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I Have a Confession to Make…
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The 77+ Best Confession Jokes – UPJOKE
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bre tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.
Source: upjoke.com
Date Published: 7/13/2021
View: 107
I have a confession to make… : r/Jokes – Reddit
When laughter meets percussion To pay respects. Boldly go where we haven’t been in a long, long time. 11
Source: www.reddit.com
Date Published: 8/9/2021
View: 4983
89+ Confession Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud
A man went to confession. “Forgive me, father”, he cried. “During WWII I had someone in hing in my attic.” “Well, that is not a sin?” Sa the priest
Source: jokojokes.com
Date Published: 8/22/2022
View: 2037
I have a confession to make – Best Clean Funny Jokes
I have a confession to make – It’s hard to tell which is worse – the sin of vanity, or the truth? … The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and sa, “Bless me …
Source: bestcleanfunnyjokes.com
Date Published: 5/16/2022
View: 6771
The 15+ Best Confession Jokes – Worst Jokes Ever
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says “doctor I have a confession”. The doctor asks “what is that?” She replies, “I’ve been using steros and…I think …
Source: worstjokesever.com
Date Published: 5/16/2021
View: 5221
Confession Jokes – Religious Jokes – Jokes4us.com
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” “Tell all of your sins, my daughter.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven …
Source: www.jokes4us.com
Date Published: 7/13/2022
View: 7870
Deadly Confession – Joke | Funny – Pinterest
I have a confession to make. I’ve been feeling … Deadly Confession – Joke | Funny Feeling Betrayed, Figure It Out, Confessions, Funny. humourfunnylol.
Source: www.pinterest.com
Date Published: 11/25/2021
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Best 574 Confession Jokes and Puns – BestJokeHub.com
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been …
Source: bestjokehub.com
Date Published: 2/7/2021
View: 252
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
If you are looking for I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap. answer then this is the right … The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Source: dadjokes.org
Date Published: 8/28/2022
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The 77+ Best Confession Jokes
The Blowjob Confession.
A Catholic is waiting for confession in a nearly empty church when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he needs to go to the bathroom and asks if he can take over.
There is a Hail Mary and Our Father cheat sheet for each of the sins, and all he has to do is read…read on
I have a confession to make… : Jokes
The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes are posted every day, and some of them aren’t even reposts!
89+ Confession Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud
Take the time to read these word games and riddles where you ask a question with answers or where setup is the punchline. We hope you find these Catholic confession puns fun enough to tell and make people laugh.
Following is our collection of funny confession jokes. There are some confession my confession jokes that nobody knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Top 10 funniest confession jokes and puns
A man went to confession. “Forgive me, father,” he cried. “During World War II I hid someone in my attic.”
“Well, that’s not a sin?” said the priest
“No, I know that,” said the man, “but I made him pay rent.”
“That’s not right, but your life was in danger, so be forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. But could I ask you one more question?”
“Of course, my son.”
“Do you think I should tell him the war is over?” 👍🏼
What does a Catholic do before confession? He’s sinning, obviously. 👍🏼
Drunk in the confessional. A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional, sits down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the priest bangs on the wall three times.
The drunk mumbles: “There’s no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!” 👍🏼
Local Congregation The chief priest of a certain church was away during the day, so he asked the deacon to confess for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person to come says, “Forgive me, I just gave a guy head.” He says, “You have sinned.”
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that said penalties for certain sins, but it didn’t say blow job, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The acolyte replied, “Oh, about five dollars.” 👍🏼
Joey, the altar boy, goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I was dating an easygoing girl.
“And who was the girl you were with?”
‘I can’t tell you that, father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
“Well, I’m sure I’ll find out her name sooner or later, so you might as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
‘I can not say.’
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
‘I won’t tell.’
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
‘I’m sorry but I can’t name her.’
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
‘My lips are sealed.’
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo then?”
‘Please father, I can’t tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight-lipped and I admire that. But you have sinned and must atone. You can’t be an altar boy for 4 months now. Now go and behave.”
Joey walks back to his bench and his friend Franco scoots over and whispers, “What did you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good tips.” 👍🏼
Why didn’t anyone believe the transsexual’s confession? It was a case of “he said she said” 👍🏼
A man goes to church to make a confession… A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.
“Can you see it. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for a place to hide.
The priest says, “Don’t worry, young man. you have sinned You were young and lustful and God will forgive you.”
“Good,” said the man. “But I have one more question. Do you think I should tell her the war is over?” 👍🏼
Irishman at confession An Irishman goes to the confessional after years away from the church. There is a full bar with Guinness on tap. Against the far wall is a dazzling selection of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the pastor comes in. “Father, forgive me, I haven’t been to confession for a very long time, but I have to admit that the confessional is much more welcoming than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out. You are on my side.” 👍🏼
Both Golf “Darling, I have a confession to make,” one man said to his bride. “I’m a golf freak. You never see me on the weekends during the golf season.”
“Well, darling,” she murmured. “I have a confession to make too. I’m a whore.”
“No big deal,” the groom replied. “Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!” 👍🏼
A detective is in a room questioning a suspect. After a while he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there: “Well, I asked him pretty much every question in the book. ‘Where were you last? night?’, ‘What were you doing?’, ‘Who were you with?’, everything.”
The sergeant asks, “Did you get a confession from him?”
The detective says, “Not quite. He always says ‘Yes, honey’ and dozes off.” 👍🏼
Confession A Jew goes into a confessional. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I am seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I am currently in a relationship with a 28 year old girl and incidentally her 19 year old sister. We engage in all kinds of pleasures, and in all my life I have never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you are in the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy says, “I’ll tell everyone!” 👍🏼
You can explore confessions drunk confession reddit one liners including jokes and gags. Read them and you will understand which jokes are funny? Those of you who have teenagers can tell them clean confession code dad jokes. There are also confession word games for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Heaven between your legs A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
“Mother, today I have experienced the joys of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates of heaven between my legs. Then he told me he had the key to heaven and put it in the gates.”
“Why this lying ba***rd!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he’s been telling me it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I blew it!” 👍🏼
A joke told by a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college to the student body in front of a group of nuns How a man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest says, “What have you done, my son?”
“I’m 72 and I just had sex with two 25-year-olds,” he claimed.
“Are you kidding?!” said the priest. “You can not. 100 Hail Marys and 1000 runs around the church. Is that your first confession, by the way?”
“Yes, I’ve never been to a confession. I’m Jewish.”
“If you are Jewish, why are you telling me this?” asked the priest.
“I tell everyone” 👍🏼
A priest hears the confession when a woman confesses that she gave a head… The priest doesn’t know what a head is, but he thinks that it is bad for her to confess it, so he gives her an Ave Mary and an Our Father.
Later that day, the priest is reflecting on his day in the parish garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get that ‘head’ out of his head, so he asks the nun, ‘Sister, can I ask you something?
“Same thing in town dad $20” 👍🏼
Confession Matthew walks into a confessional and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I was with a loose woman.”
The priest says, “Is that you Matthew?”
“Yes father, it’s me.”
“Who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to tarnish your reputation.”
The priest asks, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“No father.”
“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”
“No father.”
“Was it Ann Brown?”
“No father, I can’t tell you.”
The priest says, “I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.”
Matthew walks back to his bench and his buddy Sean scoots over and asks, “What did you get?” Matthew replies, “I have five Lord’s Prayer, four Hail Marys, and three good pointers.” 👍🏼
So this amputee hadn’t told his fiancée about his condition… and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights off, he gathers his courage.
“Darling, I have a confession to make.”
“What’s wrong dear?”
Instead of answering, he simply takes his bride’s hand and places it on his leg stump.
“Spring!” She exclaims, “That’s a surprise! But I’ll get the Vaseline and see what I can do.” 👍🏼
A doctor goes to confession… “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest replies, “Tell me your sins, my child.”
The doctor says: “I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, let alone unethical. Since it happened I can hardly sleep and have no appetite. I feel so guilty.”
The priest comforts him by saying, “You must learn to forgive yourself.”
The man replies, “But how can I? How can I come back from this sin?”
The priest says, “You are not the first doctor to sleep with a patient, and you will not be the last.”
The man nods in agreement as the priest acquits him. As they leave the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, “I hate to ask, but since you’re a doctor, think you could look at my neck, it’s been sore for days.”
The man replies, “I’d love to be a father, but I’m not that kind of doctor. I’m a veterinarian.” 👍🏼
An old man makes the confession: “Father, I’ve been faithful all my life, but last night I met two beautiful blonde 21-year-old girls and I slept with them, twice each!”
“Well, when was the last time you went to confession?”
“Oh, never father, I’m a Jew!”
“Well, why are you telling me then?”
“Are you kidding? I’ll tell everyone!!” 👍🏼
The confession. A guy walks into a confessional and tells the priest that he met 4 Swedish stewardesses in the pub last night, went back to their seat, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.
The pastor says: “That’s terrible my son, what kind of Catholic are you?
Guy says “I’m not a Catholic”
The priest says, “Why are you telling me all this?”
Guy says, “I’ll tell everyone.” 👍🏼
a man goes to confession after 25 years So the man enters the confessional for the first time in his adult life and has only bad memories from his childhood.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices some bare Playboy calendars on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he’s like, “Wow, this place has really improved over the years.”
But then the priest opens the door and yells: “Get out! this is my place!” 👍🏼
A man walks into a church confessional… “Father, I have a confession to make; I had a threesome with two hot teachers.”
“Well my son, we all have our transgressions. I want you to say 10 Hail Marys.”
“Father, I can’t do that, I’m a Jew!”
“Then why are you telling me this?”
“Father, I tell EVERYONE” 👍🏼
Confession A man goes into a confessional and sits down
“Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time.”
“It’s terrible,” says the priest. “Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?”
“Married? no Actually, I’m not Catholic at all, I just had to tell someone!” 👍🏼
A Catholic boy says during confession: “Bless me father, I have sinned, I have masturbated while thinking
about my sister.”
“That’s a shame,” said the priest, “especially when you
I have two beautiful brothers.” 👍🏼
Confessions of a newlywed. On the first night of their honeymoon, the man isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his smelly feet and smelly socks, while the woman wonders how to break the news to him about her horrible breath, which so far she’s been able to cover up .
After some back and forth, the husband gets his nerve and says: I have a confession.
She comes closer, looks him in the eye and says, darling, so do I.
He flinches and says, Don’t tell me – you ate my socks. 👍🏼
Confession A drunk man staggers into a Catholic church, sits in a confessional booth and says nothing. The confused priest coughs to get his attention, but the man still doesn’t say anything. The priest then knocks on the wall three times to get the man to talk. Finally the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, theres no too not paper in this one too.” 👍🏼
A man goes to confession in church…. A man goes to confession in church………
Man: Hello father, my five year old son is very naughty.
He got all the female servants pregnant.
Dad: Incredulous, and how on earth did he do that???
Man: He took a needle and punched holes in all my condoms
Pre- 👍🏼
A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife’s side of the bed. The box contained two ears of corn and $4,000. He went to his wife
Farmer: what is that?
Woman: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks, “50 years of marriage… only twice… that’s not so bad.
Bauer: What about the $4,000?
Woman: Whenever I got a bushel, I sold it. 👍🏼
A 90-year-old man goes to confession… He says, “Forgive me Father, I have sinned.
The father says, “Oh sir, when was the last time you went to confession?”
He says: “I have never confessed to my father, I am a Jew.”
The father says: “Are you a Jew?
He says, “Well, I’ll tell *everyone*.” 👍🏼
Adultery An old man made his confession and said to the priest: Father, I am 81 years old, married, have six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and I was in love with two 18 year old girls. Twice.
I understand, said the priest. When was the last time you went to confession?
Never, father, replied the old man. I am Jewish
why are you telling me
I tell everyone! 👍🏼
A boy goes to confession … The boy says to the priest: “Father, I am afraid I have been with a licentious girl.”
“Hmm ok son, what was the girl’s name?”
“Oh, I can’t say that.”
“Was it Mary Jane?”
“No father.”
“Adalina Mozartelli?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“How about Cindy King”
“I can never tell.”
“Oh come on boy I’ll find out soon enough. It was Tina King, wasn’t it?”
“No.”
“But it has to be Tracy Cummings!”
“Father, I will never tell you.”
“Okay, fine, but you can’t be four months old boy for your sin.”
“okay father”
The boy leaves and his friend asks, “So what did you get?”
The boy replies: “Five good tips and four months vacation!” 👍🏼
A mathematician goes to a confessional… He says to the priest: “Father, I have a sin to confess”
The priest says, “Don’t worry, tell me and the Lord will see if he can forgive you.”
The mathematician says: ‘I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent ones to calculate cos.’ 👍🏼
Dear father, I have sinned A man goes into the confessional and says
‘Dear father, I sinned, I slept with mother and daughter at the same time.’
And the priest says, “Thank you, son, may I ask how long ago your last confession was?”
“I’ve never been to a confession, I’m a Jew”
So the priest asks, “Then why are you telling me?”
‘Because I tell everyone’. 👍🏼
A nun goes to confession…. A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years”.
The priest replies, “No problem, my dear, just say 5 Ave Mary’s and do some cartwheels on the way out.” 👍🏼
An old man goes to confession.. An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He goes to confession, sits down and says: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned and I want to confess”. The priest says: “Now, my child, what are your sins?”. The old man replies, “During the war, I hid a young Jewess from the Nazis to receive sexual favors.” The priest, although surprised, says: “It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman, despite the immoral exchange.” “I understand that father,” says the old man, “but do you think I should tell her the war is over?”.
Courtesy of my father! 👍🏼
A woman goes to confession, tells the priest that she has deviant sexual thoughts… She says that she cannot help these sexual thoughts and does not know what to do. It got so bad that she even stopped wearing panties. The priest says, “Okay, my child. I want you to do 10 Hail Marys 5 our fathers and 43 chariot wheels.” 👍🏼
A man wakes up next to a woman in bed and she was already awake. She tells him “I have a confession to make, I was a Christian once”
The guy, still half asleep, says, “Oh, that’s okay baby, I’ve never been one to really care.”
“Oh good,” she replies, “I’d rather be a Christine anyway.” 👍🏼
I was in the confessional today and asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating. He said: Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop. 👍🏼
On Sunday I went to church and then confessed. You should have heard what people told me I had a lot of Lord’s Prayers to give out. 👍🏼
A dying man lies in bed with his wife next to him. As he lay, he turned and looked at his wife and said, “My dear wife, I have a confession to make.”
“It is not necessary.” she said
“No,” the man replied. “I have to tell you before I die.”
“If you must.” She said.
“Not only have I slept with you, but also with your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter and many other women.” He told her.
His wife, not upset, turned to him and said:
“I know. Now rest and let the poison do its work.” 👍🏼
The boy goes to confession and tells the priest that he was dating a girl with loose morals. “This is a grave sin,” says the priest. “Tell me: Was it Mary O’Hara?”
“No, father.”
“Was it Kate Dannaher?”
“No, father.”
“Was it Kathleen McGonigle?”
“No, father. I don’t want to say who it was.”
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend who asks him, “How did it go?”
He replies, “Well, I have ten Hail Marys, five Lord’s Prayer… and three great clues.” 👍🏼
An elderly man comes to confession and says… Father, I am 80 years old, married with four children and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I’ve slept with both of them…twice.
The pastor said: Well, my son, when was the last time you went to confession?
Never a father… I’m Jewish.
Then why are you telling me?
I tell everyone! 👍🏼
A newly married couple undress in the bedroom on their honeymoon night A newly married couple undress in the bedroom on their honeymoon night as she says.
“Honey, now that we’re married I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you ok with that?”
He replies: “Of course I’m darling, we hadn’t met before and to be honest it turns me on so tell me more
She says “Well my name used to be Brian and I used to play for St Helens” 👍🏼
My wife asked me why I never go to confession. I told her I just delete my browsing history if I want to wash away my sins. 👍🏼
Why did the poorly made shoe go to confession? Because it had a bad sole 👍🏼
Confession: I’ve groped women… …a few times. 👍🏼
The Elderly Man in Church An elderly man goes to church, goes to the confessional and says to the pastor, “Father, I am 80 years old, married, have four children and eleven grandchildren, and last night I and I had an affair slept with two 18-year-old girls. Both. Twice.”
The pastor said, *”Well, my son, when was the last time you went to confession?”*
“Never father, I’m Jewish.”
*”Then why are you telling me?”*
“I tell everyone.” 👍🏼
I once knew a Colombian conductor. He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and said in his confession he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never thought he was capable of something like this, but I have to admit he had a locomotive. 👍🏼
An artist went to confession… …where he admitted to cheating his clients about his shades.
The priest said to him, “Repaint, repaint and thin no more.” 👍🏼
“Father, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I cheated on my wife with two 18 year old girls.” “Okay. When you get home, squeeze 18 lemons and drink it all at once.”
“And that will free me from my sin?”
“No, but it will take that dirty smile off your face.” 👍🏼
A Pole sends his daughter to study abroad. She comes back and says, “Father, I have a confession. I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is!”
Polish dad buries his face in his hands and says, “Oh honey, that can’t be true!” He looks at her and says, “Are you sure it’s yours?” 👍🏼
Why did the black person go to confession? Because he wanted to know what it’s like to talk to a father 👍🏼
A man comes into the confessional… “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I can’t stop listening to the Barenaked ladies.”
“How long has it been since your last confession?”
“It was…” 👍🏼
When I was a little boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so I could sue him… But he just told me to stop hounding the pastor. 👍🏼
Admission: Every once in a while I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby’s old comedy albums. Call it a guilty pleasure. 👍🏼
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church. Man: Father, I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning on the sofa and she was wearing a short dress, she looked so sexy I couldn’t contain myself. I went behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her uncontrollably from behind.
Priest: oh no no they don’t like that kind of behavior is heaven.
Man: No, they don’t like Walmart either. 👍🏼
My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, “Buddy, I have a confession to make you. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We were at a party, she drank beer, I drank wine. One thing led to another…” I turned to my friend in shock. “Tell me he’s lying.”
She said, “That’s him, it wasn’t beer, it was cider.” 👍🏼
I have a confession to make… I’m addicted to the hokie pokie…
But it’s ok, I turned around.
And that’s what it’s really about. 👍🏼
Father forgive me for it’s been a long time since I went to confession, A man walked into a confessional and
Discovered a full bar with beers on
Faucet and a wall decorated with an iridescent array
of the best Cuban cigars. As the priest
walked into the room said the man father
forgive me because it’s been a long time
I was at confession, but I have to say this
Confessional is much more welcoming than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. you are up
my page. 👍🏼
An Irish girl confesses to her father that she is a prostitute. At first he gets stupidly angry, starts yelling at her how could she betray him, calling her all sorts of names including Soup Taker. She looks confused and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her father stares at her for a moment, then hugs her and weeps tears of relief. Then he says, “I thought you said you were a Protestant!” 👍🏼
An Irishman attends the local church and enters the confessional. The priest is waiting for his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence, the priest bangs on the partition. A voice from the other side yells: “There’s no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!” 👍🏼
A man is in the confessional. Father – he says – I have sinned.
what have you done my child replies the priest.
I raped a child while backbiting and cursing.
Yes, no wonder they never stay still. 👍🏼
A Confession Hey folks, in the midst of these important jokes, I want to clarify two very important points
. .
Thank you 👍🏼
A young catholic boy goes to his first confession A young catholic boy goes to his first confession.
When the boy goes into the alcove, he asks the priest: “What are you doing, father?”
The priest replies: It’s called masturbation, and soon you will.”
The boy asks: “Why do you say that father?”
Priest: “Because my hand is getting tired. 👍🏼
A teenage girl goes to confession and tells the priest that she is pregnant with the Second Coming. Of course, the priest is furious at the implied blasphemy.
“How dare you? This is blasphemy. Explain yourself. How do you know you are pregnant with the second coming?” he thundered.
I… I… I… I swallowed the first one. 👍🏼
How did the Catholic cowboy greet his priest to confession? Hello, sorry! 👍🏼
What do the Germans call a confession made with a gun to the head? A Glock and match 👍🏼
A man goes to confession… The priest says: Tell me son, why are you here?
Well, father, during the war I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest replies in amazement, “Well my son, that is quite a noble deed of which the lord would be proud, why are you here at confession?”
Well, dad, I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
That’s not right son, we should help others without asking anything in return, that’s the true Christian way, the priest replied.
The man replied: Well, in that case should I tell you that the war is over? 👍🏼
So a group of boys were in a sex ed class, and by sex ed class I mean a Catholic confessional with a priest. 👍🏼
CONFESSIONS OVER TIME 100 years ago: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
Today: “Sorry daddy, I was a bad boy.
No matter the year, you’re still getting fat. 👍🏼
I’m so pale… I’m so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, “Hey, look! Frosty is on a diet!”
I’m so pale that when I was working at the ice cream shop and I was giving a kid his cone of vanilla, he started licking my hand.
I’m so pale my house is listed as haunted. It was built last year!
I’m so pale that the priest told me to eat a clove of garlic when I went to confession. 👍🏼
An old man goes to confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and happily married to the love of my life for 60 years but last night I cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins.”
The pastor asks how long it has been since his last confession.
“I’ve never been to confession. I’m Jewish.”
“Then why are you telling me this?” asks the pastor.
The old man replies, “I tell EVERYONE!” 👍🏼
4 nuns Four nuns stand in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me father, I saw a naked man.
Priest: Go and wash your eyes with holy water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me Father, I touched a naked man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in holy water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to nun 3): Can I go before you?
Nun 3 (answers to nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I won’t gargle the holy water after you wash your butt in it. 👍🏼
Irish Confession Murphy enters the confessional after years of being away from the church.
He pulls the curtain aside, enters and sits down.
There is a full bar with crystal glasses, the finest Sacristy wine, draft Guinness, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a nice photograph of various women who seem to have misplaced their clothes.
He hears a priest enter. Father, forgive me, I think it’s been a while since I went to confession, and to be sure, I have to say that the confessional is a lot better than it used to be.
The priest replies: Go away, you idiot. You are on my side! 👍🏼
Forgive me father for I have sinned A teenager goes to confession. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I had premarital sex.
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O’Toole?
I won’t say her name. I don’t want her in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I won’t say who it was.
Er verlässt den Beichtstuhl und sein Freund fragt: Was hast du bekommen?
Zehn Ave Maria, fünf Vaterunser und drei gute Hinweise. 👍🏼
Ein Mädchen betritt den Beichtstuhl in einer Kirche… …autsch! 👍🏼
Ein Mann war schon lange nicht mehr in der Kirche und beschließt, dass er besser zur Beichte gehen sollte, bevor er wieder geht. Als er den Beichtstuhl betritt, stellt er erstaunt fest, dass es eine Bar mit feinsten Whiskys und einer riesigen Auswahl feinster Zigarren gibt. Während er das verwundert betrachtet, kommt der Priester herein.
Der Mann sagt, Vater, vergib mir, meine letzte Beichte ist lange her. Ich muss aber sagen, dass der Beichtstuhl viel besser ist als früher.
Der Pfarrer sagt: Verschwinde, du Idiot. Du bist auf meiner Seite. 👍🏼
Ich habe ein Geständnis. In letzter Zeit habe ich alle Rollstuhlrampen in der Stadt geschmiert. Ich habe so sehr versucht aufzuhören, aber wenn man einmal anfängt, ist es ein wirklich rutschiger Abhang… 👍🏼
Paul aß gerade mit seiner Familie zu Abend, als plötzlich seine ältere Tochter vom Stuhl aufstand und sagte: „Ich muss ein Geständnis ablegen. Ich bin lesbisch.“ Paul lächelt und sagt: „Glückwunsch. Ich werde dich trotzdem lieben.“
Plötzlich sagt seine jüngere Tochter: “Papa, ich bin auch lesbisch.”
Paul ruft widerwillig aus: “Mag niemand in dieser Familie Schwänze?”
Sein Sohn sagt: “Ich tue es.” 👍🏼
Ein Betrunkener taumelt in eine katholische Kirche. Er betritt einen Beichtstuhl und setzt sich, sagt aber nichts. Der Priester hustet ein paar Mal, um seine Aufmerksamkeit zu erregen, aber der Betrunkene sitzt einfach da. Schließlich hämmert der Priester dreimal gegen die Wand. Der Betrunkene schreit: “Klopfen bringt nichts! Auf dieser Seite ist auch kein Papier!” 👍🏼
Ein Mann ging (wieder) zur Beichte. „Vergib mir, Vater“, sagte er. “Während des Zweiten Weltkriegs hatte ich jemanden auf meinem Dachboden versteckt.”
“Nun, das ist keine Sünde”, sagte der Priester
“Nein, das weiß ich”, sagte der Mann, “aber ich habe ihn gezwungen, Miete zu zahlen.”
“Das ist überhaupt nicht richtig, aber Ihr Leben war auf dem Spiel, also sei Ihnen vergeben.”
“Danke, Vater. Aber darf ich Ihnen noch eine Frage stellen?”
“Natürlich kannst du.”
“Meinst du, ich soll ihm sagen, dass der Krieg vorbei ist?” 👍🏼
Ein Ire geht in den Beichtstuhl… Ein Ire geht in den Beichtstuhl, nachdem er jahrelang von der Kirche getrennt war.
Es gibt eine voll ausgestattete Bar mit Guinness vom Fass.
An der anderen Wand befindet sich eine schillernde Auswahl feinster Zigarren und Pralinen.
Dann kommt der Pfarrer herein.
“Vater, verzeihen Sie mir, ich war schon sehr lange nicht mehr beichten, aber ich muss zunächst zugeben, dass der Beichtstuhl viel einladender ist als früher.”
Der Priester antwortet: “Raus. Du bist auf meiner Seite.” 👍🏼
Drei Chamäleons kommen in eine Bar. Das erste sieht den anderen in die Augen und sagt, ich habe ein Geständnis abzulegen…
Der zweite, der die Tränen zurückhält, antwortet, dass du dich mit jemand anderem triffst? 👍🏼
In einem Beichtstuhl… ICH: Ich habe alle sieben Todsünden in 30 Minuten begangen.
Priester: Wow, das muss ich hören.
ICH: Ich war wütend und neidisch auf meinen Nachbarn, also habe ich seine Frau faul verführt und all seine Einkäufe gegessen und nicht geteilt.
PRIESTER: Du hast den Stolz vergessen.
ME: Nein, ich bin ziemlich stolz darauf. 👍🏼
Teenager Zwei Teenager gehen zur Beichte. In der Kabine gibt der erste Junge zu, Sex mit einem Mädchen gehabt zu haben, weigert sich aber, sie beim Namen zu nennen. Der Priester fragt: “Es war nicht Mary Jones, oder?” Der Junge sagt: „Nein, Vater, das war es nicht“. Der Priester fragt: „War es Angela Brown?“. Der Junge antwortet: „Nein, Vater. es war nicht. ‘Es war nicht zufällig Jane Carter?’ Der Junge sagt: “Nein, Vater, das war es nicht.” Der Priester gibt auf und sagt: “Nun, für deine Buße sag fünfzig Ave Maria und lass die Hälfte deines Taschengeldes in der Armenkiste.” Als der Junge geht, fragt ihn sein Freund, wie es gelaufen ist. Er antwortet: “Nicht schlecht, eine Geldstrafe von 5 $ und drei großartige Hinweise!” 👍🏼
A man way lying on his deathbed when he decided to make a confession to his wife Man: I have to tell you the truth, I cheated on you with your best friend
Wife: I have to be honest with you too, I already know – that’s why I poisoned you 👍🏼
A woman goes to confession… The priest says to her “For the last time Becky it’s forgive me father for I have sinned.” “Not punish me daddy I’ve been a bad girl.” 👍🏼
The woman comes to the priest for confession – Father, I have sinned. I cheated on my husband.
– I understand. For penance, go around the church as many times as you cheated on him.
– On foot? 👍🏼
A young priest was taking his first confession… An older priest was monitoring the confession and after it was over he said, “My son, can you say, ‘tsk, tsk, tsk”?
The young priest was a little confused. “Yes, I can say, ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’. Why do you ask, Father?”
The older priest replied, “Because, ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’ is infinitely better than, ‘NO SHIT???'”
(This is my wife’s favorite joke.) 👍🏼
Pi Day confession: I have an obsession with pi. I know, I know… it’s irrational. 👍🏼
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