, Allah will bring harmony between them. Verily Allah is All-Knowing, All-Knowing (Al-Quran 32-35)

Background of the verse[ edit ]

There are a number of translations of this verse from the original Arabic, and all differ to some degree.[15] Some Muslims, such as Islamic feminist groups, argue that Muslim men use the text as an excuse for domestic violence.[3]

In Muhammad’s farewell sermon, as recorded in al-Tabari’s story,[16] and in a Sahih hadith collected by Abu Dawood, he gave husbands permission under certain circumstances to beat their wives without severity (ففاضْضْرِstoss, ض ضْlinna, غا غsal Banna غغ غغ & ْْ & οَْ & ْْgraْégrakopf, Mubarrih; literal translation: “…then beat her, a beating without severity”) When the cousin and companion of Muhammad, Ibn Abbas, replied: “I asked Ibn Abbas: ‘What is it the beating which is ‘without severity’ ‘?” He replied [with] the siwak (racket) and the like.”[18] Muhammad himself never hit a woman and forbade hitting one’s own wife[19] or hitting her slapping face.[20]

Another hadith narration of the farewell sermon appears in Sunan Ibn Majah. The Arabic expression mentioned above is translated here as “hit them, but without causing injury or leaving a mark”.

It was narrated that: Sulaiman bin Amr bin Ahwas said: My father told me that he was present at the farewell pilgrimage with the Messenger of Allah. He praised and glorified Allah and reminded and admonished (the people). Then he said: ‘I order women to be treated well, for they are prisoners with you and you have no right to treat them differently unless they are clearly committing indecency. If they do, leave them in their beds and hit them, but without leaving any injuries or marks. If they obey you, then do not seek trouble against them. You have rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you. Your rights over your wives are not to allow anyone you don’t like to step on your bedding (furniture) and not to allow anyone you don’t like to enter your homes. And their right to you is that you treat them kindly as to their clothing and food.’ ” Grade: Sahih[21]

‘A’isha said: The Messenger of Allah (saas) never hit a servant or a woman.[22]

There were several fatwas against domestic violence.[23][24] Feminist writers have argued that society during the Qur’anic period differed from modern times, particularly in the way children were raised and educated, which created a need for gender roles. However, these scholars emphasize that the Quran can be interpreted differently as society changes.[25][26][27]

Jonathan A.C. Brown gives the broader scholarly bias when it comes to the verse:

Inheriting the Prophet’s uneasiness about domestic violence, the vast majority of ulama in the Sunni schools of thought further qualified the apparent meaning of the “women’s beating verse.” A leading Meccan scholar from the second generation of Muslims, Ata’ bin Abi Rabah, advised a husband not to hit his wife even if she ignored him, but to express his anger in other ways. Darimi, a teacher of both Tirmidhi and Muslim bin Hajjaj and a leading early scholar in Iran, collected all the hadith showing Muhammad’s disapproval of beating in a chapter entitled “The Prohibition of Beating Women.” A thirteenth-century Granada scholar, Ibn Faras, states that a camp of the ulama had taken a stance which forbade the beating of a woman altogether, declared it contrary to the example of the Prophet and denied the authenticity of all hadiths that said it seemed to allow hitting. Even Ibn Hajar, the pillar of late medieval Sunni hadith scholarship, concludes that contrary to what appears to be an explicit command in the Qur’an, the Prophet’s hadiths leave no doubt that beating one’s wife, to discipline them, in fact, falls under the Sharia ruling of “very unpopular” or “rejected, almost forbidden.”[28]

The first part of the verse about men having authority over women is meant for obedience to God, not to the husband.[29]

Background on the roles of men and women in Islam[edit]

The Qur’an says that men are responsible for women because God has favored one over the other and they are responsible for providing for them. However, women are granted a degree of autonomy over their own income and wealth.[30] Nevertheless, they are responsible for the upbringing of the children, since God has given preference to the one. The man is also considered the head of the family.[31] The Qur’an recommends wives to be obedient and conformable to their husbands. Wives should also keep their husbands’ secrets and protect their honor and integrity. Islamic scholars consider this important to run a smooth family system.[32]

Divorced women must wait three month periods to engage themselves. Nor is it permissible for them to hide what Allah has created in their bodies if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have a better right to take them back at this time if they want a reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a certain (advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Might, Wise. (Qu’ran 2:228)[33]

For both men and women, zulm—known in English as “cruelty” to someone—is expressly forbidden.[3]

Common treatment of genders in the Qur’an[edit]

Equality between men and women is discussed in many places in the text.

Then Satan began whispering suggestions to them and showing them all their shame (Qur’an 7:20)[34]

The Qur’an is also very specific in saying that both men and women should receive the same punishment for wrongdoing (24:2), and that God bestows Paradise upon a believer who does a righteous deed, whether male or female will give (4:124 ).

The woman and the man who are guilty of adultery or fornication – whip each of them with a hundred welts (Quran 24:2)[35]

Whoever does good, whether male or female, and he is a believer, he will go to heaven and will not be wronged in the slightest. (Quran 4:124)[36]

Relationships between men and women in the time of Muhammad[edit]

The scholar Amina Wadud writes about the importance of women in the time of Muhammad in her book Qur’an and Women. During that time, women did not have access to the technology that women have today; Having children and raising them was much more difficult due to illness and lack of health knowledge. For this reason, Wadud writes: “The Qur’an establishes his [man’s] responsibility as qiwamah: to see that women are not burdened with additional responsibilities that jeopardize this primary demanding responsibility which only they can fulfil.”[37 ] The need to reproduce and raise children contributed to the importance of gender roles in Muhammad’s time.

The scholar Ayesha Chaudhry[38] writes that many Muslims have this fundamentally flawed way of examining the text and writes that “despite the potential of such verses [4:34] to have multiple simple meanings, vibrant Muslim communities follow these interpretations into conversation with the pre-colonial Islamic tradition”.[39]

Examples of Muhammad[ edit ]

The late Ayatollah Sayyid Muhammad Hussein Tabataba’i (1903-1981 AD) in his Mizan provides the following exegesis of 4:34 from Sunni and Shia sources:

Ibn Abi Hatim narrated from al-Hasan through Ash’ath ibn ‘Abdil-Malik that he said: “A woman came to the Prophet and complained to her husband that he had beaten her. The Messenger of Allah said: “Retribution”. Then Allah revealed the verse: “Men receive the women… (4:34); so the woman returned without retribution [ad-Durr ‘l-munthur, as-Suyuti]. [as-Suyuti] narrated it from the Prophet through other chains as well. Some of them say that the Messenger of Allah said: “I wanted one thing (retribution), but Allah decided otherwise”…there were some cases where Allah had changed some prophetic commands by adding or deleting something, but it was so only in his administrative order, not in matters of the law he decreed for his people, otherwise it would have been an invalid annulment… The Messenger of Allah used to ask himself aloud, “How can you embrace the woman with one hand? hit her with it?” It is also narrated in al-Kafi by his chain of Abu Maryam from Abu Ja’far (Imam Muhammad al-Baqir) that he said: “The Messenger of Allah said: “What! You have his hit woman and then tried to hug her?”. Countless such statements can be found in the traditions; and one can understand from them the Islamic views on the subject.[40]

Al-Tabari (839-923 AD) wrote: “The Prophet never raised his hand against any of his wives, or against a slave, or against any person at all.” When Muhammad faced the rebellion of his wives, Al- Tabari, instead of hitting her, that he instead “stayed away from his wives for 29 nights.”[41]

Debates and discussions about the text[edit]

In response to nushûz, admonition, it is permissible to leave wives in their beds and idribihunna. Islamic scholars agree that such acts should not be undertaken for any reason other than those mentioned in the Qur’an (see nushûz).[42]

Authority of men[edit]

This assigns men authority, qawwamun, over women, on condition that men are responsible for earning income on behalf of women and for spending their property to support women, i.e. clothing, housing and food.[43]

Obedience or Qanitat[ edit ]

The verse commands women to be qanitat. The term was used in Qur’an 33:35 to mean men and women alike who are obedient to God. Some commentators use the term to mean obedience to the husband, while others claim that it means obedience to God.[44] Some scholars agree that the husband does not have absolute control over his wife and her first allegiance is to God.[45]

admonish them [edit]

The first response to nushuz is wā’z (‘وَعَظ’), meaning to first admonish or scold the woman for her behavior.[32] There is strong agreement among Muslim scholars that this admonition must be given in a spirit of reconciliation.[46]

leaving them alone in beds[edit]

According to Tafsir ibn Kathir, a well-known Qur’anic commentary. He describes in his exegesis.

The authors of Sunan and Musnad narrated that Mu’awiyah bin Haydah Al-Qushayri said: “O Messenger of Allah! What right does the wife of one of us have over him? buy clothes, don’t slap them in the face, don’t curse them, and don’t leave them except in the house.[47]

If the nushuz persists, the next step is to refuse to share the bed with the woman. Again, Muslim scholars emphasize the spirit of healing while performing this action.[46]

to hit them (iḍribūhunna) [ edit ]

There are a number of translations of the original Arabic 4:34.[48]

The term iḍribūhunna (usually translated as “they beat”) in 4:34 is the imperative form of the phrase ḍaraba (Arabic: ضرب‎ “to hit, hit, hit, or hit”).[49] Scholars interpret iḍribūhunna in different ways. While the consensus interprets it as “to strike”, some hold that the term means “to disconnect”.[46][50] Such an action can only be brought if neither the husband nor the wife are willing to divorce.[51]

The term daraba is translated “beat” by Yusuf Ali, but the Arabic word is used elsewhere in the Qur’an to convey other meanings. The phrase “Daraba Allah Mathalan”[52] translated means “Allah gives an example or gives an example.”[53] The use of this word could be compared to the way “to strike” is used in English, which can mean “strike a pose” or “make a deal,” which does not just refer to the physical act of hitting.[54] The use of daraba is also intentional because there is another Arabic word, daraba, which translates to “beat repeatedly or intensely.”[55]

Muslim scholars who allow the beating emphasize that it should not be hard[51][56][57] but rather light.[58][59][60][61] Muslim men must never slap their spouse in the face or hit him in such a way that it marks his body. Scholars suggest that the response administered should be proportionate to the error committed.[62] Traditionally, the idea of ​​hitting was “with a toothbrush”[63][64][65] or “with a folded handkerchief”.[66] Jonathan A.C. Brown summarizes the situation:

If a wife exhibited outrageous disobedience (nushuz), such as uncharacteristic abusive behavior, left home against her husband’s will and without a valid excuse, or refused sex to her husband (without medical reasons), the husband should first exhort her to be conscious of God and Proper Etiquette. If she didn’t stop her behavior, he should stop sleeping with her in her bed. If she still remained in her nushuz, he should then beat her to teach her the mistakes of her ways. The Schaffi law only allowed the husband to use his hand or a rolled-up handkerchief (mina malfuf), not a whip or stick. All schools of law forbid hitting the woman’s face or sensitive areas that could cause injury. All but a few Maliki jurists held that the wife could claim compensation (diya) from the husband for any harm suffered, and Hanbalis, the later Shaffii school as well as the Maliki school, allowed a judge to dissolve the marriage free of charge woman if damage had been done. In fact, any bodily injury was grounds for compensation and divorce, since the Prophet had limited the beating of one’s wife to “a light blow that leaves no mark.” Causing an injury thus meant that a husband had exceeded his rights. All schools of law agreed that if the wife died as a result of caning, her family could claim her wergild or possibly even have the husband executed.[67]

Many jurists interpret iḍribūhunna as “more or less symbolic”.[68][69] However, others [who?] argue that a merely token administration would be meaningless and should rather be an “energetic demonstration” of the husband’s love. But everyone agrees that the demonstration should not seriously hurt the wife.[51]

The 2007 translation of The Sublime Quran by Laleh Bakhtiar does not translate iḍribūhunna as “beat them” but as “get away from them”. The introduction to her translation discusses the linguistic and sharia reasons in Arabic to understand this verb in context. Muhammad never hit his wives and his Sunnah example informs the interpretation of this verse. Supporting this interpretation is the fact that some other verses, such as 4:101, which contains the word darabtum (derivative of daraba), also demonstrate the interpretation of the Arabic word daraba meaning “to walk” or “to move.” [12]

The Islamic scholar Tahir-ul-Qadri has given the same translation in his translation of the Koran, Irfan-ul-Quran: “(…) and (if they still do not improve) turn away from them and say a temporary farewell.(.. .)”.[70] This translation is further supported by the fact that the word “darabtum” is used in the same chapter (particularly in Qur’an 4:94), meaning “to go abroad for the sake of Allah” and from the same root word (“daraba”) is derived as “idribuhunna” in 4:34.[71]

Saudi scholar Abdul Rahman al-Sheha’s book Woman in the Shade of Islam states that a man may only “hit” his wife if he does so without “hurting himself, breaking a bone, blue or black Leaving stains on the body and avoiding hitting them face at all costs.”

A widely circulated 1930 English translation of the Qur’an by British Muslim scholar Marmaduke Pickthall defines the verse as a last resort for men to “flagellate” their wives.[3]

Some jurists argue that even if beating is acceptable in the Qur’an, it is still not permitted.[72][73][74]

In his book No God but God, University of Southern California scholar Reza Aslan explained that misinterpretations of the text arose because the Qur’anic commentary was “the exclusive domain of Muslim men.”[3]

According to Islamic tradition, the Islamic prophet Mohammed himself never hit a woman in an argument. This fact is sometimes cited in debates about the text.[3]

Muslim feminist writer Asra Q. Nomani has argued:

In fact, Muslim scholars and leaders have long performed what I call the “4:34 dance”—rejecting outright violence against women but accepting a level of aggression consistent with contemporary definitions of domestic violence.[3]

Feminist author Amina Wadud writes in her book Inside the Gender Jihad: Women’s Reform in Islam:[1]

No community will ever be exactly like the other. Therefore, no community can be a duplicate of this original community. The Koran never mentions this as a goal. Rather, the goal was to emulate certain key principles of human development; Justice, justice, harmony, moral responsibility, spiritual awareness and development.[75]

Ibn Ishaq has said that Muhammad said the following in his farewell sermon:[1] [Ehefrauen] sollten keine offene Unanständigkeit (Fāḥishah Mubiyya) begehen. Wenn sie es tun, dann erlaubt dir Gott, sie in getrennte Räume zu sperren und sie zu schlagen, aber nicht ernsthaft.

Nada Ibrahim von der University of South Australia gibt an, dass drei Wörter – qawwamuna, nushuzahunna und wadribuhunna – aufgrund des Fehlens gleichwertiger englischer Alternativen falsch übersetzt werden. Sie erklärt, dass insbesondere die englischsprachigen Korankommentatoren nicht nur einer Übersetzung des Wortes Wadribuhunna zugestimmt haben und dass „unter den englischsprachigen Korankommentatoren eine klare Meinungsverschiedenheit darüber besteht, wie dieses Wort am besten übersetzt werden kann. Alle Übersetzungen ergeben eine explizit negative Konnotation und – aus dem Kontext gerissen – verschärft jedes Missverständnis weiter.“[76]

Die Schlüsselwörter in Vers 34 der Sure An-Nisa haben verschiedene Bedeutungen, von denen jede uns ermöglicht, einen bestimmten Aspekt, eine bestimmte Bedeutung und eine bestimmte Materie zu erkennen. Jeder Aspekt, d.h. Bedeutungen, die von Kommentatoren, Übersetzern und Gelehrten im Laufe der Geschichte für diesen Vers vorgeschlagen wurden, entspricht einem bestimmten gewohnten System der Familie in der Geschichte. „Zarb“ bedeutet nicht Körperverletzung oder irgendeine Form von Gewalt gegen Frauen. Vielmehr bedeutet es eine praktische Handlung, um ungehorsame Frauen zu inspirieren, den legitimen Rechten ihres Ehepartners zu gehorchen.[77]

Wenn sie gehorchen [Bearbeiten]

Im Kommentar des Korans ist die Exegese dieses Teils des Verses wie folgt:

(aber wenn sie zum Gehorsam zurückkehren, suche keine Mittel (zum Ärger) gegen sie), was bedeutet, wenn die Frau ihrem Ehemann in allem, was Allah erlaubt hat, gehorcht, dann sind keine Mittel des Ärgers vom Ehemann gegen seine Frau erlaubt. Daher hat der Ehemann in diesem Fall nicht das Recht, sie zu schlagen oder ihr Bett zu meiden. Allahs Aussage,[78]

Verherrlichung Gottes [Bearbeiten]

Ibn Kathir im Kommentar dieses Teils des Verses sagt:

Wahrlich, Allah ist der Allerhöchste, der Größte.) erinnert die Männer daran, dass Allah, der Allerhöchste, der Größte, ihr Beschützer ist, wenn sie sich ohne Rechtfertigung gegen ihre Frauen vergehen, und Er wird sich an denen rächen, die gegen sie verstoßen haben Ehefrauen und behandelt sie ungerecht.[78]

See also[edit]

You begin to feel unhappy in your marriage. You and your spouse didn’t spend as much time together as they used to. There is a distance between the two of you and your interactions have cooled. As happy as you were when you got married, you have no idea how you got to this point.

This is supposed to be your soulmate, right? So, what’s up? Do you still know this person at all?

Long before we even get married, we imagine that once we are married to our soulmate, that person will fulfill all of our needs. But that’s not true, because even after we’ve taken our vows, we’re still the same people with the same baggage and emotional wiring.

Even if you love your spouse very much, sometimes you will feel unhappy and alone. That is normal; It is not an indicator that something has gone wrong in your marriage.

There will be times when outside stressors invade your marriage and dampen your happiness. There will also be times when you both need to invest extra energy in each other to get back on your feet.

Don’t get scared; With hard work and perseverance, you and your spouse will be able to get through the unfortunate times you face together. Here are a few tips to help you get through.

1. Get to know yourself again

When you date, you spend a lot of time getting to know each other. After being married for several years, you think you still know each other – but your tastes change over time, and your old favorites are no longer your new favorites.

Being married is an ongoing process of getting to know your spouse over the course of your relationship.

Taking time to intentionally learn the things that are important to your spouse will avoid boredom. It’s easy to become disinterested in someone you think you know and think really hasn’t changed since you got married. If you make the effort to constantly learn about your spouse, you will find that he or she will fascinate you.

Husbands beware: we heard about a study conducted by a great researcher on marriage and what makes the happiest couples happy. A corollary he discovered was how well the husband knew his wife. (Because women tend to tune into small details, there wasn’t much turnover for them.)

Basically, how well attuned husbands are to their wives’ favorites (movie, paint, flower, perfume—whatever is most important to them) directly affects the level of relationship satisfaction.

A great way to get to know each other again is by working with Love Talk Starters. The book contains 275 questions to stimulate conversation and help you learn more about each other.

Spend some time getting to know each other better and watch the level of happiness and fulfillment in your marriage grow.

2. Be generous to one another

It is important to cultivate a spirit of generosity towards your spouse. In fact, it’s the best marital insurance you can invest in.

Being generous has little to do with money; Spending extra time and effort on your spouse will make a huge difference in your marriage.

Small things count BIG. Offer your husband or wife small comforts, tokens of affection, extra help, or special attention. If your wife loves getting her back massaged, offer it to her — don’t wait for her to ask. Or if your husband likes to have coffee in the morning before he goes to work, prepare it for him and maybe add something special like a flavoring or creamer that he likes.

However, be careful not to count. Being nitpicking and keeping track of everything is definitely not the way to bring happiness back into your marriage.

When it comes to giving your spouse special attention, go above and beyond to show generosity and selflessness. The impression you make on him or her will be difficult to ignore.

3. Spend more time together

A great way to bring happiness back into your relationship is to make more time for each other — valuable, energetic time, not the leftovers after you’re already exhausted.

You both need time to hang out together when you can be playful and affectionate with each other. You can’t do that if your focus is on kids or your to-do list.

It’s easy to get stuck and comfortable in patterns that are starving your marriage of that special one-on-one time, but it’s imperative that you find ways to spark each other’s desire for that companionship.

Be fully present as you create space each day to slow down together. These moments are crucial to the well-being of your marriage.

Share your dreams; inspire each other. What do you dream of as a couple? Perhaps you can plan a special vacation that will mark a new day in your relationship.

If you’re struggling to find the time to make time for each other, we encourage you to take our very short time test. It will help you identify your key time style (and that of your spouse) and give you insight into each other’s approach to time. This will set you on the right path to creating moments just for the two of you.

4. Don’t be a victim

When happiness in a marriage wanes over time, it is rarely the fault of either spouse. And when you find yourself in this situation, it’s incredibly easy to point the finger at your husband or wife by mentally listing, re-listing the mistakes and behaviors that you think are to blame, and yourself notice.

Any time you are faced with an ongoing or long-term unhappiness issue in your relationship, it is your responsibility to take a look at your life and what role you might be playing in your situation.

Instead of taking on the victim role and assigning your spouse the role of oppressor, focus on becoming a healthier, happier person. Work on yourself and make the necessary changes to take you to a better place.

Ask yourself what changes you can make in your own behavior or in the way your spouse treats you to ease some of the burden of your marriage.

When you make positive changes yourself, it affects your spouse. It will affect how you see yourself, how your spouse sees you, and ultimately it will benefit your relationship.

When your spouse abuses you, neglects you, or abuses you, healing can help you set appropriate boundaries, protect yourself, and make change. Make sure you seek support from a professional advisor and trusted friends or family members as you work towards a healthier future.

5. Practice forgiveness

As Ruth Bell Graham once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” No matter what you experience in your relationship, it is imperative that you and your spouse are willing to forgive each other’s shortcomings.

Marital forgiveness is the only way to move forward through a time of adversity. It’s likely that both of you did (or didn’t do) and said (or didn’t say) hurtful things before and during this time.

While it’s tempting to hold on to this negativity as an excuse to keep your spouse at arm’s length from now on, resist whatever fears you have and release your right to exist in a defensive state. Withholding forgiveness will fuel bitterness against one another and drive you further apart.

6. Focus on the positive

When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage, it is easy to allow yourself to be completely drowned in negativity until you are unable to see the positive aspects of your spouse and your life together. At times like these, it’s important to be consciously positive and develop a sense of gratitude for your blessings.

You shouldn’t just take responsibility for your part in the bad situations you face; You must also take responsibility for the good times – that is, what good you can create in your life and get out of it.

Create a daily habit of having multiple positive interactions with your spouse. Thank them for what they do for you; compliment them; Take the time to point out or share something that makes you feel good (or that you know you appreciate).

Gratitude protects you from getting caught up in negativity during times of unhappy marriage.

No matter what happens, always believe that good always wins. When you focus on the good around you, you and your spouse have a much better chance of surviving adversity.

Hold tight

How you feel about your marriage right now isn’t always going to make your marriage feel like.

The truth is, relationships are always changing. Love keeps evolving. Hold on tight as you get through the tough times together. When you come out the other side (and you will!) you will be closer than ever.

For more tips and suggestions on how to make your marriage as happy as possible, read our book Making Happy.

How often do you want to make a heartfelt dua but struggle to convey your words to Allah? Or do you feel like you’re at a loss for words even when you make a general dua? Well, we’ve put together a step-by-step guide on how to make your duas more effective. We have highlighted both the etiquette and actions of dua which will help bring more substance and purpose when asking or speaking to Allah (swt) in general.

“And if my servants ask you about me, then I am certainly very near; I hear the supplicant’s prayer when he calls upon Me, so they should heed My call and believe in Me so that they may walk on the right path.” [2:186]

Etiquette of your Dua:

1. Start with Salawat on the Prophet Saw (Allahummasalli…)

The Prophet (saws) said: “Every Dua is withheld until you send blessings to the Prophet.”

2. Use Allah’s beautiful names to invoke Him. B. Al-Rahman, Al-Raheem, Al-Khaliq

3. Praise Allah as He deserves

4. Face the Qibla

‘Umar (ra) narrated: “…then the Prophet (saw) turned to look at the Qibla, then stretched out his hands and started shouting to his Lord.”

5. Raise your hands to the position where you will make dua

6. Trust that your dua will be accepted and Allah will respond in one way or another

Ibn al-Jawzi (r.) said. “I think part of the test is when a believer pleads and doesn’t get an answer, and he repeats the dua for a long time and sees no sign of an answer. He should realize that this is a test and needs patience.”

7. Ask often – don’t lose hope. Remember, Allah’s kingdom is vast, so don’t limit yourself when asking anything of Him.

8. Be firm in your request – i.e. do not say “Allah forgive me if you wish it”, but ask Allah for exactly what you want.

Content of your dua:

1. Ask Allah for exactly what you want. Talk to Allah as if you were having a conversation with Him. Describe to him what’s on your mind. tell him how you feel Be very precise in your dua.

2. When making dua for all Muslims around the world, don’t just end it with “Allah help all Muslims”. Better be specific, describe to Allah what is going on. Ask Him specifically for those in Rohingya, in Syria, in Gaza, etc. For that, you need to be aware of what is happening with our brothers and sisters around the world. Do your research, stay alert and dua them all.

3. Sometimes when making dua we run out of things to say so we say “ameen” and finish our dua quickly. However, don’t give up when you face this stillness in your dua, stay as you are, you will eventually come up with many more things to dua for.

4. Finally, end your Dua by saluting the Prophet (saw).

We hope you find this guide useful as it will help you structure your dua more efficiently. We pray that Allah (swt) will accept your duas and grant you what is best for you. Please use this guide on the blessed days of Hijjah so that you can get the maximum benefit from it on those blessed days.

Tahajjud prayer is a nafl or voluntary prayer. It is a night prayer offered to gain spiritual strength and peace. It is also known to avert sinful deeds. Prayer (Salat) – one of the five pillars of Islam, is divided into four main types:

Fardh Salat: The Most Important Prayer in Islam; it is obligatory and it is considered a great sin to fail to do so.

The most important prayer in Islam; it is obligatory and it is considered a great sin to fail to do so. Wajib Salat: It is compulsory, and lack of Wajib Salat is also considered a grave sin.

It is mandatory, and the absence of wajib salat is also considered a grave sin. Sunnah Salat: Known as the practice of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), Sunnah Salat is in turn divided into two categories namely Muakkadah and Ghair Muakkadah. The former is to be practiced regularly and the absence of it is considered a sin. However, failing to do the latter, which is said to be practiced by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) at times, is not considered punishable.

Sunnah salat known as the practice of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is in turn divided into two categories namely Muakkadah and Ghair Muakkadah. The former is to be practiced regularly and the absence of it is considered a sin. However, failing to do the latter, which is said to be practiced by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) at times, is not considered punishable. Nafl: The last of the four main types of prayer, Nafl, is not obligatory and is usually performed for an additional virtue. Missing this prayer is not considered a sin.

What is Tahajjud prayer?

Also known as Qiyam-u-lail, Tahajjud prayer falls into the fourth category of prayers i.e. Nafl, meaning that it is optional and its absence is not counted as a sin. Tahajjud prayer is usually performed after Isha (the obligatory night prayer) and before Fajr (the obligatory morning prayer). Tahajjud means giving up sleep, which is why this prayer is preferably performed in the last third of the night. According to Islam, during this part of the night, Allah descends to the lowest heaven to see who worships devoutly and departs from their sleep in the middle of the night.

Importance of Tahajjud prayer

Also known as “night prayer,” Tahajjud prayer is not considered obligatory. However, there is great importance and several blessings associated with tahajjud. The Qiyam-u-lail is considered the most virtuous of the Nafl prayers and is considered part of the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

“And from [part of] the night pray with it as additional [worship] for yourselves; Your Lord is expected to resurrect you to a glorified stage.” (Qur’an, 17:79)

Those who perform Tahajjud prayer regularly will surely deserve the blessings of Allah. It is also said that this prayer brings a Muslim closer to the Almighty and his/her life is filled with peace and brightness. The Holy Quran as well as several Hadith emphasize the importance of Tahajjud prayer.

“And those who spend the night prostrating and standing before their Lord.” (Qur’an, 25:64)

“The Lord descends to the lowest heaven every night when a third of the night is left and says: ‘Who will call on me to answer him? Who will ask me to give to him? Who will ask My forgiveness so that I may forgive him?’” (Bukhari, Muslim)

How to Perform Tahajjud: Prayer Method

Although this prayer is not obligatory, many Muslims around the world strive to incorporate Tahajjud prayer into their daily lives to seek mercy and forgiveness from the Almighty. Here are some important guidelines laid down by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) to perform this prayer:

1. When to pray Tahajjud?

This special Islamic prayer is performed in the last third of the night and before the start of Fajr prayer. The time for this prayer is when angels descend from heaven at Allah’s command to take duas from all the servants of Allah. During this time, Allah forgives the wrongdoers who have atoned for their sins.

2. How many rakats are there in Tahajjud prayer?

One can repeat rakats at will. For tahajjud prayer, two rakats are usually considered sufficient. According to the hadiths, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) frequently performed almost 13 rakats. Here it is also important to remember that rakats for tahajjud prayer should be performed in pairs.

3. How to prepare?

Take proper precautions to wake up in the third part of the night. This may include setting an alarm or asking family members to wake you up before Fajr prayers. Thoroughly clean your face, hands (up to the elbows), head and feet (up to the ankles). Find a peaceful and clean place to perform tahajjud prayer. When you sit down to pray, devote yourself entirely to Allah and His glory. All worries of the mind and heart should be eliminated. Learn to read clearly and correctly.

4. How to pray Tahajjud?

At the beginning of the prayer it is important to remember that the prayer is completed according to the chosen manner, which involves reciting some rakats and suras. The purpose of Tahajjud prayer should also be specified, i.e. whether it is to ask for the mercy of Allah, to give thanks to the Almighty or to glorify the supreme power.

Here is how to recite Tahajjud. To begin with, two rakats of Salah are performed first. One has to stand and recite the verses from the Koran. After this, the prayer is continued by bowing to Allah while placing both hands on the knees. Next, face the ground with palms, nose, and forehead touching the ground in total surrender to the Almighty. In this position, the elbows are slightly raised and the feet are folded. Then stand up and recite “Allahu Akbar”.

After the rakats you can add your own dua for tahajjud prayer. The dua should be sincere and totally devoted to Allah. While performing the prayer, one should acknowledge their wrongdoing and insults and ask Almighty for mercy. Sincerely promise not to repeat the mistakes and strive to become a better person.

3. Exploring Tahajjud

One should take the time to read the Islamic scriptures to get a better understanding of Tahajjud prayer.

One should follow in the footsteps of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) by studying extensively how to perform Tahajjud prayer. This allows one to get closer to Allah and lead a blessed life.

As narrated by Hazrat A’isha (R.A.): “Allah’s Apostle used to offer eleven rakat and that was his prayer. He used to prolong the prostration so that one could recite fifty verses (of the Qur’an) before raising his head. He used to pray two rakats (sunna) before Fajr prayer and then used to lie on his right side until the caller came and informed him about the prayer.” (Bukhari)

Integrating Tahajjud prayer into everyday life is the final and ultimate step. It is an optional prayer but an important one as it brings one closer to Allah. It is also associated with gifts of salvation and forgiveness from Allah, making it a wonderful way of asking for mercy for the sins and mistakes of everyday life. It should also be remembered that the Almighty appreciates performing prayer regularly.

Benefits of Tahajjud prayer

Tahajjud prayer comes with several benefits and rewards. Since tahajjud-salah involves waking up in the middle of sleep, it is said to offer great rewards from the Almighty. Here are some of its benefits along with Hadith regarding the same.

1. Tahajjud prayer is one of the best ways to get close to Allah.

“Be alert when you get up at night [in prayer], for it was the practice of the devout before you. It is a means of attaining closeness to Allah Ta’ala, expiation for transgressions and a barrier from sins.” (Tirmidhi)

2. The Holy Quran also mentions that those who devote time to Tahajjud prayer reap great benefits.

“And the servants of the Most Gracious [Allah] are those who walk lightly on the earth, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace and devote [part of] the night to their prostrating Lord and stand [ in prayer].” (Quran 25:63-64)

3. Tahajjud prayer is that there is inner strength and mental peace. It also has the ability to avert sinful and evil deeds. Also, according to Islamic tradition, the third part of the night is the best time to make wishes/duas.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “During the night there is a time when the Muslim does not ask for the good of this world and the hereafter, but it is given to him, and this happens every night.”

4. Also known as the best among voluntary prayers, a great benefit of performing Tahajjud is that it helps with everyday problems. While performing this prayer one puts complete trust in Allah and leaves all worldly worries behind. When a believer leaves everything to the Almighty, the supreme power supports various sources.

“And He will supply him from (sources) which he could never have imagined. And whoever trusts in Allah, He is sufficient for him. Verily Allah will achieve his goal. Verily, Allah has established a standard for all things.” (Surah Talaq, Chapter 65, V3)

5. It is also said that Tahajjud prayer grants patience even in the face of trouble. Incorporating Tahajjud into the daily routine is known to bring peace to the distressed heart.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The Lord is closest to His servant in the second half of the night, so if you can be one of those who remember Allah at this time, then do so.” (Al -Tirmidhi and al-Nisa’i)

Tahajjud prayer of the Prophet

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also used to perform Tahajjud prayer regularly. He also encouraged his companions to do the same. The Prophet used to wake up in the middle of the night, purify himself, praise Allah and recite the following passage of ten verses from Surat Aal ‘Imran:

“Verily, at the creation of heaven and earth, and the alternation of day and night, are signs for those who understand. (Aal ‘Imran 3:190)”

After that he performed the ablution and started the Tahajjud prayer reciting some verses in praise of Allah. According to Aishah, when the Messenger of Allah got up at night for tahajjud, he used to praise Allah’s greatness ten times and then praise him ten times. Then he said the words “Glory and glory be to Allah” ten times. Then he said ten times “Glory to the Holy King” and asked forgiveness from Allah ten times. Then he said ten times “There is no god but Allah”. Finally he said: “O Allah! I seek refuge in You from the tribulations of this worldly life and the tribulations of the Day of Resurrection.”

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) initially offered two succinct prayer units that became much longer when he used to pray alone. According to Allah’s command in the holy book Quran – “Stand in prayer all night except for a little” (Al-Muzzammil 73:2) – the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to lengthen each step of the Tahajjud prayer, sei be it the supplications, the reciting of the Qur’an or even the opening recitations. He used to begin Tahajjud prayer with total reverence, love and devotion to Allah. The words with which he used to begin his prayer were:

“O Allah! Lord of Gabriel, Michael and Raphael, Maker of heaven and earth, Knower of the seen and the unseen, You will judge between Your servants in that which they once differed. Lead me by Your grace to the truth about what they differ. Verily You lead whom You will to a straight path.”

“I turn my face to the Creator of the heavens and the earth because of pure belief, and I am not of the polytheists. Verily my prayer, my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of all the worlds, who is partnerless. This is as I was commanded, and I am of those who submit. O Allah! You are the king. There is no god but You. You are my Lord and I am your servant. I have been unfair to myself and I confess my sins, so forgive me all my sins, for indeed no one forgives sins but you. Lead me to the best behavior. No one leads to what is best but you. Keep me from bad behavior because nobody but you can do this for me. Here I am. I heed your call and am happy to serve you. All good is in your hands and no evil is yours. I exist by your will and will return to you. You are blessed and exalted. I seek your forgiveness and repent to you.”

Tahajjud is an important prayer, although not obligatory. Its benefits are immense and can help bring peace and spirituality to the everyday life of a Muslim who carries it out with devotion and diligence.

Every marriage is unique. However, there are general warning signs and red flags that could indicate serious problems in a marriage. If you find yourself with these concerns, don’t ignore them and hope they just go away. They don’t usually do this, and if left unnoticed, they could actually get worse.

Instead, you need to be open, honest, and respectful with your spouse about the issues in your marriage. It can be a difficult conversation, but it is necessary.

Common warning signs of a troubled marriage

Every relationship will have its ups and downs, but there are some signs you should look closely to see if they are the result of something not working well in your marriage. Here are 10 common signs of marital troubles to look out for.

They always criticize each other

Sure, a little constructive criticism can be good. But if you dish out more criticism than compliments, you’re heading for trouble. Research shows that to maintain a good relationship, you need five (or more) positive interactions to counter every negative one.

You’re not having sex anymore

Everyone goes through ups and downs in the bedroom. If you don’t want to rip your partner’s clothes off every night, don’t panic. But if you’re both physically healthy enough to have sex but have gone months or even years without sex, a deeper issue — like a lack of emotional intimacy or romance — may be the problem.

Sex may not be everything, but it is an important part of a healthy, romantic relationship. A study published in Social Psychology and Personality Science in 2015 found that, on average, happy couples had sex once a week.

You keep making the same argument over and over again

Fighting happens in every marriage, even healthy ones. In fact, research suggests that couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the rug.

But if your time together is plagued by endless repetitions of the same argument and there is no resolution, chances are there is a major breakup between the two of you. It doesn’t take long before you start avoiding each other for fear of sparking another argument.

They don’t fight anymore

Contrary to the previous point, a lack of arguments can also signal a big problem. It may seem like a relief when your conflicted relationship suddenly turns into a conflict-free relationship. But when the healthy arguments have stopped, it could be a sign that one or both of you have given up.

Sure, a lot of arguments are worrying. But not fighting at all could mean that you both believe there’s nothing left in your relationship worth fighting for. Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate – it’s indifference.

They don’t like spending time together

Another red flag: You realize you’d rather spend time with someone than your partner. Spending time apart is healthy for your relationship. But if you keep finding excuses to spend all your free time away from your partner, you’ve already started the breakup process.

They start keeping secrets

It’s perfectly normal to want to keep some things to yourself. Deliberately keeping secrets—let’s say you had dinner alone with a co-worker who finds you attractive, casually hung out with an ex, or bought those expensive shoes you said you wouldn’t—is a red flag for your relationship it could be in trouble.

Keeping secrets only sows distrust in a relationship. Once that trust is broken, it is difficult to repair.

You’re thinking about having an affair

According to relationship experts, finding someone other than your partner attractive from time to time is 100% completely normal. After all, getting into a relationship doesn’t turn off your normal biological functioning.

Whats wrong? Fantasizing about being with that person. If your mind is constantly consumed by someone you find attractive other than your partner, then you are clearly missing out on something in your current relationship.

You’re not the first person you call

In a healthy marriage, you see your partner as a focal point for emotional support, in good times and bad. Even though you confide in your family and friends, it usually isn’t to the same degree as your partner. After all, your partner is your “person”.

If your partner isn’t the first person you turn to when you’re feeling down — or to celebrate your accomplishments — it may be a sign that something has gone wrong.

Don’t wait to seek help

If you feel like the problems in your marriage are unresolvable, it’s time to seek professional help. That said, to get the most out of marriage counseling, don’t wait until your marriage is beyond repair.

A marriage therapist can be an ally for your marriage. Rather than taking sides, they help you and your partner gain perspective and develop the communication skills needed to change the patterns that have stuck you. With their help, you and your partner can identify and change unhealthy patterns and rediscover the love you once felt for each other.

If it seems like you’re the only one trying and your spouse doesn’t seem to care, is it still possible to save your marriage?

We’ve collected the insights of some experts to help you figure out how to fight and save your marriage on your own.

dr Margaret Paul Psychologist | Author | Relationship Expert | Co-Creator, Inner Bonding

All relationships form a system. Sometimes it’s a healthy system where each person loves and values ​​themselves and takes responsibility for their own feelings – and they come together to share the love and support each other.

But often the system is dysfunctional, such as when one person tries to control with anger, guilt, and criticism, and the other person withdraws and resists control.

These people give up on themselves and when they come together it is to get love or avoid pain rather than to share love.

Change for the better

When the marriage falls apart and a person is willing to do their inner work to save it, then they must work to let go of their end of the system. When one person changes their end of the system, the entire system changes.

For example, when an angry and demanding person learns to love themselves and take responsibility for their own feelings instead of blaming their partner and then trying to control love with anger, the withdrawn person may feel secure enough to to reconnect.

If the withdrawn person learns to love themselves and take responsibility for their own feelings instead of closing themselves off, they may have the courage to be honest with their partner about how their partner’s anger and guilt is affecting them affect. This can lead to more open communication.

See also: How to Become a Better Husband, How to Become a Better Wife, and Improve Marriage.

Take responsibility for your emotions

The key to saving your marriage is learning to love and value yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings instead of constantly letting yourself down with anger, withdrawal, resistance, or indulgence.

When everyone learns to love themselves, then they can come to each other with love instead of fear or neediness. There is a big difference between trying to get love or avoiding pain and being willing to share love.

Related: How to Express Your Emotions

Licensed Mental Health Advisor by Genesis Games | Gottman Certified Couples Therapist |

owners, healing connections

Find a therapist who specializes in relationship work for individual therapy

If your relationship is crumbling, it means your own mental health is affected. You are probably afraid, questioning your worth and feeling defeated.

Working with a professional experienced in relationships can help you identify the role you play in your relationship, the good and the bad you contribute to it.

They can help you become aware of negative core beliefs and potential attachment trauma that may be affecting your ability to engage in your relationship in a healthy way. By working on yourself and digging deep, you begin to change the steps of this dance.

Become a pseudo-expert on attachment styles and learn to identify your own, your current partner’s, and all previous partners’. Attachment is at the heart of all relationship problems. We are predisposed to have strong emotional connections with others, and when we feel disconnected we are predisposed to reach out and protest.

Understanding the dynamics between partners with different attachment styles can help you identify where the breakup lies and how it can be repaired. Knowing the attachment style of previous partners can help you identify patterns that you are attracted to.

Become aware of your dance

What excites your partner? What are they doing that triggers you? What is your reaction when triggered and what is theirs? What’s your counterattack and what’s hers? How do we feel after an argument?

For example: If my partner doesn’t check in all day, I feel like he doesn’t care about me. Maybe like I’m not a priority and I’m starting to feel separate.

To reconnect, I sent him a cold message with a critical message. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. He thinks he can’t please me and that creates frustration and inadequacy. He replies defensively and the fight begins via text message. The struggle leaves us even more separated, dissatisfied with the relationship and alone.

Recognize if a follower/distance pattern is underway

Here, a partner longs for more emotional closeness and actively protests when they feel separated. The other partner needs more time to process events inside and outside of the relationship. They often feel overwhelmed by the pursuer’s demands to connect and disconnect, and feel like they’re not “good enough.”

They shut down not because they don’t care about the pursuer, but because they do and fear that if they say or do the wrong thing they will make things worse. It’s a constant push and pull, the more the pursuer pushes, the more the spacer pulls away. This leaves both partners feeling frustrated, defeated, alone, and ashamed.

Learn to regulate your own emotions

This is to avoid becoming reactive and falling back into the old dance. Find techniques to help you calm yourself and handle the natural roller coaster of emotions experienced when a relationship is ailing.

Find opportunities for fun and distraction outside of your relationship without getting in the way

Go to the gym, go on bike rides, meet up with your friends for brunch, take a violin lesson, you name it. Make space for yourself and your interests that have nothing to do with your relationship.

Remember that these activities should not pose a threat to your relationship in any way. For example, it is not advisable to reach out to former partners or to lie to your current partner about your whereabouts.

After you’ve done your part of the job, it’s important to encourage, but not force, your partner to consider couples counseling, a couples retreat, or another therapeutic service designed to heal relationships.

You can’t carry the weight of the entire relationship alone forever, it’s humanly impossible and it’s unfair to you. You deserve to be with someone who believes your relationship is worth fighting for.

Now, at this point in time, your partner may not be ready to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty. That’s okay, you can both start. At some point, however, they will have to go into the trenches with you.

Cecile Tucker, MACP, RCC Registered Clinical Advisor

Saving your marriage alone is a difficult task, but it can be done! The Gottman Institute has done extensive research on what breaks relationships and what we need to do to change in order for the relationship to thrive.

Here are the top four changes you can make to start saving your marriage today!

Shift the criticism into a gentle approach

Criticism refers to verbal attacks on a person’s personality or character. When we criticize someone, even if it feels justified, the person reacts defensively and no real progress is made.

We must learn to start a conversation with a gentle start. That means we talk about how we feel instead of what we don’t like about someone. We talk about behaviors we struggle with, rather than seeing the whole person as a problem.

Finally, see if you can ask a question about why something is or isn’t happening. Be curious! For example, instead of saying, “You never take out the trash, you’re so lazy,” try “I’m frustrated that the trash isn’t taken out.” What can we do to make this happen?”.

Notice how this shift in our language, followed by a question, invites growth and discussion into your marriage, rather than ending it.

Turn contempt into appreciation

Contempt refers to attacking a person with intent to hurt them; When we do that, relationships end very quickly, even if it’s only in our heads!

Although it may feel forced, saving your marriage requires that you begin to recognize what you value in your partner and point it out. This means stopping yourself from saying hurtful things (even in your head!) and finding opportunities to say good things.

Examples include pointing out actions you appreciate (thanks for putting your dirty clothes in the hamper), noting parts of her personality you like, “You work so hard for this family”.

If you find yourself offending your partner in your head, you need to stop that thought and replace it with something you appreciate instead. The more often you do this, the more you’ll notice the things you value, which goes a long way in rebuilding a relationship.

Shift the defensive into accountability

When we get defensive, what we are actually doing is cutting off our partner’s attempts to process valid concerns. For example, if your partner says, “You always take things so personally,” and you automatically start denying it, you’re missing an opportunity to understand and grow from their complaint.

Instead of shutting them down, try to take responsibility. This doesn’t mean you have to deny your own reality, but it does mean you have to make room for their reality as well. I would follow up on her complaint with a question: “Okay, you say I take things too personally. How does this affect you? What is that stopping you from?”.

Instead of denying what your partner is saying, when you accept responsibility for your role in the relationship’s problems, you can find ways to solve them and move forward in your relationship.

See also: How not to take things personally

Shift blocking to self-soothing

Have you ever been in an argument with your spouse and just completely switched off? They say something and you ignore them or just say a little “Mmmm” but you’re not listening or participating in the conversation anymore? That’s what we call stonewalling and it’s killing more marriages than you can imagine!

People block because they’re so overwhelmed or upset by the conversation that they can’t continue. If you notice this in yourself or your partner, it’s time to take a break. That doesn’t mean we’re stopping the fight, it just means we’re taking some time to use various relaxation techniques to help calm down before moving on.

Deep breathing is a simple and effective tool that you can try. If you notice your partner stonewalling, gently point out that this is happening and then ask if they would like to stop talking for 5-10 minutes and then return to the conversation once they feel calmer.

If you can practice the four layers and begin to implement them in your marriage, you will find that the way you conduct conversations and interact with your spouse will change.

If you change how you talk to your partner and how you start your conversations, your partner will naturally and unconsciously do the same.

Keep in mind that you can’t even make any of these changes and expect a change. You must make these changes consistently before your partner follows suit, but trust that they will work and that you can save your marriage.

Risa Ganel, MS LCMFT Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist, Together Couples Counseling

You want to fight for your marriage, but your partner is not on board. What can you do?

Fighting with your partner to get what you want and need will almost certainly backfire. While your voice, needs, wants, desires, and goals are important in any healthy relationship, they are not enough to build lasting love, let alone repair a suffering relationship.

We know this as personal empowerment. We ask ourselves things like, ‘Am I getting what I need from this relationship? am i fulfilled Do I deserve anything better?”

Personal empowerment teaches us to focus on our autonomy, our self-determination. The problem is that the skills we learn through our culture of individualism are actually anti-relational. They make intimacy and connection more elusive and harder to achieve.

Personal Empowerment focuses on finding your voice, authenticity and “you”. These are of course important to staying healthy individuals in your relationship. However, this does not contribute to the health of your relationship.

For that you need relational empowerment that focuses on the “we”, the connection to your partner.

A healthy relationship requires a balance of personal and relational empowerment. How do you make the shift to include relationship empowerment?

Keep your relationship in warm respect, mistakes and all

It’s like self-esteem, but for the relationship. You know it’s not perfect. You know your partner is not perfect. However, you know that you are also imperfect. But you see the coming together of these two imperfect humans as worthy of compassion, support, and effort.

Think of your relationship as an ecosystem

The second step is to see your relationship as an ecosystem, a system of interdependence, where each part is affected by the health of the other parts.

The technical definition of an ecosystem is a community of organisms whose living and physical components are interconnected through nutrient cycles and energy flows. Everything that enters the ecosystem affects every part of that ecosystem.

Just as flowers need water to bloom and bees need flowers to pollinate, what you bring into or get out of your relationship affects the ecosystem that makes up your relationship.

You are not above or outside of this ecosystem. You are part of it.

If you pollute the system by criticizing, yelling, demeaning, silent, lying, demanding, breaking commitments and using sarcasm, you are inviting a polluted response from your partner.

As cliché as it may sound, the only person you can control is yourself. To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi, be the change you want to see in your relationship.

By looking at your own behavior and emotional responses and how they are polluting the ecosystem, you can choose to change them. This will elicit a healthier response from your partner. If you have trouble with this, find a therapist who is trained in systems thinking.

Be curious about what your partner needs

If you want him to be more communicative and emotionally expressive, find out what he needs to help him achieve that. Maybe if you’re silent with anger at him, he’ll shut down. That means you shoot yourself in the foot and get the exact opposite of what you want.

Maybe she’ll take your questions about what she’s been up to all day as criticism. Be curious about how you can address her in a different way to make her feel valued and valued while giving you the information she wants.

Find ways to get a triple win

Ask your partner, “What can I give you to meet your needs so you can help me meet mine so we can win as a team?”

You are a team and to get what you want you must help your partner get what he or she wants or needs.

Your team must create a win-win-win situation. A win for your partner, a win for you and a win for the relationship. Getting what you want without this, without considering the ecosystem, will inevitably lead to resentment and retaliation from your partner. And we know how disastrous that is for any relationship.

Personal empowerment without relationship empowerment is destructive and will lead to the inevitable end of your relationship, not a healthy reconnection. You need both.

The truth is, you cannot save your relationship on your own.

All you can do on your own is authentically connect with yourself and your partner so that your behavior begins to constructively involve your partner. Then you will not try to save the relationship on your own. You will do it as a team.

dr ​Christie Tcharkhoutian EdD, MA, MFT National Dating & Relationship Expert | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

A healthy relationship is built on a dynamic created by both partners, but when one partner changes their beliefs, thoughts, and actions, the dynamic has an opportunity to change for the better.

Relationships are like a dance. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango,” but often we feel wallflowers in our own marriage because the distance between partners is too entrenched and it feels impossible to reconnect.

Many couples I work with find themselves in a dance they don’t want to be a part of and I tell them, similar to certain dances, that the partner who knows how to lead can help the other, the way to learn.

For your part, reflect on the relationship dynamics

When you feel like your relationship is going in a negative direction, the first thing you need to think about is your role in that dynamic.

Before you blame your partner, find out what behavior you can change to encourage a different response from your partner. We must refrain from considering partners guilty or innocent and consider your partner more as your teammate.

Monitoring your own actions can shift the emotional connection, which can then have a surprisingly different action than your partner. The next time you and your partner fight, take a second to say, “I think I need a breather,” and go outside for 10 minutes.

As you notice how the environment has changed, stay aware of the difference you’ve made in your relationship with just one small act.

Melissa Orlov Marriage Counselor | Founder, ADHDmarriage.com

You can’t save a marriage alone

The success of a relationship depends entirely on how two people treat each other. When someone tries to save a relationship on their own, it is an indication that their relationship is very badly damaged because it indicates that the other partner is not ready to commit to them.

If this is the case, continued attempts to salvage this relationship on your own will lead to agony and most likely an increase in anger. However, if you hold up the mirror to yourself and are willing to look honestly, you can see where you can make improvements in your interactions.

By doing this, you may open a door to a partner who was previously unwilling to leave and begin the healing process as a couple.

When you go down this path, give yourself a date in the future when you will reevaluate the state of the relationship. If your partner remains immobile after you put your own house in order, it may be time to move on.

If your partner isn’t willing to participate in repairing the relationship after you remove the obstacles to it, then chances are the relationship will feel lonely and unfulfilling for a long time to come.

dr Patricia Celan Resident in Psychiatry, Dalhousie University

Fighting for your marriage is fantastic—when it’s at least partially mutual and both partners are willing to work to save it.

Marriage is hard work, and it’s common to seek couples therapy to mend a broken marriage. Any couple who choose to fight for what they have is commendable for their dedication and combined efforts.

However, if you’ve reached the point where a partner has checked out and you’re fighting the marriage alone, you may find yourself in a demand/withdrawal pattern.

As part of a request/withdrawal pattern, the more you ask and persevere and fight for the relationship, the more your partner will withdraw from you. Pushing too hard can spell the end of a relationship. So if you feel like your partner isn’t fighting for you and has withdrawn, tell yourself “less is more”.

Give your partner space and focus on other interests, prioritizing your own fulfillment

Your partner may not be able to see the beauty of your love and commitment through an overwhelming sense of pressure and persecution, but taking a step back gives your partner room to breathe, remember the value of what you share, and come to him or their own conclusions.

This works better when the space you are providing is significant, e.g. B. if you live with another family member for a few weeks with minimal or no contact during the time of the room.

You can’t convince anyone to have a one-sided marriage, but you can give your partner space to realize that your marriage is worth fighting for, and at that point, concerted efforts can save your relationship.

Alisha Sweyd, MA, LMFT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Certified First Responder Consultant

When it comes to marriage, we need to remember that it’s not me versus you. In all relationships, we need to look at the problems that arise with the “me and you versus the problem” mindset. Well, that’s extremely challenging when you feel like “it’s just me”.

Here are some ways you can encourage a collaborative spirit in your marriage without forcing your partner to participate:

work on yourself

One of the biggest problems I see when people come into my office is that the majority of their relationship fights revolve around their own expectations and hot buttons they don’t know they have.

We all have expectations in relationships, but especially in marriages. Self-enquiry to better understand ourselves will be essential to fostering a collaborative spirit.

Learn to talk about the problem, not your partner as the problem

Another common problem I see with couples is the incorrect use of “I” statements. For example: “I feel hurt because you don’t listen to me.”

This isn’t an “I” statement, it’s an “you” statement because you’re blaming your partner; Also, you’re assuming you know the person isn’t listening, which we actually don’t know for sure. A better way to express that concern would be, “I feel hurt because I don’t feel understood or heard.”

In the second case, you focus on the problem, namely your need/expectation to feel seen/understood; Now, this phrase doesn’t say that the partner isn’t trying to understand, because we’re not sure if they are or not.

You can even go a step further and offer, “Can I tell you what will help me feel understood or heard?” and then share what that is (eye contact, affirmative statements, reflecting/rephrasing what you’ve heard, etc .).

Related Topics: Why do we blame others for our failures, mistakes, and problems?

Be willing to compromise with your partner whether you think it’s fair or not

Now please don’t misinterpret this. I don’t want you to be a doormat giving up everything hoping it will save your marriage. Rather, I want you to realize that some of the expectations or hopes you have for your marriage are simply not being fulfilled.

If you’ve always wanted a partner to sit with you and cry with you, but your spouse has a very limited emotional reach, this can be an area of ​​compromise where he will allow you to cry on his shoulder, but this is not expected of him be emotional with you.

With divorce rates rising each year, couples are quick to throw in the towel, but if one person is still invested in the relationship, there’s a good chance your marriage can be salvaged. Here’s the “SAVE IT” way to restore your marriage.

S: Set the intention that divorce is not an option. Leave that D word out of your marriage.

Leave that D word out of your marriage. A: Ask for help. Contact a marriage counselor, marriage mentor, or pastor to help you and your spouse restore your bond.

Contact a marriage counselor, marriage mentor, or pastor to help you and your spouse restore your bond. V: See your problems as opportunities for growth. Sometimes you can tell by changing perspective that the glass is full instead of empty.

Sometimes you can tell by changing perspective that the glass is full instead of empty. E: Eliminate distractions. Find ways to focus on each other. Pursue a hobby together or establish a ritual or time together.

Find ways to focus on each other. Pursue a hobby together or establish a ritual or time together. I: Initiate healthy communication. When things go badly, communication often breaks down. Reopen the lines of communication.

When things go badly, communication often breaks down. Reopen the lines of communication. T: Gratitude and gratitude are often a recipe for change. Develop gratitude practices together so you always remember the little things you have to fight for.

Colleen Orme Relationship Columnist, Beliefnet

Many people struggle to save a marriage by asking their spouse to care for them or care enough to go to marriage counseling. It can lead to a pointless, never-ending argument. The same circular conversation, repeating itself.

A more effective strategy is to focus on yourself. The best possible result? A marriage is saved. And if it gets worse, you have at least strengthened yourself individually. Because ongoing marital problems can lead to physical stress, weight loss or gain, and we can become emotionally unhealthy.

There are several strategies when struggling alone to save your marriage.

Go to marriage counseling

The best counselors teach people about themselves, the choices they make and how to heal. You acknowledge issues you may have with another, but focus more on how the individual can create healthier exchanges than on finger pointing. It is important to choose a good advisor.

Additionally, if the marital problems are accompanied by extreme circumstances such as addiction, narcissism, emotional or physical abuse, it is best to find a marriage counselor who is also a psychologist.

Work on general self-improvement

Join a gym, start running, meditate, improve your diet, get in shape and indulge. The more you make yourself a priority, the better you will feel and your spouse will notice.

Accept a significant challenge

Start running and do a 5K, skydive, learn a new instrument or language, take a trip by yourself, change jobs, go back to work, etc.

Choose something daunting enough to build extra confidence and independence. You stop begging your spouse to work with you and move forward in a positive way.

Entwickle positive Mantras

Wenn Sie an sich selbst arbeiten, wird es schwierig sein, eheliche Auslöser zu vermeiden. Es ist viel einfacher, in negative Dynamiken zu rutschen. Entwickeln Sie daher drei bis fünf Mantras, die Sie zentrieren und Sie davon abhalten können, sich zu engagieren.

„Ich kann andere nicht ändern, ich kann nur an mir arbeiten“

„Ich werde auf dieses schlechte Verhalten nicht reagieren, ich werde spazieren gehen oder laufen“

„Ich werde schweigen, auch wenn ich etwas erwidern möchte“

„Diese Person und diese Eheprobleme kontrollieren mich nicht, ich werde an mir arbeiten.“

Mantras können in einer chaotischen Zeit unglaublich zentrierend sein.

Siehe auch: 73 inspirierendste Heilungszitate und Sprüche

Es ist schwer, aus schlechten ehelichen Gewohnheiten auszubrechen. Nämlich überreden, um Veränderung bitten und verlangen, gehört zu werden. Wenn Sie sich jedoch auf sich selbst konzentrieren, wird es immer einfacher. Und es funktioniert einfach besser, weil wir andere nicht ändern können. Sie müssen selbst „wachsen“ wollen.

Ellen J. W. Gigliotti, LMFT lizenzierter Ehe- und Familientherapeut | Klinischer Direktor, Sanctuary Christian Counseling

Eine Person kann wirklich einen Unterschied in ihrer Ehe machen. Es ist wichtig, dass die Person, die für die Beziehung kämpft, positiv bleibt und versucht, ihren Partner sanft zurück in die Beziehung zu ziehen, wobei die freundschaftlichen Aspekte der Ehe betont werden.

Manchmal kann dies in Form von Einladungen zu Aktivitäten erfolgen, die beide einmal genossen haben, manchmal kann es wie neue Aktivitäten vom Typ „Date Night“ aussehen, wie offene Fragebögen oder Projekte, die dem Paar helfen sollen, wieder zusammenzukommen.

Kommunikation ist der Schlüssel

In der Lage zu sein, Gefühle, Bedürfnisse und Träume zu teilen, hilft wirklich, einen Funken neu zu entfachen. Echt, belehrbar und demütig zu sein, kann wirklich einen Unterschied machen, da beide Ehepartner einander auf neue Weise sehen und erkennen können, dass es Hoffnung für ihre Ehe gibt.

Und ein bisschen Humor hilft immer. Die Fähigkeit, miteinander zu lachen, kann wieder Freude in die Beziehung bringen.

Tal Mandelbaum, MSc Sozial- und Organisationspsychologe, Choosing to Connect

Übernimm die Verantwortung für deine Emotionen

Es gibt viel, was wir selbst tun können, um eine Beziehung zu verändern. So oft versuchen wir, die andere Person zu ändern, weil wir denken, dass dies zu einer Verbesserung der Beziehung führen würde, aber das führt fast immer zum Scheitern. Die Wahrheit ist, dass die Veränderung, die wir sehen wollen, der viel bessere Weg ist.

Wenn wir Verantwortung für unsere Gefühle und insbesondere für unsere Urteile übernehmen, können wir sie umkehren. Kritik und Schuldzuweisungen sind für eine Beziehung besonders destruktiv, also kannst du viel tun, um deine Ehe zu retten, indem du sie vermeidest.

Jedes Mal, wenn ein negatives Gefühl oder Urteil gegenüber Ihrem Partner in Ihrem Kopf auftaucht, denken Sie daran, dass es Ihres ist, nicht seines.

Bemühen Sie sich, sich über diese negativen Impulse von Schuldzuweisungen oder Kritik zu erheben, und reagieren Sie stattdessen liebevoll auf Ihren Partner. Geben Sie ihnen ein Beispiel dafür, wie Sie behandelt werden möchten.

Machen Sie absichtlich Komplimente und zeigen Sie liebevolle Gesten, auch wenn Sie es nicht fühlen. Das Vortäuschen macht es wirklich möglich. Sie werden überrascht sein, wie sehr sich Ihr Partner nach diesem freundlichen Wort sehnt oder dass Sie sich für ihn interessieren.

Dies kann Übung erfordern und wird am besten gemeinsam durchgeführt, aber selbst wenn Sie der einzige sind, der sich bewusst bemüht, kann Ihr Beispiel eine tiefgreifende Wirkung auf Ihren Partner haben und letztendlich Ihre Ehe retten!

Es ist sehr gut möglich, dass der einzige Akt, mit dem Urteilen aufzuhören und stattdessen Mitgefühl zu wählen, ausreichen wird. Sie schaffen effektiv Raum für die andere Person, um so zu sein, wie sie sind, und das ist unglaublich heilsam für jede Partnerschaft.

Stephanie L. Tang Mitarbeiterin | Vermittler | Rechtsanwalt, Kogut & Wilson, L.L.C.

Reflektieren Sie Ihre eigenen Bedürfnisse

Ehepartner reagieren oft schnell wütend auf einen Vorfall, wenn sie versuchen, ein kurzfristiges Ergebnis zu erzielen, ohne über ihre zugrunde liegenden Bedürfnisse nachzudenken.

Angenommen, Ihr Ehepartner vergisst während der Zeit, in der die Anordnung für den Aufenthalt zu Hause gilt, während des einen Laufs, auf den sich Ihre Familie in den nächsten Wochen zum Essen verlässt, Eier im Lebensmittelgeschäft abzuholen. Du schreist und schreist und fragst ihn, wie er das vergessen könnte.

Ähnliche Vorfälle häufen sich wie scheinbar isolierte Ereignisse in Ihrem Kopf. Aber was ist Ihr zugrunde liegendes Bedürfnis? Soll Ihr Ehepartner daran denken, Eier zu bekommen? Oder brauchen Sie vielleicht etwas Kontrolle und denken Sie daran, Eier zu kaufen, wäre eine Möglichkeit gewesen, Ihnen zu helfen, Kontrolle in Ihrem Leben zu haben?

Examining what you need to help you feel happy in your marriage as opposed to focusing on little incidents can help you communicate more effectively and more productively with your spouse.

Communicate your needs clearly and positively

Once you identify your needs, it is important to be clear with your spouse so they know what these needs are. This means leaving passive-aggressive and critical comments at the door. Also, resist the urge to dredge up the past and blurt out every incident that has ever happened.

Flooding your spouse with information in this way will likely just hurt them unnecessarily and cause them to shut down completely. Instead, keep your message concise and focus on your underlying need.

Using the example above, instead of yelling, “you always forget things at the store!”, consider, “it is difficult for me to plan what we can eat for the week if you don’t buy everything on our list.” This not only helps to change the tone of the message but also relays the family’s needs.

Jacqui Olliver Psychosexual Relationship Specialist, End the Problem

Be calm and manage your temper

You’ve probably had enough of fighting in your marriage, so let’s talk about the essential steps you can take right now to save and enhance the state of your marriage.

Restore your emotions to a place of calm.

Get clear on how you want to feel.

Stay focused on what you want to create.

Understand what is important to your partner.

Step up your “A is for Attraction” game.

It’s important to always make sure you communicate from an emotionally empowered state so you don’t inadvertently trigger your partner…. or forget what you need to say!

Our nervous system has more recently evolved to allow us to first engage through our eyes, facial expression, hand gestures, and tone of voice to resolve a tense situation.

However, we more often than not override this newer social engagement system and default to our ancient survival mechanism of fight/flight or freeze/shutdown. In a relationship, we may perceive this as being aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Related: How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive

These triggered emotional states make clear communication impossible. With our bulging eyes, tense body, and voice sounding tense as well we look scary and threatening. This has the result of triggering our partner – and so the endless loop of being triggered and retriggered continues, with important topics never being fully resolved.

In addition to this, when we are emotionally triggered, our prefrontal cortex shuts down to the degree that we cannot think clearly or assimilate new information. This is why in an argument, both partners will resort to bringing up past situations that were similar as they desperately try to give context to the current situation.

However, this tends to make either partner feel blamed and accused – and is ineffective because our memories of the situation were clouded by our own perception at the time (at which we were usually triggered).

This is why the first step in saving your marriage is to restore your emotions to a place of calm.

After restoring yourself to an emotionally empowered state, you are then able to get clear on how you want to feel and stay focused on what you want to create. This makes it much easier to communicate with your partner and understand what is important to them as well as you.

With a new shared direction, you can make any necessary adjustments to your own actions and work together to recreate a happy and satisfying marriage.

Amy Waterman, M.A. Host, Your Brilliance

Your marriage is in danger. You have to save it. You have to fight for it. But what if the language you’re using is dooming your efforts from the start?

Cultivate your pleasures

The mindset of battling for your love is not the mindset of restoring love. Your love isn’t under threat – it’s just gone into hiding. When you look at your marriage from that perspective, you have faith in your love. You believe in what you cannot see. And your belief is what brings it back again.

To remember your love, take a break from solving your problems and focus on cultivating your pleasures. Mutual pleasure in each other’s company is what brought you together. But right now, all you’re seeing is the pain.

Instead of devoting all your energy to understanding and fixing that pain, could you switch gears and try to find small moments of pleasure in each day? Pleasure is what lures love out. Pain sends it into hiding.

No, pleasure won’t make your problems go away, but it will put them in perspective. There’s no enemy to defeat. There are just two people who want to be happy.

dr Enchanta Jenkins, MD, MHA Obstetrics & Gynecology Specialist, Ellehcal OB/GYN, Inc.

You need to decide that saving your marriage is the only option.

Decide that you will focus only on the positive and speak only about the positive things your spouse does.

Decide to only look at your behavior, especially since that is the only behavior you are totally responsible for.

Take action to obtain marriage counseling or mental health counseling to discuss your specific problems and be open to real solutions. Go to counseling alone if your partner will not go with you.

Be consistent about your actions, never forget that staying together is the only option, focus on changing your response to life circumstances, and start (and continue) treating your spouse like a highly regarded and honored official with great power.

Acknowledge your inner strength and power, and remember you are worthy of being loved (and thus you must love yourself first) and love yourself enough to allow someone else (your spouse) to love you in the way that they are capable of loving you.

Don’t judge your spouse’s actions or words.

Katie Dames Relationship Expert, Feely Feelings

Find the problem

When you know what the marital problems are and are in a position to fix them, if there is a true desire to save the marriage, then do it. Many of the “fixes” can be as simple as lowering expectations and knowing that if your partner is incapable of or unwilling to live up to your needs, there are two choices.

You can fight about it or stop asking and demanding things that your partner is unable or unwilling to give. That said, it’s important to remember that since it takes two to make a marriage, one cannot expect to save it alone.

Remember the good times

Reminding your partner or spouse that you are unhappy is not at all helpful and will do nothing to save the marriage, and pointing out their faults will also do nothing but make matters worse.

In addition to lowering your own expectations if that is possible, try remembering what brought your two together, and offering a sincere compliment now and then with a gesture expressing your love and appreciation, can often go a long way.

Love – perhaps the most beautiful and complicated thing life has to offer us. We all hope to fill that gaping void; to discover the missing piece of the puzzle; Finding that special someone to go through life with. And when we do, we’re thrilled—we enjoy love and the happiness it brings us. Just sometimes that love (and the happiness it brings) doesn’t last.

Instead, it resolves itself or is overshadowed by much larger issues that threaten the entirety of the relationship. But our determination and desire for a happy ending causes us to stay while wondering if it’s the right decision. Can we fix this? Or are we beyond the point of no return? Unfortunately, it is often difficult to say; However, according to mental health experts, there are some telltale signs that your relationship is beyond repair.

5 signs your relationship is beyond repair

1) They keep breaking up and getting back together.

“One way to know a relationship is doomed is if you’ve already experienced a pattern of breakups and reunions,” explains Michele Moore, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Coach, and Relationship Expert. “This roller coaster suggests there are problems that may never be resolved and you two are trying to fit a square pin into a round hole. This is particularly damaging when one party constantly urges the other to reconcile, and the latter repeatedly relents, only to end the relationship a short time later.” So while you may be hoping it works out this time, a continued breakup is a telltale sign that your relationship is probably beyond repair.

2) You are afraid of your significant other.

“A relationship is irreparable when you’re scared when you hear your partner coming home,” says Kryss Shane, a relationship expert and dual-licensed psychiatrist. “Whether the anxiety stems from prior physical abuse, prior sexual abuse, or emotional abuse that can lead to an anxiety about what the partner might be angry about today, it’s time to step out.” Emotional and mental abuse can be difficult But if your partner constantly belittles you, makes you feel inadequate, or manipulates you on a regular basis, you are probably in an unhealthy and harmful relationship—a relationship that needs to end.

3) Your attachment or feelings have dissolved.

Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Mary Fisher says “apathy that doesn’t budge” is often a deal-breaker. “Periods of apathy are normal, but if it feels like the status quo, it could mean that your basic bond with one another is too far off,” she explains. “I almost never see couples recover when one partner’s fundamental bond with the other has dissolved.” Apathy is simply the lack of passion, emotion, and concern. So if you find that you are apathetic towards your partner or she is towards you, it can be a sign that the love you once had is fading and it is time to go your separate ways.

4) Your relationship is fraught with toxicity.

“You start by answering this fundamental question — is this a toxic relationship or person? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to stop and get out before it just gets worse, which it is,” explains psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman. She continues, “Most people know in their gut that a relationship is irreparable, but they stay for fear of being alone, of not finding anyone, or even convenience — and end up regretting the much deeper lost.” They can never get time back.” That’s why it’s important that we listen to our hearts and gut instincts — that we stop denying what we know is true and get out of this toxic relationship.

5) One or both of you are unwilling to put in the effort.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, Licensed Clinical Career Counselor, Is Optimistic Most Relationships Can Be Salvaged; However, both partners need to be motivated for it to work: “I’ve seen relationships that other professionals thought were beyond repair bounce back from the point of no return. Ultimately it depends on whether there is a willingness on both sides to get involved,” he says. “I think you should always try hard because most problems are salvageable if both are willing. It’s not always easy and it can take time to fix, but when there’s a will there’s a way.” Slatkin reminds us that ultimately it’s up to the two people involved and their willingness to mend their relationship. If they are both motivated to make it work and willing to make the necessary changes, the partnership can be salvaged.

You and your partner can get professional help to work through these complex issues with couples therapy or marriage counseling at Thriveworks.

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Start a relationship with an exceptional advisor

Last updated on July 4, 2019

The honeymoon phase in a marriage can last a few months or years, and a few years later you might feel like you and your partner are no longer aroused. Many couples eventually feel like there is no spark in their relationship and that the romance is waning. But that doesn’t mean that you and your partner stop loving each other because you do. It’s just that your other responsibilities take precedence over your relationship. But if you want to bring the spark back in your relationship, you need to put in some effort. It’s about time your man fell in love with you again.

Tips to impress your husband

Impressing your man and making him fall in love with you isn’t rocket science, and putting your best foot forward is something you can easily achieve. Here are some tips you can do to make sure you’re the first thing on his mind throughout the day:

1. Show your love

Men aren’t mind readers, and it’s possible for them to feel insecure. If you don’t show your love, your man may feel like he’s not making you happy. So make it a habit to show him your love by either telling him how much he means to you or by doing little things that make him happy. Write “I love you” on the bathroom mirror or slip some love notes in his pocket or wallet. When he finds it, he will be surprised and have a smile on his face. These little acts of love also let him know that you think about him often when he’s not around.

2. Cook for him

They say, “The way to love is through the stomach,” so take that advice. To impress your beloved husband, cook something special for him. Cook his favorite dish and watch him enjoy it with joy. He’ll love anything you cook, but the effort you put into it will mean more to him. If you’re a good cook, you don’t have to worry about anything. Bake their favorite cake or make their favorite meal to remind them how much their happiness means to you.

3. Find out more about his interests

You may not really be interested in sports or cars, but it always helps if you make an effort to find out more about your husband’s interests. Maybe he enjoys hiking, driving, or watching movies. Whatever his interests are, ask him to tell you about them and show you how things work and you might find that you two end up having an amazing time together bonding over something he loves means so much.

4. Plan a surprise weekend getaway

If you’re wondering how to impress your husband, you might want to start exploring new avenues of pleasure. Sometimes all it takes is a change of scenery to bring some romance back into your relationship. If possible, plan a trip to a romantic place that you and your partner would like to visit. Book a room in a hotel or homestay and surprise your husband. Your husband would appreciate a change of scenery and thank you for such a wonderful surprise.

5. Flirt with him

Remember the times you two got together and your days and nights revolved around phone calls and constant texting? There must have been so much excitement and you two couldn’t stop flirting with each other. Now you may not have the time to flirt or text frequently. How about reliving those moments? Flirting with your husband is one small way to bring back the playfulness and affection that you once took for granted when you were together. You can send him flirtatious texts or give him a kiss when no one is around.

6. Watch a romantic movie together

Watching a movie together would be a great idea if your husband has had a long day at work and is looking for a way to unwind. When he comes home, have dinner with him and then you both can watch a movie of your husband’s choice. Hold his hand and watch the movie together. Dinner and a movie can be just as romantic at home as they are outside. In fact, it can also be much more intimate.

7. Plan a date night

There’s nothing a married couple craves more than some alone time, especially when children are involved. Make sure you find someone to babysit your kids one day and plan a date night for your husband. It’s important that you make this effort because you both should always have time to keep getting to know each other and bring the romance back into your relationship.

8. Communicate

The best way to make a relationship last is through communication. Talk to your partner – have an honest conversation. Talk to him openly about your feelings. If you two don’t have time for each other, talk about it. Discuss how you can make time for each. There would always be other things that could go into your relationship, but it is your duty never to let those things affect your relationship. Communicate with your partner; make time for him. Having an open conversation will help you both realize how much you love each other.

9. Create a love nest

Increase intimacy with your husband by surprising him at night with a romantic ambiance in your bedroom. Decorate your room with candles and bring a bottle of wine. You can even dip strawberries in chocolate to brighten the mood. Cover your bed with rose petals and light these scented candles in your bedroom. Your husband would certainly appreciate your efforts. And he’ll want you even more if you make the effort to create an intimate and private space for the two of you to share your love.

10. Surprise him with gifts

Not only women love gifts; Men can also be very happy about it. You don’t have to go for something big, even small and thoughtful gifts will do the trick. For example, maybe your husband is a fan of games, so buying him a new game disc will make him happy.

Tips to impress your husband as an individual

It’s not always about the things you do for your man romantically that can impress him; Sometimes you have to impress him with who you are. Here are some ways you can impress him as an individual:

1. Pamper yourself

There’s a saying “happy woman means happy life” and it’s not entirely wrong. A stressed and overworked woman can be irritable and busy, making it impossible for her to take care of herself and her household. With all the things a woman has to juggle in life, it’s important that she takes a day to herself every now and then to go to the spa and treat herself to a much-needed massage or just to the salon go and treat yourself to a facial . When you are relaxed and stress-free, you are in control of your life and able to impress your man.

2. Keep yourself healthy

Stay healthy for yourself, for your children, for your husband and for your family. Eating a healthy diet and staying healthy will help you take better care of your man. If you are prone to illness due to lack of self-sufficiency, you will not be able to take care of your husband at all. Eat a healthy, balanced diet and exercise regularly to keep your body and mind healthy.

3. Seek knowledge

Another way to impress your husband is with your knowledge. Men love women who can indulge in intense conversations and are knowledgeable on various topics. If you can go to an event with your husband and chat with your husband’s friends about various topics, he will be proud of you. From his parents to his employers, you’re sure to be a hit at any dinner party you take him to. So make it a habit to read the latest news every day and start reading books if you haven’t already.

4. Be his best friend

As his wife, you are your husband’s closest mate and you have a big role to play. By understanding that you are not only his wife but also his best friend, you will understand how to treat your man. Have fun with him, joke around, laugh, do silly things, encourage him when he needs it, compliment him when he does well, and be there quietly when he needs it is what he needs. By being the only person he can be totally free with, you will make your husband want and need you even more.

5. Respect his “alone time”

Just like you need your time with your girls, your man needs his time with his boys or even alone. You may be his be-all and end-all, but there’s something about hanging out with the boys that can energize a man and make him feel young again. You may not like it, but he needs it and he will love and appreciate you all the more for being understanding enough to give him his time.

Marriage is an important part of a person’s life and it is vital that the relationship between husband and wife is good. Unlike fairy tales and movies, people don’t live happily ever after without trying. As a wife, it is your responsibility to do your part to make your husband happy by being the woman who loves and supports him in every area of ​​his life, be it at home, in the bedroom or outside.

Also read:

Relationship Myths You MUST Ignore for a Happier Marriage

The Truth About Sexless Marriages Every Couple Should Know

How to keep the romance alive in your relationship while raising kids

Islam and domestic violence

On March 23, 2013, members of Alif Laam Meem, a national Muslim fraternity based at the University of Texas at Dallas, rose up against domestic violence as Muslims and as Dallas men.

The connection between Islam and domestic violence is controversial. Even among Muslims, there is a lack of consensus on the use and interpretation of Sharia, the moral code and religious law of Islam. Differences in interpretation are due to different schools of Islamic jurisprudence, history and politics of religious institutions, conversions, reforms and education.[1]

Domestic violence in the Muslim community is compounded due to differences in legal remedies for women in the countries they live in, the extent to which they have support or opportunities to divorce their husbands, cultural stigma to hide evidence of abuse, and inability to have abuses recognized by the police or judicial system in some Muslim countries.

definition

As defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, domestic violence is: “the infliction of physical harm by one family member or household member on another; also: a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior.”[2]

Coomaraswamy defines domestic violence as “violence that occurs in the private sphere, generally between people related by intimacy, blood relationship, or the law… [It is] almost always a gender-based crime committed by men against women.” It is used as a powerful form of control and oppression.[3]

In 1993, the United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women defined domestic violence as:

Physical, sexual and psychological violence in the family, including caning, sexual abuse of female children in the home, dowry-related violence, spousal rape, female genital mutilation and other traditional practices harmful to women, non-spousal violence and related violence with exploitation.[4]

Islamic texts

In the Qur’an

Sharia for women legal matters:

Sharia plays no role in the judicial system. Sharia applies to matters of civil status. Sharia applies in full, including criminal law. Regional differences in the application of Sharia.

The interpretation of Sura An-Nisa, 34, is a matter of debate among Muslim scholars, along with the various translations of the passage, which may read “hit them” or “(lightly) hit them” or “hit them” or “scourge them.” “. or “take practical action with them”[5], depending on the translator.[6] Quran 4:34 reads:

Men are the protectors and preservers of women because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and they support them with their means. Therefore the righteous women obey with all their hearts and guard in (the absence of the husband) what Allah would have them guard. As for the women on whose part you fear infidelity and bad behavior, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) hit them (lightly); but when they return to obedience, do not seek means (of anger) against them: for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all). Quran 4:34 (Translated by Yusuf Ali)

Interpretations of the Qur’an that support domestic violence

Hajjar Lisa[7][8] claims that Sharia law encourages “domestic violence” against women when a husband suspects nushuz (disobedience, infidelity, rebellion, bad behavior) in his wife.[9] Other scholars claim that the beating of women for nashizah is inconsistent with modern Qur’anic perspectives.[10] Some conservative translations state that it is permissible for Muslim husbands to do what is known in Arabic as idribuhunna, using “strike,” and sometimes as much as beating, caning, or beating.[11]

In some exegesis such as those of Ibn Kathir (1300-1373 AD) and Muhammad ibn Jarir al-Tabari (839-923 AD), the actions prescribed in Sura 4:34 above are performed in order: The husband must admonish the woman, after which (if his previous correction was unsuccessful) he may remain separated from her, after which (if his previous correction was still unsuccessful) he may [12][13] [Note. 1] [note 2] giving a light tapping with a siwak.[16] Ibn ‘Abbas, the Prophet’s cousin, is recorded in the tafsir of al-Tabari for verse 4:34 as saying that hitting without severity is using a siwak (small toothbrush) or similar object.[17]

A 2007 translated passage by Taqi-ud-Din al-Hilali and Muhsin Khan defines men as protectors, guardians and preservers of women because Allah has made one of them to excel the other and because they spend money (to support them) out of their means. When a man sees bad behavior (i.e. disobedience, rebellion, nashuz in Arabic) of his wife, a man may (first) admonish her, (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat her (easily when it is useful), but when they return to obedience, seek no means against them.[18]

Some Islamic scholars and commentators have emphasized that hitting, even when permitted, should not be harsh[12][19][Note. 3] or some even claim that it should be “more or less symbolic”[21][Note. 4]. ] According to Abdullah Yusuf Ali and Ibn Kathir, the consensus of Islamic scholars is that the above verse describes light caning.[14][23] Abu Shaqqa refers to the edict of the Hanafi scholar al-Jassas (d. 981), who notes that the reference should be “a non-violent blow with a siwak [a small stick used for brushing teeth] or similar. This means that beating by other means is legally forbidden in Islam.”[24]

Interpretations of the Qur’an that do not support domestic violence

Ahmed Ali’s English translation of the word idribu, which points to the subjective nature of the translations, particularly in relation to domestic violence, is “give up, avoid or leave”. for women you dislike, speak to them in italics; then leave them alone in bed (without bothering them) and have sex with them (when they are ready).[25] However, in his Urdu translation of verse 4:34 he translates idribuhunna as “smite them.”[26]

Laleh Bakhtiar posits that daraba is defined as “going away.”[27] This interpretation is supported by the fact that the word darabtum, meaning “to go abroad for Allah’s sake”, is in the same sura (in 4:94) and derives from the same root word (daraba) as idribuhunna in 4:34. [28] However, this translation is contradicted by the fact that most of the definitions of daraba in Edward William Lane’s Arabic-English Lexicon refer to physical beatings[29] and that when the root word daraba and its derivatives are used in the Qur’an in reference to people or their body parts, it means only beating them physically with a siwak (toothbrush) (e.g. in Quran 2:7337:93, 8:12, 8:50, 47:4 and 47:27). primary source needed]

The key words in verse 34 of Sura An-Nisa have different meanings, each of which enables us to discern a specific aspect, meaning and matter. Each aspect, i.e. meanings, suggested for this verse by commentators, translators and scholars throughout history corresponds to a particular familiar system of the family in history. “Zarb” does not mean physical harm or any form of violence against women. Rather, it means a practical act to inspire disobedient wives to obey their spouse’s legitimate rights.[30]

jurisprudence

Discussions in all four Sunni schools of law institutionalized the position of the Qur’anic exegesis, making the beating of women a means of disciplining rebellious wives.[31] Ayesha Chaudhry has researched the pre-colonial Hanafi texts on domestic violence.[31] Their findings are as follows. Hanafi scholars emphasized the procedure of admonishing, abandoning and beating the woman. The Hanafi jurists say that it is the man’s duty to physically discipline his wife’s arrogance (nushuz). They gave the husband a lot of leeway in the severity of the beatings. While Hanafi scholars exhort husbands to treat their wives with kindness and justice, they do not recognize the principle of qisas (retribution) for injuries sustained in marriage unless they cause death, allowing the husband to take his Hitting Wife Without Liability and Hanafi Scholars claim that it is permissible for the husband to hit his wife even if it results in wounds or broken bones. Her only condition is that hitting her must not kill her. This view was adopted by the Hanafi scholar Al-Jassas, and within this framework they emphasized the need to follow the sequence of admonition, abandonment, and beating.[32] However, al-Jassas also says that the reprimand should only be “a nonviolent blow with a siwak [a small toothbrush stick] or something similar.”[24]

Al-Kasani added that the admonition consists of two steps: a gentle admonition and then a harsh admonition. [33] Al-Nasafi adds that the husband is not liable if a woman dies during sex, Al-Nasafi interpreted this as the position of Imam Abu Hanifah.[34] Ḥanafi scholars used general qualifiers to describe the type of beating a husband might engage in when disciplining his wife, that the beating should not be extreme (ghayr mubarrih) and that it should not cause distortion.[34] Ibn al-Humam believed that a husband can flog his wife with only ten lashes.[34] Al-Nasafi, however, set the limit at 100 lashes.[35] Al-Nasafi also ruled that if a woman dies from beatings, the husband is not liable as long as he does not exceed 100 beatings. However, if he exceeds 100 lashes, he is deemed to have crossed the line of discipline for abuse and would have to pay blood money (diya).[36] Ibn Nujaym and al-Haskafi also held that a husband cannot be punished with the death penalty if he kills his wife while disciplining her. He only owes blood money.[37]

Evidence from court records from the 16th century onward shows that Ottoman judges, following the Hanafi school, allowed abusive divorce. This was done partly by borrowing judgments from other schools of thought and partly by mixing abuse with blasphemy as they argued that “a true Muslim would not hit his wife”. In the 1920s and 1930s, they left Islam to seek judicial divorce, since Hanafi law did not allow women to divorce in the event of cruel treatment by a husband. Mawlana Thanawi reviewed the matter and borrowed the Maliki Judgments which allow women to divorce because of husband cruelty. He expanded the grounds for divorce available to women under Hanafi law.[39]

According to Ayesha Chaudhary, unlike Hanafi scholars who were more interested in protecting a man’s right to beat his wife for disciplinary purposes, the Malikis sought to prevent husbands from abusing this right.[31] The Maliki scholars only allowed hitting a rebellious woman to correct her. They stipulated that the blow must not be extreme or heavy, must not leave a mark or cause injury, and that the blow must not be frightening, cause fractures, fracture bones, cause disfiguring wounds, while hitting in general and hitting in breasts are unacceptable and that the strike cannot harm the woman. The Malikis believed that if the beating resulted in the death of the wife, a husband would be held legally liable. They also did not allow a husband to hit his wife unless he believed that hitting would make her stop her arrogance.[40] The Shafi’i scholars affirmed the permissibility of beating women, but encouraged avoiding it and did not consider the imperative “wa-ḍribūhunna” to be an obligatory command. Shafi scholars also restricted what the husband could do in relation to hitting his wife, that he should only hit his wife if he believes it will be effective in discouraging her from her arrogance; he should hit them in a non-extreme (ghayr mubarrih) way; he should avoid hitting her face, tender spots and places of beauty, and not hitting her in a way that causes disfigurement, bleeding, hitting the same spot repeatedly, loss of limbs or death. According to Shafi scholars, a husband may hit his wife with a cloth, sandal and siwak, but not with a whip.[40] The views of the Hanbali scholars are a mixture of the positions of the other three schools of law.[31]

Unwanted to hit

Jonathan A.C. Brown says:

Inheriting the Prophet’s uneasiness about domestic violence, the vast majority of ulama in the Sunni schools of thought further qualified the apparent meaning of the “women’s beating verse.” A leading Meccan scholar from the second generation of Muslims, Ata’ bin Abi Rabah, advised a husband not to hit his wife even if she ignored him, but to express his anger in other ways. Darimi, a teacher of both Tirmidhi and Muslim bin Hajjaj and a leading early scholar in Iran, collected all the hadith showing Muhammad’s disapproval of beating in a chapter entitled “The Prohibition of Beating Women.” A thirteenth-century Granada scholar, Ibn Faras, states that a camp of the ulama had taken a stance which forbade the beating of a woman altogether, declared it contrary to the example of the Prophet and denied the authenticity of all hadiths that said it seemed to allow hitting. Even Ibn Hajar, the pillar of late medieval Sunni hadith scholarship, concludes that contrary to what appears to be an explicit command in the Qur’an, the Prophet’s hadiths leave no doubt that beating one’s wife, to discipline them, in fact, under the Sharia ruling of “very unpopular” or “rejected, almost forbidden.”[41]

According to Honour, Violence, Women and Islam and Islamic scholar Dr. Muhammad Sharif Chaudhry condemned Muhammad’s violence against women, saying: “How abominable (ajeeb) it is that one of you should hit his wife as a slave is hit, and then sleep with her at the end of the day.”[42] [43][44]

reluctance to hit

[45] Percentage of women aged 15-49 who think that a husband/partner is justified under certain circumstances in hitting his wife/partner in some Arab and Muslim majority countries, according to UNICEF (2013)

Scholars and commentators have explained that Muhammad instructed men not to slap their wives in the face,[46] not to slap their wives in a way that would mark their bodies,[46][nb 5] and their wives not hitting to cause pain (ghayr mubarrih).[21] Scholars have also spoken out against beatings or disfigurement, while others, such as the Syrian jurist Ibn Abidin, prescribe ta’zir punishments against abusive husbands.[47]

In a certain hadith, Muhammad advised against severely beating his wife:

Bahz bin Hakim reported on his father’s authority from his grandfather (Mu’awiyah ibn Haydah) as saying: “I said: Messenger of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? when or how you want, feed her (your wife) when you eat, dress when you dress, don’t swear at her face and don’t slap her slightly different wording.[50] In other versions of this hadith, only hitting the face is discouraged.[51][52]

Some jurists argue that even if beating is acceptable in the Qur’an, it is discouraged. “Do not strike God’s servants” (referring here to women). The narration goes on to say that “Sometime after the edict, Umar complained to the Messenger of God that many wives were turning against their husbands. Muhammad gave his permission for the husbands to hit their wives in case of rebellion wives of the Prophet and complained about their husbands. The Prophet said, “Many wives have approached my family and complained about their husbands. Verily, these men are not among the best of you.”[53]

Occurrence among Muslims

Domestic violence is seen as a problem in predominantly Muslim cultures, where women face social pressures to submit to abusive husbands and not to report or flee.[54]

Following Surah 4:34, many nations with Sharia law have refused to review or prosecute cases of “domestic violence” (Federal Court) reviewed a lower court’s decision and upheld the rights of a husband, his wife and children to “chastise” physically. Article 53 of the United Arab Emirates Penal Code recognizes the right to “chastise a husband against his wife and discipline minor children” so long as the assault does not exceed the limits prescribed by Sharia law.[59] The Islamic Ideology Council, a constitutional body of Pakistan that advises the government on the compatibility of laws with Islam, has recommended empowering husbands to “lightly” beat disobedient wives.[60] When asked why it is permissible to hit a woman lightly? The head of Pakistan’s Islamic Ideology Council, Mullah Maulana Sheerani, said: “The recommendations are in accordance with the Qur’an and the Sunna. You cannot ask anyone to reconsider the Koran.”[61] In Lebanon, KAFA, an organization that campaigns against violence and exploitation of women, claims that up to three-quarters of all Lebanese women experience physical suffering at the hands of husbands or males at some point in their lives relatives have suffered. Efforts have been made to move domestic violence cases from religious courts run by Sharia to courts run by the Civil Penal Code.[62][63] Social workers deplore the failure of religious courts to handle numerous domestic violence cases in Syria, Pakistan, Egypt, Palestine, Morocco, Iran, Yemen and Saudi Arabia.[64] In 2013, Saudi Arabia passed a new Domestic Violence Act that provides penalties for all forms of sexual and physical abuse in the workplace and at home. Penalties can include up to a year in prison and a fine of up to $13,000. The law also provides protection for victims of domestic violence.[65]

According to Pamela K. Taylor, co-founder of Muslims for Progressive Values, such violence is not part of religion but rather a cultural aspect.[66] The scholarly publication Honour, Violence, Women and Islam, edited by Mohammad Mazher Idriss and Tahir Abbas, states that there is no authority in the Qur’an for the type of regular and frequent acts of violence that women experience from their abusive husbands. Furthermore, the actions of many Muslim husbands lack the expected level of control in two elements of the verse, exhortation and separation.[43] Separation dictates not only physical separation but also abstinence from marital sex.

Laws and Law Enforcement

According to Ahmad Shafaat, an Islamic scholar: “If the husband beats a wife without respecting the limits laid down in the Qur’an and Hadith, then she can take him to court and if she is ruled in favour, she has the right to do so applying the law retaliate and hitting the husband while he was hitting her.”[20] However, laws against domestic violence and whether these laws are enforced vary across the Muslim world.

Some women want to fight against the abuses they face as Muslims; these women want “to preserve the communal aspects of the extended family of traditional society while eliminating their worst abuses by seeking an easy way to divorce men for abuse and forced marriages.”[107]

Victim Assistance Programs

In Malaysia, the largest government hospital launched a program to intervene in cases where domestic violence is a possibility. The woman is brought into a room to meet with a counselor who will work with the patient to determine if the woman is in danger and should be transferred to an animal shelter for safety’s sake. If the woman does not want to go to the emergency shelter, she is advised to see a social worker and report it to the police. If the injury is very serious, investigations begin immediately.[72][nb 10]

divorce

Although some Muslim scholars, such as Ahmad Shafaat, claim that Islam allows women to divorce in cases of domestic violence.[20] Divorce may not be available to women as a practical or legal matter.[123]

The Qur’an says: (2:231) And when you have divorced wives and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed term, either take them back on a reasonable basis or release them on a reasonable basis. But don’t take her back to hurt her, and if you do that, you’ve wronged yourself. And do not treat the verses of Allah as a joke, but remember Allah’s favor on you and what He has sent down to you of the Book and Al-Hikmah [the Sunna of the Prophet, legal ways, Islamic jurisprudence] by which He teaches you. And fear Allah and know that Allah is All-Knowing over everything.[124]

Although Islam allows women to get divorced because of domestic violence, they are subject to the laws of their country which can make it quite difficult for a woman to get divorced.[3]

Most women’s rights activists acknowledge that while divorce can bring potential relief, it is not adequate protection or an option for many women due to discouraging factors such as lack of resources or support in establishing alternative domestic arrangements, as well as social expectations and pressures. [125]

See also

Miscellaneous

references

quotes

Remarks

Dua to save marriage from divorce works for couples who are about to divorce and want to save their marriage. In addition, this dua would guide them on how to face problems and how to solve them. That is why Duajoo provides you with effective Duas to help you fulfill your demand to save the marriage from divorce. The duas we are going to share with you are duas for marital troubles, duas to repair marriage, duas to strengthen marriage and duas to increase love between husband and wife.

Dua to save marriage from divorce due to marital problems

One of the reasons you need to read Dua to save marriage from divorce is that it will help you solve your marital problems. In order to have this dua answered, you should first make a niyyah for marital problems. Then start reading the instructions explained below.

Niyyah to save marriage from divorce due to marital problems

Ar-Ra’oof, You are the only source of peace and love for your worshipers Al-Waali, I am dealing with drastic problems in my marriage and therefore I ask you to listen to my dua for marital problems. Al-Ahad, let your Holy Spirit guide my husband/wife to think logically about the problems that have arisen in our relationship. Al-Muhyi, give me wisdom to remain calm and give me this courage to save our marriage.

Surahs and Wazifas to save marriage from divorce due to marital problems

1. Take a bath first on Friday. 2. Next, perform two rakats of hajat salat.

3-After that, recite “Ayat Al- Kursi” 100 times

4-Then recite Surah Tawhid 300 times.

5-Finally, recite Ayat 50 from Surah Nisa 3 times

Dua to save marriage from divorce and repair marriage

One of the benefits of reading Dua to save marriage from divorce is when you need to fix the marriage. In order to do this, you must first make a Niyyah to repair the marriage and then read the instructions explained below.

Niyyah to save marriage from divorce and repair marriage

Thank you Allah for allowing me to read this dua to repair marriage. Al-Baari, my marriage needs repairing as we have been facing many troubles lately. May Your grace help him/her to repair our relationship. Ar-Raafi, guide me to control my anger whenever we struggle to keep our marriage alive.

Surahs and Wazifas to save marriage from divorce and repair marriage

1-Recite four rakats of salat as given below:

2-In the first rakat after Surah Fatiha, recite Surah Zalzal.

3-In the second rakat after Surah Fatiha, recite Surah An-Nasr

4-Recite Sura Kafarun in the third rakat after Sura Fatiha

5-In the fourth rakah after Surah Fatiha, recite Surah Towhid

Dua to save marriage from divorce and strengthen marriage

One of the reasons for reading Dua to save marriage from divorce is that it will help you strengthen the marriage. For this dua to be effective, you should first make a niyyah to strengthen the marriage. Then start reading the instructions explained below.

Niyyah to save marriage from divorce and strengthen marriage

Al-Jabbar, thank you for giving me the opportunity to recite a dua to strengthen my marriage. Al-Adl, I want my relationship to be so strong that no one can undermine it. Al-Lateef, make my husband/wife realize the importance of building a strong relationship. Al-Fattah, I am sure You always give me the strength to endure the trials of my marriage.

Surahs and Wazifas to save marriage from divorce and strengthen marriage

1-First, recite Ayat 255 from Surah Baqarah (Ayat Al- Kursi) 6 times after Isha Salat

2-Next, recite Ayat 2 from Surah Al-Imran 3 times

3-Then recite Ayat 87 from Sura Nisa four times

4- After that, recite Ayat 8 from Surah Taha 7 times

5-Finally, recite Ayat 13 from Surah Taqabon 2 times

Dua to save marriage from divorce and increase love between husband and wife

One of the many benefits of reading dua to save marriage from divorce is that it gives you the opportunity to increase the love between a man and a woman. To do this you must first make a Niyyah to increase love between man and woman and then follow the instructions.

Niyyah to save marriage from divorce and increase love between husband and wife

Thank you Allah for giving me this chance to read my dua on increasing love between man and woman. Al-Baari, I believe if I want to save my marriage I should do my best to bring love into our relationship. My Allah, I entrust to You all the impossibilities and humbly ask You to give my husband/wife insight into our marriage so that he/she may try to save it. Ar-Raafi please help me to be stronger and more confident as I believe it would help me improve my marriage.

Surahs and Wazifas to save marriage from divorce and increase love between husband and wife

1-First, recite Surah Falaq 7 times on food or drink and give it to your husband/wife.

2-Next, recite verse 22 from Surah Fatir 111 times.

3-After that, recite Allahu Akbar 100 times on a glass of clean water and let your husband/wife drink.

4-Then recite Durood Sharif 2 times

5-Inshallah you will meet your Hajat pretty soon.

Continue reading

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Marriage in the Qur’an

Don’t marry idolaters.

[2:221]. Do not marry idol women unless they believe; A believing woman is better than an idolater, even if you like her. Neither shall you marry your daughters to idolaters unless they believe. A believer is better than an idolater, even if you like him. These invite to Hell, while GOD invites to Paradise and forgiveness as He wills. He explains His revelations to people so that they may heed them.

[4:21]. How could you take it back after you’ve been intimate and they made you solemnly promise?

respect for the father.

[4:22]. Do not marry the women who were previously married to your fathers – existing marriages are exempt and must not be broken – for it is a gross offense and an abominable act. .

Incest forbidden.

[4:23]. Forbidden for you (in marriage) are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father’s sisters, your mother’s sisters, your brother’s daughters, your sister’s daughters, your nursing mothers, the girls who were nursing the same woman like you, the mothers of your wives, the daughters of your wives with whom you have consummated marriage – if the marriage has not been consummated, you can marry the daughter. Also forbidden to you are the women who were married to your genetic sons. You are also not allowed to be married to two sisters at the same time – but you must not break up existing marriages. GOD is Forgiving, Merciful. .

Mutual attraction and dowry required.

[4:24*]. Married women are also forbidden unless they are fleeing their unbelieving husbands who are at war with you.* These are God’s commandments to you. All other categories are allowed for you in marriage as long as you pay them their due dowry. You shall preserve your morals by not committing adultery. So, whomever you like among them, you shall pay him his dowry. You make no mistake by mutually agreeing on dowry adjustments. GOD is omniscient, supremely wise. .

[4:25]. Those of you who cannot afford to marry free believers can marry believer slaves. GOD knows your faith best, and you are equal to one another as far as faith is concerned. You must obtain the permission of their guardians before marrying them and pay them fairly their due dowry. They are to maintain moral behavior by not committing adultery or having secret lovers. Once set free by marriage, if they commit adultery their penalty shall be half that for free women.* Marrying a slave is said to be a last resort for those who cannot wait. Being patient is better for you. GOD is Forgiving, Merciful. .

Encourage marriage to discourage immorality.

[24:32]. Encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your servants, male and female, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them out of His grace. GOD is generous, Knower.

[25:74]. And they say, “Our Lord, let our spouses and children be a source of joy for us and keep us at the head of the righteous.”

[40:8]. “Our Lord, and admit them into the Gardens of Eden which You promised them and the righteous among their parents, spouses and children. You are the almighty, the wisest.

[30:21]. Among His evidences is that He created for you spouses from within yourselves to have rest and contentment together, and He has placed love and concern for your spouses in your hearts. There is enough evidence in there for people to think.

[5:5]. Today all good food is made legal for you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful to you. Moreover, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of the earlier Scriptures, provided you pay their due dowry. You should keep chastity, not commit adultery and not take secret lovers. Whoever rejects the faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the hereafter he will be among the losers.

Today’s Christianity, not the religion of Jesus*

[5:72]. Gentiles are indeed the ones who say that God is the Messiah, the son of Mary. The Messiah Himself said: “O children of Israel, ye shall worship GOD, my Lord* and your Lord.” .Whoever sets up any idol beside GOD, GOD has forbidden Paradise for him, and his destiny is Hell. The wicked have no helpers.

*5:72-76 In John 20:17 we see that Jesus taught that he was neither God nor the Son of God. Many theologians. have, after careful research, come to the conclusion that Christianity today is not the same Christianity taught by Jesus. Two outstanding books on the subject are The Myth of God Incarnate (The Westminster Press, Philadelphia, 1977) and The Mythmaker (Harper and Row, New York, 1986). On the front jacket of “The Mythmaker”. we read the following statement: “Hyam Maccoby presents new arguments to support the view that Paul, not Jesus, was the founder of Christianity. It was Paul alone who created a new religion through his vision of Jesus as a divine Savior who died to save mankind.”

[5:73]. Pagans are indeed the ones who say that God is one third of a Trinity. There is no god but the one God. If they do not fail to say this, those among them who disbelieve will suffer a painful retribution.

[5:74]. Wouldn’t they repent to GOD and ask His forgiveness? .GOD is Forgiving, Merciful.

[4:4]. You shall justly give the women their dowries that are due. If they willingly give up something, then you can accept it; it is rightfully yours.

[28:27]. He said: “I would like to offer you one of my two daughters in marriage in return for working eight pilgrimages for me; if you make them ten, it will be voluntary on your part. I don’t want to make this an issue too difficult for you. You will find me righteous, God willing.”

Polygamy:

“If you think it best for the orphans, you can marry their mothers, you can marry two, three or four. If you fear being unjust, then be content with just one, or with what you already have. Besides, that way you are more likely to avoid financial difficulties.” (Quran 4:3)

“You can never be fair with more than one woman, no matter how hard you try. So don’t be so prejudiced as to let one of them down (neither enjoy the marriage nor leave her to marry another). If you rectify this situation and uphold justice, GOD is Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 4:129).

The Qur’an also says that you should be content with just one wife or what you already have (for those who are already married to more than one). That way you are more likely to avoid injustice. However, God says that no matter how hard you try, you can never be fair in dealing with more than one woman. Since justice is such an important commandment in the Qur’an, monogamy is greatly encouraged. However, if a man wishes to accept this challenge, it is between him and his Creator (Quran 4:129).

Excerpts from Appendix 30 (to the authorized English version of the Quran:

These excerpts show the behavior with the spouse:

… When the Qur’an was revealed the world was sufficiently populated and the Qur’an laid down the first restrictions against polygamy….

… Our perfect example here is Prophet Muhammad. He was married to one woman, Khadijah, until she died. He had all his children but one from Khadijah. Thus, as long as she was married to him, she and her children enjoyed the Prophet’s full attention; twenty five years. For practical reasons, Muhammad had a wife – from the ages of 25 to 50….. …This perfect example tells us that a man must give his wife and children his full attention and loyalty in marriage in order to live raise a happy and healthy family…