I Hate Meeting New People? The 61 Top Answers

This article was created in collaboration with Shapr. Thank you for supporting the partners that make SitePoint possible.

Meeting new people can be fun, scary, exciting and life changing. It can open up new career opportunities, sometimes even whole new careers! To reap the benefits of networking, it helps to make it a regular part of your week. Here are ten ways networking can help you learn, collaborate, and grow, and how Shapr, a mobile app, can help.

1. Build your confidence

Many freelancers find the lifestyle isolating. The silence can be unnerving, motivation can be difficult, and you can feel a little uncomfortable around others.

The solution? Meet in person over coffee or food, learn to break the ice, talk about problems, listen and offer advice. Meeting new people will help build your confidence.

2. Be inspired by new ideas

Sharing with like-minded people is inspiring and someone from another field can open up new perspectives for you. Talking to someone new can be stimulating, filling your bank with new ideas and propelling you into your next project.

But where do you find relevant like-minded people? A new app I’ve discovered – Shapr – can introduce you.

When you meet, the conversation will be easy because you have things in common. Your profile contains 10 facts about you and your interests, and each day you are introduced to 15-20 people whose interests align with yours.

3. Shape your life and your career

Connect with people you can learn from—someone further afield who can mentor you or a colleague you can share stories with. The best way to discover paths to a new career is over coffee with someone who is already there. Quality conversations stay with you and shape the vision of where you want to go. Conversations about the big picture are motivating and encouraging.

4. Find fulfillment by helping others

Networking isn’t just about receiving—giving goes both ways. You can help shape someone else’s life or career and have their back when times are tough. Build your network on trust and collaboration.

Swipe right to connect, swipe left to transfer. Shapr is designed to spark meaningful, mutually beneficial conversations that grow into long-term relationships.

If you and the other person swipe right, you will be notified. From there, you can agree to a call, coffee, lunch, or drinks—whatever you’re comfortable meeting them with.

5. Stay current with your industry

To advance your career, you need to stay relevant. Expand your sources of information by meeting with others in your industry. Make friends with people outside your age group – they can show you new ways of looking at your business and help you see the bigger picture.

6. Improve your marketing skills

When you meet new people, you need to better explain what you’re doing, which in turn gives you new marketing material. Be confident, open, and friendly when talking about what your company does. Ask questions as an informal way of doing market research and get honest feedback on your ideas.

7. Build your sphere of influence

Meeting new people will raise your company’s profile and expand your sphere of influence. But what’s really great is that these people haven’t just heard about you, they’ve met you personally. When they spread the word about you or refer you to others, their opinions carry more weight.

With Shapr, networking feels like less work. It only takes two minutes to swipe through profiles, and you don’t have to swipe right on all of them. There’s no pressure and you don’t feel rushed. Make it part of your daily routine.

8. Collaborate!

As you meet new people, you will inevitably come across people to work with. Just hiring someone doesn’t always work. Some projects need someone who understands your vision and shares your passion. You’re more likely to meet them if you step out of your usual circles and connect with new people on a regular basis.

9. Advance your career

Meeting new people can open doors. Keeping in touch will keep you on their radar, so they’re more likely to think of you when job opportunities come up or they come across someone who can use your services. Regular networking increases your chances of being in the right place at the right time.

10. Be concerned

You never know who you will meet and how they will affect your business. You will come across those who need your services and can refer you to others, opportunities to speak or write, new suppliers and people to add to your team. Who knows, you might even meet your future business partner!

Shapr’s design and functionality keeps you from being bothered by random messages, and this type of setup has encouraged many big company executives to join the app. So you never know who you might run into swiping your daily batch.

Unconvinced? The proof is in the pudding. Try it out! It only costs you a few minutes a day, plus the courage to go out and meet someone.

Install Shapr and make it a part of your lifestyle. It’s free and works on Android and iOS. Be brave and swipe right from time to time!

“I hate socializing!”

We’ve all said this before while we’re at a social event and boredom creeps in or you’re engaged in a chilling conversation that sucks the soul out of your body.

Even the most experienced conversationalists have moments where they say, “I hate socializing!” Some people just suck at conversation. But now we give them a pass.

Remember, you’re here because you have the motivation to understand why you’re saying “I hate socializing” and how you can improve. That’s great!

We also have a video that quickly goes through the top 5 reasons! But be sure to check out our post below for more information.

Now let’s dive into the reasons why socializing can be difficult and how you can start enjoying the social activities that life throws at you.

We include products that we believe will be useful to our readers. If you make a purchase through our links, we may receive a commission.

“Why can’t I make friends? I feel like nobody likes me and I’ve realized that growing up is a lot harder than it was in school.” – Kim

If you’ve only recently come to the realization that “I have no friends,” or if you’ve felt that way your entire life, this guide is for you.

Not having friends can make someone feel “cursed” — like people chose you before you even met. It can affect your self-esteem and confidence, making it even harder to feel motivated to socialize.

I hope that after reading this guide, you have a clearer understanding of why you don’t have friends and have a game plan on how to develop your friend-making skills over time (even though it may have felt like it). . a hopeless task up to this point.)

Here’s a quick recap of some of the steps we’ll go through.

What to do if you don’t have friends: Remind yourself that many people don’t have friends. Find out how you’re lonely Fear of rejection Challenge your negative thought patterns

Chapter

To learn what to do when you don’t have friends, let’s start by identifying common reasons why some people don’t have friends:

Some just don’t like socializing: They don’t like small talk or parties. Others don’t even like people.

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Some suffer from social anxiety, shyness, Asperger’s (autism spectrum syndrome), physical disabilities, or disorders such as bipolar disorder or depression. Others have experienced psychological trauma in the past or have been disappointed or betrayed.

We also cover life circumstances such as B. life in the country, moving a lot, moving friends or starting families.

Then we determine your specific situation: Do you have friends but recently found that you cannot rely on them? Do you regularly meet people but can’t seem to connect with them? Do you technically have friends but feel like they don’t know or understand you? Or are you currently not having any type of social interaction?

All of these factors play a part in how you deal with not having friends.

Know that it is common not to have friends

Know that not having friends is perfectly normal. It’s not strange, and in fact it’s common: 1 in 5 has no close friends.[10] Imagine that one in five people you meet on your next walk don’t have close friends.

A recommendation If you’re looking to improve your social skills, confidence and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1 minute quiz. You will receive a 100% free custom report showing the areas you need to improve. Start the quiz

Visualizing this can help us feel less strange and alien: You are never alone and you feel lonely. Know that there are many people who are just like you. Still others were lonely but were able to form close friendships. It’s likely that you can too.

Why don’t I have any friends?

These are common reasons for not having friends: being an introvert, suffering from social anxiety or shyness, suffering from depression, having Asperger’s, being socially inexperienced, having no social interests

Take this quiz to find out why you don’t have friends.

Chapter 1: Find out how you are lonely

Not having friends can mean many different things. Sometimes we try to protect ourselves from a harsh reality by thinking it’s not as bad as it seems. Sometimes it feels like the situation is a lot worse than it really is. By getting a realistic view of your situation, you are more likely to be successful in improving it.

Here are some general statements that may or may not apply to you:

“People don’t like me/hate me/are indifferent to me”

Sometimes we behave in such a way that people actively reject us. Maybe we’re too self-centered, too negative, or we’re breaking rapport, or we’re too clingy. We will explore some of these reasons in the Common Mistakes section that make making friends difficult.

However, sometimes it can feel like people don’t like us even when they do. When someone is busy and can’t meet up, we might think they don’t like us, even if they do. If someone doesn’t use smileys in their message, we might think they’re upset with us when they’re not.

One of our readers writes:

“I worry about what people think of me. I’m afraid I seem awkward or weird, and if someone doesn’t talk to me that much, I assume they don’t like me.”

Sometimes we can even ignore evidence that people value us: we get invited to a party, but we think it’s out of pity. Maybe people say nice things to us but we feel like they are just being polite etc.

To find out if people really don’t like you, look at the evidence for and against. Can you find examples in your life where people seemed to like you? Good – maybe you’re more likeable than you think. In this case, the real cause of not feeling liked may be low self-esteem.

On the other hand, if you can find several clear examples to the contrary – like several people pointing out something they don’t like about you, that’s good too! Now that you’ve isolated the problem and know what to work on.

Our article on different signs people don’t like about you might make it easier for you to spot them.

“I can’t make friends”

If you feel like you can’t make friends, see if you can find evidence to the contrary. Were there situations in which you made friends? If you find examples of this, you can be sure that the statement is not true.

Maybe there are other reasons you don’t have friends. For example, it can feel like you can’t make friends when in reality you just don’t meet enough people on a daily basis.

The article continues below. Take this quiz and find out how to make new friends. Learn how YOU can better connect people and make them close friends. Start the quiz.

On the other hand, if you come to the conclusion that you rarely or never made friends, you may want to focus your energy on your friendship skills. Later in this guide, we’ll cover some common mistakes that can make it harder to make friends and what to do about them.

“I have friends, but no close friends”

Perhaps you regularly meet with a group of people in a group, but never with someone in pairs. Or you have friends you can go out and have fun with, but you never talk about anything personal or important.

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Here are two common reasons for having friends but not close friends:

Don’t open up and tell something about yourself. – In order for two people to see each other as close friends, they need to know things about each other. If you don’t open up about yourself, your boyfriend won’t feel comfortable opening up to him. You don’t have to talk about something overly sensitive or something that might embarrass you. Just sharing your thoughts and feelings about things that are happening is a good start. For example, when your phone rings and you say, “I always get a little nervous before I have to answer an unfamiliar number. Do you?” you opened up for a more personal conversation where you get to know each other.

– In order for two people to see each other as close friends, they need to know things about each other. If you don’t open up about yourself, your boyfriend won’t feel comfortable opening up to him. You don’t have to talk about something overly sensitive or something that might embarrass you. Just sharing your thoughts and feelings about things that are happening is a good start. For example, when your phone rings and you say, “I always get a little nervous before I have to answer an unfamiliar number. Do you?” you opened up for a more personal conversation where you get to know each other. Don’t allow the conversation to be intimate or personal. – Sometimes we can feel uncomfortable when a conversation gets too personal and we change the subject or crack jokes. It can help to stay in this personal conversation. We usually get to know each other here.

In summary, we tend to make close friends as we become more and more personal about what we talk to someone about over time.[9]

“I have no friends”

Think about whether you really don’t have any friends or whether the reality is more complex. Could your situation be one of the following?

If you don’t have any support system in your life, read our guide on what to do when you have no family or friends.

Chapter 2: Reasons for not having friends

There are often reasons for not having friends. Sometimes these issues are so important that they require most of your attention. At other times, you can work on these issues along with the more practical steps further down in this guide to making friends.

introversion

Main article: How to Make Friends as an Introvert.

30-50% of the world’s people are introverts.[4] Some almost always prefer solitude over socializing. However, those who prefer solitude can still feel lonely.

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If you’re an introvert, you probably don’t enjoy seemingly meaningless social interactions. While extroverts can recharge their batteries through socializing, introverts usually need to expend energy socializing. While extroverts can enjoy high-energy, intense social environments, introverts tend to enjoy one-on-one conversations more.

It can help to look for places where you’re likely to meet other introverts, such as:

reading or writing meetings

Craft and Maker Parks

Certain types of volunteer work

Many workshops and courses

These places tend to be less noisy or energetic, and have different social expectations of you.

Sometimes we confuse fear or shyness with introversion: we can say we don’t want to socialize because we’re introverted, when in reality it’s because we suffer from social anxiety.

Social anxiety or shyness

“I’m quiet and shy, but I also just feel so scared when I’m in a group of people. I feel like I know I won’t find any friends or good conversation, so I just switch off. I can’t control any of it.”

Shyness, awkwardness, or having social anxiety disorder (SAD) can make socializing difficult.

But the only way to make friends is to meet people, and in order to do that you need to find ways to deal with your shyness or social anxiety. The good news is that there are effective methods you can use.

Here’s what to do if you have no friends and social anxiety.

depression

In some cases, feeling lonely is a symptom of depression.[5] In this case it is important that you speak to a professional such as a therapist.

If you need someone to talk to right away, call the crisis hotline. If you are in the US, call 1-800-662-HELP (4357). You can learn more here: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

If you are not in the US, you can find your country’s helpline number here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

If you don’t like talking on the phone, you can text a crisis counselor. You are international. More information can be found here: https://www.crisistextline.org/

All these services are 100% free and confidential.

Here’s a guide to dealing with depression.

Asperger’s (autism spectrum syndrome)

One of our readers writes:

“I’m scared of saying anything to people when I meet them for the first time. My autism is my biggest challenge. I don’t want to do anything wrong.”

Having Asperger’s can make it more difficult to read social cues or understand the intentions of others. The good news is that many with Asperger’s are able to learn these cues and become just as good at socializing as anyone else. Here are some times when you have Asperger’s and no friends. Further down in this guide, we cover additional handy tips on how to make friends.

Bipolar disorder

Extreme mood swings or bouts of mania followed by bouts of depression can be a sign of bipolar disorder. It’s common to withdraw during periods of depression, which can hurt your friendships. But the manic episodes can also hurt your friendships: you may do or say things you otherwise wouldn’t have.[6]

One of our readers writes:

“I am a medical bipolar. I tend to talk to everyone whether I have a “relationship” with them or not. I would love to develop a method of “SELF CENSORING” so I don’t push the boundaries of people who prefer that I not interact with them and that I ignore any signals they send out!”

For some with bipolar disorder, it may be impossible to stop speaking. For others, it may be manageable with techniques. It can be helpful to say something to those around you like, “I know I’m talking and working a lot. Please let me know if I do because I don’t always notice it. Practicing relaxation and listening during conversations can also be helpful.

The article continues below. A recommendation If you’re looking to improve your social skills, confidence and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1 minute quiz. You will receive a 100% free custom report showing the areas you need to improve. Start the quiz

Bipolar disorder can improve with therapy and medication. It’s important to see a psychiatrist who can give you the right treatment. Learn more about bipolar disorder here.

Other mental disorders or physical disabilities

There are many other mental disorders or physical disabilities that can make it harder to make or keep friends. These include panic attacks, social phobia, agoraphobia, schizophrenia, wheelchair use, blindness, deafness, etc.

Dealing with any type of disorder can be daunting: people may have wrong assumptions or make judgments.

Here are some things you can do:

If possible, seek advice or therapy from a qualified healthcare professional.

When your condition is stigmatized in the general population, it may feel easier to connect with others who have a condition similar to yours.

If you have a physical disability, reach out to your local community groups or charities who can facilitate mobility.

Find interest groups for people in your situation either on Facebook (search for groups), meetup.com, or search one of the thousands of subreddits on Reddit.

Focus on groups that meet regularly. It’s easier to bond with people you see regularly.

Not enough social experience

The more time you spend socializing, the better you become at it. Maybe you just haven’t enjoyed enough social training because you preferred to be alone or didn’t socialize much for a good reason.

While social skills may feel like something you’re born with, it’s no more complex than, say, learning to play the guitar. The more hours you put in, the better you’ll get at it.

If you can understand that you don’t have enough social experience, put yourself in situations where you meet people, such as:

Go to meetings that match your interests

Volunteer or attend a class

Say yes to invitations and opportunities that present themselves

It’s usually never much fun to do something we don’t feel good about. However, it’s more fun when you notice your skills improving. That means you have to start by pushing yourself to meet people, even if you don’t feel like it. You may have thoughts like, “What the hell, I still can’t make friends when I leave.” But remember, every hour you spend socializing is an hour closer to becoming a socially competent person. Socially competent people tend to have an easier time making friends.

When you play guitar, you’ll learn faster if you study theory alongside your live practice. The same goes for socializing. Be sure to study social skills.

Being too quiet in groups and not attracting attention

Main article: How to stop being quiet.

Sometimes it’s just easier to listen than to jump in and make a statement that you may not be 100% convinced of. Groups can be intimidating. If this is you, remember that saying something is better than nothing at all.

People need to get to know you and see that you are friendly and interesting. Say something even if you don’t know if it will be interesting enough. It’s probably not that bad. Actually, it doesn’t really matter what you say, but that you show that you want to be part of the conversation and that you care about what others are saying.

aggression issues

Anger can be used as a defense mechanism when you feel uncomfortable or insecure in social situations. Anger can even have a self-soothing effect on us.[11]

Unfortunately, such a reaction can be off-putting because people may think that you are angry with them or that you are an unhappy person.

Being angry intimidates people and prevents them from getting to know you or being open to your offers of friendship.

The article continues below. Break free from social awkwardness Learn how to stop being awkward with our free training. Take our quiz to get started. Start the quiz

Try to feel the emotions of fear and insecurity in social situations and don’t try to block them out with angry or defensive thoughts. Instead of lashing out, make a habit of taking a few breaths when you get angry. Always wait before acting in anger. This can help you respond more rationally and not interfere with your social life.

Consider seeing a therapist. They can help provide you with personalized tools to control your anger.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy as they offer unlimited messaging, a weekly session and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

Their plans start at $64 per week. Use this link to get 20% off your first month on BetterHelp + a $200 coupon valid on any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.

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Chapter 3: Life situations that make it difficult to make friends

No social interests

Social interests are interests, hobbies, and passions that you can use to get to know people.

Getting to know people through your interests is an effective way to make friends: you’ll automatically meet like-minded people while doing what you enjoy.

If you don’t currently have any social interests, you’re missing out on one of the easiest ways to meet new people who can become friends.

Not everyone has a passion or hobby that they live for. The good news is that you can use any type of activity that you enjoy to meet new people.

Go to Meetup.com and look for events you enjoy. Look especially for events that happen on a regular basis (once a week or every two weeks). At these events, you tend to meet people often enough to befriend them.

Other good places to go are Facebook groups and subreddits.

Have recently lost your social circle

There can be many reasons why you might lose your existing social circle. We will address some common reasons in this chapter, including moving, changing or losing your job or your partner’s social distancing when you break up.

The most effective way to build a social circle from scratch is to actively take the initiative to socialize. This may feel new if you’ve previously tapped into a social circle with less effort – e.g. B. through work, college or a partner.

Here are some examples of self-initiative:

Join a shared flat

Say yes to invitations

Take the initiative to keep in touch with people you care about

Join groups and meetings

volunteers

Join and reach people in a friend app like Bumble BFF. (Not the same as the original Bumble, which is meant for dating. Here’s our review of apps and sites for making friends.)

If you want to meet up with some friends, invite others that you think would be a good fit.

If you’re studying, take part in extracurricular activities.

If you work, join relevant social groups and go home.

Remember times when you made friends in the past. This can help you see that your current situation is likely to improve even if you are feeling lonely right now.

Know that building a social circle from scratch takes time. Keep taking the initiative even if you don’t see immediate results. At the end of this guide you will not only find initiative, but also advice on how to brush up on your social skills.

The article continues below. Double Your Social Confidence in 5 Minutes If you’re looking to improve your social skills, confidence and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1 minute quiz. You will receive a 100% free custom report showing the areas you need to improve. Start the quiz

You have moved away from your hometown

Main article: How to make friends in a new city.

Moving to a new city robs you of your old social circle and puts you in an unfamiliar environment. Therefore, it is common for people to feel lonely after a move. Know that you don’t feel lonely alone. You can use this to your advantage – there are usually many others who are also looking for friends. However, you have to be proactive to find these people. In the step above, I give several examples of how to take initiative.

Changing jobs, losing a job, or not having friends at work

Work is the most common place to make friends

For many, work is the primary place to socialize, and we often meet our co-workers more than our spouse or friends outside of work. Because of this, it’s perfectly normal to feel lonely when you lose your old colleagues.

Don’t forget that you can keep in touch with your old colleagues even if you no longer work together. Nothing prevents you from continuing to attend their After-Works. Let her know you’d like to keep in touch and ask her to let you know if she’s up to anything. Take the initiative by inviting them to eat or drink.

job change

Know that it’s normal for a new job to take time to make friends. Most people have their existing circle of friends that they’re comfortable with, and you’re new and unknown. If your co-workers would rather hang out with each other than you, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you, just that their existing friends are less uncomfortable with being around them. If you are warm, friendly and accept their invitations, you will be accepted over time.

lose your job

Friendship at work slowly develops if we spend enough time together. So if you lose your job and don’t automatically meet people regularly, you need to be more proactive. My advice on proactive ways to make friends after recently losing your social circle.

You can look at losing your job as a hidden boon to your social life: instead of befriending someone who happened to have worked at your job, you can now have more control over who your friends will be. You now have the opportunity and time to find and interact with people with whom you harmonize even better or who share your specific interests.

Losing a job can come as a shock. If you recently lost your job, know that in a few weeks or months your situation will feel better. Maybe you’re feeling lonelier now than you actually are.

Don’t have friends at work

Main article: Not having friends at work

There can be several reasons why you don’t have friends at work. We will cover many of these in the article above. However, in certain situations you may be working remotely, have very few colleagues, or simply have nothing in common with them. In this situation, it’s especially important to look at friends outside of work. We’ll talk more about how to do that later in this guide.

Having no friends in college

Know that it’s common not to have friends for the first 6 months of college. Many have to rebuild their social environment from scratch. It typically takes about 50 hours of interaction to make a casual friend, and more than twice that time to make a good friend.[14] In other words, if you interact with someone for 30 minutes a day, it can take at least 200 days to consider them friends. Here’s what you can do to speed up this process:

Become an active member of a student organization or club

Take an active part in your online course discussion forums

Take the initiative – invite people to lunch, study or exercise

Talk in class and make plans for what you want to do afterwards

Main article: How to Make Friends in College.

Having no friends after college

At school we meet like-minded people every day. After college, socializing suddenly takes on a whole different form. If you don’t want to limit your social life to your job or your partner, you need to actively seek out like-minded people. The easiest way to do this is to figure out ways to make your existing interests more social.

Here’s our main article on what to do if you don’t have any friends after college.

Living in a rural area

The benefit of living in a rural area is that it’s often more intimate; Usually everyone knows everyone, while a city can be more anonymous. However, if you don’t get along with your environment, it can suddenly be much more difficult to find like-minded people than in a big city.

If you want to get more involved and get to know more people, it’s usually a good idea to join local groups or councils, or help out neighbors if needed. There are usually many opportunities to do this if you ask around: even small hamlets have numerous boards for road maintenance, forestry, agriculture or hunting, which you can join. This creates an automatic social circle.

If you’re not making friends with those who live in your area and it’s making you feel lonely and isolated, you may consider moving to a larger city.

The article continues below. Double Your Social Confidence in 5 Minutes If you’re looking to improve your social skills, confidence and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1 minute quiz. You will receive a 100% free custom report showing the areas you need to improve. Start the quiz

While this may sound intimidating, it has the benefit of making it easier for you to find people who are more like you using Meetup.com, for example. See my advice on Recently Lost Your Social Circle.

have no money

Kein Geld zu haben kann es schwieriger machen, Kontakte zu knüpfen. Es kann sich auch peinlich anfühlen und die Idee, Kontakte zu knüpfen, weniger ansprechend klingen lassen. Darüber hinaus kann es Stress verursachen, der es schwierig macht, sich auf ein soziales Leben zu konzentrieren. Hier sind einige Ratschläge.

Konzentrieren Sie sich auf kostenlose Veranstaltungen. Veranstaltungen auf Meetup.com sind in der Regel kostenlos.

Wählen Sie ein Picknick in einem Park statt Drinks in einer Bar oder kochen Sie zu Hause statt in ein Restaurant zu gehen.

Wandern, Sport treiben, Joggen, etwas Sport treiben und Videospiele spielen oder zu Hause Filme schauen, kann eine relativ günstige Möglichkeit sein, Kontakte zu knüpfen.

Wenn du in eine Bar gehst, nimm eine Cola statt Getränke. Das ist in der Regel deutlich günstiger.

Wenn jemand zu einem teureren Ort gehen möchte, erklären Sie ihm, dass Sie das Geld dafür nicht haben, und bieten Sie eine billigere Alternative an.

Nicht genug Zeit haben

Wenn Sie mit der Arbeit oder dem Studium beschäftigt sind, haben Sie vielleicht einfach nicht die Zeit, Kontakte zu knüpfen. Hier sind einige Ratschläge:

Sehen Sie, ob Sie mit anderen Kollegen oder Studenten zusammen studieren oder arbeiten können.

Erinnere dich daran, dass ein paar Stunden geselliges Beisammensein pro Woche dir wichtige Pausen verschaffen können, die dir am Ende dabei helfen, produktiver zu sein.

Manchmal kann unser Gehirn eine Ausrede erfinden, dass wir keine Zeit haben, Leute zu treffen, obwohl wir in Wirklichkeit Zeit haben. Der wahre Grund, warum wir keine Kontakte knüpfen, könnte sein, dass wir uns dabei unwohl fühlen oder das Gefühl haben, dass es nicht fruchtbar sein wird. Wenn Sie sich darauf beziehen können, treffen Sie eine bewusste Entscheidung, gelegentlich soziale Kontakte zu knüpfen, auch wenn Sie keine Lust dazu haben.

Wenn Sie soziale Kontakte nicht fruchtbar finden, verbessern Sie Ihre sozialen Fähigkeiten. Das kann Ihnen helfen, Beziehungen effektiver aufzubauen. Tipps dazu finden Sie am Ende dieser Anleitung.

Nur Geselligkeit mit Ihrem Lebensgefährten

Ein Partner kann unsere sozialen Bedürfnisse erfüllen, zumindest bis zu dem Punkt, an dem wir nicht motiviert genug sind, auszugehen und mit Fremden Kontakte zu knüpfen.

Alle Freundeseier in einen Korb zu legen, hat jedoch Nachteile.

Wenn Ihre Freundschaft nur aus einer Person besteht, sind Sie möglicherweise übermäßig von dieser Person abhängig, und Konflikte oder Probleme in den Beziehungen können schlimmer sein, wenn Sie niemanden haben, mit dem Sie interagieren können. Sie riskieren, Ihren Partner zu ersticken. Sie brauchen Sie möglicherweise, um mit anderen über Ihre Probleme sprechen zu können, damit sie nicht Ihr einziges Ventil sind. Wenn Sie ihr einzig wahrer Freund werden, kann das Leben für Sie beide schnell überwältigend werden. Wenn Sie mit Ihrem Lebensgefährten Schluss machen, müssen Sie Ihren Freundeskreis möglicherweise von Grund auf neu aufbauen.

Um dies zu verhindern, suchen Sie sich einen größeren Freundeskreis. Zu welchen Treffen könnten Sie beispielsweise im Zusammenhang mit Ihren Interessen gehen?

Nachdem Sie sich von Ihrem Lebensgefährten getrennt und seinen sozialen Kreis verloren haben

Es kann schwierig sein, plötzlich wieder neue Freunde finden zu müssen, wenn Sie zuvor einen Freundeskreis durch Ihren Partner hatten. Untersuchungen zeigen, dass insbesondere Männer unbeständige soziale Kreise haben, die mehr auf Aktivitäten als auf emotionaler Bindung basieren.[7] Es ist jedoch auch üblich, dass Frauen ihren sozialen Kreis verlieren, wenn sie ihren Partner verlieren. Darüber hinaus ist es besonders schwierig, andere zu erreichen, wenn Sie untröstlich oder traurig sind.

Es kann eine gute Idee sein, dich dazu zu drängen, Kontakte zu knüpfen und neue Leute kennenzulernen, auch wenn dir nicht danach ist. Das kann auch helfen, dich von deinem Ex abzulenken. Sie finden spezifische Ratschläge, wie Sie Kontakte knüpfen können, unter Kürzlich Ihren sozialen Kreis verloren.

Kapitel 4: Denkmuster, die Sie davon abhalten können, Freunde zu finden

Angst vor Zurückweisung haben

Ein Eckpfeiler, um Freundschaften zu schließen, ist es, Initiativen zu ergreifen. Das kann die Initiative sein, Nummern auszutauschen und in Kontakt zu bleiben, jemanden zu sich einzuladen, ein geselliges Beisammensein zu arrangieren oder einfach mit einem freundlichen Lächeln auf einen neuen Kollegen zuzugehen und sich vorzustellen. Die Angst vor Ablehnung kann uns jedoch davon abhalten, die Initiative zu ergreifen. Deshalb ist es ein so häufiger Grund, keine Freunde zu finden.

Es ist besonders üblich, Ablehnung zu fürchten, wenn wir in der Vergangenheit abgelehnt wurden. Wenn Sie Leuten eine SMS geschrieben und gefragt haben, ob sie sich treffen möchten, und Sie keine Antwort erhalten haben, ist es völlig normal, nicht riskieren zu wollen, dasselbe noch einmal zu erleben.

Während Ihrer Reise werden Sie Ihre sozialen Fähigkeiten aufpolieren, und vielleicht sind Sie heute schon besser als damals, als Sie das letzte Mal abgelehnt wurden. Je mehr Sie an Ihren sozialen Fähigkeiten arbeiten, desto wahrscheinlicher ist es, dass Sie sich mit anderen verbinden. Dies macht es unwahrscheinlicher, dass Sie erneut Ablehnung erfahren.

Sie können auch die Art und Weise ändern, wie Sie Ablehnung sehen. Ablehnung mag sich für Sie wie ein Versagen anfühlen, aber in Wirklichkeit ist es ein Zeichen des Erfolgs. Es ist ein Beweis dafür, dass Sie mutig genug waren, die Initiative zu ergreifen.

Der einzige Weg, niemals zurückgewiesen zu werden, besteht darin, niemals ein Risiko im Leben einzugehen. Jeder erfährt Ablehnung. Sozial erfolgreiche Menschen haben gelernt, davor keine Angst zu haben.

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With this new mindset, work on your social skills and at the same time practice taking more initiative to meeting people and keeping in touch with them.

Assuming no one will like you

“ I can’t talk to people without feeling like I’m the most annoying person on the planet. Everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong, and on top of that I’m not very interesting or beautiful enough for anyone to want to be friends with me. I don’t even know how to try and make friends since I can’t even order myself food at restaurants or answer the phone let alone approach people and try and make their acquaintance. I honestly wish I was anyone but me.”

It’s surprisingly common for people to think things like “no one will like me”. Here are some reasons we might feel this way:

Having a traumatic experience in the past that made us feel unwanted.

Having low self-esteem, causing us to use negative self-talk, such as “You’re worthless”, “Why would anyone want to be your friend”, etc.

Misinterpreting others. Here’s an example: You walk up to someone and introduce yourself, but they give only short responses and don’t make eye contact. Perhaps you think that this person doesn’t like you, when in reality, he or she is just shy and doesn’t know what to say.

If you assume that new people you meet won’t like you, that can make you come off as stand-offish, and then others will be stand-offish back. This can then reinforce your world-view that people won’t like you.

To break out of this pattern, try to be warm and friendly toward people, despite fearing that they might not like you.

Here are some ways you can be warm and friendly:

Smile and make eye contact

Ask a question or two to get to know them

If someone does something that you like, compliment them for it.

We humans tend to like those who like us. Psychologists call this reciprocal liking.[8] This means that people are more likely to like you if you show that you like them.

Remind yourself that every person you meet is a new start. They haven’t made up their mind about you yet because they don’t know you. If you dare to be friendly, more often than not, people will be friendly back.

Always challenge your internal voice. It might just be your low self-esteem painting worst-case scenarios. Assume that people will like you until proven otherwise.

Not liking people or feeling resentment toward others

Main article: “I hate people” – What to do when you don’t like people

With all the bad things that go on around in the world; shallowness, betrayal, greed, selfishness, and stupidity, it’s in a way reasonable to not like or even hate people.

It can also be annoying to hear people talk about meaningless things, and it can make us wonder if we even want to interact with anyone.

The problem is that while many people might indeed be annoying or stupid, there are always thoughtful, warm, and friendly people out there. If we’ve decided already that we don’t like anyone, we’ll never be able to find these good people or give them a chance.

Another issue is that we might be too quick to judge others if we decide that we don’t like anyone. The more you get to know someone, the more you’ll understand the logic of their actions.

If you catch yourself thinking that you don’t want to socialize because you don’t like people anyway, remind yourself that there will always be some good people out there. If you find these people and befriend them, you will get a more rich and fulfilling life. Using the tools in this guide, you’ll find them more easily.

The article continues below. Learn how to get past shallow small-talk Get past awkward small talk and form meaningful connections. Take our quiz to get started. Start the quiz

It helps to go to the right venues. If you are analytical and introverted, you’ll have more success finding your people at a chess club or philosophy meetup. If you care strongly about the climate, you’re more likely to find like-minded people at a climate action group.

However, it isn’t enough to be at the right places. You often need to talk with someone for at least 15-20 minutes before you figure out if you have something in common. Everyone comes off as boring and uninteresting before you’ve gotten to know them – probably you, too.

That’s why it’s important to give everyone 15-20 minutes of small talk before you decide if you like them or not.

While small talk can seem meaningless, it has an important function: It allows us to quickly get a picture of someone. By asking the right questions, you can figure out what they work with, what they studied, and what’s important to them.

No matter if we like small talk or not, every single friendship starts with small talk, so you might as well make the best out of it. And small talk doesn’t have to be stupid – it can be your tool to figure out if someone’s worth turning into a friend. Read more about how to make small talk here.

Feeling like trying to make friends will be too much work or not work at all

It’s common to have thoughts like “I won’t be able to make friends in any case” or “It’s not worth spending hours talking to someone and then they never want to hang out anyway”.

While it can feel like a hopeless situation, here’s some advice.

Remind yourself that there’s nothing holding you back from making friends except of yourself. This means that you are in control of this part of your life. There’s no magic to making friends and it’s not just that some are “born with it”. It’s a skill that anyone can learn. If you feel like people don’t respond well to you, the solution is to work on your social skills. When we feel lonely it’s easy to be overwhelmed with negative emotions: Resentment, anger, sadness, hopelessness. We might blame others, our life situation, or almost feel cursed. No matter how strong these emotions are, remind yourself that working on your social skills will improve your social life.

It can be helpful to break down your goals into small steps. Don’t try to change your whole life – that can make anyone feel overwhelmed. Focus on one step at the time.

Not thinking it’s fun to socialize

There are many reasons for not thinking it’s fun to socialize. Perhaps you’re an introvert, you suffer from social anxiety, or you don’t feel like you connect with people.

If you feel this way, here’s some advice:

If you’re an introvert, seek out venues where you are more likely to find other introverts. If you, for example, go to Meetup.com and look for groups close to your interests, you are more likely to meet people close to your personality.

Know that while small talk might feel meaningless, it’s a good way to figure out what you may have in common with someone. You can read more about this under Not liking people or feeling resentment toward others.

Some don’t like socializing because they feel anxious or don’t know what’s expected of them, how to act, or what to say. This drains their energy. If you can relate to this, know that socializing will become more fun the more experience you gain. Continue pushing yourself to go to social events, and work on your social skills at the same time.

The most effective way to overcome social anxiety is to expose yourself to social situations. Start gradually with what’s just medium-scary, and work your way up.

Main article: How to enjoy socializing

Having a hard time trusting people and not opening up

If someone’s betrayed you in the past, it can be hard to trust again. The problem is that trust issues keep us from letting ourselves get close to new people. To make friends, you have to let people in and get to know you.

Good news is that you don’t need to reveal your innermost secrets or make yourself vulnerable.

Practice sharing small things about how you feel and see the world, even if it makes you uncomfortable. It can be small things like “I tend to get anxious before these types of events”, or “I never really liked the Lord of the Rings movies, I’m more into sci-fi.” or “This is my favorite song. It always makes me happy”. Avoid controversial topics, but give people a glimpse of who you are. For two people to get to know each other, they need to know things about each other.

The only thing that’s more damaging than being betrayed is to decide to not trust people. It will keep you from forming close relationships.

Sometimes trust issues are deep, for example if we haven’t been able to trust our parents. In these types of cases, it can be helpful to see a therapist.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

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Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $200 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.

(To receive your $200 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)

Here’s some valuable advice on how to deal with trust issues.

Feeling like you don’t fit on or that you are different

If you feel like you don’t fit in, remind yourself that there are people out there just like you. You just need to find them.

Seek out interest groups related to what you’re into. If you live in a small town and your social life is suffering because of that, consider moving somewhere else.

Practice your social skills. It takes good social skills to be able to get to know people and figure out that you actually do have things in common.

Sometimes, however, feeling like people don’t get you can be a sign of depression.

Here’s more on how to find like-minded people.

Chapter 5. Common mistakes that make it hard to make friends

Up to this point, we’ve talked about underlying reasons and life situations that make it hard to make friends. However, we might also have a bad habit that comes between us and future friendships. While it can be painful to think about ways we can improve, it can make a massive difference to your social life.

Not having trained your empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand how others feel. Understanding other’s thoughts, needs, worries, and dreams is extremely important to make friends. In fact, studies show that people who score high on empathy tests have more friends.[12]

You can train your empathy by…

Being curious about strangers – Ask them questions to learn more about them and listen attentively.

– Ask them questions to learn more about them and listen attentively. Keep an open mind – If you notice that you judge someone, see if you can try to understand them instead.

– If you notice that you judge someone, see if you can try to understand them instead. Think about how others feel – If someone gets interrupted, ridiculed, disagreed with or teased, focus on what emotions you think that person might feel. Or, you can look at people you come across in day to day life and try to guess what feelings they might feel.

– If someone gets interrupted, ridiculed, disagreed with or teased, focus on what emotions you think that person might feel. Or, you can look at people you come across in day to day life and try to guess what feelings they might feel. Trying to see things from the other person’s perspective – What are some explanations for other people’s actions (beyond them being “stupid”, “ignorant”, etc.)

– What are some explanations for other people’s actions (beyond them being “stupid”, “ignorant”, etc.) Turning the tables – If what happened to another person would have happened to you, how would that make you feel?

People with social anxiety usually have high levels of empathy.[13] In fact, one of the reasons for having social anxiety is being too concerned with what people think. Someone with social anxiety might not have friends because they hold themselves back from meeting people, rather than lacking empathy.

Not knowing what to say or not feeling like talking to people

Sometimes, it can feel impossible to know what you’re supposed to talk about. However, we have to make small talk for people to get to know us and feel comfortable around us.

All friendships start with small talk. Practice starting conversations with people, even if you don’t feel like it.

You want to use small talk as a tool to paint a picture of someone and share a little about yourself. Then, you want to be able to move on to more interesting topics so that you can start bonding.

I provide several tips for how to do this in the article how to make conversation.

Mainly talking about yourself or things that interest you, or mainly asking questions

We tend to bond faster when we have back-and-forth conversations: we share a little about ourselves, then listen attentively to the other person, then share a little more, and so on.[9]

Going back and forth like this makes everyone feel engaged.

Only asking questions can make the other person feel interrogated, and at the same time, they don’t get to know you. On the flip side, only talking about you quickly makes people tire.

If you’ve spent several minutes talking about what you are interested in, or spent several minutes talking about the other person, switch it up.

Aim for this balance between sharing about you, then asking questions, and listening attentively.

If you tend to talk a lot about yourself, it can be helpful to sometimes ask yourself “Is what I’m talking about interesting to the other person?” One way to make the other person feel more engaged is to ask what their take is on the subject, listen attentively to their answer, and ask follow-up questions about that answer.

Not keeping in touch with people you meet

If you’ve come across a person you get along with, how do you keep in touch and turn that person into a close friend?

Make it a habit to ask for the number whenever you come across someone you enjoyed talking to. You can say something like “I enjoyed our conversation. What about trading numbers so that we can keep in touch?”.

It can feel awkward and too intimate to ask someone you just met to meet up with you one on one. Rather, make sure to invite the person whenever you’re going to some social event that might be relevant to them.

If you for example know two people who are both as interested in history as you are, you can ask both of them if they want to meet up together over a coffee and talk about history.

Being a people pleaser and going too far to make someone like you

Some are so concerned with making others happy, that they hide their real selves. Being a people-pleaser can signal a desperate need for acceptance, and that makes someone less likable.

Friendship is a two-way street. Don’t do what only pleases others. Don’t do what only pleases you. Do what you think is right for both of you.

Here’s a good way to think about it: Don’t pick the movie you think the other person will like the most. Don’t pick the movie you think you’ll like the most. Pick the movie you think that both will like.

Not looking approachable

No matter what your intent is, people won’t dare to interact with you if you look tense, annoyed, or angry. This is a common problem since we tend to tense up especially if we feel uncomfortable around others.

If you can relate to this, practice easing up your face and having a friendly facial expression. Avoid crossing your arms – this can also make you look reserved.

See our article on how to be more approachable to learn more about effective body language.

Being too negative

It’s human to sometimes feel negative about things or about life in general. However, being too negative causes most people to tire.

Avoid…

Complaining

Telling stories about something bad that happened

Bad-mouthing people

While everyone has the right to bring up something negative occasionally, it will likely hurt your relationships if you are usually negative. Sometimes, we may not even be aware of how negative we are.

You can check if this is you by thinking about your ratio of positive and negative comments. You want the positives to far outweigh the negatives. This doesn’t mean that you need to fake positivity – just that you want to save people around you from too much negativity.

This is not the same thing as forcing yourself to be positive or not allowing yourself to have negative thoughts. The point is to talk less about the negatives in life when communicating with people.

Lacking self-awareness

Perhaps your family and friends have dropped hints about issues in your behavior that you can’t see or don’t agree with. It could be that they’re wrong, or it could be that they see something you don’t.

Self-awareness helps us see ourselves from a more objective perspective. Here’s an exercise you can do: Think back to when someone raised an issue about your behavior.

It could be things like “You don’t listen”, “You talk a lot about yourself” or “You are rude”.

It’s natural to come up with examples that disprove their point. Can you also come up with examples that do prove their point? If not, great. Perhaps it was just something they said with no grounds. However, if you can agree with them, that’s even better – now you have a concrete thing that you can work on.

This type of for and against thinking will help you paint a more realistic picture of your behavior. Thinking about our “faults” is painful, but rewarding.

Chapter 6: Having friends that don’t feel like real friends

What if you technically have friends, but don’t feel like you can trust them when you need them? This chapter is for you who can make friends with relative ease – but then they either aren’t there for you, give up on you, betray you, or hurt you.

See our main guide on having friends but not having close friends.

While there may be many reasons for friends not being there for you, we are going to focus on the things that you can do something about.

Perhaps you have ended up in a group of toxic friends. It can help to polish up on your social skills and practice meeting people. This way, you have more alternatives for who to be with.

If it’s a pattern in your life that you feel like you can’t count on your friends, perhaps you ask too much of them. You can expect your friends to help you out every once in a while, but you can’t expect them to always be your mental support.

Evaluate if you’re having a bad habit that might make people tire. While this is a painful exercise, it can be helpful to improve your social life.

You might also be interested to read our article “Is it normal to not have a best friend?”

Be self-critical

If one or two friends give up on you or hurt you, the issue is likely theirs. Perhaps something happened in their lives, or maybe they are selfish or even sociopaths. But if it’s a pattern in your life that people ghost you after a while or hurt you, it might be something that you do.

This is not as bad as it may sound. I’m not saying that people don’t like you – I’m saying that you might do something that people may not like. This is a big difference because it means that you can work on changing that particular habit, and you will see an incredible upswing in your social life.

For tips on things that tire people out, read the previous chapter Common mistakes that make it hard to make friends. These same mistakes also tend to tire people out later in the friendship.

We’ll cover some additional common mistakes below that tend to be a problem especially later into a friendship.

Using your friends as therapists

When life gets tough, it’s completely normal to want to talk to friends about it. Talking about a challenge occasionally is fine and can even help them get to know you better. However, using your friends as therapists will wear on them. They might have the best of intentions, but if they’ve been your mental support for a long time, they might prefer someone who is less emotionally taxing to be with. This is a harsh reality, but it’s still the reality.

If you are able to go to a real therapist, you could do that instead. If not, see if you can limit how often you talk to your friends about things that are emotionally taxing. You can also try online therapy.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $200 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.

(To receive your $200 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)

Being too clingy

Some of us are too stand-offish, others are too attached.

Clingy friends tend to need a lot of validation and can have unsaid expectations or rules that are easy to break, which then causes tension in the friendship.

If you find that you do this, remember that friendship requires both people to be equally invested in the time you spend together.

If you find yourself pushing for more than your friend can give, then try contacting your friend a bit less. Focus more on getting to know other people to cover your social needs. Don’t stop keeping in touch with your friend completely. You want to find a balance where you both feel comfortable.

Not being flexible or accommodating

Perhaps last-minute changes rattle you. Let’s say that the plan was to go to the movies or on a road trip, but now that’s off. The new plan may not be better or worse, just different. If you don’t like that because you were ready for “A,” not “B.”, it can be relevant to practice becoming more easy-going in these types of situations.

You can try changing your default switch to ‘Why not?’. Give yourself a chance to adapt. It could be good. It could even be better. Let yourself think about the possibilities and the big picture if you say “OK.”

Having a low threshold for what you consider to be toxic behavior

“99% of my friends have been rude to me or bitched behind my back.”

There will always be individuals who are toxic, egoistic, and rude. However, if you feel like you constantly meet this type of person, you want to evaluate if you might misinterpret others’ actions.

Here are some examples:

If someone cancels your meeting at the last minute and blames work, they might be rude or selfish. But another explanation could be that they are truly overworked or have personal reasons for canceling.

If someone stops keeping in touch with you, they might be egoistic or self-serving. But it could also be that they are busy, or that there’s something in your behavior that simply makes it more rewarding to them to be with other friends.

If someone complains about something that you do, they might be abusive or ignorant. But it could also be that they have a point and say something that can help you be a better friend.

In all these examples, it’s hard to know what the truth is, but it’s worth evaluating all possibilities.

Chapter 7: Making new friends

Tips on how to make new friends

Main article: How to make friends.

Up to this point, we’ve been talking about life situations, underlying factors, and common mistakes that make it hard to make friends. But how do you actually make new friends, step by step? People often meet new friends through the existing ones. So you have to use different strategies to make friends when you have none.

Below is a list of some quick pointers. The main article goes into detail about each of these steps and more.

Go to places where you meet people regularly – It could be a social job, classes, volunteering, a co-working place, or meetups.

– It could be a social job, classes, volunteering, a co-working place, or meetups. Say yes to invitations – Take every initiative to socialize, even if you don’t feel like it.

– Take every initiative to socialize, even if you don’t feel like it. Remind yourself of the value of small talk – While small talk can feel meaningless, remind yourself that every friendship started with small talk.

– While small talk can feel meaningless, remind yourself that every friendship started with small talk. Be friendly – For people to like you, you have to show that you like them. Use open body language, ask friendly questions, be curious.

– For people to like you, you have to show that you like them. Use open body language, ask friendly questions, be curious. Be curious about people – This helps you figure out if you may have something in common. When you find commonalities, it’s more natural to keep in touch.

– This helps you figure out if you may have something in common. When you find commonalities, it’s more natural to keep in touch. Dare to open up – It’s not true that people only want to talk about themselves. They also want to get to know who you are. How else will they know if it’s someone they want to befriend?

– It’s not true that people only want to talk about themselves. They also want to get to know who you are. How else will they know if it’s someone they want to befriend? Don’t write people off too soon – Few people come off as interesting the first few minutes you talk. Try to get to know people before you decide if they’re interesting or not.

– Few people come off as interesting the first few minutes you talk. Try to get to know people before you decide if they’re interesting or not. Take initiatives – Text people and ask if they want to meet, walk up to groups, and make small talk. Taking initiative is usually scary as you might get rejected. But if you don’t take initiatives, you won’t be able to make friends.

How long does it take to make a friend?

To make friends with someone, we need to spend a lot of time with that person.

According to one study, people spend hundreds of hours with someone before they see that person as a “good friend”, and many hours more to be considered a “best friend”.[14]

Here’s how many hours you need to spend together to become friends:[14]

Casual friend: 50 hours of time spent together

Friend: 90 hours of time spent together

Good friend: 200 hours of time spent together

This explains why it’s so hard to make friends with someone we just meet at a meetup once. It’s easier if you have a reason for keeping in touch and meeting regularly. This is why classes and regular meetups are good venues.

It’s also good to take any opportunity to spend time together with people: Make sure to accept invitations and do things together with other people as often as possible.

Is it OK to have no friends?

No matter what people tell you, it’s completely OK to have no friends. It’s your life and you decide how you want to live it. Many people don’t have any friends.

Don’t try to make friends in an attempt to fit into others’ expectations of you. Only try to make friends if you believe that it will make you happier. While it’s completely your choice how you want to live your life, know that most of us tend to feel lonely if we don’t have any friends. So while it’s OK to not have friends, most people would say that you need friends to live a fulfilling life.

Why we need friends

Recent studies have found that friends aren’t just nice to have, but that loneliness can even shorten our life expectancy. One study found that feeling lonely is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.[1]

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Scientists believe that friends have been important for survival throughout human history:

Individuals with tight friend groups had better support and protection than those who were lonely.[2] Much like feeling hungry is meant to motivate us to eat (so that we stay healthy) feeling lonely is likely meant to motivate us to seek out friends (so that they can keep us safe).[3]

The take-away is that it’s natural to experience loneliness. Loneliness can be incredibly painful. But there’s a silver lining: It can give us the motivation we need to eventually succeed in getting great, like-minded friends we can truly rely on. More in our article “I’m so lonely” – how to deal with loneliness.

QUESTION: I have a problem that has lasted my whole life: I have no friends. Well, let me repeat that: I don’t have any friends who keep in touch without my making all the effort, and even then it’s spotty. I am 35 years old.

A little history in case it applies to my current problem: I had a very close best friend in middle school, but she dumped me, which was really hard. Then, in high school and college, I had some best friends that I abruptly dumped over the smallest thing that I’ve since realized was due to trust issues, which I’ve now worked through.

So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends that I’ve known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me, but if I email and get everyone to meet up, we have fun. But then nothing. And I hear from them that they’ve teamed up now. I don’t get it – what’s wrong with me?

I chat around the neighborhood, make meals for the new moms, etc., but then nothing. And the other mothers come together without me. I have cousins ​​who are really awesome, we have fun when we’re together – but they never call or ask me to be with me. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships worries me and makes me think I’m doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and I make every effort to ask people about their lives when I have conversations. My therapist has said there’s nothing wrong with always being the one to initiate a meeting, but then I see others who have a close group of friends who come together and are really supportive of each other and I wonder why not me?

I am an only child and I feel very alone at times. Sometimes I’m okay with not having friends. But all in all, I wish it were different.

Signed,

amanda

Hello Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you’re feeling like an outcast. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships aren’t “holding on” and not being picked up by others, but the problem seems to be more of a pattern than a one-off event – and something you’d like to change.

Can you identify your specific problem(s) yourself? Here are some of the reasons people struggle to have close reciprocal relationships with friends:

Temperament. Are you shy and uncomfortable around others? It can also make people around you feel uncomfortable.

Uncertainty. Do you feel like you can’t keep up with the people you want as friends? can you trust other people These can be barriers that create distance between you and others.

preference. are you an introvert When it comes down to it, do you actually prefer to be alone than to spend time with friends? Do you think people know that when they’re around you? Or are you exceptionally sociable – so busy making lots of acquaintances that you can’t make close friends?

Psychological problems. Have you had trouble forming intimate relationships with others in the past? Do you feel uncomfortable when people know the real you?

lack of experience. Regardless of age, some people lack the skills to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles. Do you live in an area where it is particularly difficult to connect with others? This can include living in a rural location where few people live, or living in a place where you feel like an outsider due to frequent moves in the past.

disabilities. Unfortunately, due to stigma, people avoid people with intellectual or physical disabilities.

Personality. Is there something about you that annoys others? are you needy Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you extremely independent and want to control everything about what, when and where? Sometimes a person’s behavior is a bit off-putting and that person lacks awareness of the problem.

way of communicating. Do you take up offers from your friends and get in touch? Can you be reached online or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred means of communication?

time management problems. Do you find it difficult to juggle all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you think making time for friends is selfish or frivolous?

unrealistic expectations. Have you tricked your friends into believing that you will always be in charge of the organization? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a great way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be a spouse, sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, this list may be a useful starting point for exploring different options with your therapist. I agree that given the scenario you have described and your desire for more mutual friendships, something is wrong.

Hope this is helpful.

Best regards,

Irene

To find a therapist, please visit Psychology Today’s Therapy Directory.

It’s no secret that making friends after 30 can be difficult for many. According to a 2016 study by Finnish scientists, the number of friends you make after 25 years decreases drastically. And it’s certainly not uncommon to lose many of the friends you made as a young adult as your interests change and people’s lives take different directions. Career and family often become the focus of our lives, making it difficult to nurture new relationships and expand social circles in adulthood.

But just because it’s hard to make friends after 30 doesn’t mean it’s impossible. While a 2020 study found that more than 3 in 5 Americans consider themselves lonely and cited a lack of social support and meaningful interactions as the main cause, it certainly doesn’t have to be that way. Maintaining a friendship is an investment of your time. Yes, it can actually take up to 50 hours with someone before you consider someone a casual friend, and up to 200 hours before you likely consider someone a close friend. However, according to experts, there are ways to speed up the process.

“Vulnerability can speed it up. Speaking affirmations, seeking support, and finding support are great ways to build friendships,” Marisa D. Franco, Ph.D., a psychologist and friendship expert, told Woman’s Day.

dr Franco says if someone asks how you’re doing, be honest about what’s going on instead of just saying you’re fine. You will not forget those who support you in moments of need and vice versa, she explains. And while it can be difficult to open up and make yourself vulnerable in the pursuit of friendship, Franco says it all depends on your mindset. If you automatically assume people are trustworthy and like you, set yourself up for success as you nurture and nurture a friendship. After all, most people cheer you on and hope you succeed.

Yes, it might be harder to make new friends now than it was in the days of shared premieres and scheduled play dates, but the following women are proof that making friends after 30 isn’t impossible, and for many, those friendships can last eternally.

Share on Pinterest We include products that we think our readers will find useful. If you make a purchase through links on this site, we may receive a small commission. Here is our process. Social norms and cues, such as For example, knowing when to say hello or giving people personal space will help you navigate social situations. You may have been taught some of these norms directly. You may have noticed others by observing others. If you witness someone fumbling with one of these norms, you might internally flinch and feel ashamed of the other person. Likewise, screwing up an introduction to someone new or making a mistake with your words is likely to turn your stomach. But social awkwardness doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it might even benefit you in some ways. But that doesn’t make it any less stressful at the moment. Here’s a look at signs of social awkwardness, tips to overcome it, and reasons why it might not be so negative.

How do I know if I’m socially awkward? Social awkwardness is not a mental health problem – there are no diagnostic criteria or even a concrete definition. Rather, it is a feeling or a collection of feelings and experiences that form a pattern in your life. These feelings and experiences often result from: Failure to heed certain social cues

misunderstanding or not noticing the body language of others Heidi McKenzie, PsyD, explains that socially awkward people may have trouble navigating conversations or working their way into a group. As a result, they may come across as a bit “off” to others. It can be difficult to recognize social awkwardness in yourself because you may not even be aware of some social cues that you are not aware of. Instead, you may simply notice that you don’t fit in with your peers

Is it bad? Social awkwardness in itself isn’t a bad thing. But it can become problematic when it causes stress due to unkind remarks

spend a lot of time wondering if you did something wrong

often have problems in social situations

They want to make friends but have trouble connecting with others

feeling rejected by others In a perfect world, everyone would realize that people are unique and have different abilities. But in reality this does not always happen. This can be difficult to deal with. But that doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. Social situations may not be your forte, but there are things you can do to minimize your stress in these situations (more on that later).

Does it serve any purpose? Before we dive into strategies for overcoming social awkwardness, it’s important to understand that there are some benefits to being social awkward. Internal Alert System When you find yourself in an awkward situation, you may think something like, “This isn’t what I had in mind.” You may feel a little uncomfortable or uncomfortable and have an urge to get away as soon as possible . But a small 2012 study suggests that these same feelings can help, acting as a kind of warning system. They help you recognize when you’ve approached (or crossed) a social boundary. As a result, you may experience physical symptoms of anxiety, panic or fear including: Muscle tightness

flushed face

pounding heart

nausea

Hyperventilation This probably doesn’t sound beneficial at all. But this discomfort can motivate you: act in the moment

Be careful not to overlook similar social cues in the future. Deep Conversational Skills If you struggle with small talk and routine social interactions, that doesn’t mean you’re not a good conversationalist. Mackenzie notes that people dealing with social awkwardness “struggle with small talk, but are often great at diving deep into topics they’re passionate about.” Unique Perspectives Psychologist Ty Tashiro notes in his book Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome that socially awkward people tend to see the world around them in different ways. You may be less likely to notice social cues or perceive emotions, but feel more driven to systematic or scientific approaches. This unique perspective could be due to differences in the brain — differences that Tashiro says are sometimes linked to high intelligence and achievement. “People’s clumsy minds make them scientists because they are good at seeing details, spotting patterns in those details, and approaching problems in a systematic way,” he writes.

How can I be more comfortable in social situations? Social awkwardness can have its benefits, but you might notice some downsides as well. Maybe you often feel out of place or like you’re missing something. Or maybe you sometimes do or say things that make you uncomfortable at home, at school, or at work. These tips can help you better manage social situations and deal with the consequences that inevitable slip-ups bring. Dive Deep Spending a little time learning about social awkwardness might help you better accept that part of yourself. Not sure where to start? Visit your library or bookstore. There are a number of books on the subject that offer interesting research into what social awkwardness is and isn’t, along with helpful guidance. Suggested Reading Some to consider: Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome by Ty Tashiro

Improve your social skills by Daniel Wendler

Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness by Melissa Dahl Remember, awkward situations happen to everyone. Social awkwardness probably happens more than you think. Although there are no statistics to back this up, it’s a pretty safe bet that most of the people you meet in your daily life have experienced awkward moments themselves. Suppose you drop all the groceries you were carrying around in the middle of the supermarket. A jar of pasta sauce shatters, eggs smash and cherry tomatoes roll out of their carton and down the aisle. Every fiber in your body is screaming inside, telling you to quit your groceries and run out the door. But remember: you are definitely not the first person to do this in this particular business. You’re not the last either. And everyone who turned? You’ve probably been there in some form before. Face the embarrassment head-on When faced with an embarrassing moment, whether you’ve made a social mistake or just seen someone else’s, you typically respond in one of two ways: avoid or ignore what happened

Fix the mistake The small study discussed earlier concluded that avoiding or ignoring an uncomfortable situation does not help. Instead, this tends to prolong the awkwardness and make future interactions even more awkward. The next time you realize you’ve done something uncomfortable, instead of backing down, try acknowledging it with a casual remark or joke. This is a tip you can also share if you want to help someone else feel better about an awkward moment. Try a smile or a friendly remark like, “Don’t worry about it! It happens to everyone.” Practice Interacting with Others When you have trouble in social situations, you may find it helpful to practice conversation and communication skills with someone you know and trust. Communication involves things like knowing how to start a conversation

know when a call is over

gently change the subject

knowing when to intervene and how to avoid interrupting someone Good communication also involves being able to read another person’s body language. This can help you spot cues like discomfort, boredom, interest, etc. You can practice interacting with others by: Taking social skills classes

Ask friends or other people you trust for advice and suggestions

Play through practice scenarios with friends or family

Engaging More in Social Situations Pro Tip Worried about practicing your social skills in front of people you might see again? Consider running your practice outside of your usual locations. For example, you could try striking up a quick conversation with the cashier at a grocery store you never go to, or taking your dog to a park across town. Try to stay present Mindfulness techniques help you pay more attention to what is happening in the here and now. Being more mindful about your day allows you to focus on your present surroundings. This can help reduce awkward moments in two ways: When you’re more attuned to what’s happening around you, you’re less likely to miss cues from others that might warn you of a potential mishap, such as: B. Venting frustrations at a co-worker who’s coming after you.

Raising your awareness of the present moment can help you avoid thinking too much about uncomfortable moments that have already happened. Instead, you may find it easier to let her go and move on.

When to Seek Help Again, there’s nothing wrong with social awkwardness. But it’s important to pay attention to how it feels. If you’re feeling unhappy, distressed, or lonely in your daily life, you should consider speaking to a therapist who can help you explore the causes of these feelings. They can also help you develop new social skills and sharpen your self-identity. A therapist can also help you identify underlying issues that might play a role, such as: B. Social Anxiety. McKenzie explains that while some people use the terms “social awkwardness” and “social anxiety” interchangeably, they are two different things. “People with social anxiety tend to have average to above average social skills,” she says. “You may feel like everyone at the cocktail party thinks you’re ‘weird,’ but chances are, other people will resonate with you.” This fear can make you withdraw from certain social situations, or simply withdraw you avoid altogether.

More than a year on from the COVID-19 pandemic, and amid the rollout of vaccines in the US and the gradual lifting of restrictions, many people are not only asking, “How soon can life go back to normal?” They’re also thinking, “What is when I no longer have the social skills to deal with things that used to be easy?”

Those who were already feeling socially awkward before the pandemic, like those with social anxiety, could be stuck in a fight-or-flight response. Life has been a cozy bubble tucked away in an isolated cocoon for over a year, but that bubble is about to burst. The thought can be terrifying for some.

Common questions for both groups include:

How do we relearn how to talk to people and deal with the social awkwardness that can result from a year of isolation?

What can we do to practice social skills, feel more comfortable and enjoy social situations again?

How can we, in a healthy way, deal with the anxiety that will be inevitable when we return to “normal” life?

effects of isolation

Research with isolated populations such as soldiers, astronauts and prisoners tells us that social skills can atrophy, as can muscles that are not used. If you’re isolated from other people for any length of time, you’ll end up feeling uncomfortable, socially anxious, and unable to endure what used to feel mundane.

This is not a mental disorder; Rather, it is a collective experience of the isolated and affects everyone who has had less social contact due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Evolution has created in humans a need for social contact because it helps us survive, much like our need for food and water. Without the support of ancient social systems, most people would fall prey to the elements, predators, etc.

Although things aren’t quite like that these days, most people still have a biological instinct to join a social network. Even the most socially anxious or introverted person is likely to want to socialize, even though it can be difficult at times.

This means that being denied our social needs can have consequences for our mental, emotional, and physical health.

This can also be the case if you have been isolated in the company of family members or another close-knit group. You don’t experience the social network you might have had before, such as B. Meeting people at the gym, talking to co-workers, or making casual small talk with strangers.

This loneliness leads to real effects: feeling angry, tired, irritable, or sad. Even if you don’t consciously acknowledge that you’re “lonely,” these other emotional responses can be signs that you’ve been isolated for too long.

signs of social clumsiness

Are you unsure if you’ve developed social awkwardness simply because you haven’t been around people for so long? These potential signs of social awkwardness are particularly relevant after being isolated due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Not being able to understand or behave in subtle aspects of social situations

Feeling of having become overly sensitive or overly alert

Overreacting to things that don’t seem to bother others

Doing things that seem inappropriate (e.g. sharing excessively during a conversation)

Wanting to be with other people, but then finding it difficult to actually spend time with them

Misinterpreting the intentions of others (e.g., thinking someone doesn’t like you or is angry at you based on the facial expression)

Feel more confident than usual

Avoid doing things you used to enjoy, like phone calls or meeting up for activities

Finding excuses to do things, like saying you’re too tired

Favor one-on-one activities over social activities (e.g., choosing to watch Netflix over taking a friend’s call)

How to train social skills

If you’re concerned that your social skills have permanently declined, take heart. Just because things are tough right now doesn’t mean they’re going to feel this way forever.

This contrasts with the pain of social interaction previously felt by those with social anxiety, who felt like they were a fish out of water; that everyone else had figured out this thing that seemed almost impossible to them.

The good news is that many people are experiencing exactly the same things as you are right now. This means that our social awkwardness is a collective experience that we can identify with and feel sorry for as we go through it together.

The truth is that some people are better off when they re-enter society than others. What are the defining factors that determine who gets their social butterfly wings back (or grow them if you never had them) and who falters, fails, and feels downright stupid?

If you’re interested in practicing your social skills, here’s what you can try:

Keep communicating with other people, even when it feels uncomfortable (e.g. make time every day to email or make a phone call).

Accept being awkward instead of fighting it by mentioning the elephant in the room

Joke about the situation (e.g., during a conversation at the water cooler, say something like “Long time no see” as a joke)

Practice your listening comprehension by asking open-ended questions and paying attention to what is being said

Start with situations that make you feel safer (e.g. people you used to know well)

Practice for a limited amount of time first (e.g. don’t rush into a weekend trip with a group of strangers at first)

Make it most important to be kind as everyone feels a certain level of awkwardness and could use your support and lightheartedness

How to practice compassion

As you prepare to rejoin society and practice your social skills, it’s also important to keep in mind the value of self-compassion and compassion for others.

Most people probably feel at least a little scared at the thought of going back to normal life, so it’s important to treat everyone kindly and give them a little more leeway than you normally would when someone isn’t behaving like you would expect it from him.

At the same time, it is also important to show yourself the same compassion. If you’re not sure how to do this, these tips may help you get started.

Realize that your social boundaries have shifted (e.g. you can no longer tolerate house guests for weeks on end, whereas in the past it would not have bothered you).

Acknowledge that it’s okay to not have enough social energy for what you need to do, and take breaks

Realize that some aspects of your old life may not have been ideal and it’s okay to let them go (eg.

Avoid taking on too many social tasks at once as your ability to complete them will be limited

Set limits for other people so they know what you can handle

Don’t make assumptions about what other people are comfortable with

Have empathy for yourself and other people when things are uncomfortable at first

When COVID concerns make things uncomfortable

Aside from our social skills being a little rusty, there’s also the problem that security concerns have also made social interactions more awkward than they used to be.

What do you do when a stranger approaches you for a handshake and you are not quite comfortable with the physical contact? Or what if you’re invited to a gathering and don’t know who has been vaccinated and who hasn’t? Or how about the political minefield of whether masks are still important or whether events should take place at all?

In general, there is an overarching question: How should we act now? If this is one of the reasons for your newfound social awkwardness, below are some tips to help you manage the issues that can arise due to social distancing fears and concerns.

Be sure to have conversations about social distancing, even if they feel awkward. It’s better to understand what’s happening at an event than to arrive and be surprised that other people are handling things differently than you.

. It’s better to understand what’s happening at an event than to arrive and be surprised that other people are handling things differently than you. Be aware that some of your previous social routines may change permanently as a result of the pandemic. Make sure you tell other people so they can understand. For example, if you prefer Zoom to face-to-face meetings for logistical reasons, it’s okay to say so. COVID has changed many of our social norms and there is no reason to go back to the old way when the new way actually works better.

. Make sure you tell other people so they can understand. For example, if you prefer Zoom to face-to-face meetings for logistical reasons, it’s okay to say so. COVID has changed many of our social norms and there is no reason to go back to the old way when the new way actually works better. Make suggestions or negotiate if you are not comfortable. It’s been a tumultuous year and many people have felt divided over their political opinions or beliefs about social distancing. If someone has different views than you, offer a compromise instead of reacting negatively. Make suggestions that you’re comfortable with to see if you can reach an agreement.

Dealing with anxiety due to social awkwardness

If you experience a little (or a lot) of social anxiety because of your social awkwardness, this feeling is perfectly normal and will likely go away as you reintegrate into society. However, if you find that your social anxiety is not going away and is only getting worse, then it could be that you have developed a deeper mental health problem.

Below are some suggestions for dealing with newfound or worsening social anxiety due to the perception that you have become socially awkward.

If you are avoiding and experiencing severe anxiety that affects your daily life, you should probably seek the help of a professional.

Mild or moderate social anxiety can be relieved by gradually facing the things that make you afraid until you feel more comfortable.

Practice coping strategies when you find yourself in difficult situations, such as For example, deep breathing, repeating positive affirmations or coping statements, or setting a time limit before apologizing.

Meditation and mindfulness can help when you find that your problem is mostly worries that overwhelm you and make it difficult for you to think about anything else.

Journaling can be a great way to identify underlying emotions or triggers as you go about your day. Write freely each day about how you were feeling and how things were going. Look for patterns in your thoughts and feelings and try to identify triggers that are making you feel worse so you can prepare to deal with them the next time you encounter them.

Take Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast In this episode of The Verywell Mind podcast, hosted by Editor-in-Chief and Therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, learn how to build mental toughness post-pandemic.

Now follow: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

A word from Verywell

If social distancing and isolation has caused you to feel socially uncomfortable and have poor social skills, it’s important to realize you’re not alone. In fact, there’s never been a better time in history to work on improving your social skills – pretty much everyone is experiencing the same thing!

This means we can all expect more compassion and understanding than we may have had before. Especially if you were already suffering from social anxiety before the pandemic, this is a good time to start working on improving social skills you may never have had.

Finally, show a lot of compassion because you are dealing with many unknowns. Interacting with people has taken a whole new level of confusion due to social distancing protocols, so it’s natural there will be awkward moments. Embrace them for what they are and try not to get attached to them. This will help you make progress instead of taking a step back.

Humans are by nature social beings. However, the ability to interact effectively with others does not come easily to all people. While most people have experienced social awkwardness at some point, to have done so consistently is an extraordinary thing. For those curious about this unique type of psychological misfire, below is an overview of the social awkwardness phenomenon.

What is social awkwardness?

Social awkwardness, explains researcher Joshua Clegg, is the feeling we experience when we believe that our desire to be accepted by others is threatened in a particular situation. This feeling causes us to turn inward, increase our self-control, and try to behave in ways that improve our chances of acceptance.

Socially Awkward: Symptoms

People who are consistently socially awkward share certain traits, explains Dr. Ty Tashiro. Socially awkward people:

Disregard petty social expectations

Find everyday social situations difficult to navigate

Can have an unusually intense focus, particularly on subjects governed by rules, such as logic or mathematics

Often show enthusiasm for taking things apart, examining the components, and then methodically putting the pieces together in different ways

Are less intuitive when it comes to social graces

Social awkwardness may be uncomfortable, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, Tashiro explains. With increased focus comes certain systematic thinking skills. In fact, socially awkward individuals often excel in specialized areas and bring a unique perspective to their work and life.

Another characteristic of social awkwardness is how often it is mischaracterized as other personality traits or mental illness. Understanding these differences is key to ensuring individuals receive the understanding and support they need to be successful.

Social Anxiety vs. Social Awkwardness

While social awkwardness can describe an alternative way of life, social anxiety is a defined medical condition that can cause severe social impairment. According to the Social Anxiety Institute, social anxiety disorder (SAD) describes an intense, recurrent emotional state of stress in social situations. Individuals with SAD may fear:

to be introduced to others

teasing or criticism

Be the center of attention

Being observed while doing something

meet authority figures

Social encounters, especially with those they don’t know

Public speaking, even in small groups

Interpersonal relationships

In these situations, those suffering from SAD may experience physiological symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating, tremors, difficulty swallowing, or other reactions. While individuals who are socially awkward may or may not address their awkwardness, those with SAD suffer from a disorder that often requires treatment.

Introversion vs. Social Awkwardness

Social awkwardness can also be confused with the personality trait of introversion. First described by psychoanalyst Carl Jung, introversion and extraversion are opposing psychological preferences that describe how people focus and gather their energy, explains the Myers & Briggs Foundation. While extroverts look outward, introverts look inward.

Introverts are often seen as “thoughtful” or “reserved.” They get their energy from interacting with their own thoughts and ideas, and often take time to think before deciding to act. They prefer to know a few people well rather than a multitude of individuals and are generally comfortable being alone.

Quiet Revolution’s Ellen Hendriksen says that introversion, like social awkwardness, is a personality trait rather than a disorder. Those who are introverts are not necessarily unaware of social norms — nor do they fear them. Rather, they simply prefer their own company to that of others.

Autism vs. Social Awkwardness

Autism is another condition that is often confused with social awkwardness, although it’s true that the two conditions share similarities. Like those who are socially awkward, people with autism have trouble understanding social norms, cannot navigate social situations effectively, and can exhibit a remarkably intense focus on specific issues.

However, autism is also a broad disorder that manifests itself through a spectrum of symptoms. According to the National Autism Association, additional signs of autism can include:

Difficulty regulating emotions

Avoid eye contact, especially if you are young

Repetitive behaviors

Avoiding or resisting physical contact

communication difficulties

Getting excited about small changes

Shows an intense sensitivity to stimuli

Additionally, the extent to which autism affects an individual’s life can be far broader than that of social awkwardness. For example, if someone has low-functioning autism, they also have cognitive impairments. This makes it difficult for them to complete everyday tasks (dressing, bathing, eating, etc.) unaided and often interferes with their ability to learn.

Despite this, Behavioral Scientist author Scott Barry Kaufman notes that autism is a misunderstood disorder. “We now understand what people on the autism spectrum have rather than what they lack,” says Kaufman. “And what they have is social creativity and an unconventional social style.”

Individuals with autism were once thought to be empathetic and unable to fully imagine what it means to interact socially. However, research has shown this to be false. Those with autism desire human connection, care for others, and express similar concerns about how their behavior affects others as do those without the condition.

So the difference between autism and social awkwardness seems to lie in the factors surrounding the condition. While people with autism can be socially awkward, socially awkward people don’t always have autism.

Human interaction is undoubtedly a curious and complex phenomenon. Those who want to better understand their nuances can get the education they need by getting the right degree.

Understand the world of spirit

For individuals who want to build a career based on the study of the human mind, King University’s online Bachelor of Science in Psychology degree offers an exceptional opportunity for advancement. At King University, students receive a comprehensive degree program that prepares them for positions in human services, social services, business and more. The program is designed to be completed in as little as 16 months, providing a convenient fast track to success. Online B.S. King University’s Psychology program was voted one of the best of its kind in 2017. King was also rated as one of the most affordable online colleges for psychology degrees in 2017.

After two years of pandemic life, you might find yourself at a fork in friendship, choosing between a reduced social circle and trying to make up for lost time with everyone on the outer reaches of your network. In the midst of an ongoing loneliness epidemic, people may feel renewed in their efforts to revitalize their networks due to the anxiety-provoking realization that their friend group has shrunk to an all-time minimum. However, recognizing the potential of nurturing only less intimate relationships can be empowering.

Having lots of friends has perks: Making a large number of friends in your 20s can help determine the quality of friendships you’ll have in your 30s, according to research. “People in their 20s typically want to build a large list of friends because their motive is to expand their sense of identity, and you can do that through different types of people,” says psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco, author of the upcoming Book Platonic: How the Science of Bonding Can Help You Make—and Keep Friends. According to a 2012 study, people who regularly interacted with 10 or more friends in midlife have higher levels of psychological well-being than those who had fewer than 10. We also know that maintaining friendships leads to positive life satisfaction, minimizes stress, and even contributes to better physical health.

But you don’t need dozens of rosters to enjoy the fruits of friendship. Franco says having a boyfriend yourself is a net positive. “The greatest return we get from friendship is from zero to one friend in terms of the impact it has on our mental health and well-being,” says Franco. “If you can go that deep with one person, it will be powerful and impactful, and you don’t have to have a lot of friends.”

Instead of exhausting yourself to keep in touch with everyone you’ve ever met or feeling pressured to make new friends, it’s worth considering the value of a few close confidants.

All you need is three (or four or five)

People have a limit to how many deep friendships they can maintain. In the 1990s, evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar published a study in which he claimed that humans can cognitively manage up to 150 significant social relationships (including family and friends) at any one time, colloquially known as Dunbar’s number. However, not all 150 contacts are created equal. Out of dozens of connections, five are close friendships, Dunbar found. Similarly, a 2020 study found that having three to five close friends is enough to feel fulfilled.

Achieving this level of intimacy with a person takes a significant amount of time — around 200 hours, researcher Jeffrey Hall found. Achieving that level of closeness with every person you meet would be a time-consuming and tiring task.

The ones you’ve invested the most time in — say, a childhood friend or a colleague-turned-best-friend — most likely make up the inner circle of intimate friends. “Those relationships are very resilient because you’ve invested so much in them and they’re so mutual,” says Dunbar. “They’re the ones you’ve known since you were in kindergarten and you’ve always kept in touch and even if they go to Australia and you only see them once in a blue moon, you can pick up that friendship there last time.” you stopped like nothing happened.” Dunbar describes being with these friends as shifting into “an automatic gear” because the relationship is so established.

These are the relationships where you can unabashedly be yourself. There’s no need to censor yourself or make up for the most intimate of friends, and they accept you for who you really are, at your best and at your not-so-best, says psychologist Andrea Bonior, author of Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self -Speak for good and discover the life you’ve always wanted. The friends who make you feel energetic, comfortable, restored, authentic, valued, and vulnerable—the ones who would call you right away after hearing big news—are likely the ones who hold special status. “Our deeper relationships help us feel loved for who we really are, rather than what we tell everyone we are,” says Bonior.

Thanks to social media, friendships are easily quantifiable, says Bonior, and it’s only natural to compare them. When friends from college constantly post about their seemingly jam-packed social schedules, it can create feelings of inadequacy or pressure to keep in touch with everyone you follow. However, our deepest friendships go beyond the grid. The people you spend time with offline — and the care and support you concretely give and receive — replace the curated version of your relationship. “Having 200 people say you a happy birthday online can create goodwill and a sense of belonging,” says Bonior. “It doesn’t really fit the sense of ‘Things just went really bad and I need someone to listen and I know they really care.’ That’s something that’s very profound.”

These relationships also have an element of reciprocity, says Franco. Just as your best friends cheer you up, you also take pleasure in supporting them; They initiate a hangout just as often as they do. If they’re distant because they’re going through a tough time, keep showing up for them anyway because you know they would do the same for you.

How to foster these relationships

It’s one thing to say you have friends, but it’s quite another to actually spend time with them. If you want to deepen selected friendships and elevate them to the level of close friends, you need to share time and space. Most likely, your closest friends are the ones you see regularly and do fun activities with, says Hall, a professor of communications at the University of Kansas. Being available and having the energy to put in time are big determinants of who makes it into the inner circle. A long-distance friend or someone going through a major life transition may not have the same time and space as you to maintain that deep relationship.

A consistent routine, like attending a weekly yoga class or having coffee before work, will ensure you see each other regularly, Hall says. Even something as casual as an impromptu movie night together, says Dunbar, is enough to maintain consistency. Knowing what’s going on in a person’s life from week to week or month to month helps you better connect in the moment and gives you the chance to drop in a quick message in between hangouts. “Knowing someone else’s schedule is an act of intimacy,” says Hall.

Each of your close friends can fulfill a different role in your life, says Bonior. You might talk to one friend about work, or you might confide in another for relationship advice. “There’s not going to be a single friend that covers all of those bases,” she says.

The most important thing to remember about these deep friendships, Dunbar says, is that they take effort. “It takes a lot of time,” he says. You can’t expect to have intimacy with someone without spending time with them, knowing what’s going on in their life, laughing together and sharing the hard times too.

When just a few friends aren’t enough

While there are no hard and fast rules for how many close friends a person should have, one telltale sign that you need more is when you’re feeling lonely, says Franco. “Because that’s a sign that you’re not getting as much social interaction as your body needs,” she says.

Focusing on your community can help mitigate the effects of loneliness. When you join a parent-teacher association at your child’s school or participate in activities in your apartment building, you foster a sense of belonging and connection, “even if you have a best friend who lives far from the neighborhood,” says Bonior. If you’ve just moved to a new city or are a first-time parent, use these transitional life stages or identities to determine the types of people you can relate to.

A simple and inexpensive way to boost your social life is to engage in casual conversations with acquaintances and familiar faces — other parents at your child’s soccer practice, the barista at your favorite coffee shop, a hairdresser — which has been shown to improve happiness. These low-stakes relationships can develop into close friends, but you don’t have to know someone particularly well to reap the benefits of interacting with them: research shows that people are happier and have a greater sense of belonging after chatting with an acquaintance. However, the healthiest “social diet” is one where you interact with people you know well in addition to those you don’t.

Hall agrees that there is little downside to investing heavily in a few people as long as you reach out to more than one person, since that single confidant may have other commitments or conflicts that prevent them from being there for you all the time.

If you’re feeling isolated, Hall points to studies that have found that supporting others and communicating lovingly helps combat loneliness. So if you’re thinking of sending this encouraging text to a bud you’ve lost touch with but know is going through a tough time, do it. “You benefit and grow through the process of investing in that relationship,” says Hall. “I believe we have a fundamental need to belong and to be connected, and when we meet that need through acts of service to one another, we are healthier people.”

Even Better is here to provide sound, actionable advice to help you live a better life. Do you have a question about money and work? friends, family and community; or personal growth and health? Send us your question by filling out this form. We could make a story out of this.

Meeting new people and making new friends is not easy for everyone, for some it can be a difficult and nerve-wracking experience. So it’s a normal feeling to worry about meeting new people. However, meeting new people can be very interesting; You can end up having great conversations, discovering new things and making good friends.

opportunities to meet people

You may feel nervous or anxious at first. It’s normal to think too much about how you should act, what you should say, and how people will think. Everyone feels like this sometimes.

However, it’s important to talk to someone you trust if you feel like your feelings are affecting your ability to meet new people and make new friends.

Here are some tips for meeting new people:

You can join an after school club.

Visit your local youth center.

Sign up for a program like the National Citizens Service or Duke of Edinburgh.

Accept invitations when people ask you for something—you never know who else might be around.

Go to social events where you meet new people.

Volunteering (check out your local charities or community events).

Do you get nervous when meeting new people? Here are some helpful tips for managing your nerves.

When you’re nervous, it’s easy to become speechless or say things that you think sound silly. Above all, building self-confidence and being gentle with yourself can often calm your nerves.

If you’re at an event with a lot of new people, first find the people you already know to relax a little before meeting others.

If you don’t know anyone and are a little nervous, talk to a friend on the phone to make yourself a little more comfortable.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, worried, or anxious, why not try one of our helpful apps or websites.

Smile and make eye contact

You’re more likely to be friendly to someone who smiles at you, so try it yourself. Opening yourself up to people can make them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond in a friendly way.

Start conversations

It’s a good idea to start by asking the other person something about themselves. Try not to get too personal.

When first meeting, it’s a good idea not to discuss religion, sex, politics, or death.

You could start by asking where they go to school/college, or if you’re at a party, ask someone how they know the person throwing the party.

From this starting point, you can find more things to talk about. Listen to their answers and ask follow-up questions. That’s how people know you’re interested in what they’re saying.

remember names

It’s always impressive when you can remember someone’s name after the first meeting, and helpful when you need to introduce yourself.

Tips for remembering names include:

Immediately repeat the name when meeting someone and try to use it as much as possible in conversation

Write it down or save it to your phone (if you have a discreet chance)

think of a famous person with the same name

If you forget someone’s name, don’t panic. Just be honest, admit that you don’t remember names well, and ask them to repeat it for you again.

Be yourself

If you appear relaxed and confident, chances are the person you meet will also feel more relaxed.

This article was co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt. Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching, couples counseling and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica has a bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago Technique and the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy. She also earned a Professional Life Coach certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP). This article has been viewed 326,930 times.

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To say politely to someone that you don’t want to be their friend, sit down with them and briefly explain how you’re feeling. Let her know that you appreciate her, but know that you should end the friendship without blaming or embarrassing her. You could say something like, “I enjoy spending time with you, but I’m offended by your comments and don’t want to take our friendship any further.” This can be difficult for them to understand, so give them time to to respond and show empathy for the pain they may be feeling. When you end the conversation, leave them an encouraging comment like, “I’m so glad I met you.” Read on for tips on setting boundaries and moving on after you end your friendship!

Top 5 challenges:

#1: Time.

Let’s face it, this is a bit boring. Everyone has time constraints, we all know we’re busy, there are a million apps that promise to fix that and none of them do. But we’re all here because we know that friendship matters anyway.

#2: Meet people first.

The hardest part for many of you is the simple act of figuring out how to meet someone. You’ve earned your time but aren’t sure where to go. Or you figured out where to go but can’t say what to say. Many of you have also found how difficult it is to break into an established circle of friends. And many of you have mentioned how difficult it is to overcome shyness and find the courage to speak up.

“Just meeting people can be a challenge — and sometimes it seems like everyone already has a friends group and isn’t really looking for new friends to add.” – D

“The most challenging aspect for me is the initial performance. “-T

#3: Go deeper.

Many commenters said how much they hate small talk and how difficult it can be to move on to something more meaningful after a first meeting. Shasta would describe it as moving circles, and it’s difficult to take people from acquaintances to something better. Even someone who can complete the first two challenges could be stopped here. There have been so many thoughtful and poignant comments on the subject, showing that we all spend a lot of time really thinking about it.

L says, “It’s that invisible wall that seems to stand between having friendly chats with other women and becoming real girlfriends—how does that happen?”

And J put it nicely: “Keeping a moment of friendship except going, ‘Hey, how are you?’ back and forth.”

And another L remarked: “The actual approach to making new friends is very difficult. I’ve met people who made me think, “Okay, I could very well imagine being friends with this person.” However, I never make the transition to friendship because I don’t know how.”

#4: Finding the right friend

That was an interesting category for me. Many commenters mentioned that they are looking for a specific type of friend – one that fits their own idea of ​​what they are looking for, or one that shares the right interests.

One commenter, A, summed it up well: “Finding people I like.”

That makes sense. We all want people we like, who understand where we are in life. Because we all go through struggles and we think nobody can help unless they go through the same struggle. Many commenters wrote about how challenging their own situation was and the barriers to making friends. And here’s what struck me: they were all different and often contradictory. Having a demanding job, having an odd schedule, not working at all, working as a housewife, having teenage children, having children under the age of 3, being a single mother, being single with no children, being married with no children, … all mentioned how difficult it was for her. As only goes… it’s tough for all of us. It’s really. We’re all kind of freaked out about it.

So what if, instead of looking for friends who are in the same situation, we branch out and open up? Don’t get me wrong – I know this is incredibly difficult. And I understand that it’s often a matter of practicality rather than preference. But it might be worth it. Here is what M. had to say about it:

“[I’m challenged] to make new friends with people who are different from me – like a whole lot different. They have a different culture, different approaches, different dialect… it’s been a challenge for me for so many years. I feel like I’m not “clicking”…but this year I’m committed to being more open and welcoming.”

To sum up…

#5: Fear.

Time aside (although we could argue for it), this one sums up all of the above challenges. They are all afraid of being judged, not being enough or being too much. That’s why I found #4 particularly tragic. We all look for a certain type of friend and tell ourselves that those who don’t fit our categories aren’t good enough for us, while we fear internally that we’re not good enough for other people’s categories.

“When I open up to new people, I feel vulnerable to the judgment of others.” -A

“Being vulnerable and wondering ‘are they going to like me?'” – p

“Reach out. Initiate. Propose a meeting and have the other person say no or cancel. Rejection in all its many forms.” -C

“I feel like I’m too much. Be fully accepted. I feel like I’m letting others down.” -A

First, let’s all take a moment to congratulate ourselves for admitting this stuff. Well done!

Now that we’ve done that, congratulations for being here and wanting to do something to address these challenges. It won’t happen right away, but the more we reach out, send an invite, risk chatting with someone new, or overcome our shyness to be a little vulnerable, the better off we’ll be at it.

Because if I’ve learned anything from reading those 750 comments, it’s that these challenges aren’t that unique after all.

Meeting new people and making new friends is not easy for everyone, for some it can be a difficult and nerve-wracking experience. So it’s a normal feeling to worry about meeting new people. However, meeting new people can be very interesting; You can end up having great conversations, discovering new things and making good friends.

opportunities to meet people

You may feel nervous or anxious at first. It’s normal to think too much about how you should act, what you should say, and how people will think. Everyone feels like this sometimes.

However, it’s important to talk to someone you trust if you feel like your feelings are affecting your ability to meet new people and make new friends.

Here are some tips for meeting new people:

You can join an after school club.

Visit your local youth center.

Sign up for a program like the National Citizens Service or Duke of Edinburgh.

Accept invitations when people ask you for something—you never know who else might be around.

Go to social events where you meet new people.

Volunteering (check out your local charities or community events).

Do you get nervous when meeting new people? Here are some helpful tips for managing your nerves.

When you’re nervous, it’s easy to become speechless or say things that you think sound silly. Above all, building self-confidence and being gentle with yourself can often calm your nerves.

If you’re at an event with a lot of new people, first find the people you already know to relax a little before meeting others.

If you don’t know anyone and are a little nervous, talk to a friend on the phone to make yourself a little more comfortable.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, worried, or anxious, why not try one of our helpful apps or websites.

Smile and make eye contact

You’re more likely to be friendly to someone who smiles at you, so try it yourself. Opening yourself up to people can make them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond in a friendly way.

Start conversations

It’s a good idea to start by asking the other person something about themselves. Try not to get too personal.

When first meeting, it’s a good idea not to discuss religion, sex, politics, or death.

You could start by asking where they go to school/college, or if you’re at a party, ask someone how they know the person throwing the party.

From this starting point, you can find more things to talk about. Listen to their answers and ask follow-up questions. That’s how people know you’re interested in what they’re saying.

remember names

It’s always impressive when you can remember someone’s name after the first meeting, and helpful when you need to introduce yourself.

Tips for remembering names include:

Immediately repeat the name when meeting someone and try to use it as much as possible in conversation

Write it down or save it to your phone (if you have a discreet chance)

think of a famous person with the same name

If you forget someone’s name, don’t panic. Just be honest, admit that you don’t remember names well, and ask them to repeat it for you again.

Be yourself

If you appear relaxed and confident, chances are the person you meet will also feel more relaxed.