No One Compares To My Ex? Top Answer Update

6 reasons why you should NEVER compare your relationships

“I wish my husband was like my ex. He was so much more loving!”

“If my wife were _____ I would never get bored in bed.”

If these feelings sound familiar, your relationship may be on the fast track to disaster!

There’s an old saying that goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” That phrase has been around for decades, and with good reason. The moment you start comparing your partner to another relationship is the moment you decide to be unhappy.

Your spouse is not your ex and he is not your friend’s husband or wife. They are unique, with their own experiences and beliefs.

Stop comparing your spouse to someone else and start looking at their positive qualities and loving them for who they are.

Here are 6 reasons why the urge to compare is killing you.

It is not fair

Think of your two favorite foods. Maybe you like pizza and also love roasted broccoli.

Broccoli and pizza are two very different food groups, but you love them both.

The same applies to your current partner. They may not have the same qualities as your last partner, but that doesn’t mean you should love them any less. They are both great in different ways!

It’s not fair to compare your partner to someone else.

You shouldn’t get serious with someone if your only intention is to change them.

It will make you bitter

Here’s some solid relationship advice for couples: If all you can think about is how your ex did X, Y, and Z for you and you wish your new spouse was like that, you’ve got a serious problem!

You and your ex are not together for a specific reason. As the old saying goes, “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.”

When you wish for your spouse to be like an ex (or like a partner from someone else’s relationship), you become bitter about the love your partner is showing. In the end, only an unhappy feeling remains.

You will start resenting your spouse for who they are not instead of loving them for what they are, which is seriously dangerous territory.

It raises unrealistic expectations

In the right circumstances, it can be easy to get caught up in the past and start comparing your spouse to someone you loved before, but be warned that this could mean the end of your happy relationship.

The moment you start comparing your relationship to your boyfriend’s marriage or an ex is the same moment you decide to be unhappy. Why? Because it raises unrealistic expectations of your partner.

We all wish we could take the best parts of every relationship we’ve been in and mold it into the perfect partner, but that’s Frankenstein Science! These unrealistic expectations will only end up making you miserable, so it’s best to avoid them altogether.

It makes your spouse feel worthless

Can you imagine the marital therapy you would need if your spouse came up to you and said, “I wish you were more like my ex?” They were more adventurous in the bedroom” or “My girlfriend’s boyfriend seems so much more loving than you. Can’t you be more like her?”

Chances are you would feel worthless and unappreciated by your spouse, and that’s exactly how your partner will feel when you start comparing them to others.

Even if your spouse started taking on traits from someone else, it would not be a copy of your past experience, as no two relationships are the same. You can’t expect your new partner’s love to feel like someone else’s because every relationship is its own unique experience.

You’re missing out on the good

The more you choose to look at your spouse’s downfalls, the more unhappy you will be in your relationship.

Instead of focusing on what you would like to change in your relationship, look at your partner’s appealing qualities. You may not be as affectionate as your former partner, but what does she do that drives you crazy?

Make a list of how they show affection and write down what they do, what makes you smile, or what qualities they have that you admire.

Creating a physical checklist will help you remember all of the wonderful reasons you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

It shows no respect for your new love

A great relationship is all about respect. It means that you show honor or esteem to your partner. They are polite about their boundaries and appreciate their positive qualities.

If you compare your spouse to someone else, you are showing no respect for what a great person they are. Comparisons can be a bit selfish because you’re only thinking about what your partner can do for you instead of considering the great aspects of your relationship, like what good friends you are or how well you communicate.

What to do if you can’t stop comparing your spouse

If you’re stuck in a spousal comparison loop, a marriage therapist can help. Your counselor can help you get to the bottom of what is causing you to hold your partner to someone else’s standard.

A marriage therapist can also provide couples with solid relationship advice on building intimacy and strengthening their communication and conflict resolution skills.

If you’re struggling with your spouse, a marriage therapist can help provide couples with solid relationship advice. Marriage therapy can help even the most frustrated couples find love again. A counselor can teach you and your spouse how to communicate, build trust, and find joy in your relationship again.

About the Author Rachael Pace Rachael is a well-known author currently associated with Marriage.com. She offers inspiration, support and empowerment in the form of her motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the forms of loving partnerships that are evolving today and is passionate about writing about all types of romantic connections. She believes everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work together to overcome their challenges.

Key word: jealousy

Whenever you start dating someone, you can’t help but compare them to your ex — for both the good and the bad. “He’s not that funny,” “she has a jealous streak,” “he’s probably another scammer,” “she doesn’t get along with my family either”…etc. Not only does this hurt your chances of finding a satisfying, lifelong relationship, but those of your date as well.

So today we bring you seven tips on how to break this bad habit:

1. What was it really like when you were with your ex?

There were probably moments that proved the person you dated wasn’t your be-all and end-all — but you just didn’t want to see them. It’s like 500 Days of Summer when Tom’s younger sister tells him to look back on their now-defunct relationship. Taking a step back, he sees things very differently than when he grabbed Summer’s hand at the record store and she pulled it away. When you stop riding that love rush, you get a new perspective. Try to think objectively about the relationship you had with your ex and be honest with yourself.

2. Take the time you need to heal

You may already be inclined to compare the people you date to your ex, but not taking the time to get over them completely will only make things worse. Give yourself a few weeks, months, or whatever it takes to reflect on what went wrong, clear your head, focus on yourself, and move on. You deserve a clean slate, and everyone new to your romantic life deserves it too.

3. Don’t be quick to judge your new date

It’s only natural to judge people from time to time and form opinions before we’ve really gotten to know them, but do your best to prove that person right when in doubt. Block out thoughts like, “Crap, he holds his fork the same way Tom does. He must also be a compulsive liar.” Or: “Oh no, she collects tiny gems, soaps and other things, just like Chelsea used to do. I’m a fan of quirky girls.” Right now, your job is to ask them questions and find out what kind of person they are, not how much they have in common with your ex.

4. Cut off all contact with your ex

If you’re actually friends with your ex, this will be difficult, but it’s necessary, at least for a while if you can’t stop yourself from making comparisons. There should be no calls, texts, or social media interactions between the two of you. Out of sight, out of mind. If you need help, recruit some friends or family members to support you and rein you in when you feel like you’re on the verge of breaking down.

5. Focus on your date’s unique qualities

Rather than refine the similarities to your ex, make an effort to explore the traits and interests that set them apart (e.g., “I’ve never met anyone who’s that into kayaking.” I’m not really into ‘Game of Thrones ‘ but tell me more about why you like it and what I might not understand about it.”). This is supposed to be one of the funnest parts of dating, and you’ll miss it because you can’t take your mind off an old flame.

6. Practice some mental and breathing exercises

A good way to avoid being reminded of your ex is to exercise both mentally and physically. Try some mindfulness exercises to control your thoughts and breathing like this one. Find exercises that work for you and your lifestyle, or ask for recommendations from people you know. You can also try exercising if you’re not already doing it, or reinforce the workouts you’re already doing. Adding new, small goals to your day and achieving them can make a big difference.

7. Remember that nobody is perfect

Expecting someone to be everything you want and need in life is a lot of pressure to put on a person, especially if you don’t know them. Imagine how you would feel if the person you are dating constantly compared you to his or her former boyfriend or girlfriend. It probably doesn’t feel good, does it? It’s worth putting yourself in their shoes every now and then, which will help you come back to earth and be present in the moment.

Getting over an ex can be one of the hardest things in life, especially if it’s been a long-term relationship and/or one of your most important. You may not believe it now, but you will find someone who will make you feel that way again. But the only way you can do that is if you give your new dates a chance, with no baggage attached.

Hayley Matthews is Editor-in-Chief at DatingAdvice.com, a popular site with tips from more than 250 experts. In addition, DatingAdvice.com provides comprehensive reviews of the best dating sites and ranks Match.com as the #1 dating site for seniors, black singles, lesbian & gay singles, Christian singles and singles overall. When Hayley isn’t writing about dating and relationships, she’s listening to The Beatles or watching Harry Potter movies.

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Picture this: the new man in your life is kind, handsome, and romantic, and you have so much in common. Every date is better than the last, and for the first time you see a future for yourself in a long-term, committed relationship. There’s just one problem: he can’t stop talking about his ex-partner. He may be comparing everything from your personality to your looks to the way you deal with conflict to his former significant other, and this might lead you to think his mind is stuck in the past. Whether your friend claims to have had negative or positive experiences with their ex, it doesn’t bode well if they continue to refer to their past relationship. So what to do when your boyfriend compares you to his ex?

Well, the answer is complicated. Greta Tufvesson and Nikki Lewis, founders of matchmaking service The Bevy, recommend that you consider the nature of his comments before deciding on an answer. Does he occasionally refer to his S.O. or does he keep bringing up past relationships? Are his comments playful or made with malicious intent? Does it seem like he’s going to put his ex on a pedestal and everyone else will get the short end of the stick? Is he still in contact with his ex or does he check her social media pages regularly?

While these details can affect your reaction, being compared to a past girlfriend is never easy. “Too many comparisons, whether positive or negative, become too much if done both ways too often,” explain Tufvesson and Lewis. “In either scenario, it suggests he’s not over her.” Read on for advice on what to do if your boyfriend keeps bringing up his ex.

Should your boyfriend compare you to his ex?

“Your boyfriend shouldn’t compare you to an ex unless it’s in a positive or appreciative light,” say Tufvesson and Lewis. If he gives the impression that his ex did everything right and you pale in comparison, that’s a red flag.

Even if an ex-partner strikes up harmless conversation, the frequency with which your boyfriend references an ex could be a cause for concern. “A swipe here or there is one thing, but constant negative comparisons aren’t okay,” say Tufvesson and Lewis.

Either way, it’s a sign that he may be stuck in the past and not giving your relationship the attention it deserves. “It could mean that he’s not over his ex and also doesn’t deserve you,” say Tufvesson and Lewis.

What should you do if your boyfriend compares you to his ex?

According to our experts, the answer is not that simple. The ideal response depends on the nature of the comments and how often they are made.

If it happens regularly, and it’s done with bad faith, that can be a sign it’s time to move on. “If the comparisons are consistent and hurtful, you need to pull the plug on the relationship,” Tufvesson and Lewis explain.

Comments that do not appear malicious and are made as a joke should be handled differently. While your relationship can likely continue, the references to your boyfriend’s ex still need to be addressed.

“If you want it to be less frequent and playful, you can ask him to be careful that the comparisons don’t hurt your feelings,” Tufvesson and Lewis explain. They add, “A good guy will understand and conform.”

What does it mean when your boyfriend compares you to his ex?

The most important takeaway from these comparisons is that he still thinks about your boyfriend’s past connection. This may prevent him from being a content, devoted, and fully present partner. “If your boyfriend compares you to his ex, it could show that he’s not out of his [former relationship] and not ready to commit to a relationship with you,” say Tufvesson and Lewis.

When deciphering the meaning behind the comments, it’s important to pay attention to frequency. The occasional comment may be harmless but annoying. However, the more they occur, the more of a problem they become in your relationship. “Too many comparisons, whether positive or negative, become too much if done both ways too often,” say Tufvesson and Lewis.

But no matter how often they occur, references to your boyfriend’s ex send a strong and clear message, according to Tufvesson and Lewis. “In either scenario, it suggests he’s not over her.” He should resolve to leave his previous relationship behind completely. And if he can’t stop living in the past, maybe it’s best to go their separate ways and focus on a future with someone else.

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Breakups are tough, whether you’re the one who broke up or him. And getting over your ex is even harder. But sometimes, most of the time, you get over your ex without even trying. Here are ten signs that your past relationship is behind you.

You’ve found someone new, but no matter how great they are, you can’t stop comparing them to your ex. Whether your old relationship ended months or years ago, it’s time to move on and give someone else a shot at your heart. You can give new prospects a chance by changing your mindset and not comparing your new date to your ex. If that’s too difficult, you can always try to remind yourself of all your ex’s worst qualities. If you want more advice on how to improve your dating life and forget about the boys and girls of the past, you’ve come to the right place!

Ex-wife envy, second wife syndrome, and adjusting to stepmotherhood after his Tennessee divorce

With the Tennessee divorce in the distant past, another struggle could be looming in the Memphis household. Slowly the horns of ex-wife envy begin to show until a full blown case of second wife syndrome develops. But every coin has two sides, and every post-divorce family has at least two sides.

Is there really a second wife syndrome?

Maybe you know her, the second wife. She occupies a special place in the children of divorced parents. One that is not always enviable. As hard as she tries, the second wife can lose out on any parenting decision, even if the child lives at home. If she and the family pet are the only ones who are equal when it comes to raising children, she can become a victim of second wife syndrome.

Divorce coach and blogger Lee Brochstein describes second wife syndrome as follows:

“Anger, jealousy, judgement, lack of cooperation and communication and often caught in the middle of parenting between husband and ex-wife which makes co-parenting very difficult without misadventure.”

That is certainly one side of the coin. But there is another side, one seen through the eyes of the second wife, who now confronts the yearnings and despairs of stepmotherhood.

Claiming the role of stepmother is an enormous responsibility. If the second wife does not have children of her own to merge the family, it can be even more difficult to fulfill these tasks. The balance of power in the household is likely to be strongly in favor of the ex-wife as the mother of the child. From this point of view, it is not surprising that a second wife can feel anger, frustration and jealousy. Or try stepping into the middle of parenting her husband and his ex.

Desperation to win the stepchild’s affection

There is another possible reaction to being the second wife. Call it the “desperation to win the stepchild’s affection syndrome.” After all, this is another woman’s child and they share a very special bond. How does the second wife compete with that? By showering a stepdaughter with gifts, by letting the boy dictate family time, by refraining from any form of disciplinary action that might upset the girl. Tiptoe while bending backwards.

Needless to say, competing with an ex-wife for the stepchild’s favor will not be successful.

Help the second wife to be a good stepmother

Custody attorneys know that it is very prudent to place a minor child in a new relationship with a significant other, significant other, or second wife shortly after divorce.

Children need time to adjust to divorce and separation. Each child adapts differently to changing family circumstances based on age, siblings, pre-divorce home life, and many other variables. Some really struggle with their parents’ breakup and often blame themselves, at least for a time, for everything that went wrong. “If I hadn’t gotten in trouble at school, mom and dad wouldn’t have fought,” and so on.

In custody cases, parents are instructed to exercise caution before introducing significant others into their child’s life. However, the hard-earned educational plan of the second wife is rarely communicated. The very person pushed into stepmotherhood.

If she doesn’t know what’s in the parenting plan—who has legal custody, custody, visitation rights, and what it all means—the second wife is at a deep disadvantage. She won’t know about the parental agreements and the court orders for custody. She’s probably confused, probably hurt, and could easily fall into the trap of second wife syndrome.

Are you the second wife and a stepmother? Leave a comment! We’d really like to know your story. What worked and what didn’t? Did you have a blended family? Have you ever wanted to blame your husband’s ex-wife for child-rearing decisions that are beyond your control?

Custody and parenting plans for children in Tennessee

The Miles Mason Family Law Group handles divorce, child support, alimony, custody and parental relocation in Tennessee. Download our free e-book, Getting Started: 7 Steps to Planning Your Tennessee Divorce. A Memphis divorce attorney from the Miles Mason Family Law Group can help. To schedule your confidential consultation, call us today at (901) 683-1850.

It’s really hard to be on social media and not compare yourself to others. Your body isn’t good enough, your wardrobe isn’t trendy enough, and your house isn’t Pottery-Barn enough. It might even make you feel like you’re not enough.

I also talk to myself. I am totally fascinated and mesmerized by how these beautiful, successful people live their lives. If I’m not careful, I can end up spending hours a week scrolling through the lives of these people I may not even know, and I don’t feel so good about myself.

So a few years ago I made it my goal not to compare myself to others. And let me tell you: It wasn’t easy. Because I have 24/7 access to the best parts of everyone else’s life right on my phone, I know exactly how to stack up against every other mom, wife, and spokesperson with a social media account.

Comparison steals our joy, our paychecks, and our sanity. If we don’t stop comparing ourselves to others, we will constantly spend money and mental energy just to keep up! We need to break the comparison cycle because it’s a game we’ll never win.

The root of the comparison

There is actually a biological reason why we tend to compare ourselves to others. Our brain uses comparisons to figure out how we compare to other people.

Your mental health matters. Order Own Your Past, Change Your Future today!

Thomas Mussweiler, professor of organizational behavior, describes the comparison as follows: “It is one of the most fundamental ways in which we develop an understanding of who we are, what we are good at and what we are not so good at.”

Most of the time, this calculation runs in the background in fractions of a second without us noticing. But when we’re dealing with the high points of other people’s lives, it can quickly become toxic. We are programmed for connection and belonging, but when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we put our happiness, confidence, and sanity at risk.

Effects of comparison to others in real life

There are so many negative effects of the comparison trap and I’m sure you’ve felt them before. Here are a few I’ve seen over and over again:

Negative and anxious thoughts that are difficult to overcome (known as rumination)

Higher rates of anxiety and depression 1

Too much effort to keep up with the Joneses

Study after study has shown that people feel worse after spending time on social media. And all of that negativity takes its toll on our mental health and our bank accounts.

A recent study found that keeping up with the Joneses causes financial problems. And they discovered that in neighborhoods where someone had won the lottery, their neighbors were more likely to make large, visible purchases and – I think that’s crazy – go bankrupt!2

Folks, these bankruptcies were 100% preventable. It’s not a question of money – it’s an affair of the heart. These people saw their neighbors getting a lifestyle upgrade, and suddenly they thought they needed one too — even though they couldn’t afford it.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a little luxury as long as it fits within your budget. However, when you accumulate a bunch of stuff and get into deep debt to buy everything just to impress your neighbor (in person or on Instagram), you don’t even really own your stuff—they own you. The debt takes over and steals all your income, and you suddenly become a servant of the things you thought would make you happy.

I don’t want you to make decisions by comparing yourself to others. So when you’re ready to put the blinders on, stop comparing yourself to everyone else and focus on your life. I want to show you how.

8 practical ways to stop comparing yourself to others

This is something I’m still working on myself. However, I can share with you some specific steps I’ve taken and principles I’ve applied to my own life to help me take my eyes off other people and bring them back to living a life that is I am in love.

1. Practice gratitude.

That one habit changed everything for me. A few years ago, I opened the Notes app on my phone and typed three things I could be thankful for on the spot. I wrote:

Early, quiet mornings before anyone wakes up. My health. Coffee.

Those were the first three things that came to mind. I didn’t spend much time analyzing or thinking about the goodness of my life. And I certainly didn’t shed a tear. That wasn’t a Hallmark Movie moment! I’m not sure if I felt a big change at all back then.

But now? This Notes app is my lifeline.

What started as a simple gratitude experiment has grown into joys big and small that are flooding my life. I add to the list every morning and keep coming back to it whenever I need a reminder of God’s care and blessings in my life.

2. Unleash the power of contentment.

Gratitude breeds contentment, which allows you to be in a state of joy and contentment no matter what your circumstances. You are content with where you are in life and not worried about what other people are doing.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have goals for the future or that you aren’t working to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’re stagnant or that you choose to sit around and do nothing new, exciting, or challenging with your life. It just means that you develop peace in your life and genuinely enjoy what you have today without basing all your happiness on what you hope to achieve tomorrow.

3. Don’t compare your life to everyone else’s highlights.

Are you ready for my most shocking observation yet? Social media does not always reflect reality. Boom. (I know you know this, but have you ever really thought about it?)

It’s not usually the full picture of someone’s life – it’s just the highlight reel.

We spend all that money and our emotional energy just to keep up with a life we ​​think everyone else is living and we’re missing out on. And that not only ruins our mental health, but also our financial security.

Once you take your focus away from them and back to your own life, you can start turning things around with your life and your money.

4. Focus on your strengths.

You can be humble and still recognize your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. You don’t have to beat yourself up to be humble. In fact, that’s a pretty unhealthy approach and one of the greatest dangers of comparison living. The more we compare ourselves to others, the worse we feel. This is a dangerous trap that we must avoid.

Try to write down three things that you really like about yourself – things that you can identify as strengths. Don’t just write “good people skills” like you would on a boring resume. Make them personal! Here are three from me:

i am proactive I like to get things done, so whether it’s responding to edits on my next book or making dinner reservations, I’m always looking ahead and taking action.

i love people I may or may not have won the “friendliest” superlative of my senior year at Brentwood High School. I’ve really always enjoyed being around people! Embracing this strength gives me the ability to make people feel loved and cared for when they hang out with me.

I’m a great baby sleep coach. Serious. If I didn’t do what I do for a living, I would start a business around baby sleep training. What can I say? It is a present. And it’s a good one.

Why do you treat money like this? Take the quiz! Take the quiz!

5. Celebrate other people.

Constantly comparing ourselves to others means we don’t cheer for the people who work hard to achieve something. And it makes it hard to celebrate with those who have achieved something!

So here’s my challenge to you: When a friend tells you about her new job, be happy for her. When someone buys a new home, share in their excitement. When someone shares great news with you, focus on them instead of turning them back on yourself. Find big and small ways to celebrate other people’s achievements!

The Bible says, “Rejoice with those who are merry” (Romans 12:15, NIV). Don’t feel like you lose just because someone else wins. Their success has nothing to do with you, so sincerely celebrate their success while you continue to work towards your own success.

6. Learn to compete with yourself instead of others.

Focus on your own goals instead of focusing on where you compare to others. Where do you stand compared to where you were this time last year? Or five years ago?

One of the reasons I journal is that it does wonderful things for my mental health. It gives me clarity and perspective about God’s blessings in my life. Plus, it’s just a lot of fun to go back and flip through the pages of old magazines to see how much I’ve grown.

Over the past year you have learned, stretched, improved, achieved and created. Think about how much of this you’ve done in your life! If you’re like me and have kept journals, go over them again. If not, there is no better time to start journaling than today.

7. Limit how much time you spend on social media.

As we mentioned earlier, comparison via social media can have a massive impact on our mental well-being. Here are some limits you can set to protect yourself:

Unfollow any accounts that tend to make you feel bad about yourself.

Set a timer and allow yourself to scroll for 30 minutes. When time is up, say goodbye to social media, my friend.

Turn off your phone when you have dinner with your family and friends. Being fully present with them will make everyone happier!

Don’t feel obligated to reply to every comment and message – nobody has time for that.

If you feel the urge to check out social media, ask yourself why. Are you bored, uncomfortable or looking for validation? What can you do instead to make yourself feel better?

8. Do a social media fast.

I can tell you from experience: it’s almost impossible to be happy with your life if you’re constantly looking at what someone else has.

If you’re having trouble appreciating the blessings in your life and you’re constantly getting distracted by other people’s #blessings, it may be time to put on some serious blinders for a while.

So here’s my biggest challenge for you: turn off all social networks. And while you’re at it, unsubscribe from all those email newsletters that tell you how much you’re “missing.”

Spend that time and energy focusing on how much you really have. Look at your family, your friends, your home, your job and all the things in your life that really matter. Find things in your own life that someone else might be jealous of. Remember, if we look at everyone, that means a lot of people compare themselves to whatever you have. Find out what those blessings are and rejoice in all you have.

Does the comparison affect my daily life?

Here are some questions to help you determine if you have a problem comparing yourself to others:

Have you ever made an impulse purchase on Instagram?

Do you get FOMO (fear of missing out) or even anxiety after spending time on social media?

When something good happens to someone else, is your natural reaction to be upset?

Have you ever deleted something from social media because it didn’t get the reaction you wanted?

Do you check several times a day who viewed your Instagram story or liked your Facebook post?

If you answered yes to a few of these, then there’s no shame in this! I’m just as prone to falling into the comparison trap as anyone. I also worry about what other people think of me.

But you and I were made for more than that. We were made for more than just stress and spending and feeling like we’re failing! I want us all to live on our own terms.

Don’t compare yourself to others anymore

Focus on the quality of your life, not the quantity of your likes.

Keeping up with the Joneses shouldn’t be what motivates you to do something — on social media or otherwise. Like stress will cause you to spend time, effort, and money on recognition you don’t need. At Isaiah 43:1 the Lord promises us: “I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.” I know comparisons will always be a struggle – for me as well as for everyone else! But we don’t belong to other people who like our pictures. I belong to a God who loves me and so do you.

If you’re willing to resist comparison, try journaling. Yes, I’m serious. Here’s how to put the above steps into action every day! My Contentment Journal helps you focus on your own life and become a happier person in just 90 days. I guarantee this journal will help you adjust your entire attitude to avoid comparison and experience lasting satisfaction.

Breaking up is hard.

Whether you’re coming out of a long-term relationship or a casual six-week situation, things always end up awkward, uncomfortable, and always hurt.

Over time, the pain of separation subsides and things get easier. That is, until a really cute picture of your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend shows up in your newsfeed.

Your stomach suddenly implodes with feelings you thought were long gone.

In my experience, I’ve never been the first to enter a new relationship after breaking up. Instead, I’m more of the “warm up act” where the guys move on to “The One” right after me.

My therapist says it’s not so black and white, but I can’t help but ask myself: Why wasn’t I enough?

It’s hard not to be curious about this new person in my former flame’s life… and you can bet I’ll be full Nancy Drew on her social media.

As I battle insomnia, I start flipping through her Instagram, comparing our general appearance, success, and anything else I can think of.

The list of pure lunatics goes on. I become an ugly, judgmental person. I don’t know this woman at all, and yet I compare myself to what little I can get out of filtered happiness.

Why the masochism? My guess is insecurity and lack of self love, but I’m still figuring out how to stop it.

To steer me (and hopefully others) off this path, Elite Daily consulted some experts to find out why we’re comparing ourselves to our ex’s new girlfriends and how to stop it.

Why do I keep comparing if I’m not happy afterwards?

This all has more to do with you than with her.

Your ex-boyfriend could be dating a guy right now, and you would still find a way to compare your legs to his.

According to relationship and etiquette expert and author April Masini, “If you compare yourself to your ex’s new partner or your current partner’s last partner, it is because you want to be the only one, and since you can’t, you want to You to be the best ever.”

All of these comparisons probably mean you’re not feeling as well as you should, and now you want some validation.

“We’re wondering if what’s new is an ‘upgrade’ from you,” says Thomas Edwards Jr., founder of The Professional Wingman.

Edward adds

We rarely question leaving a relationship until we see it with someone else. First we look at their looks, then we pay close attention to their dynamics and how our ex acts around their new significant other to see if they appear happier than when we were with them.

When you find yourself comparing your life to theirs, remind yourself of something you’re proud of, whether it’s an achievement at work or the puppy you just adopted.

We compare ourselves to assess ourselves. It’s not about who he’s with now, it’s about how we value ourselves.

Start doing more of this.

What does he see in her that he didn’t see in me?

Let’s say you’re in some way objectively “better” than your ex’s new girlfriend.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a better match for him.

According to Edwards, “The fact that our ex is dating someone other than us says a lot more about our ex than it does about us.”

She’s different from you, and that’s the whole point.

You broke up for a reason. As tempting as it may be to turn relationships into mathematical equations, they simply aren’t calculations.

“I can speak from experience, the women I’ve dated and the ones I’ve been exclusive with have changed dramatically over time,” says Edwards. “That’s because a ‘type’ really doesn’t exist.”

It’s best not to dwell on the details. Some people just don’t mix.

So what can I do to finally stop googling them?

It’s like a really terrible habit, so treat it like one.

Take it one day at a time. Don’t look for her. Don’t follow him. Do whatever it takes.

Also, don’t think that you have to jump into another relationship just to forget him. It’s more important that you start loving yourself.

I know it’s literally the hardest thing imaginable – loving yourself?! But it’s very possible. It just takes discipline.

In your darker moments, remind yourself that you are no longer with him for a reason.

“They were probably different 10 years ago than they are today, and maybe very different,” says Masini. “That requires different partners. When you accept this version of life you will understand that there is no gain – there is only compatibility for different times in life.

Getting over someone is hard, especially when they look very happy with a new girlfriend.

Remember, the best revenge is a good life.

“The most important thing to remember is that you left your ex for a reason and because it was the best decision for you,” says Edwards. “The more you focus on making your life better, the less it matters what your ex is up to.”

Remind yourself that you are enough and remember that you would still be together if it were to be.

You need something else in your life right now and you will know it when you see it.

The end of a romantic relationship can leave people in a veil of bitterness, resentment, and anger.

Movies sometimes show men who can’t stomach the mere thought of an ex-lover: think Humphrey Bogart’s character in Casablanca, or Jim Carrey’s character wiping out all memories of his girlfriend in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

But it turns out that men are more likely to think about their female exes than women are about their male exes, according to a recent study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Women, on the other hand, cope better with a breakup and are more likely to recover, said lead author Ursula Athenstaedt, a professor of social psychology at the University of Graz in Austria. It’s believed to be the first study to show that men and women differ in how they view their exes.

“We didn’t expect that there would be gender differences initially,” Athenstaedt told TODAY.

In fact, a survey that was part of the study confirmed that the results seemed counterintuitive to most observers. When researchers asked hundreds of people how they thought men and women would likely feel after a breakup, only about a quarter — 24% — thought men would view their exes more favorably.

The study results are based on responses from 295 people who have been in a heterosexual relationship for at least four months and have separated from their partner within the last five years.

All recorded their feelings on an Ex-Partner Attitudes Scale, where they noted how much they agreed with statements such as, “My ex-partner has many positive qualities,” “I avoid touching my ex-partner,” and “When I think about my ex-partner, I get angry.”

In general, men had more positive attitudes toward their exes than women, the authors found.

Another survey of 612 people repeated the results and asked additional questions about the participants’ relationships, reasons for the breakup, coping styles, and attitudes toward love and sex to find out why men liked their exes more.

As expected, men reported receiving more emotional support from their exes than women during their relationship, and they were also more open to having more than one sex partner.

That could explain why they prefer to think about their former lovers and try to keep in touch rather than cut ties: Maybe they don’t want to “close the door on” sex with their exes, the authors surmised.

“Let’s assume men could be more open to more sexual intimacy than women,” Athenstaedt said. “But it could also be that they just miss the person who has been a great support in the relationship and therefore appreciate the friendship.”

While women disliked their ex-boyfriends less, they reported healthier coping strategies after a breakup, such as B. Looking for support from friends. Men tended to distract themselves with excessive work and exercise, drink more alcohol, or quickly form rebound relationships.

Women were also more likely to attribute the cause of the breakup to their partner or an issue with the relationship itself. Previous research has found that men were more likely to claim they didn’t know what caused a romance to end.

“Women may have found a good reason to end the relationship and thus blame their ex-partner for the breakup,” Athenstaedt said.

“It could be good for both genders to move on, and somehow women seem to have an overall advantage.”

Longing for an ex-partner affects the quality of a person’s next relationship, so the results imply that men’s new romances may suffer more than women’s, the authors said.

“The lesson might be that past relationships play a role. It could be worth accepting this, processing it and finding a way of dealing with it,” said Athenstaedt.

You may feel awkward talking about ex-boyfriends with your new partner, but having an honest conversation with them about past relationships is perfectly healthy. It can bring you closer together and help you better understand your significant other and vice versa. Also, the way your girlfriend or boyfriend talks about ex-boyfriends can be very revealing.

Obviously your S.O. should not have feelings for their ex when they are with you now. But if not much time has passed between the breakup and the beginning of the relationship, or if you ever feel like your boyfriend or girlfriend is comparing your attachment to a previous relationship of theirs, this could be a warning sign that your partner isn’t over away from his ex.

If you are concerned that your S.O. Isn’t over your ex or that you may still be dating a previous partner, it’s important not to jump to conclusions without talking to them. It’s incredibly natural to wonder what it means when a guy talks about his past relationships or when a girl references her ex in conversations. However, there are a number of signs to look out for that could indicate your S.O. talks too much or in unhealthy ways about ex-boyfriends, from subtly shifting the conversation to blatantly ignoring your questions about the breakup.

Elite Daily spoke to relationship experts about the most common red flags to be aware of when talking to your current partner about their past relationships. Here are the seven best.

01 They’re vague or secretive about details of the Stocksy/Lucas Ottone breakup “Sometimes it’s what they don’t say,” says couples therapist and relationship expert Tracy K. Ross, LCSW. “They don’t have a clear understanding of why the relationship ended, what didn’t work for them, how the breakup came about, and whether or not they are in contact, [or] they make a point of not mentioning their [ex’s] name.” .” If you feel like your partner is always vague when the topic of their ex is brought up, there may be a reason why they’re not telling you the whole truth. Withholding information can be a big red flag, especially when They talk to their SO about their past relationship and they still avoided the topic.

02 You seem uncomfortable at the mention of your ex-partner’s name If your partner seems either “too interested or uncomfortable when their ex-partner’s name comes up in conversation, either when you are with others or when you are alone,” says Roß. According to relationship expert Emily Holmes, one troubling sign to watch out for when your partner is talking about or hearing about their ex is when they look physically uncomfortable or upset. “Someone who can maintain open body language, a positive tone of voice and objective opinions in this conversation is typically someone who will stop looking in the rearview mirror,” Holmes Hahn previously told Elite Daily. “It’s also someone who wants to show you that they’ve been willing to commit in the past and aren’t hiding dark secrets about their romantic history.” Trying to play something off like it’s no big deal often means that it is. Especially if your partner’s last relationship was pretty serious, the way they react to the mention of their ex can reveal a lot about how they really feel.

03 They Draw Comparisons Between You and Your Ex This includes both subtle and blatant comparisons, according to Ross. You could also “mention qualities about your ex that you clearly don’t have,” she says. Drawing parallels between you and an ex is not a good sign. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should love and respect you for who you are, not for how similar or different you are to your ex. “If you feel like you’re the rebound person, or you’re not sure what they really like or appreciate about you, pay attention,” says Ross. “Your significant other should bring out the best in you.”

04 You’re Nostalgic About Your Old Relationship Constantinis/E+/Getty Images If you feel like your partner idealizes their ex in certain ways, such as ‘,’ it could mean that ‘feeling nostalgic about their ex is present,” says Ross. They could also “talk about activities they miss that are clearly related to their ex, even if they’re not directly related to them,” she adds. This behavior could be an indication that your partner is still feeling upset in their last relationship. Keeping photos of their ex on their phone could also be a sign that they haven’t fully overcome the previous relationship. “The frequent reminders of the person… keep us from grieving the loss of the relationship,” explained clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., previously told Elite Daily. “The result is being stuck between being together and moving forward.”

05 You’re angry or sad about the breakup Other signs to look out for are if “they’re overly critical of your ex, you still feel the anger when they talk about them, or they get emotional — angry, sad etc – when her [ex] name is mentioned,” says Ross. While opening up about being hurt in a previous relationship isn’t necessarily a red flag, if anything, it might be a sign making sure your partner is emotionally intelligent and stable enough to talk openly about it – it’s important to keep in mind that past trauma can still affect the present.” If your partner is talking about it, about their ex in any way Being caught off guard, whether it’s by the breakup or a revelation, beware that there could be a ripple effect,” Ross says. While it won’t spell the end of your relationship, it could suggest that you as a couple need to work through some things.

06 You still seem connected to your ex If your partner makes every effort to keep in touch with their ex’s friends and family and justifies that contact when you question them, Ross says they may still be connected linked to his ex. Maintaining mutual friendships is one thing, but if your partner seems overly invested in their ex’s social circles or even goes so far as to put themselves in situations where they’re likely to run into their ex, you might want to talk to your partner speak. about their intentions. “Pay attention to your inner compass,” says Ross. “If something makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t feel right, or questions you, don’t ignore it — speak up.”

07 They Blame Their Ex For The Breakup And Take No Responsibility Estudio13G/Moment/Getty Images Aside from simply talking about their ex in an unhealthy way, there are also some red flags to watch out for that could mean that your partner’s previous relationships were unhealthy General. When “your partner talks about how [they] were wronged by the ex, how they were a victim, [or when they] give examples of how they weren’t treated well, and the angle blames the ex [instead of] acknowledging questioning why they would put up with this type of relationship,” Ross says, which should be on the radar. If “it’s all criticism of the ex and no responsibility on your part, no nuances — black and white thinking,” that’s not a healthy way to deal with a breakup — and maybe they’re not ready for a new relationship just yet. “You should be careful not to fall into and repeat the same patterns [as in previous relationships],” says Ross. “Listen to what they are telling you and, if possible, have an honest conversation about what was the catch in this unhealthy relationship.” Talking about past relationships can blind you to important information about needs, patterns, and needs Preserve stains and your partner’s hookup style, both healthy and unhealthy. If you ever feel uncomfortable using your S.O. talking about an ex, don’t be afraid to start a productive conversation. The sooner you go public with it, the easier it will be to let go of the past and focus on building a strong future together. Experts: Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, couples therapist and relationship expert Emily Holmes Hahn, relationship expert Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Well this is awkward…

Women think about a whole range of things during sex, from whether the laundry was hung up, until when you booked the eyebrow appointment the next day.

Today’s top videos

As unromantic as these thoughts may be, they’re not that bad.

A new survey has found that around two-thirds of women think about their ex during sex.

According to IllicitEncounters.com, 59 percent of women regularly dream of having sex with their ex.

Men rank slightly lower, with 48 percent saying they think about their ex during sex.

Another study conducted by Ohio University also found that women think about sex more than you might think.

They studied the behavior of students between the ages of 18 and 25 using hand counters. The 285 participants were asked to record every thought they had about sex, food, and sleep each day.

According to the results, women think about sex an average of 18.6 times a day, which is 8 hours of sleep every 51 minutes.

The highest score for a woman was 140 thoughts about sex in one day! That’s every seven minutes. Wow.

Tips from a relationship and intimacy coach on how to stop comparing your relationship to others…

Sometimes when you scroll through your social media feeds it seems like you only see your friends having great dates, incredible proposal stories, beautiful wedding ceremonies, happy pregnancies and happy babies. You can’t help but think, “Wow, they have it really good” and “Why don’t I?”. This type of thinking puts an unjustified strain on our lives and relationships. Protect your head and heart from unhealthy envy – it’s time to compare your relationship to others once and for all – here’s how.

Read more: How to Break the Cycle of Relationship Burnout

How to stop comparing your relationship to others

Don’t get caught up in someone else’s story

What we post on social media is never the whole story, so why should we assume it’s any different for other people. We’re often bombarded with images of couples on romantic dates, kissing at sunset, or showering each other with lavish gifts to celebrate an anniversary, but we have to remember that these are just the highlights. It’s very rare for someone to write about an argument with their partner, a boring Saturday night at home, or the fact that they got food poisoning over their anniversary dinner, but that doesn’t mean those things don’t happen. We’ll never know someone’s full story, at least not through a screen, so comparing your life to someone else’s will never do you any good. This also applies to other aspects of your life, including friends, vacations, jobs, and weekend plans.

Identify specific triggers

While we already know that what people post on their feed is far from reality, stopping yourself from comparing your life and relationship to others is much easier said than done. If you’re having trouble quitting, take some time to identify what you’re most sensitive to and what affects your mood the most. Is it when you scroll through your Instagram feed, or every time you watch a romantic movie? Maybe it’s when you hang out with a certain group of friends who like to brag about how amazing their relationships are going. Write down what triggers negative feelings and who you compare yourself to. Awareness is key to avoiding this pattern and behavior and can help you get to the core of why you are comparing your life to others.

Read more: 5 ways to stop relationship patterns from repeating themselves

Compare the worst of yourself to the best of others

One thing we are often unaware of, but which can be very detrimental, is that we tend to view other people’s accomplishments through the lens of our weaknesses. This means we compare what we see as the best in someone else to our deepest insecurities. To make matters worse, we’re always so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Our inner critic can often make us feel inadequate, discouraged, and helpless. This is why it is so important that we are aware of this negative inner voice and make an effort to be kinder to ourselves. The best cure, I believe, is self-care and compassion, and you can work on that through journaling, mediation, and coaching. I also recommend reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection, which teaches you to embrace your imperfections and realize that you are enough.

Turn envy into action

Suppose you banned the accounts you triggered in the past and take a break from that group of friends who always make you feel down in life. Maybe you still feel touched by a couple holding hands on the street or sitting next to two people cozying up at the cinema. This is out of your control. Maybe you’re just staying home, longing for a relationship, or longing for some quality time with your partner—these are things you can control. Instead of getting upset about it, use it as inspiration to take action. Jealous of someone’s stay? Plan a stay with your friend or partner. Frustrated that you and your partner are back on the couch on a Friday night? Reserve a table at your favorite restaurant. Want more passion in the bedroom but not sure how to go about it? You and your lover can take this quick quiz to help you discover each other’s erotic language and paths to deeper intimacy.

Trust your own path

Ultimately, comparing yourself to others will only disturb your peace of mind. Try your best to divert your gaze from the social media posts that are less than inspirational or encouraging, and focus less on what everyone else has and more on what you have that makes you happy power. If you are currently looking for a partner then get out and meet people. If you are searching for deeper love, passion, and connection in your current relationship, bring this up with your partner and work together to see how you can meet each other’s needs.

Make sure to be honest with yourself about your wants and needs. We often find ourselves making comparisons because we care what other people think or see something we want (even though we may not have known we wanted it before we saw it). Take a step back and reevaluate. Remember, no single soul is exactly like you and therefore no relationship is the same. This is perhaps my best tip for stopping comparisons with others because it is the truth. It just doesn’t make sense to compare apples to oranges. We are all different, moving at different speeds, with different goals.