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This Torrent of Indians: War on the Southern Frontier, 1715–1728 – Larry E. Ivers – Google Sách
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Bored to Death
Escape from the Dungeon!
Written by Jonathan Ames
Directed by Alan TaylorJonathan narrowly escapes pursuit by the wrathful philanderer he’s been trailing, losing him just in time to duck into his new teaching job at Metropolitan Writers Workshop. Worn down by the mental pain of his students, Jonathan bemoans the trajectory of his thirties and his lack of success over drinks with George and Ray.
George faces his own trials. ‘Edition NY’ has been bought, and the new publisher, Katherine Joiner, lays down the law about cutting back on expenses: No more lunches at the Four Seasons; no more Orangina. Meanwhile, in spite of Ray’s attendance at yoga, Leah breaks up with him, citing her need for time alone.
Jonathan tackles his new assignment from Officer Drake, a mounted policeman with a forced feminization issue: Find and destroy the hard drive of an S&M dungeon he frequents (which is about to be raided). He books an appointment with Mistress Florence, the head dominatrix, and destroys the drive, but has to stay for his session to avoid blowing his cover. The raid interrupts them, and Jonathan manages to escape, clad in full body leather and a hood. Having left his wallet and cell phone behind, he calls Ray collect but, shaken by his break-up, Ray is too lachrymose to help. Jonathan races through Manhattan to ‘Edition NY,’ interrupting a meeting of the new board in order to get George’s help cracking the lock on his hood.
Make It Quick, Fitzgerald!
Written by Jonathan Ames
Directed by Alan TaylorSuspicious that his wife is having an affair due to her recent suppressed smile, Richard Antrem hires Jonathan to spy on Priscilla, arranging for him to hide in their bedroom closet. Jonathan is dismayed to discover that Priscilla is sleeping with George – and that they role-play Nosferatu.
Stella surprises Jonathan with a request to explore polyamory now that the love of her life has moved back to Brooklyn. After much cajoling, Jonathan agrees to an overnight group cuddle with Stella and Warren, a struggling comedian.
Following up on the sharp pain he experienced in his penis, George visits Dr. Kenwood, a female urologist with an innovative exam technique, who informs George he has bedbugs (forcing him to move into the Maritime Hotel). Over breakfast, Jonathan reveals to George that he was in the closet during the tryst with Priscilla and insists George end the affair since Antrem is ordering another closet stakeout.
Ray shows Jonathan the new comic he has created as part of his campaign to win back Leah. In spite of the fact that “Super Ray” got his power from his penis hitting the third rail, Jonathan is dubious the cartoon will adequately impress Leah.
The cuddle with Warren and Stella makes Jonathan self-conscious about the size of his penis. To try and stop himself from committing menticide, Jonathan convinces Ray to look at his penis to let him know if he’s normal; Ray assures him he is.
That night in Antrem’s closet, Jonathan blocks out the sounds of Priscilla and George’s lovemaking but when he texts Antrem that everything is “quiet,” Antrem decides to return home. Jonathan is forced to announce his presence to prevent George and Priscilla from being caught. When Antrem arrives to confess his suspicions to his wife, he opens the closet door to reveal Jonathan – and finds George there as well. Disgusted, Priscilla kicks all three of them out.
When Ray lets himself into Leah’s to surprise her with gifts, he gets an eyeful when he finds a naked man named Irwin in her bed and chases him to the street.
The Gowanus Canal Has Gonorrhea!
Written by Martin Gero & Jonathan Ames
Directed by Michael LehmannGeorge returns to Dr. Kenwood’s for his test results and receives the news that he has stage two prostate cancer. As a hoarder, George is upset that the suggested treatment is to remove his prostate – and is stunned to hear the phrase “mortality rate” – but is comforted by Dr. Kenwood’s embrace.
At a club watching a naked women insert herself into a balloon, Stella announces to Jonathan that their polyamory experiment isn’t working – and he is surprised to learn she has chosen her first love, Warren, over him.
On the heels of his breakup, Jonathan is jumped by a pair of Zipcar-driving thugs who dangle him over the gonorrhea-ridden Gowanus Canal to make him turn over the hard drive he stole from the dungeon he penetrated while working the case for Officer Drake. He informs them he destroyed the drive and won’t reveal his client’s name, insisting it wouldn’t help them because he’s a cop and they can’t blackmail a cop. While one of the thugs (Jim), wants to kill Jonathan, the other (Eric), suggests they hold him for ransom and use the money to open their own dungeon in Boston. Jonathan calls George asking him to deliver $20,000 cash at 2 AM to the Brooklyn warehouse where he’s being held. Although George is already very stoned (in response to the news of his diagnosis), he agrees to these terms.
George enlists Ray’s help, and they head to the spy shop where Howard lets them in after hours to stock up on equipment for their rescue mission. Armed with Rohm Rubber Bullet guns, Flashbang grenades and walkie-talkies, George and Ray head out. Back at the warehouse, waiting to attack, George confides to Ray that he has prostate cancer and that he made out with his doctor: “I may be dying and falling in love at the same time.”
Waiting for the ransom, Jim confides his affinity for Oscar Wilde, relating to his quote that he had “a love that dare not speak its name.” Eric retorts that Jim’s love has a name: “tranny chasing.” As the two rumble, Jonathan makes a break for it, but fails. Meanwhile outside, as they launch their rescue operation, George misfires, hitting Ray in the head. They are captured by Jim and Eric who are riled because George didn’t bring the money. Jonathan makes another call, and they drive to New Jersey where his parents are waiting with $2,000. Disgusted with the paltry sum, but not able to kill anyone in the bright light of day in the suburbs, the thwarted thugs take off. Jonathan’s mother prepares George, Ray and Jonathan a breakfast of eggs, white fish and herring.
I’ve Been Living Like a Demented God!
Written by Donick Cary & Jonathan Ames
Directed by Michael LehmannGeorge discusses his mortality with Jonathan, believing that his prostate cancer is payback for “living like a demented God.” After countering with complaints about his own lack of success, Jonathan insists they focus on the positive.
At Midwood College, Jonathan meets with a new client, fiction writing Professor Hawkins, a wheelchair-bound junkie who paid his dealer with a signed first edition of ‘On the Road’ before realizing it was worth $75,000. Now he wants the book back.
The next morning, while waiting for Jonathan outside the comic book store, Ray comes across Leah and, after apologizing for his run-in with Irwin, enquires whether she’s read his comic book or listened to the mixed CD he made for her. She says she hasn’t and beats a hasty retreat just as Jonathan shows up. Ray and Jonathan head inside, where Ray gets the surprising news that ‘The Birth of Super Ray’ is selling like crazy. He is approached by a female fan with elf ears who asks for his autograph. Unsure of whether his recent good fortune is due to psychic transference with his super hero alter ego or the positive visualizations he’s been doing per a pamphlet from his mother, Ray heads to a bar to celebrate. Jonathan cannot join him, as he must attend to his new case.
George learns from his new publisher Kathryn Joiner that all ‘Edition NY’ employees will have to undergo a drug test that afternoon. Meanwhile, at Midwood College, Louis Greene spies Jonathan on his stake-out. Jonathan is jealous of Greene’s adjunct position, but when he gets the pre-determined signal from Professor Hawkins he heads off to tail the dealer.
Drinking his profits at a bar, Ray meets Jennifer Gladwell (one of Jonathan’s first clients, the alcoholic who suspected her boyfriend of cheating). After several whiskeys, they end up in bed together at Ray’s for an afternoon of intense sexual play.
Not being able to convince anyone to give him clean urine, George tries to temper his sample with soap, but it still tests off the charts for THC. Katherine relays the news that he will have to go to rehab. But George gets himself off the hook explaining he has prostate cancer and has been smoking marijuana for medicinal purposes.
Tailing the dealer, Jonathan spies the first edition through a basement apartment window but is nabbed by one of his drug-running colleagues and hauled inside. Jonathan insists he’s a voyeur, not a cop. But when they spot Louis peering in the window (having followed Jonathan), they capture Louis as well. When Louis refuses to snort cocaine to prove he’s not a cop, Jonathan causes a distraction and they make a run for it, grabbing a bag of marijuana and the book. Running through the woods of Prospect Park, Louis is injured, and Jonathan leaves him to get help. But the dealers spot Louis and begin to beat and taunt him and, hearing his cries, Jonathan comes to his rescue, single-handedly fending off Louis’s attackers with a big stick.
Back at George’s Maritime Hotel room, Jonathan re-enacts his rescue of Louis and talks up the power of positive thinking, urging George to visualize his prostate as cancer free, and vowing to visualize three delusional jobs for himself: successful writer, detective and college professor. “I like all those professions for you,” says George, encouragingly.
Forty-Two Down!
Written by Tami Sagher & Jonathan Ames
Directed by Troy MillerRay has a new alter-alter ego: Kevin Bacon wants to play Super Ray. Wanting everything to be in order before he meets the movie star, Ray decides to break up with Jennifer Gladwell because he likes to be the heavy drinker in a relationship, and because she is crazy. When he tries to ease her hurt by quoting Bob Dylan, she storms out: “This is now the most disgusting break-up of my life!”
Jonathan meets with his new client, Lakshmi Bhargava, the owner of an Indian restaurant who suspects her husband, a limousine driver-poet, is having an affair because she can smell bacon on his person. But when Jonathan follows her husband (Vikram), he discovers he is actually spending his days at a greasy diner to avoid telling his wife he lost his limo-driving job. Thinking he can smooth things over, Jonathan brings the couple together to reveal the truth, but Lakshmi tosses Vikram out, viewing the lost job as worse than an affair.
Before his writing workshop, Jonathan’s attractive blonde student Nina comes to discuss her story, and they nearly kiss but are interrupted by George, who is there as a guest speaker. Due to his prostate cancer and the news that his column is being cut from the magazine, George’s talk is bleak. After class, George apologizes for his muddle, and voices his concern that he is addicted to marijuana and it has affected his driving. Jonathan suggests that George hire Vikram to be his driver.
Jennifer interrupts Ray’s meeting with Kevin Bacon and accuses Ray of assaulting her – and giving her oral chlamydia of the mouth. The bartender intervenes in the argument on Jennifer’s behalf and tries to eject Ray, not wanting any STD carriers in his establishment. Defending himself, Ray inadvertently punches Kevin Bacon, and decides the actor is not cut out to play Super Ray after all.
When George and Jonathan arrive at the diner, Vikram pulls a gun in an attempted robbery. Jonathan and George eventually talk him down, commiserating about their feelings of worthlessness. George offers Vikram a driving job, but then inadvertently shoots off Vikram’s gun and the three have to make a break for it. They careen off into the night, with Vikram at the wheel of George’s orange Mercedes.
The Case of the Grievous Clerical Error!
Written by Sam Sklaver & Jonathan Ames
Directed by Tristram ShapeeroLeah comes to Jonathan for help finding her dog, Little Ray, who is being held for ransom. Discussing the case over white wine, Leah and Jonathan nearly kiss but stop themselves. Leah is wracked with guilt, but Jonathan assures her it was only a lean and they were simply projecting their love for Ray onto each other.
Over drinks with Jonathan, Ray confides his ambivalence about dating the girl with elf ears. When he learns that Jonathan is searching for Leah’s dog, Ray insists on helping, touched that her girls named their pet after him.
Jonathan visits George at his hotel the morning of his surgery and runs into Dr. Kenwood, who George is sleeping with. Their visit is interrupted by a caller with a tip about Little Ray. Jonathan and Ray have tea with the older woman, who saw their flyer and informs them that they are looking for the Nevins Street Dog Man, a pooch-peddler who tried to sell Little Ray to her for $200.
Jonathan and Ray find a locked yard filled with small dogs, and Ray leads the charge to find bolt-cutters. Guilt-ridden by Ray’s drive to rescue Little Ray and win back Leah, Jonathan confesses his near kiss. Ray runs off, but Jonathan gives chase, begging for forgiveness. Ray agrees to forget about it, understanding Jonathan’s impulse since Leah is the most beautiful girl in the world.
At the hospital, George’s anxieties are further heightened by having his pubic region shaved. He is cheered by a visit from Priscilla who admits she misses him. As she climbs on top of George, he professes his happiness that possibly the last erection of his life is with her – but Dr. Kenwood walks in and notes he used the same line on her that morning. George explains that Priscilla is his ex wife, and Dr. Kenwood assures him that the surgery should go well. She hopes.
Jonathan and Ray stake out the Nevins St. Dog Man but Jonathan has to leave before their mission is accomplished so he can visit George before the surgery. Ray insists on staying. When the Dog Man leaves, Ray lets the dogs out.
At the hospital, George bemoans his stupidity and utter confusion about life. When the nurse comes to take him to surgery, she calls him Mr. Christiansen, again. Jonathan tells George he loves him and when the nurse asks if Jonathan is his son, George says, “Yes.” Pacing in the empty room, Jonathan glances at George’s chart and notices that it, too, says “Christiansen,” and that he lives in “Queens.” He races through the hospital to alert them that they have the wrong George. After busting into several wrong operating rooms, Jonathan is tackled just as George is putting being put under, but not before he is able to yell: “He doesn’t live in Queens!”
After returning Little Ray to a grateful Leah, Ray continues on into the night to return the other dogs to their rightful owners. With a new lease on life, George thanks Jonathan for saving him and his prostate.
Escape From the Castle!
Written by Donick Cary & Jonathan Ames
Directed by Adam BernsteinJonathan meets with a new client, Dr. O’Connor, a virgin dermatologist who needs a letter delivered to his fiancée Hee Cho at the Spa Castle in Queens. Hee’s family is against him because he’s Irish and they have blocked all communication, but Dr. O’Connor needs to get word to Hee that he has taken a position as a ship’s doctor and wants to set sail with her for a new life in Argentina.
At his writing class, Jonathan learns that Louis Greene won the New Yorker 35-and-under fiction contest, with a story based on Jonathan. When Nina comforts him after class, they kiss, and she asks Jonathan to engage in some spanking role-play.
Vikram drives George, Jonathan and Ray to the Spa Castle, ostensibly to celebrate Ray’s birthday. But when Ray realizes Jonathan is on a case, his feelings are hurt. George tries to cheer Ray up by getting him stoned while Jonathan delivers the letter.
Since the Spa Castle has separate bathing areas for men and women, Jonathan has to go undercover in the women’s locker room, in search of Hee. He’s spotted as an imposter but begs for help finding Hee. A young man approaches claiming to be Hee’s friend and promises to deliver the letter.
When the three friends are having massages later, the boy Jonathan gave the letter to busts in, now dressed as a beautiful woman, and Jonathan realizes that Hee is actually a he who is also a she. Security guards come knocking, and a mad-cap chase ensues. They make it to George’s car just in time for Vikram to spirit them away. Geroge’s car breaks down, forcing them to flee on foot through a graveyard. Jonathan tries to lure the spa security guards away with Hee’s bag of money, but when one pulls a gun, Ray runs to warn Jonathan and falls into an open grave. George and Vikram come to the rescue with shovels, knocking out the guards.
The three friends and Vikram deliver Hee to the dock just in time to shove off with her doctor. Jonathan tries to alert Dr. O’Connor that Hee’s not a she, but the doctor sees Hee as perfect. As the tug boat pulls away, the friends and chauffeur head off to continue their celebration of Ray’s birthday.
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